Waiting to miscarry

[SuperSharpShooter82]

I went for an early private scan ten days ago that showed baby with a heartbeat but was measuring a week small. Should have been 7+2 but was measuring 6. Despite the scan ladies being very positive I didn't feel right about it and booked a rescan.

Went in this morning and baby was measuring smaller than last scan and there was no longer a heartbeat

Was then sent to my EPU where they did another scan which showed the same. Despite having the two private scan reports and the NHS one, I was told I have to wait a week and then scan again to confirm. So I now have another appointment next Tuesday but have been told things may happen naturally before then.

I am devastated at what has happened. This would have been a much longed for second child. However, in some ways I am relieved because I have known since that first scan something wasn't right. That said I feel like this is worse because despite KNOWING what has happened I am now waiting. I feel like I am in limbo I hate feeling like there is something dead inside me and I just want to get on with things so I can move forwards.

Please can anyone advise on what happens now? I don't feel I had any options talked through with me so have no idea what to do if it doesn't happen before next week. I'm also worried about what pain I might feel and what I might experience if it does happen naturally or what happens next week. I don't know whether I should go into work or just sit at home and wait

I am so sorry for everyone who has gone through this, but advice or experiences people feel they could share would be much appreciated xxx

@Yorkshirelass27 I'm so sorry this has happened to you and after IVF as well, that must be heartbreaking. Do whatever feels right for you whether that's staying in bed crying or finding a distraction - there is no wrong way to grieve and no set time limit. I have found my DP is also getting very upset and we have just held each other and cried when we go to bed each night, without really saying anything as sometimes there's just nothing to say.

Posting on here and reading other people's posts has helped me a lot, both with the practical aspect of what's to come and the emotional side of things. It is so much to take in when you've only just found out though so for now just take it one day at a time, and keep posting if that helps you. Take care and hope you can get some sleep tonight x

Thank you very much for your advice and kind words mostimproved.
I keep swinging between shell shock and bursting into tears at the moment. Life can be so cruel at times.
Best wishes and thanks again x

Sorry to hear so many are going through this. I went for a scan yesterday, should have been 11 weeks but told there was no heartbeat and baby had stopped growing at 9+6. Absolutely heartbroken, we didn’t see it coming at all. I’ve been so nauseous every day and had such sore boobs plus we saw a heartbeat at 6 and 8 weeks. This is my second mc this year. Lost one at 10 weeks in Feb and now this. It’s just not fair.

Had shocking care at the hospital. after being told there was no heartbeat by the sonographer we were put in ‘the room’ then left for 40 mins. When DH went to find someone we were told they couldn’t find a dr to speak to us so they sent us home and said a dr would ring us ‘hopefully by the end of the day!?’ So I’m going to a different EPAU today and hopefully they will be better.

It’s all very different this time. Last time I started bleeding in the Monday, had a scan to confirm mc on Tuesday and had passed most of it on the Wednesday (although I did continue to bleed for weeks after that). I just remember the pain being unbearable but the thing I’m most dreading is actually passing the baby. It was horrible enough last time passing a 6 week fetus ( I distinctly remember feeling it) but this time it’s nearly 10 weeks so will it actually look like a tiny baby.

Sorry for such graphic thoughts, I really hope I don’t upset anyone. I just needed a ‘safe place’ to vent my thoughts x

@yorkshirelass27 and @rdm10 I’m so so sorry for your loss it’s an indescribable feeling. We had the news on Tuesday after seeing a heartbeat the week previously that there was no longer a heartbeat. @rdm10 I know exactly what you mean about ‘the room’ I called it the room of doom after being sent there 4 times (we had to go for a lot of scans due to early bleeding and concerns over it being ectopic) I absolutely hate that room, felt like I couldn’t breathe this week when sat in there being told the bad news. Make sure you are aware of your options and weigh up which is the best way forward for you personally. I never thought I’d choose surgical management but found myself going that way, but what’s right for me isn’t necessarily right for someone else.

