Feeling like I'm the only one who feels like this about miscarriage

[Lotsie]

I am currently having a miscarriage and I have been doing some research to find out more about what to expect, painkillers I can access if needed, if they will do scans after I have stopped bleeding to check everything has been passed etc and it has become clear to me that all the information online is REALLY focused on how I'm feeling.

I'm probably just being REALLY awful by saying this, but am I the only person who seems to think that miscarriage is a pretty normal thing? As in - it happens to 1 in 4 people.... The support websites just don't seem to normalise it and instead, I don't know what the word is....but sensationalising it comes to mind?!

I totally understand that miscarriage is extremely upsetting for most people, however, I'm 8 weeks pregnant, its not a baby, its some chromosomes that are incompatible and were never going to become a baby. I have not lost something that 'could have been'. I feel fine about the entire thing (I realise this is helped by the fact I already have a child so I know I can make babies and I would likely feel different if this had been my first pregnancy).

I guess I'm just having a bit of a rant because I'm having a miscarriage, and that's totally ok. Its normal. It happens all the time. Yet everywhere I look are photos and videos of sobbing women and its just making me feel like a total freak who doesn't have a heart.

Mumsnet....am I in fact totally heartless?! Has anyone else had a miscarriage and actually just been ok about the whole thing (minus all the pain, bleeding and numerous probes in your fanny from the hospital)

I'm truly sorry if this offends anyone and I am not saying people should not be upset. Its just, I'm not. And that doesn't seem to be ok with the rest of the world. Also, if you have experienced something similar do you think your ability to cope was partly due to a lack of understanding of miscarriage, especially as the vast majority of people go on to have totally normal pregnancies after miscarriage and it is so very very common.

The OP has every right to post here for support. Telling a woman who has just had a miscarriage that she is "smug" or "patronising" is awful. You're the ones being heartless here, not her. She's just as entitled to cope with her loss in her way as your are win yours.

*with yours

My post is not about posting on here for support. That's what Mumsnet is for and the support is here. It clearly says feeling either way is valid and nothing wrong with it. I've been on both sides of it myself. I get it.

It then says that approaching women who are deeply affected when you haven't been is not a good idea as any comments trivialising the issue are likely not to go down well and may in fact be smug or patronising - which from the recipient point if view is absolutely true.

Please read carefully before jumping to conclusions.

Hilarious. We are the heartless ones. Ok 🙄

And the OP isn’t posting for support, she quite clearly states that she isn’t upset.

its just making me feel like a total freak who doesn't have a heart.

The OP is quite clearly posting for support and reassurance because she's having difficulty coming to terms with how she feels in the aftermath of a miscarriage.

Telling her that's she's smug, heartless etc for not feeling like you and daring to talk about it is incredibly unkind.

@MonicaGellerHyphenBing I hear you, lovely ❤️ Please don't get upset.

I think a lot of empathy is needed on both sides of the spectrum of reactions here. To me, it still feels horrendous now, although I have better days. To some it may be an event they move on from easily. Our reactions depend on lots of factors, our emotional connectivity, level of prior personal trauma, network of support around us, type of miscarriage that we've had, the job we're in (if we work), having other children, how we felt about the pregnancy to begin with etc etc. There's a multitude of factors. One miscarriage may feel different to another for the same person at a different time in their lives. Those who are not affected now may not be so in the future. I really, really don't judge. You can't judge someone's feelings.

In the same time, I don't think it's OK for anyone who is not deeply affected to use words like "heartless" towards those who are. Heartless is the last thing we are. You're not heartless either, so please pause for a minute and think before using this word.

In real life, I don't see the point in approaching someone really upset about the miscarriage to discuss it if you don't feel the same, as inevitably there will be a lot of upset.

Did you even read my post? Nowhere did I call the OP smug or heartless. I said her post came across a big smug. There is a difference, and given that a poster on this thread passed judgement on women who take time off after first trimester miscarriages, I’m surprised it is other people’s comments that are being targeted. Stop calling people unkind.

Perhaps my comments weren't as eloquently put as others but then again I'm going through my 6th loss and now permanently infertile - at 5+4 weeks there was a heartbeat so at 8 weeks it was absolutely a baby.

OPs original post asked a particular question....

OP asked if "your ability to cope was partly due to a lack of understanding of miscarriage"
If you truly believe that at 8 weeks that "it's not a baby" and it's "some chromosomes that are incompatible" and "were never going to become a baby" (all OPs words) then you are going to cope with miscarriage completely differently to those that have seen what a baby looks like at the various stages of gestation and also when you consider that many miscarriages are not solely down to chromosomes and so 100% had the potential to "become a baby"

Miscarriage isn't always about the loss of the actual pregnancy - your also grieving the loss of what could have been - for you and your family. Maybe it's just me but from the moment you see those 2 lines on a BFP test you make space in your heart and you daydream about what life will be like, what they'll be like - if you go on to lose that baby then you're left with a hole in your heart that doesn't get filled

Perhaps the OP has answered her own question about the lack of understanding of miscarriage?

Miscarriage isn't "normal" it doesn't happen all the time and most of us don't feel fine about it

Miscarriage is a pretty normal thing. So is losing your mother. I've done both (one repeatedly) and I've never understood how it being "normal" makes it any less fucking awful.