Feeling like I'm the only one who feels like this about miscarriage

[Lotsie]

I am currently having a miscarriage and I have been doing some research to find out more about what to expect, painkillers I can access if needed, if they will do scans after I have stopped bleeding to check everything has been passed etc and it has become clear to me that all the information online is REALLY focused on how I'm feeling.

I'm probably just being REALLY awful by saying this, but am I the only person who seems to think that miscarriage is a pretty normal thing? As in - it happens to 1 in 4 people.... The support websites just don't seem to normalise it and instead, I don't know what the word is....but sensationalising it comes to mind?!

I totally understand that miscarriage is extremely upsetting for most people, however, I'm 8 weeks pregnant, its not a baby, its some chromosomes that are incompatible and were never going to become a baby. I have not lost something that 'could have been'. I feel fine about the entire thing (I realise this is helped by the fact I already have a child so I know I can make babies and I would likely feel different if this had been my first pregnancy).

I guess I'm just having a bit of a rant because I'm having a miscarriage, and that's totally ok. Its normal. It happens all the time. Yet everywhere I look are photos and videos of sobbing women and its just making me feel like a total freak who doesn't have a heart.

Mumsnet....am I in fact totally heartless?! Has anyone else had a miscarriage and actually just been ok about the whole thing (minus all the pain, bleeding and numerous probes in your fanny from the hospital)

I'm truly sorry if this offends anyone and I am not saying people should not be upset. Its just, I'm not. And that doesn't seem to be ok with the rest of the world. Also, if you have experienced something similar do you think your ability to cope was partly due to a lack of understanding of miscarriage, especially as the vast majority of people go on to have totally normal pregnancies after miscarriage and it is so very very common.

I’ve had 7 miscarriages all together and I feel the same as you now I’m retrospect.

I was actually continuously miscarying for 10 years.

I became pretty hardened to it in the end.

I don’t tend to dwell too much and crack on with life quickly.

I would have a miscarriage on the Saturday and be back at work on the Monday when the drugs were out of my system.

I get annoyed at people who announce their pregnancy at 4/5/6 weeks with absolutely no thought in their heads about loss, taking it for granted that everything will be ok.

...as I did with my first. I was also totally heartbroken after my first and took many weeks off work, I grieved with a pain that I didn’t realise I had in me.
After that.. yep, 1 in 3 ends in miscarriage, I looked around, I counted up and yes, I was always the third and yes I always miscarried.
I got the positive test and always thought...”here we go again”, not “hooray! We are pregnant!!”.
Then I waited.
I had empty sac so no baby for 5 out of the 7, a baby and a heart beat for 2. But not right so ended as it was supposed to.

When I was pregnant the 1/4 statistic haunted me and I worried all the time I would lose the baby. When I confided in my sister she said there would be no reason to be upset as it isn't a baby but a bunch of faulty cells. So definitely other people out there (not me personally) who feel like you do.

I felt the same as you OP.

I totally respect the feelings of other women who found miscarriage more upsetting, but for me experiencing a relatively early miscarriage was disappointing but not much more than that.

I just hadn't really gotten attached to the pregnancy as a "baby" yet. Many years on it's not something I really think about at all. I found coping with the worry that I was "cold and dead inside" almost more distressing than the loss.

I never really believed I was pregant after trying for so long. So I have never been that upset by my miscarriages. I've never cried, just got on with the practicalities. I'm unspeakably sad that I may never have children, but not about my miscarriages themselves.

I hope it doesn't sound odd, but you've made me feel better OP that I'm not the only one. I've always felt like such a fraud having read so many things about how devastated other women are.

I'm so sorry about your mum @lotsie A miscarriage must pale into insignificance besides such a loss

When I had a miscarriage I had been fully invested in trying to conceive for well over a year. I think that the biggest emotional pain at the time was from thinking that I would have to face another year of trying, and getting my head wrapped around the idea that having another child might never happen, that maybe somehow my body was broken. It wasn't really the grief for the baby that I was carrying, but the grief from losing hope that hurt so bad.