If anyone reading this has any questions about the surgery or what happens before/after please ask and I’ll do what I can to answer as I know how anxious I felt beforehand about it all.

If I had chosen the medical management I was given the option of doing so at the hospital or at home so that is another thing to consider if you would rather not be in hospital and would prefer to be on your own surroundings. It’s a hugely personal choice and it has to be your own as much as possible if you are given an option.

@InDreamland I just want to wrap you up in a big hug, hearing you describe yourself as a failure because to me you sound absolutely amazing and the fact that after everything you’ve been through that you can be here to offer support to others is inspiring. None of this is because of anything you have done or not done, it is a cruel and horrible situation but the outcome could never have been changed. Am thinking of you and here anytime you need to let your feelings out

rdm10 'the room' is horrible. It was in a different area to the scanning room, the nurse did her best to take us their without going through the waiting area where the pregnant ladies were, but we still had to walk through waiting areas with lots of other people. I just felt like I wanted to run away from it all. Your experience sounds terrible. Hope the other Epau is better.
ClumsyFool did you have a GA for your operation? How did you find it? Wish I could have got it done today instead of having to waiting until Monday. I've started to get mild tummy ache and worried things are going to happen x

@Yorkshirelass27 yes I had a general anaesthetic and talking from a purely physical viewpoint it was fine, obviously emotionally it’s tough whatever happens 😢. I remember the anaesthetist asking if I was starting to feel drowsy and I said ‘a little’ and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room.

Pain wise I had some painful cramps when I woke up but the nurse with me gave me some paracetamol and then straight away got the oramorph for me to swallow and that helped massively. The bleeding after isn’t too bad either. I’m not soaking through pads or anything.

The worst part was the waiting though, we were there before 7am and I didn’t go to theatre til sometime between 11-12 but then I was back on the ward before 12:30. I was treated with compassion and sensitivity, even the anaesthetist put her hand on my arm and promised they’d take really good care of me. The weekend is a long time to wait so I really do feel for you, I was ‘lucky’ to be able to go from making a decision Wednesday to being seen yesterday.

I’ll be thinking of you and I really do mean it when I say please ask me anything if you need to.

Sorry to hear that @rdm10, you’re right it’s not fair, and the way our bodies still give us symptoms seems so cruel as well. I hope the different EPAU gives you better care and explains all the options to you - for me the thought of potentially seeing the foetus has made me want to go for surgical management if possible so I don’t have to see anything, but they should give you some time to weigh up the pros and cons.

@ClumsyFool how are you feeling after the surgery? Did they say how much bleeding you would get afterwards, and how long were you in the hospital for? Wishing you a fast recovery. I am keen to have the surgical management, but if things happen naturally before I will be terrified. I think I would go to the hospital to make them look after me as I feel they owe me in the absence of delivering my baby alive. Sorry if that sounds weird.

I keep fixating on trying to pinpoint when the baby actually died - we saw the heartbeat at 7 weeks but baby was measuring 6, then at 9 weeks still measuring 6 so it must have died soon after that scan, and we saw the heart beating on one of the last days it would ever beat. I keep checking the calendar looking at what I was doing on those days, whether I was stressed or felt something different, and then feeling like an idiot thinking about times I was avoiding alcohol, wearing my baby on board badge, even having my booking in appointment when all the while I was carrying a dead baby and didn’t even know. I expected to feel sad but didn’t anticipate feeling so embarrassed and ashamed, as if I’ve let everyone down.

Sorry to be so negative - I’m going to meet my DP for lunch soon which hopefully cheers me up a bit. Hugs to all those struggling, we will get through this.

