It's happening again! Why me?

[InDreamland]

I posted here in July when I lost my little bean at 12 weeks after 5 years TTC. Absolutely heartbroken and I'm still trying to cope with that loss.

On Thursday I found out I was pregnant again and should be 4+4 today. I took another FRER this morning with fmu and it was a stronger line than the one on Thursday. I had a prearranged NHS internal scan for investigations this morning. After my mc in July I was re-referred back to infertility clinic because it took so long to get pregnant and I'm convinced something to do with that is linked to the mc. All was fine, even when I emptied my bladder 5 mins before I went into the room. Told the sonographer I was pregnant but agreed we wouldn't see anything on scan as I was so early. Literally as soon as scan was done I wiped myself to get rid of the gel and there was loads of spots of blood. I have continued to bleed all day and it had got redder. I just know I'm losing this baby too.

I am such an idiot for hoping this could be our rainbow.

Ah you're not an idiot for being hopeful and having the guts to keep trying for something you want. I don't know what the blood means or doesn't mean but I'm really sorry you're so upset, you've obviously had a very tough time.xxx

indreamland I'm so sorry. Fingers crossed that it's just bleeding. I have been plagued with big and small bleeds throughout this pregnancy, and although it's not all going to plan, baby is still here. Sending love.

Thanks ladies. When I woke up this morning I was bleeding heavily. No way can baby survive that, I'm going to have to call my GP tomorrow morning. Just feel numb. What is wrong with me? 5 years trying to get pregnant, then I manage to fall twice in 7 months but can't keep either of them.

sorry @InDreamland. Please remember that there's nothing wrong with you. Something's not working in your body but that's not your doing. Life is very shit and very unfair sometimes and you are having a very shit and unfair time right now. Sending love

Thanks @Watchingthetelly I just can't get my head around it. 2 losses in 4 months. I must have done something really bad to deserve this. Even terrorists have children so why can't I?

I'm so, so sorry for you. It's heartbreaking. You haven't done anything bad. Life is unfair. It's not fair. It really isn't. I'm sorry.

The world doesn't work like that unfortunately. Bad things happen to good people all the time. It's zero reflection on who you are or how you behave. Zero. You have done nothing to deserve this. As I said life is just shit and unfair sometimes. But it's also really amazing and fun and full of love sometimes. Highs and lows...

Thanks ladies. I am just so beaten right now. I'm still trying to cope with my loss in July and now this.

I'm sure you are. Just be kind to yourself please. Think how you would treat a friend in your situation. Hope the doctor's isn't too awful tomorrow x

I'm so sorry to read this. It's a horrible thing to experience. Unfortunately life can just be so fucking unfair. My dear friend has had 6 miscarriages and I've never been able to get pregnant at all. Meanwhile all around us friends, relatives, neighbours.... and it feels like we've done something wrong. But we haven't. It's just cruel, cruel biology. You must be feeling awful and nothing anyone can say will make that better. But know that you're not alone, you don't deserve it, and allow yourself to grieve. Sending love.

So sorry OP. I completely understand. We've been TTC for going into 9 years now. 6 MC. From in 2013 I had two pregnancies within 4 months. Lost one at 6 weeks , the other became a ruptured ectopic where I lost a tube. I then had no natural pregnancies until 2017 .. and that ended up being ectopic in my one remaining tube .
I also had 2 rounds of ICSI, MC both, the worst was seeing heartbeats on 2 scans and then at the third scan it had died.

You can drive yourself mad with the "why me". I remember you posting after your previous MC and I remember being really concerned for how you were coping (I know you can't help how you feel, I'm not saying that, as above... I get it!) I just mean that I was really worried about you. Please make sure you get help and support through this. The hospital should be able to put you in contact with MC charities. 

I really can relate and understand your frustrations and fears, it really is unfair and heartbreaking. I think I am currently going through a miscarriage, I started bleeding heavy on Friday and it’s still going now.
I’m trying to hold on to the positivity that I can get pregnant, may sound silly but I was worried I would conceive at all.
It’s easy for people to say but I really do believe that it’s better to have tried and lost than to never give it a go, so try not to let it beat you and keep at it x

@Watchingthetelly thank you.

@cleanhousewastedlife thank you too. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and your struggles too, it really is the shittiest thing to happen.

@cheesymashandbeans thank you for your post and concern, especially after my last mc. I am getting couselling through a specialist charity - it helps to be able to say what I feel in a safe space and to know that everything I think and feel is ok and natural, to know it's ok to not be ok and I don't have to pretend. The pain and grief is still there, I am still hurt and angry and questioning why, I still cry a lot but at least I'm able to get on with routine things just about. I'll never be who I used to be but that's ok. This second one I will speak to my counsellor about, I just need time ...... again. I'm not sure it's fully hit me yet. Your story is so heartbreaking and I'm so sorry you've been going through this. Your such a strong person and deserve so much to have your baby and hope one day soon you are blessed with a miracle.