Three months later my little rainbow was concieved. I bled so heavily that I was diagnosed as having another miscarriage with him, somehow he hung on in there, he's four now, and incredible.

Only you can own your emotions and that’s really it.

I find it frustrating that a miscarriage is considered

I completely get where you're coming from op but I guess it makes me feel like the devastation I felt was silly.

I MC as 11+6. The contractions I experienced were painful. I lost clumps of tissue (like lumps of liver), lots of blood and although nothing out of the ordinary, it was just awful.

I'd spent from 4 weeks pregnant puking violently at even my husband opening the fridge even while I was in the bedroom!

I went for my 12 weeks scan the next day to be told it was a complete mc.

It knocked me for six for a long long time. However my SIL mc at 6 weeks and her and my brother barely sniffed at it. So there are people out there like you. I just read the statistics and figured that I was almost in the safe zone

I had four , two before DD and another two before DS. And yes I felt the same every time. Like you I was philosophical and got on with life . Even though I really wanted each pregnancy to be successful, when the MC started I accepted that "it wasn't meant to be" and that obviously something was not right with the foetus. A couple of the MCs were distressing in that they happened " wrong place wrong time", once at work all over the floor , and once when we were driving home after a wedding and I just had to sit on a pile of towels as we drove for hours with a 3 yr old in the back. By the time we got home it was all over.

Like you I sometimes wonder if I'm the only woman who feels like this is normal , that you can accept it and move on. I see sobbing women who still can't move on after months or years, and wonder if I should just keep quiet, for fear of seeming heartless.

I’m literally in the middle of cramping my way through my 4th miscarriage, second mmc (11weeks now but no development since 8/9). I’m sad about it and have had a cry over what could have been, but mainly because I’m now getting on a bit, my chances of a successful pregnancy are falling and the age gap with existing children is getting bigger. I’m more accepting now that this can and does happen and every positive pregnancy test doesn’t equal a baby. I’m coping very well this time and mostly just want to get on with it so we can try again.

With the first MMC which was also my first pregnancy I was beyond devastated, cried for weeks and convinced myself I’d never have children. I had no idea how common miscarriage was, had already planned for our life as a family of three, told family - it was emotionally devastating. I struggled to be around pregnant women or newborns and when I eventually got pregnant again it coloured the whole of the pregnancy, I was just waiting for things to go wrong (they didn’t).

The other two miscarriages didn’t really upset me, after the initial discovery which was still a shock. One was a disappearing twin, so I was still pregnant with a singleton, and the other was so early I’d only just got the (unplanned) positive test.

I suppose I’m saying there’s no right or wrong way to feel. It depends on your circumstances, mindset, how emotionally attached you’ve become to the notion of a future baby. I’m very pleased you aren’t too upset and there’s nothing wrong with your response, but it’s also valid for people to feel the loss very deeply. I’m absolutely fine with the fact of miscarriage and it doesn’t play on my mind most of the time but sometimes I think about the babies we lost and have a moment of quiet contemplation about what could have been.

Hope your miscarriage is over soon and as painlessly as possible xx

@SamStephens I am so sorry you went through that and understand completely. I have a friend who gave birth at 20 weeks and it used to devastate me when she said miscarried because I knew fine well she had gone through the same as me with my stillborn, who was induced. I do agree though it's hard to determine where to draw the line. I bet in future more and more babies will be born before 24wks and make it.

I will add though that I don't even class my stillborn the same as those who lose a baby during or very close to labour at term. But I am pleased he has a birth / death certificate and a headstone bearing his name. Like he did exist and I did go through all of that. There does need to be something somewhere to acknowledge the same for others, even if it's optional.

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted what on Earth is your problem? Your posts are cruel and unnecessary.