Thank you very much for that information and kind words ClumsyFool, especially as you have only just been through it yourself. It must have been horrible waiting all that time for the operation to happen. I hope you are feeling 'OK' today.
I just want to get it out of the way. Like you mostimproved I am terrified it is going to come naturally. I also spent the night thinking about when the baby died, what I could of done differently, those around me I feel I've let down. My head is ready to burst. It is so sad that so many ladies go through this.
Sending best wishes to you all x

Sending best wishes to you all xx I'm in hospital after my tube ruptured last night at home. It was embedded in the muscle and was missed on 4 scans

Ladies I'm so sp so sorry for all your losses. It's heartbreaking to read every day more and more new stories of babies being lost. No-one should have to ensure such pain but here we all are. All I can say at the moment is take all the time you need to heal both emotionally and physically because it's probably one of the worst things you'll have to ever go through. Spend time crying, sleeping, watching mindless telly, cuddling your DH/DP, talking to anyone who will listen but not judge or say unhelpful things (basically anyone who will properly listen hold your hand and hug you) and don't force yourself too much to do things you don't feel ready for yet. I've been off 4 weeks now from work and will have to start easing myself back in gently next week. I had 1 week betwen finding put baby had died and 3 weeks since the natural mc. I've really needed the time and it's still feeling very very raw and hurts so much. I hope with counselling I can heal enough to not feel sad and like I'm going to cry all the time - Christmas is my goal to feel more human again. Just remember that every emotion and feeling you are going through at the moment is perfectly normal and natural for someone who has gone through what we have been through and so allow yourself to think and feel that way for now but try also to be kind to yourself and know that with every day that passes it it should get a tiny weeny bit easier to cope with, you will have up and down days (goodness don't I know it) but you are all incredibly strong amazing women! Now I think I need to go and listen to my own advice..........

@ClumsyFool thanks for your comments. You're so kind, I don't feel at all like I'm inspiring but if it helps someone then I'm glad. I think we are all in this together, total strangers yes but there is one thing that sadly brings us together. I have a thread on here too because I felt MN was the only place I could really communicate everything going through my mind and everything I'm experiencing as it is through my eyes - the ladies who have all commented have been so supportive I think it is natural that we all end up supporting eachother and I'm so grateful.

I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have found this thread, hearing some of the things you’re all saying resonate so hard, like tracking back to work out when it happened and what I might have done to cause it.

@mostimproved I totally get what you are saying about being so worried about things happening naturally as that’s exactly how I felt, I honestly don’t think I could have coped with it. The nurse at the EPU gave me some idea of what might happen and told me it was so important to drink lots of it did happen as it can really dehydrate you apparently. To answer your questions they said that the bleeding shouldn’t last any more than 10 days and if it did or got heavier or more painful to call them. Feeling a bit sore this afternoon for the first time but nothing unbearable and the bleeding is only light. I was in hospital until about 5:30 so on the ward for around 5 hours. Had to have my urine checked whenever I went to the toilet, the first one was full of blood but the next 2 were clear so they were happy and my obs were all ok.

@shapelyglass I’m so sorry that must have been so traumatic for you how are you doing?

Today is the first day I’ve actually had to myself since finding out and the first day I’ve not had to go for appointments etc and I was ready for it, have pottered about the house a bit to keep my mind off things but always end up back on the sofa crying after a bit.

Hello all.

I'm so sorry to see more joining this thread. It's heartbreaking that this is happening to so many of us.

This is just a quick and probably rather selfish update from me, I have been quite busy and am now shattered so don't think I'm being rude. I think I passed the last bits this afternoon. Wasn't painful and was no way as much as the first, but similar in that it seemed to "fall out" of me and I did spend the majority of DD's nap on the loo. The bleeding seems to have slowed down now too.

Really hoping that is it and that I don't need surgery. That is by no means a judgment or anyone else who felt that is the right option for them, it's just my preference. I honestly think there is no right or wrong in this situation and we are all doing what we feel is best for us at such a shit time.

