Waiting to miscarry

[SuperSharpShooter82]

I went for an early private scan ten days ago that showed baby with a heartbeat but was measuring a week small. Should have been 7+2 but was measuring 6. Despite the scan ladies being very positive I didn't feel right about it and booked a rescan.

Went in this morning and baby was measuring smaller than last scan and there was no longer a heartbeat

Was then sent to my EPU where they did another scan which showed the same. Despite having the two private scan reports and the NHS one, I was told I have to wait a week and then scan again to confirm. So I now have another appointment next Tuesday but have been told things may happen naturally before then.

I am devastated at what has happened. This would have been a much longed for second child. However, in some ways I am relieved because I have known since that first scan something wasn't right. That said I feel like this is worse because despite KNOWING what has happened I am now waiting. I feel like I am in limbo I hate feeling like there is something dead inside me and I just want to get on with things so I can move forwards.

Please can anyone advise on what happens now? I don't feel I had any options talked through with me so have no idea what to do if it doesn't happen before next week. I'm also worried about what pain I might feel and what I might experience if it does happen naturally or what happens next week. I don't know whether I should go into work or just sit at home and wait

I am so sorry for everyone who has gone through this, but advice or experiences people feel they could share would be much appreciated xxx

Oh an old thread, sorry. Nice to read that you are better now. Good luck

@SuperSharpShooter82 glad the scan was all clear today, and to those who had appointments I hope they went well. Apologies for not doing a proper reply to each person - I am exhausted but am thinking of everyone whatever stage you are at physically or mentally today

For me things started to happen last night - went from brown spotting and period pain in the afternoon to blood and labour pains in the evening. I managed to get some sleep but the pain was worse this morning and bleeding heavier. I went to my EPU appointment and ended up having the sac removed by the doctor there and then, followed by an MVA to remove the rest as I was in agony and fainting from the blood loss. It was painful but only lasted 5 mins and I got to go home 2 hours later. I am feeling glad it's over, and the pain and bleeding have massively reduced now so I feel a bit more human.

Sorry if any of that is TMI, but it was very much the edited version! If anyone has any questions about the MVA procedure (basically the surgical procedure with just a local anaesthetic) I am happy to answer.

Hi @mostimproved I've been thinking of you. That sounds so dramatic! I'm sorry you had to go through that and all that pain. But I'm pleased it's over for you too. How are you feeling? xxx

@SuperSharpShooter82 I am feeling a lot better now, like a weight has been lifted! I am still a bit emotional and worrying about when to go back to work, but now I'm trying to focus on TTC again. Did the doctors say you should wait until after you have a period? They said that to me, but then I have read it's just because it makes dating the pregnancy easier as it gives you a LMP date, and you can actually try again as soon as your bleeding has stopped and you have a negative pregnancy test. They said no unprotected sex for two weeks, which contradicts what they said about waiting for a period anyway.

Also, just wanted to say that I don't mean to upset anyone who doesn't yet want to try again, it's just my way of dealing with things as I feel like I'm in the pregnancy mindset now and want to keep that momentum going. I totally get the feeling of not wanting to try again for a while - in fact I felt that way initially, but now the grief is subsiding it has been replaced with that urge to have a baby again.

Hope everyone has some suitably crappy tv to watch and chocolate to eat tonight x

Well it's over and done with now and I'm home. It's been a hell of a day- waiting for over 3 hours in a waiting room with some ladies who are lucky enough to still be pregnant. Don't mean to sound bitter, it was just a difficult reminder of what I've lost. The staff were very supportive though and all went smoothly. Just feeling a bit 'empty'.
Glad to hear your scan was clear today SuperSharpScooter and hope you are ok after your day mostimproved.
ClumsyFool I had notification that you mentioned me in a post earlier, but for some reason, I can't see it.
Hope you are all having a relaxing evening x

Doesn’t seem right saying, but I’m glad things are getting to the point of being over physically for us but I hope you know what I mean by that.

@mostimproved that sounds so traumatic and you sound amazing for getting through it. Had some cramping today and was a bit tearful this morning but found that getting out and about helped massively. I had been thinking of getting back to work in a couple of days but I think today showed me I’m too up and down and I’d be better seeing how I am towards the end of the week, I’m signed off until the end of next week so I have time I’m just not sure I’ll want quite that long. I think though that I know myself and I’ll know when I’m ready to get back into a routine. Work are being very supportive and of the ‘take as long as you need and not a minute sooner’ mentality which helps hugely.

I know what those of you who have mentioned wanting to start trying again mean. When we first had the bad news my DH said we will start trying again as soon as I’m ready and I said that I couldn’t even think about it and didn’t want to for a while.