Thanks for your post. Ive had 2 MC at 6 & 11 weeks (no DC) , which happened right after each other. With the 11 week one I took a week off because of the process itself (pain) and hospital appointments but how some people are taking months off with 1st trimester MC is 😳

When I hear other people's pg gp announcement, I'm happy for them. I felt especially here in many MC boards people were slagging off (unnecessarily) H&M for announcing pregnancy on MC day - even having 2 MC, I wasn't aware of it... So I'm hoping I'm not heartless either.

It isn’t a pleasant thing to go through so regardless OP I’m sorry the pregnancy hasn’t worked out.

I’m another one who has had recurrent losses - 6 miscarriages & 4 live births. My feeling have ranged from mild relief (early loss of a very badly timed pregnancy) to devastation (17 week loss). Most of the time it was a mixture of disappointment, anger & weariness ... here we go again. I have an underlying medical condition & treatment makes a successful pregnancy more likely but isn’t very nice & doesn’t guarantee a baby. I had a successful pregnancy without treatment & lost two (both second trimester) after very aggressive treatment ... mostly when it happens a lot it is just depressing. I’m very glad that my pregnancy days are over & never to be repeated.

There is nothing worse than other people telling you how to feel. Feelings are just that - subjective, not rational. Dont feel the need for others to approve or validate them in some way.

@ITlady "but how some people are taking months off with 1st trimester MC is 😳"

What do you mean by that, ITlady, please?

I am that person who took 2 weeks and 2 days off after my 1st trimester missed miscarriage and medical management.

I'm a solicitor, painfully realistic and pragmatic woman. By all accounts, a resilient and tough cookie who just keeps going no matter what.

And much like you ladies on here, I had this reasonable and scientific approach. Nothing wrong with that.

I've always dealt with grief easily in comparison to others, or so I thought looking at them.

It then hit me like a ton of bricks and I'm still dealing with it now. Unexpectedly, unreasonably and most importantly, not through my choice. Being out of control over your own feelings and emotions is the worst part of it.

Maybe like some of you said, it's a coping mechanism, whether temporary or permanent. And I keep my fingers crossed for you that it works for you forever, as you don't want to find yourselves on the other side. I really don't wish this on anyone.

You can feel however you want to feel but I find certain parts of your posts insensitive and a bit smug. Personally I was absolutely devastated when I miscarried at 11 weeks. It wasn’t a ‘clump of cells’, it had a face with eyes, a nose and a mouth, and tiny little hands and feet. To me it was a baby, the sibling that my daughter will never get to play with. Your posts makes me feel silly for feeling such grief.

It's fine to have that opinion, but it's a bloody heartless thing to post on a board where people come for support for their loss.

^^ this 100%. Just very unnecessary.

I took 6 weeks off after my first mmc I was distraught and physically went through the mill. I actually haemorrhage at work when I tried to go back at one point and had to go straight to hospital. Awful! I think people should take as long as they need. It's only work.

I don't think it's a heartless thing for the OP to write. Lots of ppl have said they feel similarly. There's not just one way you're allowed to feel.

I also, and forgive me for being blunt, but that's the way I am, do not understand some of your deliberations on this thread along the lines of "if someone else is going through this, should I stay quiet not to upset them".

Obviously your miscarriage(s) were not big events for you, so why do you even have such deliberations? You've moved on and let others move forward in the way they need to. As much as it may sound harsh, count yourselves lucky it didn't hit you like it does many other women. I acknowledge the way you feel is valid. There is no need for approaching women who are going through it and feel deeply upset as you don't understand what they're going through, and the things you might say will very likely be taken the wrong way, or they will in fact be smug or patronising. Being deeply affected is also valid, and when you hit the rock bottom, the last thing that is needed is hearing comments that may come across as trivialising this. That's the way it is.

Well the OP is posting for support on her loss so she has the same right to post here as anyone else. Some people will experience strong grief over a miscarriage and some won’t, there are lots of reasons for why that might be and there is no right or wrong way to feel about a miscarriage.