My thoughts go out to you all. I really hope everyone is bearing up ok tonight xxx

I’ve been thinking about you @sharpshooter82 and wondering how you are. You don’t have to justify anything, this shitty situation we have all found ourselves in is so horrible that if you do have any element of control over any part of it you absolutely should do what is best for you. I truly hope that this is the end of it now for you and that you don’t have to have the surgery as it’s bad enough that this has happened without having to go through an extra process that you really don’t want.

I’ve really struggled today, for some reason this has been one of the worst days. Although I’ve been fortunate in that I’ve barely had any bleeding since getting back from the hospital. Today however, I’ve been really sore and exhausted. Feeling very tender to the touch on my stomach, especially on the side where the pregnancy was (heart shaped womb so it was in one of the ‘horns’) yet even though I’m so tired I can’t sleep. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better.

Hope everyone is doing as ok as you can be.

It’s just such a horrible thing to go through and I’m so sad so many of us have to experience it.
I’m worried that I’m just not handling the whole thing very well. I feel nothing. When I found out on Thursday I was devastated and cried all day but since then, nothing. The other EPAU were lovely and I’m booked in for medical management tomorrow but I didn’t even get upset when there, even when I had another scan to confirm it and was told all over again that there was no heartbeat.
Last time, it’s all I thought about and I was constantly sad but this time, I’m not really thinking about it. I think I feel like it hasn’t happened but I don’t still feel pregnant, rather I feel like I never was pregnant. I’m sure it’s just self-preservation but I worry that at some point (probably tomorrow once things start to happen physically) it’s going to all come crashing down on me.

@Yorkshirelass27 like you, I’m afraid of things happening naturally at home. Although I’ve opted for medical, I want to be at hospital when it happens so I don’t have to actually see what I pass (this is personal choice and I know some people want to.) also, they’ve said they run tests on my placenta so that’s another reason I want to be in hospital. Hope we both get through today without anything happening.

Reading this thread has made me think surgical might have been a better choice but I just didn’t like the idea of GA. I’m sure all options are equally horrible, we just have to choose one.

Sorry to hear you had a tough day yesterday ClumsyFool, hope you managed to get some sleep. How are you feeling today? Sending hugs.

Like you said rdm10 I don't think there is a wrong decision or a better decision for that matter, it's what works for you. I just know I have been wishing the past four days away. It feels like I'm being tortured having to wait this long until something is done. I've had stomach ache for a couple of days now and so I'm on edge everything I go to the toilet.
My DH has been amazing, but I worry I've not been good support for him. What time are you going in tomorrow? Hope nothing happens today and it goes as well as it can tomorrow in this crappy situation x

@rdm10 I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way, just what we each feel is the better way to manage things at the time. With the medical management you won’t have the anxiety of the GA which with you saying you don’t like the idea of it you don’t need to add another layer of worry to the situation. You will be looked after every step of the way, don’t be afraid to let the nurses know exactly what you need, whether it’s pain relief, more water, I found that they were amazing and had a lot of compassion and sensitivity for my situation and I’m sure that will be the same for you too.

Please try not to stress about how you do or don’t feel, each day will be different and everybody deals with loss in their own way. All any of us can do is take it a day at a time.

Thank you @yorkshirelass27 I appreciate the hugs, not feeling as sore today just resisting the urge to lock myself away and not talk to anyone as I know it won’t actually do me any good, think I need to find a distraction for a bit so might pop out instead.

Will be thinking of you both tomorrow

I've been a bit like you @rdm10. I've kept going quite well and although there have been tears nothing too major and actually I felt ok. Until yesterday. I kept crying 'for no reason', my DH was lovely and kept saying it's everything I've been through and all the hormones. My DD has also been a nightmare this week and is not sleeping at bedtime. It's taken until 9.30 most nights and we are both exhausted (someone has to sit with her and rub her back or she screams the house down! Usually only takes half an hour and I'd rather do this as I'm not a fan of CIO) and we have had no time for ourselves. As a result we've been going to bed late when I think we both, me especially, could really use an early night and tv in bed to relax. Anyway, last night it came to a head and I'm ashamed to say I shouted at her and wasn't very nice I now feel like not having this second baby is what I deserve. Clearly I can't deal with the one I've got (and she's such a lovely little girl!) and I feel like it's punishment and life telling me I shouldn't have anymore kids because I'm such a horrible and crap shouty mum

