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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

How can this be happening?

93 replies

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly · 23/12/2018 22:47

34 weeks pregnant with a baby with several severe issues that are detailed in previous posts. Had reduced movements last night but for some stupid fucking reason decided it was probably nothing. No movement at all this morning so went into triage to be scanned and told my baby has no heartbeat :(
This is all my fault, she was still alive last night, and had I gone in, she probably would have been delivered and alive. I have literally ignored my baby until it was too late. Don't even know what I expect people to say, hopefully this can serve as a warning if nothing else?

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Motherhood123 · 19/01/2019 13:48

I recently had a miscarriage 16 December 2018 so just before you. I was 17 weeks pregnant. On the day I had some cramping but ignored it as I thought it was stretching pains and last time I went In for back pain they told me it's normal. I also had thick green discharge that morning, again I didn't think anything of it as I had discharge like that before got a swab done but it was clear. Again I thought nothing of it and just assumed it's normal period symptoms. The problem is even normal pregnancy symptoms can be serious issues but you can never know unless you have a Dr. And a scanner with you all the time. I still keep thinking if only I had gone in to get checked that Sunday morning but just for some reason thought id get checked out the next day when gp was open. I'm still bleeding from the miscarriage but the only thing that's keeping me sane is the thought of trying again. I have a strong urge of just being pregnant again.

Don't be too hard on yourself. I've come to accept it and learning to cope with it better although I still have off days where I need a good cry but it's normal. This baby we have lost will be with us for the rest of our lives and never forgotten.

InDreamland · 22/01/2019 08:12

How are you today @ironytheoppositeofwrinkly? Thinking of you x

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly · 22/01/2019 14:36

Hi indreamland thank you for thinking of me. Well, today I am dealing with yet another stupid decision. A week ago, me and my partner DTD with no protection, and I'd stopped bleeding 2 days previously. Now I have blood stained EWCM and I'm terrified that it's implantation bleeding. I know it's most likely not, it's more likely to be either upcoming ovulation or just hormones, but what if its not? I haven't even had this babies funeral yet and I might be pregnant again. I'm struggling quite a lot today. How are you?

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Miami81 · 23/01/2019 07:41

Oh @Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly what a complete pain.
For me not knowing what my body was f'ing doing almost drove me completely bananas. I had loads of pinky ewcm a few weeks after the locia had gone. It turns out that it was my body gearing up to ovulate.
I will warn you now that if you do go on to have a period in a few weeks time it may leave you feeling very strange. I went mental. I hated my body. It had betrayed me and let me baby die and then mere weeks later here it was signalling to me that it was recovered and would happily get pregnant again. It was a very dark time and I realised that I just needed to let myself feel all that for a while.

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly · 23/01/2019 09:32

I don't know whether this will impact me feeling differently to you miami but when I'd given birth, I strangely 'enjoyed' bleeding afterwards, and normally I hate periods, they make me feel dirty/unhygienic. This was the opposite, for whatever reason, the bleeding made me feel clean, and I was quite gutted when it stopped very quickly, so hopefully I'll cope well with my first period.

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InDreamland · 23/01/2019 11:34

@ironytheoppositeofwrinkly I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Please don't be so hard in yourself, it wasn't a stupid decision. It is hard to know what to do and what your body is doing after a loss, especially when yours was such a late loss. I just want to wrap you up in a massive hug.

Thank you for asking about me. My due date is on Friday for the first baby so trying to stay sane - only had one breakdown so far this year. DH and I will spend the day away from home and do something nice.

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly · 24/01/2019 09:41

That sounds like a good idea, some distraction will make it as easy as possible. Hope tomorrow isnt too shit for you.

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Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly · 27/01/2019 11:53

How are you getting on indreamland?

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ThatsExactlyRight · 27/01/2019 12:24

I'm so sorry for your loss, Evelyn is a beautiful name. She is at peace, and you will always be her mummy.
Take care x

InDreamland · 27/01/2019 18:20

Thanks for asking @ironytheoppositeofwrinkly. I'm not great if I'm being honest. Felt like everywhere I went on Friday and Saturday that there were pregnant women and babies everywhere - I really struggle to deal with constantly seeing what I so desperately want but cannot have. It's like rubbing salt in open wounds. Saw a rainbow on Friday and hoped but don't believe it's a sign. I bought a little soft toy monkey which I saw and thought was really cute and that our baby would've loved it. Yesterday driving home all I could think was we should have a car seat in the back with our newborn

How are you?

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly · 27/01/2019 20:05

I'm not great, got burgled last night and it's Evies funeral a week tomorrow :(
Sorry you're feeling so shit.

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InDreamland · 27/01/2019 21:26

Oh my goodness me! I'm so so sorry to hear that. I hope the police catch the low life scum that's the last thing you need at this time. What did the police say? Sending you lots and lots of love and hugs xxx

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly · 28/01/2019 07:00

They thought the liklihood was that they'd not be able to catch anyone until they found a near perfect set of prints in the kitchen. There was a few houses done at the same sort of time, so it's probably linked. Still feels shit though!

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InDreamland · 28/01/2019 21:36

I can only imagine it must feel like as total violation. It's your home, your private safe place and someone has totally violated that.

If I could catch them for you I'd chop their hands off.

InDreamland · 05/02/2019 22:34

How are you @ironytheoppositeofwrinkly? Hope Evie's funeral was really special today (I think it was today, sorry if I got the day wrong). Thinking of you

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly · 06/02/2019 10:25

It was Monday. Absolute disaster tbh, really gutted :(

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InDreamland · 06/02/2019 20:41

I've PM'd you lovely x

Miami81 · 07/02/2019 08:24

Oh @Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly I am so so sorry that Monday didn't go well. Always remember that you can do your own thing any time at all without the formality of a service or other people. We go to the beach and just sit with our thoughts with her and write her name and take some of her toys any time we just need that breathing space with her. We sometimes read her poems and baby books.
The day of the funeral can just be so overwhelming. Also remember that is a day that you never have to do again. Somehow that thought helped me through. Like it was shit but now it's over.
Thoughts with you always.

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