However, now that the initial shock has gone I desperately want to try again, I don’t know how long it will take obviously but I also feel sad knowing that I won’t have that same excitement that I had before, as although I’ve had other losses they have been very very early so when this one progressed and I saw it on the scan I started to believe.
Next time though (hoping that there is a next time of course) I just know I won’t be able to believe in it until much later on and the anxiety will be brutal.

I definitely want to start trying asap. They also said the only reason they say wait until you've had a period is for dating purposes. I am in two minds about this. Obviously I want to get started, it might not happen right away and I don't want to waste anymore time. Part of me thinks having vague dates would be good, I would only have scans to go off. However, after this time and knowing that scan wasn't right being a week behind, part of me wants to wait so I can have the clarity. Either way as @ClumsyFool days, the anxiety is going to be crippling if I get pregnant again. I honestly have no idea how I will cope. I also will not trust a scan and feel like I will need them weekly to keep my mind at rest and even then I will struggle. I so desperately want to be pregnant again but I feel like all the joy will be gone.

@ClumsyFool I get what you mean, I think once the physical part is over it should become a bit easier to come to terms with what has happened. I am quite tearful today and can't bring myself to go out or do anything, and although I'm signed off work I feel really worried about how they are getting on without me as there are a lot of things no one really covers when I'm away, and I have got a new starter that I'm supposed to be training but I haven't seen him since his first day! There is no way I could be there at the moment though as I am tearful and can't concentrate very well. I might do some work from home over the coming days to ease the guilt.

I agree that the next pregnancy if/when it happens will be very stressful and anxiety-ridden, and so will the time TTC. We conceived on the second cycle of trying last time so if it takes any longer I know I will start thinking something is wrong.

Hope everyone is doing ok today.

Hi all. I'm back because I've been really struggling the past few days. If anything I feel worse than I did before/after it happened. Just feel so down about everything. This has not been helped by the fact that yesterday should have been my 12 week scan, checked FB on my phone and my cousin had posted a photo of her 12 week scan. Second baby. First isn't even one yet. It was like a gut punch. Made me feel so jealous and hopeless. I'm back at work tomorrow and not sure I'm ready but I also don't want more time off. If anyone tells me they are pregnant in the office I will break down.

I want to start TTC again because I'm scared it could take ages but I am petrified of it happening again and even if being pregnant. Just feel like all the joy has been taken out of that positive test result now.

Anyway, there is no real point to this post except to let it out. I hope everyone is doing better xxx

Oh @SuperSharpShooter82 I have been thinking of you and wondering how you were getting on. Sorry to hear you're struggling, it's shit isn't it. I know what you mean about work - even though you will never feel ready to go back, I suppose it doesn't help staying at home either as it doesn't change what has happened. I really hope you don't have to wait too long once you start TTC again - have you had a negative pregnancy test yet?

I also get that when I see people with a baby and pregnant or with small age gaps between toddlers - makes me think if miscarriage is so common what the f makes them so special they could avoid it? Sounds incredibly bitter I know, and it must be even worse when it's someone in your family.

I have another week off work as I had annual leave booked to have driving lessons and am hoping that will be a good distraction. At home all day I just feel like I'm stuck in a bad dream or a Groundhog Day type set up where I can't move forward as I don't feel any better day to day. The worst thing is we told our DS we were expecting a baby as he is old enough to overhear conversations anyway and we wanted to include him, and we haven't told him about the miscarriage yet as we are holding on to the fact I'll get pregnant again quickly and he'll be none the wiser. He keeps mentioning 'our baby' and the things he thinks we should buy etc, so I feel like we'll have to tell him soon but I really don't want to.

Oh @mostimproved that's so sad about your DS. How old is he again? I think it will be worse for you if that makes sense, they are resilient little buggers! Have you looked online for any advice on how to break it to him? Keep strong, will be thinking of you.

I haven't done a pregnancy test yet. Was going to do it next week. I don't feel strong enough to see it yet. I know that sounds silly as I know this pregnancy is over, but I don't want to see that white space. I have done so many tests over the past few years praying for lines and I have a hatred of that empty box! But then I want it to be negative as want to start trying. Sod waiting for a period!

The bitterness has kicked in here too. I had to unfollow my cousin and couldn't even bear to 'like' her post. I've actually debated on blocking her (we don't see each other in real life) as I am sure there will be endless updates until her due date which would also have been around mine. Her stupid husband posted something along the lines of "we're great at making babies, first try on our wedding night..." followed by the hashtag #heshootshescores which I would have found vulgar at the best of times but yesterday it drove me mad. Feels too much like bragging and a kick in the teeth.

I'm now preparing myself for a long road of bitterness and no doubt more baby bombs. Feel gutted about the age gap and worried of whether we will even have a second child which makes me feel terrible as I know we are so blessed with DD.

