It's happening again! Why me?

[InDreamland]

I posted here in July when I lost my little bean at 12 weeks after 5 years TTC. Absolutely heartbroken and I'm still trying to cope with that loss.

On Thursday I found out I was pregnant again and should be 4+4 today. I took another FRER this morning with fmu and it was a stronger line than the one on Thursday. I had a prearranged NHS internal scan for investigations this morning. After my mc in July I was re-referred back to infertility clinic because it took so long to get pregnant and I'm convinced something to do with that is linked to the mc. All was fine, even when I emptied my bladder 5 mins before I went into the room. Told the sonographer I was pregnant but agreed we wouldn't see anything on scan as I was so early. Literally as soon as scan was done I wiped myself to get rid of the gel and there was loads of spots of blood. I have continued to bleed all day and it had got redder. I just know I'm losing this baby too.

I am such an idiot for hoping this could be our rainbow.

I'm sorry, it's hard for me this being the first time and at 4 weeks, let alone being in your position...
wish there were words to make it any better for you, take some time though and try not to let it defeat you, trying again for me will be hard and scary but we have to don't we? What's the alternative? X

Oh sweetie. Yes it is hard and it will be, it takes a long time to learn to cope with losing a much loved and wanted baby. If you do feel like you need to talk to someone do give Petals charity a call. I have a counselling session this morning for my first loss so will talk through this one too.

We will try again, we're so desperate for our baby.

I'll have a look into it, thanks :)
I hope you get your baby with no more complications.
The nurse I spoke to yesterday said to wait 3 weeks to test, I feel like until I know 100% that the worst has happened I've got this stupid slither of hope that maybe I just had a heavy bleed for some other reason

Thank you. Thankfully I'll get a few additional counselling sessions because I've had this mc too.

That is generally the standard advice to test again in 3 weeks unless they scanned you and could see an empty womb. I totally understand that little bit of hope that the bleed didn't necessarily mean losing baby. I had that little bit of hope for a miracle with my first too. You hear stories of others who bled throughout pregnancy or had a big bleed and baby still was delivered healthy. It's natural to have that hope.

Presume you passed clots too which makes you sure it's a mc?

Fingers crossed for you that you will one day soon have your baby! Hope everyone on the mc/pregnancy loss board does.

When you're ready to start TTC again there's a thread in the conception board for TTC after pregnancy loss which has lovely ladies who have all gone through similar and are so supportive. Come join us there x

I'm such a noob with this site and forums in general, how do I find it?

Yes had some clotting with the heavy bleed, deep down I know what's happened, just want the closure tbh

Although I've got my boyfriend to talk to it's really dawned on me that I have no friends and nobody to turn to even just to chat.

I hope you get the extra counselling and it helps

Awww, sorry to hear you don't feel you've anyone to speak to offline. That said, sometimes it's easier to talk about it to others online who actually understand what you're going through and counsellors who are trained to listen to what you're saying.

I've posted the link to the thread here for you:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/3373532-ttc-after-pregnancy-loss-thread-26-bfps-are-coming

Would be lovely to see you on there.

I think I found it, saw you on it so guessing it's the right one lol
Definitely agree that it helps to talk to people who understand first hand.
The thought patterns alone can be tiring, one min I'm ok with it all and the next I'm having a break down and feeling like it'll never happen for me again, it's so draining

@InDreamland so sorry to here about your second loss. It is so shit.
I have really struggled with both my losses. I think I have spoke to you before. My only way of copying is to try again. I work in a neonatal unit and have seen parents who have had 4/5 miscarriages and then gone on to have a healthy baby. The thought of any more kills me inside and I'm sure you too.
I went to a body talk session and reflexology and they both seemed to help relax me. Definitely a bit early for you now but when you feel ready it may be something you would like. The lady taking my body talk session told me to look at my 2nd loss as the wee soul/ baby trying to come back. I really found that day Was the day I started to cope with the second loss. Mind you my 2nd miscarriage was in April and I still have tearful moments . I'm hoping my rainbow baby comes back soon and stays this time. Big hugs for your second loss, I know nothing anybody says makes it easier. Here if you need a chat x

@Tiniestsky glad you found the thread! Talking to the right people helps, that's why I come on MN and have the counselling. The tiredness is very normal. I'm exhusted. I was already exhausted from my last mc as grief really takes it out of you and so this one has really knocked me.