@Tiniestsky I'll so sorry you find yourself here. Is this your first? I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for posting. You don't sound silly at all, I know that feeling of suddenly "wow I actually got pregnant!" It's just gut wrenching though to lose a much wanted and loved baby. I hope you have support around you.

I'm still bleeding but it's not so heavy. I just don't know what my body is doing. I don't know what to expect, is this it? More like a period because it's so early in the pregnancy or will it get worse and painful? I've not had any pain this time around. My last mc was the most excruciating pain I've ever felt.

I'm worried about DH, he has been fairly quiet but said he's frustrated.

I had hoped with the timing of this one, due date according to the NHS calculator was on the 1 year anniversary of mc #1, that we would have a sticky bean but I shouldn't have hoped. I feel like such a loser.

You are definitely not a loser and as much as you hate to hear it, it’s nothing you’re doing wrong it really is a case of bad things happening to good people. I have to keep fighting he same things you’re feeling cos the prospect of giving into it means I’ll give up on trying for another baby. Maybe I’m saying this from a place that this is the first time it’s happened and might be different if it happens again.
Are you going to see a doctor? I haven’t yet, I’m still bleeding but more like a light period, I feel like I know it’s over though as I feel nothing, my boobs are tender anymore, no cramping. It’s heartbreaking but we can get past broken hearts and keep your eye on the end goal!

@Tiniestsky thank you, I am a glass half full type person. Calling GP this morning and will push for an appointment. I would say to you too to get yourself to GP as you need to be checked over and make sure you're looked after. They'll be able to give advice on what to check for/ test.

Called GP surgery and receptionist won't book me in to see doc, said will get a call first then if doc feels needs to see me then will tell me what time to come in. Feeling fobbed off

Sounds like my doctor, I called just before I started bleeding heavy to book an appt and the receptionist refused to book one until I told her what it was for, eventually after I told her she told me I could only have a telephone appt within the hour. I got a call from a cold horrible doctor who basically said cos it was early I'd have to just wait it out and if the bleeding got heavy then I would probably be miscarrying.
My bleeding has stopped and no cramps so guess I should be happy it was short.... hard to be happy though.
I'm at work today so can't get to a doc til tomorrow, keep getting this weird paranoia that it was ectopic and there's some kind of hidden problem going on! That's the issue with these sites and google in general that it only takes for one person to say that her friends tube popped cos she didn't go to a doc and you spiral into a frenzy of panic!

Maybe you should call back though and push for an appt..?

I went to A&E when this happened to me. The first thing they did was a pregnancy test. Have you done any further tests?
Mine was negative 2 days after the bleeding started. It doesn't work that way for everyone though. I was 5+3 when I started bleeding. No one would scan me.

Fingers crossed for a good outcome. I've been there and it's horrible. I do now have DS but it took a while to get here. Hugs

@Tiniestsky I would definitely go get checked out just for peace of mind and advice. You may be sent to the EPU t ok be scanned for retained products.

@fuckwitsabound I haven't taken any more tests since Saturday morning with fmu.

Doc phoned and has told me to get myself to EPU as there's nothing he can do at the surgery but that they should scan me to ensure if it was a mc that there's no retained products. He asked if I passed clots and I said yes but thing is that there were a few about the size of a 2p or 50p piece then rest was what you see when lining comes out with normal period. I just don't know what is going on. Convinced I've definitely lost this one. No baby can survive that amount of bleeding I'm certain. I need this sorted out though by Thursday really as I fly out on holiday Saturday. DH on his way home to then drive me up to hospital.

Good luck! Keep me posted, my fingers are crossed for any kind or positive news. I will defo go to be sure all is good :) I'm not sure I have an epu my boyfriend me are the only ones who know

Will do. Thank you. I just want to know where I'm at now with this one, is there more to come out or is the mc complete. Definitely look up your local NHS trust for an EPU x

I'll give my local one a call, saw there was one at Addenbrookes in Cambridge so fingers crossed they can tell me something, just being able to talk about it to someone other than the boyfriend will relieve some stress.
I hope you're getting on ok, not sure if you can private message on here but if not feel free to message on Facebook if our want...?

Thanks lovely. Just waiting in EPU now. Hopefully nurse at least will see me soon. I know what they're gonna say anyway but need to just get answers.

If you're Cambridge way and feel you need to speak to specialist counsellors give Petals charity a call. I'm getting my counselling through them at the moment.

I understand completely, not to quote friends but you just need closure.
I called the epu and she said to do a test in 3 weeks cos it's too early for a scan now. I don't appear to have symptoms of an ectopic so unless I do just hold out and test later.... she said it sounds like a miscarriage though.
How did you get on?

I've had bloods taken so have to wait until tomorrow for results. I know what they'll say but I'm still devastated.

After 5 years TTC I finally get BFP only to mc at 12 weeks, then 3 cycles on I get another BFP only to mc again.

Glad you called the EPU. Make sure your GP does record the pregnancy in your notes.