I am back at work tomorrow, don't work Fridays and had already booked Monday off (visiting my gran in her care home) so will be a nice way to ease back in. I'm dreading being asked why I was off/where I've been/if I'm ok but most of all I am dreading someone announcing their pregnancy (which let's face it knowing how things go, is probably fucking inevitable) and completely loosing my shit.

@SuperSharpShooter82 DS is 7, so we have a huge age gap anyway which is fine, but he's so grown up it feels like we are three adults having a baby together the way he talks about it! I've looked online and it says to make sure you use matter of fact words ie say the baby died rather than lost/sleeping as they might not understand or might worry about dying in their sleep or something. I think we will just say the baby wasn't strong enough to survive, and this can happen to babies sometimes, and one day he will have a brother or sister but that one wasn't meant to be. You're right it will upset me and DP more than it upsets DS.

Yes pregnancy tests are a bit of a headfuck - I have done a couple of internet cheapies recently and am willing the line to go away which feels totally weird! My boobs are back to normal now and they feel soooo small so I reckon the hormones have nearly gone, but I still had a faint line on this morning's test.

How old is your DD - I remember you said she's in nursery, so not a huge age gap but understand it's frustrating if you thought you'd have a certain gap and now things have changed, it's like you have to reset everything in your mind. And don't feel guilty about being desperate for a second baby when you've already got a child - obviously they are wonderful and it's a real blessing to have one, but the love for your existing child just makes you want another child even more so it is really hard and totally normal to feel that way. Although your DD won't care about the age gap so don't worry about that!

Good luck with work tomorrow, and let the bitterness out on here if it helps!

Have been thinking about you all. I went back to work yesterday and totally get where you’re coming from. I thought I was doing better but had a complete meltdown the night before I went back. Couldn’t stop crying, full on curled up in a ball on the bed sobbing and it just came out of nowhere. Barely slept a wink and contemplated not going to work (would still have been covered by my sick note for a couple of days) but I knew it’d be the same when I did go back still. Have had a migraine come on every day since last Thursday and have struggled to sleep so I think it all kind of came out.

There’s a woman at work pregnant with her second and pretty much due at the same time I would have been, we were talking about it together as it came out due to some news at work. I’m so glad she on holiday this week as I know seeing her this week would have just made things so much harder. At least when she is back I should be that bit stronger and able to deal with it. I’ve unfollowed and hidden a few people on Facebook this last week, on the day I had my surgery someone posted a 12 week scan of their third baby and it felt like such a kick in the teeth, which I know is wrong as I don’t begrudge anyone their much wanted babies it was just bad timing. Weirdly, my best friend is also pregnant again and that doesn’t bother me at all, it only seems to be people I don’t really know that well. At least I can delete those people without it looking off.

Hoping for a better day tomorrow for us all. Thinking of you all.

Hi @ClumsyFool. Gosh that's tough regarding the woman at work. I am sure she will be sympathetic to your situation but it's not the point is it? It's so hard isn't it? I hate being so bitter and jealous but I just can't deal with pregnancies right now, especially ones that are close to where I should have been.

I have also debated putting off work. I know I could get signed off for longer and that work would be sympathetic, but as you say, it's just prolonging the inevitable. I am so nervous about today and what people will ask me. I just want to be left alone and my office isn't like that! It's super chatty. Think I'm just going to put my headphones in! Anyway, it's only one day as I don't work Fridays. I'm definitely having wine tonight!

@mostimproved I thought your son was younger, so yes, that is a tricky age. I agree that being honest is probably the best approach. You are so strong and brave to deal with that. Your son is lucky to have you.

When are you all starting to TTC again? Are you waiting for periods or just a negative test?

@SuperShsrpShooter82 hope your first day back is going as well as it can and hopefully there’s plenty on to keep your mind occupied. As for ttc again I don’t want to wait for a period, if I don’t have any bleeding through today and tomorrow then we will start again from the weekend, I kind of need to start having sex again anyway as there was so often bleeding and spotting from finding out I was pregnant I just didn’t want to do it, which probably sounds ridiculous but there it is, and now I just need that intimacy back more than anything.

My bleeding and spotting has stopped as of today, and I got a faint positive test yesterday so will test again tomorrow. The hospital said wait two weeks after the MVA to have unprotected sex so that would be Monday, but as long as I don't have any more bleeding I think we will start on the weekend. I joined the September ttc bus but it does feel very weird going back to the talk of OPKs etc when I thought that was all over now.

I haven't had any bleeding in over a week now. So that must be good then. I will bite the bullet and do a test on the weekend. If it is negative I will start.

Work is pretty shitty. Have had two people ask if I had a nice holiday?! I am not even sorry to say I didn't even answer them and just walked off.

I was going to join the TTC after miscarriage thread, but I am not ready just yet.