Due date

[SpongeBobGrannyPants]

It was my son's due date today (we lost him at 20 weeks). Not had one message today from anyone acknowledging it.

It's shit, isn't it? Dh said it's difficult for them (family and friends), but just a "thinking of X today" text isn't that hard, is it?

I'm so sorry. Were your friends and family aware of your due date? Have you talked about it recently? Some people are really afraid of triggering upset by 'reminding' you of your loss, not realising that you are upset anyway and don't want to forget your loss.

Yes, the ones closest to us knew the date. It just sucks a bit that nobody has said anything today.

I am so sorry for your loss.It is shit. I lost my daughter at 20 weeks just 7 weeks ago. People don't talk about her, if I try they seem uncomfortable with it. They forget that we want to talk about our babies we want them to be remembered.

I try and think they just don't understand, it makes it easier that way. I think child loss is such a taboo subject people find it hard to discuss.

So sorry for your loss @Namechangefailagain

I do get that's difficult for others too. It's hard. We were there mothers and don't want them to be forgotten. To other people it's their worst nightmare and they want to forget it. If they could walk in our shoes, eh? Not that you'd want them to. But it's a lonely place.

*their

I'm so sorry for your loss @SpongeBobGrannyPants and @Namechangefailagain

I lost our son at 22 weeks in December 2016. I think about him every day. Some people in my life have been fantastic, others I have been disappointed in. I have learned that it is really because they just don't understand.

I recommend getting in touch with your local branch of SANDS if you feel you can. They have been wonderful.

Be gentle with yourself X

SpongeBobGrannyPants
Thank you. It's the loneliest I have ever felt in my life. I just wish people understood, I don't want my baby to be forgotten. They've told me they think her heart stopped during delivery, she was perfect it was my body that failed her, I'm scared if I do not keep her memory alive I'm failing her all over again.

Pigletthedog
I am so sorry to here of your loss. I keep meaning to contact SANDS but find it difficult talking to strangers. I need to though as no one in my life has been able to support me like I need. I think most of my family think I need to try and move on and so don't like to talk about my daughter. In honesty I think they think by doing so it will make me worse they don't understand that actually it helps to be able to talk and cry and let out how I'm feeling.

X

Thank you @Pigletthedog and sorry that you've been through this too 

You didn't fail her @Namechangefailagain We'll remember and love our babies forever.

Sands is a good resource. I have spoken to them a few times but yet to make a meeting. One day, I hope.

@Namechangefailagain I felt that I'd let my boy down too. I was in hospital after a bleed, had been there for 3 days and was expecting to be discharged that day. They came to do my routine obs and his heart had stopped beating. I felt like I'd been hit by a train. I remember very clearly feeling that my body had let him down. I think it's a natural reaction.

It wasn't until 3 months later when I had my consultants appointment that we found out that the placenta had failed, I'd had multiple hidden abruptions. And actually by that time, even though technically my body had let him down, I knew that there was nothing that me or anybody else could have to change what happened.

@SpongeBobGrannyPants I've not spoken to SANDS on the phone, it would be pointless as I'd literally just sob! But at the meetings you don't even have to speak if you don't want to. It's very comforting being in a room with people who understand how you're feeling, who don't feel uncomfortable with your grief.

Is your husband/partner supportive?

for all of us. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and my DP, and impacted massively on my DS who was 7 at the time.

Yes, @Pigletthedog, he's been great. We've had to lean on each other a lot though. It would be good if some of his family and friends wanted to chat about it with him.

Your poor DS. One of the hardest things for me was breaking the news to our 4 year old. I'll never forget his face. Just full of confused sadness. Although, he does speak about his brother a lot which is lovely when nobody else does.

I'm glad you're both able to support each other but agree that you both need extra support outside of the relationship. My DP struggles to discuss emotions and I was surprised to learn he was talking much more freely to colleagues than he was to me. He said he would temper his feelings around me as he didn't like it when I became upset. It's amazing, but also so very sad, when you do start to talk to people you find out how many other people have suffered losses, at all stages of pregnancy.

