How can this be happening?

[Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly]

34 weeks pregnant with a baby with several severe issues that are detailed in previous posts. Had reduced movements last night but for some stupid fucking reason decided it was probably nothing. No movement at all this morning so went into triage to be scanned and told my baby has no heartbeat :(
This is all my fault, she was still alive last night, and had I gone in, she probably would have been delivered and alive. I have literally ignored my baby until it was too late. Don't even know what I expect people to say, hopefully this can serve as a warning if nothing else?

[InDreamland]

@Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly what a lovely thing to do if you feel you can do that. It must have been so terribly difficult to leave Evie there Time will slowly give you more strength but for now take all the time you need to heal emotionally and physically from this. Sadly I think for everyone who has experienced the loss of a much loved and wanted baby will for the rest of their lives count and mark the milestones. Due dates, how old they'd have been, winding what grades they'd get at school, would they have gone to uni, etc etc. Not seeing them grow up, get married, have families of their own, what career they'd choose, constant wondering. I know so many ladies who had losses many many years ago who still wonder, it's so sad. Each day that passes though will help with the healing. You'll have ups and downs but remember it's perfectly totally normal. Hugs!

[819057a]

I am so sorry for the loss of your Evie. I cried so much for you, your daughter, your son and your partner. I am so so sorry.

[InDreamland]

How are you today @ironytheoppositeofwrinkly? Thinking of you and your family x

[Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly]

indreamland today has not been a good day. Flashbacks of the birth are going round and round in my head and I can't seem to think of anything else. Got to go and register the stillbirth tomorrow and then go to the CARES office at the hospital to sort her funeral :( just seems never-ending, plus today is a week since I found out she'd died.

[InDreamland]

@Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly I just want to wrap you up in the most enormous hug. Everything is still so raw and yet you carry on, you're so much stronger than you probably think or feel at the moment. Thinking of you today. My heart goes out to you and your family ❤ please take all the time you need to heal emotionally. As someone said to me last month, it's okay to not be okay. It will be up and down, you'll have bad days and better days, it may not feel like it now but one day you will have more better days than bad but just be good to yourself x

[Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly]

I know and tbh I am lucky. I have a supportive partner and a wonderful son who keep me going even when I don't want to, so I'm better off than some others :)

[InDreamland]

That's a healthy approach. Just remember that when you need to cry you absolutely can have every right to. Hope you had as good a NYE as you could and Happy New Year! I hope that 2019 brings you happiness and peace x

[InDreamland]

How are you today @Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly?

[Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly]

Meh I'm not very good tbh. My cousin has given birth to her baby girl and her and her mom have actually fucking tagged me (amongst others) in the pictures. To top it off, she's used Evies middle name too. Everyone has forgotten her already, it's like she never existed :(

[InDreamland]

Oh no you poor love, that's really insensitive. You can un-tag yourself and remove the post from your timeline. Do what you need to do to give yourself some space. Maybe that will send the message loud and clear that you are mourning the loss of your baby girl and they should respect you more. Loosely linked, just before my first mc (pregnancy that took 5 years to conceive) I was feeling really ill and weak so was unable to attend a friend's wedding reception so sent by post her personalised wedding gift and card (yes I went to the effort of getting an item engraved with her and her new husband's names). She contacted to ask if I was going to attend and I explained I had been having a really tough time for the past few years and not been feeling well, I didn't say I was pregnant because DH and I hadn't told anyone apart from my parents and sister. All she says was "I'm sorry to hear it ". No asking what's wrong or if I needed to chat or anything. That really hurt given I was there for her when her best friend upset her and they fell out for a year and when her now husband stood her up ........ of course as soon as things between all of them were ok I was pretty much dumped and practically ignored or cancelled on because she had a better offer from one of them (stupid me for remaining friends) - there's more but I won't go into it here. Thing is I got tagged in the photos of the reception I was too unwell from the pregnancy to make. She never bothered to check I was ok after. So I untagged myself and removed the post from my page. Some people are just so self absorbed and don't care about other's feelings or problems they're facing. They think the world revolves around them. Family or not your cousin and aunt should know better and be sensitive to the fact your grieving for your lost child. Could you ask your family to say something? I'm actually angry for you at their insensitivity.

[jackio2205]

@Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly do they know what happened, if so that's pretty rough mate! When I had a miscarraige my SIL posted something massively insensitive and it cut deeeeep, i didn't tell her it hurt, I just could not get my head around it at all, I just had to be angry and in my own little pit about it, like i said before you gotta feel it all to get your head around things and get through tough times. The bottom line is that eeeeeeeveryone is on their own journey I'm afraid, so I'm sure that if she does know it won't be that she's forgotten, its just that a)she's going to do her own thing no matter whats happened or whatever names other people have chosen (even though I personally would never do that!!!) and b)not everyone knows what to say/do when bad/sad/horrific things happen, some people are absolutely thoughtless so best not expect anything anything from anyone in these times, it's the only way I got through.
I honestly wish you aaaaaaaaaall the best, love and joy and I just know you'll be okay in the end, and if you're not okay, then it's not the end! X

[Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly]

Thanks ladies, I'm just so upset and annoyed that she's done it tbh. We're very close so it isn't as if she's unaware or didn't know Evies middle name. Guess I'm just feeling a little neglected :(

[jackio2205]

@Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly 100%, I'd feel and have felt the same, it's so so hard! You have a child and partner, seek love and joy in them and give yourself all the time and self care you need, if your cousin and aunt want to be weird about it then that's their issue.
I don't know if it would be of any help to you but I came off social media for about a month or so, just couldn't control what adverts and posts you see, self preservation is key and it helped as it meant when I was feeling a bit stronger to look and try and be happy for others I could control what and how much I saw, just a thought for you if you're being tagged left right and center x

[Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly]

I'm okay most of the time, a close friend announced their pregnancy and I didn't care, I'm genuinely happy for her. I wouldn't have even minded seeing my cousins announcement, had it not been for being tagged in it and the name thing. It just felt so insensitive, being tagged, as if they were saying, 'your baby is dead but look at ours'. I know that's irrational but it's how I feel :(

[InDreamland]

@ironytheoppositeofwrinkly I totally get what you mean. I would feel (have felt) the same. It is insensitive. Hope you can just distance yourself from them for a while until you're feeling stronger x

[Miami81]

@Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly
Oh my lovely I am so so sorry. I hadn't seen your post until now. My heart is broken for you. Please absolutely know that movements of such a small baby are virtually impossible to judge/ keep track of. Evelyn Marie is an absolutely gorgeous name and I am sure your wee poppet completely suits her name.
You know my history so I won't bang on as it's not useful for you just now, but I will say this, people can be arseholes. They cannot see past the end of their own noses and think that the world revolves around them. I honestly can't believe that your cousin thought that would be ok, we had a different but similar story with a work colleague and my reaction when I heard the name they had chosen for their baby was to get sick. Loss parents get how important the name you have given your precious baby is, unfortunately others do not get it. They don't know that her name is the thing that you can give her as her parents and whatever reasons you have picked that name are really important to you.
Please please know that you are not alone. We have you. The loss mom's and dad's. The people you will meet if you choose to do anything related with SANDS, the online forum at SANDS, and twitter and Instagram babyloss communities are full of people just trying to muddle through life in this world without their babies.
I hope you are making it through the days ok. Any day where you make it out of bed at the moment is a good day. And any day that you need to stay in bed is also a fine day.
DM me if you want to chat. Again I wish there was more I could say but there just isn't. It's shit.

[Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly]

miami81 thank you. I'm mostly okay for now, other than a few tearful moments, because we knew this was the most likely outcome for her, also (and I feel insanely guilty for feeling this way) as we knew she had an unimaginably hard fight ahead if she survived, part of us feels relief for her. Our hearts are broken, but she's at peace. She never knew pain, or struggle, all she ever felt was warmth and safety, so I try and take that small positive and comfort myself with it. I hope you're okay.

[InDreamland]

@ironytheoppositeofwrinkly hope you're doing as okay as you can be. I dropped for a few days as AF arriving hit me hard, definitely not pregnant by next week Friday and our little bean's due date. Thinking of you x

[Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly]

indreamland oh that must be awful for you, hope you have lots of support around you.

Meh, I'm not doing too badly, on the outside at least. Feels like everyone has moved on already, leaving me and my partner feeling very conflicted. I'm in the mood to just cut everybody off, apart from our parents, but obvs that's not exactly feasible. Waiting for a funeral date atm. We DTD for the first time last night and I completely forgot about using contraception so shitting myself a bit about that.

[Miami81]

@Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly I know what you mean about the massive struggle she would have had. I feel like that about dd sometimes and then sometimes i just feel robbed of her even being given a chance.
In terms of dtd your body and hormones will be all over the place. I probably wouldn't worry too much, but have a chat with Dh about whether you plan to use contraception or not for the next wee while. We both assumed that the other wouldn't want to try again straight away, and then we decided to wait until pm results anyway.
I hope the funeral goes as smoothly as possible for you. The harsh reality of other people's lives just moving on is still really hard for me. I know that people have stuff going on but it is hard not to feel completely abandoned. That's why I found the sands groups and forums and things so helpful as they were full of people in the same position as us. I wouldn't cut people off so soon, if you can at all, it took my own sisters at least 3 months to be able to talk about my baby. It wasn't because they didn't care they just were so upset that they both shied away from talking about her.

[Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly]

We spoke about it this lunchtime actually, as he bought it up and asked why I didn't make him wear a condom. I told him that whilst I don't want to go mad 'trying', I also don't want to waste 6 months of opportunities waiting either, and to my surprise, he totally agreed. So at least we're on the same page about everything.

[InDreamland]

Sounds like you're doing what a lot of ladies do and put on a brave face for the world but then cry behind closed doors. This is where I find this forum so helpful as people here understand. Glad you and your DH are on the same page, hopefully you get your rainbow this year. I hope you get a date for her funeral soon as it may help.

[Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly]

Oh, indreamland so do I, 4 babies in 2 years I've lost. 4! I don't think I could try again after another loss :(

[InDreamland]

I can understand that hesitation and anxiety of it happening again and not wanting to go through that after so many losses. I said after the first I couldn't take another and then I had the second one but we're strong really and somehow keep going. Sending you lots of hugs xxx

[losingfaith]

Hi @Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly I'm so sorry for your loss. If you haven't arranged the funeral already I know that the co-op will arrange babies funerals without charge. We went to them (late loss in pregnancy) as they were near to us and when it came to payment they said that they don't charge for funeral a for children we were surprised but grateful.