I'm so sorry if this is insensitive to those who do not have children, I do not mean it to come across like that, but I'm also desperately worried about ages gaps or her being an only child. It's my biggest worry right now and I keep crying today because I can't beat the thought of her being "on her own". I saw her playing with her little tea set and her teddies all by herself and it broke me I'm so scared this it it and it's heartbreaking.

To those having medical management, I took mine at home. This was my choice because I felt more comfortable being able to relax in my own surroundings. It didn't work (may be because I had already miscarried naturally a few nights before) but the painkillers they gave me knocked me out! I managed the main miscarriage with just ibuprofen and it wasn't too bad. Hopefully they work well for anyone taking the medical management route.

I have another scan tomorrow at 11am. Really hoping everything has gone as the bleeding is really just spotting now and it's brown. For me I am scared more of scarring and the risks of surgery than I am of GA. I am already petrified of TTC again and I knew I didn't need anymore worries. But again the negatives of doing it this way mean I am still not in the clear so it has been a longer process. I understand just wanting it over with as I now want to draw a line under it.

I'm also keen to start TTC again and know I can't until this is over. The Drs said wait for a period (simply as it's then easier to date the pregnancy) but I'm not sure I am going to as I just feel I'm wasting time.

I think we are all amazing and brave and strong. Love and thoughts with you all xxx

Did anyone else get ridiculously hot whilst cramping and bleeding? I know I'm a bit different but before it ruptured and I was cramping and bleeding OMG I was so sweaty! Also night sweats.. is this a thing post miscarriage?

@supersharpshooter82 you are being so so hard on yourself. You are human just like the rest of us and not a robot. Sometimes we lose our patience and it’s often with the people that we really regret losing it with as they are the closest to us and the ones that we are around the most. Your little girl knows how much you love her and while you’re beating yourself up she’s forgotten about it long long ago.

Also I don’t have any children yet but I don’t think you’re being insensitive. It’s just shit, whether you have children already or not doesn’t make it any less painful or any less wanted, it must also make it so hard to deal with when you also have another little person who needs looking after and wants all of your time and attention. I’ve been able to be ‘selfish’ (not the right word I know but it’s the best my brain will do right now with a migraine developing!) in that I haven’t had to look after any other children so have been able to just be upset and sit on the sofa and bawl my eyes out whenever the need hits.

Thinking of you all and hoping that tomorrow goes as well as it can do for those with appointments

OP I could have written exactly what @ClumsyFool wrote word for word. It's amazing you've been able to look after your LO whilst going through this. Don't be hard on yourself x

Thank you for your kind words.

I am pleased to report that the scan today was clear. It's over.

Thank you everyone on this thread. I'm going to spend the next week doing some decorating (makes me happy!) and thinking about other things and hopefully starting to process everything and move on. Love and strength to you all. You are all terrific women and we will all get through this. I hope to see you all again on the antenatal boards with healthy babies xxxxxxxxx

Glad you had a "good" scan hunni - just wish it could have been a healthy baby scan. Now you can start to heal emotionally. Hope the decorating gives you the distraction you need amd remember we are all here for you and eachother when the going gets tough x

Meant to add that hope you have a lovely healthy pregnancy soon x

I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks of a baby that was too small so I can relate a bit. It was absolutely doable at home. Make sure you have some painkillers for if you need them. Look up how much you are allowed in a day and how many hours should be in between. When things start then do that schedule and keep it up till it's out (it will be very small though). You want to keep that stable level of painkillers in your body and not wait till it gets worse (well thats what a nurse told me at the time). A hot water bottle or a shower can be soothing too. Don't do too much when it starts, let DH cook or order something. Be nice to yourself. Take care