It's so hard dealing with your older child isn't it. It breaks my heart just thinking about it. Is your DS at school yet? My son's school were great, allowed him time out of class when he was upset, worked out a system of him discreetly telling them when he was feeling sad so they could give him quiet time etc.

I also took him shopping and let him choose some outfits that he thought his baby brother would have liked, and then I got them made into a memory bear which he keeps on his bed and is his most favourite teddy.

No, he's not started school yet. He doesn't quite understand it all properly. I have tried to be quite factual with him, but it's hard as it often leads to more difficult questions. He's been wondering if other people's hearts will stop beating too. Now and again he'll also ask if daddy is away to the hospital to pick his brother up and take him home. Breaks my heart everyone I have to say "no sweetheart, he died". One day he'll understand it a bit better I'm sure. Hard for now though.

Your DS's school sound like they've been really great with him.

oh that's so sad. I think the impact on my son was the hardest bit for me. Sort of, I'm an adult, I can cope but my little boy shouldn't have to know that babies die ☹️. I like how children are straight talking though, if they have questions, they ask, if they're sad, they say so.

We were fortunate to have another baby in February, a little girl. The pregnancy was incredibly stressful for all of us, and I know it was hard for my son.

I could talk forever about what happened but I don't want you to feel you have to reply to me all the time if you don't want to.

@Pigletthedog Don't be daft, it's nice to talk. Congratulations on your daughter! I'm pregnant again too. Don't really feel particularly connected to the baby yet. Self preservation I think.

That's great news, congratulations! It definitely wasn't easy being pregnant again, it's a shame, after losing a baby you never enjoy pregnancy in the way you did before. I remember being envious of women who could moan about feeling sick or getting fat and take for granted that after their 12 week scan everything would be fine, or referring to the 20 week scan as the one where they find out if they're having a boy or a girl.

Not meaning to bang on about SANDS but the meetings I went to were 'next pregnancy' group meetings and they were so helpful.

Thank you, she brings us a lot of happiness 😊

I know, every time I see or hear someone say they can relax after 12 weeks I wince a little. I'd never say anything to them of course. I'd love to have that innocence back.

The thing they think may have caused our son's death can happen at any point in pregnancy, so I'm just trying to take things a day at a time and not look too far ahead. I can see the anxiety increasing later on though, if we get that far. Fingers crossed.

I'll be thinking of you @SpongeBobGrannyPants , when is your baby due?

I think that's all you can do, just take it one day at a time and grit your teeth at the often thoughtless comments you'll get for the duration of your pregnancy! (Ie do you want a boy or a girl {no, just one that's alive is all I want}, is it your first {argh do I explain and risk embarrassment or do I just pretend it's my second even though it's my third} etc etc.

Thanks, end of the year, hopefully a bit of Christmas joy! We can always have hope.

My loss was much earlier, and not as traumatic as you ladies.
Your due date is important. I hid and cried on mine. No one knew. My husband didn’t remember, I couldn’t find the words.
The next pregnancy sent me into a spiral of anxiety and stress- loss of naivety is spot on.
Take care of yourself, fingers crossed for a dull and uneventful pregnancy.

Wishing you a happy healthy pregnancy then, come back and let me know that little one is safely here, if you like X

@Cantchooseaname I'm so sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter when in your pregnancy it happens, it's still a loss of dreams and the future you thought you'd have. I took a telephone call on my due date from my counsellor to arrange my first consultation. I just bawled down the phone at the poor woman. Sending hugs to you xx

Regardless the gestation, as soon as you see those two lines we're connected as mothers to our babies. It can be harder for guys though because they don't have that connection so early. I'm sorry he missed the due date though

I'll come back and update @Pigletthedog and thanks for taking the time to chat to me, it's very much appreciated.