@Jay92 thanks for your post. Yes I think I remember you from a previous thread. It is so hard. Glad you found something that helps, it's a lovely way of looking at your 2nd mc. some other ladies have mentioned reflexology so I'll probably look into that. April wasn't that long ago really, 7 months isn't long enough for the loss you've suffered. I hope you will get your rainbow soon x

And you too @InDreamland . Just feels like a long time coming.

I got my blood test results and came back at '4' which is negative so definitely confirmed I'm "not pregnant". She said that because I had the +ve HPTs (3 of them!) I had mc'd.

3 weeks is a long time to wait to test isn't it.

Sorry, I think I'm just repeating myself. Ignore me - my brain is really not working at the moment, head is all over the place.

Aww @InDreamland that is horrible . I am so sorry 😩 get you well rested and hopefully things will happen again soon for you. Big hugs

@InDreamland sorry to hear that, does it make it any easier to know for sure so that you can take your holiday and use the time to heal and work out how to move on? Sorry it wasn't better news x

@InDreamland

I’m so sorry to hear you’re having to go through this. I’ve had 4 MC’s (including 1 chemical) lucky enough to be bless with a beautiful DD (5) after two M/C then had another 2 M/C’s after her. I don’t know if it helps to spread some positivity and hope but I’m now 15+3 weeks pregnant and everything is looking good so far.

Please don’t ever lose hope, I know how terrifying and hard it is xxx

@Iswallowtoothpaste sorry it's taken so long to respond, I dropped off MumsNet for a few weeks as was feeling so low and TBH still really struggling. Christmas this year is killing me. Sorry you've had so many losses but glad you have 1 DC with another on the way, hope you have a straightforward pregnancy.

I feel like everywhere I turn I'm having pregnancies and babies shoved down my throat and I just want to hide away. Supposed to be 35 weeks with my first yet I'm grieving for my second baby too now. Dreading my due date next month of baby no.1. Baby no.2's due date was on the 1st anniversary of the loss of baby no. 1 so 2019 is going to be awful too.

I feel so lost and useless.

@InDreamland I’m so sorry, I’m honestly not trying to shove it down your throat, just as some one whose had 2 consequtive M/C’s and then a healthy baby and then another 2 M/C’s and a pregnancy that’s progressing well I thought it would offer you some hope in an awful situation. When we miscarried around 10 of my friends announced they were pregnant in quick succession. 3 of them had the same due date as me and they are imminently due now. That was really, really tough. It felt like it was being rubbed in my face.

You’re not useless at all, you’ve been though the unthinkable twice. Thinking of you OP X

@Iswallowtoothpaste sorry it's not you and I know you're not shoving it down my throat. I meant that it's just everywhere I turn, everywhere I go, even in my own home I can't turn on the TV without constant reminders and it all just being in my face all the time. I just feel like there is no escaping constant reminders of what I've lost and cannot have. It was 5 years of disappointment and feeling totally useless to get pregnant only for it to end in heartbreak twice.

indreamland I'm so sorry to read you're still having such a shitty time of things :( how are you feeling?

Thanks for asking @Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly. I'm up and down, it's getting harder again as the due date of first baby gets closer. Should be 36 weeks today and about to start maternity leave but instead I have a second loss too.

I'm so sorry you're on the mc/pregnancy loss boards now. Losing a baby is one of the worst things anyone can go through. Sending you lots of hugs

Thank you, got a while to go til her due date rolls around thankfully, I was due 31st January. Hoping it gets better for us soon :(

I hope so too but I'm also realistic and know it will be a difficult 2019 with 2 due dates and 2 loss anniversaries to cope with.

I know the feeling, I have the anniversary of my first miscarriage of twins on 28th January, her due date on 31st January, then the anniversary of my second miscarriage on the 22nd February. Then the due date of first miscarriage on 18th August, due date of the second miscarriage on 22nd September and then Evies anniversary will roll round on 23rd December again :(

Oh goodness. This is just so unfair. I wish none of us on here ever has to experience another loss 🙏 and that we all can have healthy pregnancies and babies in 2019.

Me too 🤞 everything but legs crossed ay? 😁