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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

'Well meant' but unwelcome comments after mc...

55 replies

Hayls · 18/04/2007 14:08

I admit to being a little sensitive over this having had 2 mcs recently and little hope of trying again so this will probably sound a bit ranty and ungrateful but...

Why do people (and I mean RL people and include my GP) think it will make me feel better if they tell me that years ago I wouldn't even have known I was pg in the first place because there would have been no pg test to tell me? That I would have just thought it was a heavy period? Or that that is why early testing should be discouraged? (FWIW I was over 5 wks when I found out). It sort of implies that it was so early on that it's totally insignificant and I shouldn't be upset/angry etc over it. Even without doing a test I knew I was pg well before AF was due so this theory is total nonsense- do I really need to rely on a test to confirm what my body is telling me?
Rant over. I know it's people trying to help and be supportive but I'd rather they didn't or just asked me how I felt!

OP posts:
EHM · 18/04/2007 14:15

sorry to hear your sad news. I completey understand where you are coming from. I had very early mc, following IVF Dec 03. My mum told me on New Years over the telephone to get a grip it's not like anybody has died!
I was devasted, to me I was grieving. I wish you the best for the future. Try not to dwell on these comments, I did & it caused a wedge between me & my Mum. Until I told her about this comment.
Be postive

AnguaVonUberwald · 18/04/2007 14:18

We were planning our marriage when I found out I was pregnant so the woman at the wedding dress shop knew.

After the misscarriage when I went back in for my dress fitting she said: "I do often think with my pregnant brides that the stress of planning the wedding isn't good for the baby"

OKAY. So I caused the misscarriage by plannign my wedding did I? Thanks for that!!

Not family, but still couldn't belive she said it.

ash6605 · 18/04/2007 14:24

its the comments like "its for the best" or "you can always try again" that really piss me off.

sorry for your loss HAYLS a m/c at ANY stage is heartbreaking.

Hayls · 18/04/2007 14:27

YEs, the 'it happens for a reason', 'fate decides', or 'it's nature's way'. My mum always tells me that she wouldn't have my youngest sis if she hadn't miscarried before her so it obviously happened for a reason. Fair enough, but it doesn't help me much now when I genuinely doubt my ability to a. have courage to ttc again or b. have another successful pg (dd is 3). I can't see that far into the future yet!

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 18/04/2007 14:27

'oh don't worry, it won't happen again.' oh yeah, can i have that in writing?

kimi · 18/04/2007 14:29

Sorry for your loss hayls.
Sometimes people say the wrong thing because they don't know what to say.
They don't mean to be unkind.

Spidermama · 18/04/2007 14:29

Aw sorry hayls. I understand your irritation. It undermines your grief, but I'm sure you know they mean well.

EllieG · 18/04/2007 14:31

Hayls - so sorry for your loss hon - have had exactly same comment said to me. My Mum said this the other day so I just said 'You know that does absolutely nothing to help me feel better' and she hasn't said again. Even DP has said similarly unhelpful things, though, bless him, he is lovely and very supportive. Have come to the conclusion that no one really understands unless it has happened to them so most other people should be ignored if they start saying stupid things.

Hayls · 18/04/2007 14:35

Oh I know they mean well but I'd rather they just gave me a hug and said take care or whatever. AFter the first one I was talkign about being scared to ttc again and somebody said it was VERY unlikely to happen again so when got pg again focused on that one comment because obviously it HAD to be true - I knew it wasn't obviously but wish I hadn't picked up on it and fixated on it. Of course it was well meant and was an attmept to make me feel better but I'm a v sensitive person...

GP just says that obviously I can get pg, can carry to term so there is nothing to worry about. Just wish someone would acknowledge my fears sometimes. Dh is very reluctant to ttc again and can't say I disagree with him.

OP posts:
EllieG · 18/04/2007 14:39

I was/am desparate (hormones speaking I think) to try again after my MC, but am quite liking the space from worrying about things at the moment. Give yourself time to take a breath and be kind to yourself right now xxxx

AitchTwoOh · 18/04/2007 14:47

it's very frightening, isn't it? so sorry that these crappy things have happened to you, hayls. hoping for a boring uneventful next time, when you get there. which you probably will, you know, but i know it doesn't feel like that sometimes.

Deux · 18/04/2007 14:58

Oh dear, people just say the most ridiculous things, don't they. I'm not so sure that they are that well intended - they just don't know what to say - more about them feeling better than trying to make you feel better, iyswim. I think you are perfectly entitle to feel ranty.

I had a mmc after an IVF/ICSI cycle and was totally and utterly devastated and my MIL told DH that she'd had a "heavy period" between DH and his brother, she thought that was a mc and she knew just what I was going through ...... yeah right! Then again my MIL maintains that my SIL was born at 46 weeks gestation weighing 6lb.

sweetheart · 18/04/2007 15:00

I hated "at least you've already got one child". Like that makes it any better!

Hayls · 18/04/2007 15:36

Yes, forgot that one Sweetheart! Although I think it probably is easier having dd because a. she is the most wonderful thing to have happened to me b. I know I CAN have a baby and c. it takes the pressure off slightly because I know I have one healthy child and I should be grateful.
Sorry so many of you have had similar experiences

OP posts:
fryalot · 18/04/2007 15:44

1st mc - my mum said that she didn't really want any more grandchildren anyway.

2nd mc - Rang her up and said "I'm going to tell you something then I'm going to hang up and I don't want you to say a word...." then told her. Still don't know what she would have said.

EllieG · 18/04/2007 15:45

I love that squonk! Should've done that myself

fryalot · 18/04/2007 15:46

she doesn't mean to be insensitive, but she just is

DearieMe · 18/04/2007 15:50

ah well, controversially i think it must be better if you've already got a child. now, whether a mother or not you're experiencing horrible pain so you don't need to hear that at the time, but i know that if i lost another pregnancy now after having dd (and losing two prior to her) then it just Could Not hurt as much because a lot of my pain came from 'will i ever be a mother?'
there may be other thigns, such as the pain of not being able to provide dd with a sibling, but nothing could be as bad as seeing all your firends reproduce with ease whiel you are just desperate to know if being a parent is something that you're ever going to experience.

DearieMe · 18/04/2007 15:50

am Aitch, btw.

fryalot · 18/04/2007 15:52

aitch, dearyme - I tend to agree with you, but that doesn't mean that you actually want to hear it said to you at such an upsetting time.

DearieMe · 18/04/2007 15:54

god no, you don't want to hear it, definitely not.

AitchTwoOh · 18/04/2007 15:56

i'm back, sorry for slight hijack hayls. i feel the world for you, really i do.

willywonka · 18/04/2007 16:05

I had to explain the late sb of dd2 (at 34wks) to a raft of people asking if I'd the baby last year. Whilst most people didn't know how to react, one person said "well it was even worse for my friend..." before explaining how said friend tragically lost their 4yo ds to meningitis. Now I know that this must certainly have been worse but I really didn't need to be told as much, certainly not days after losing dd2.

Though not justifying the various - and somewhat astonishing responses - posted on this thread, I just think that it is difficult for anyone who has not been through it to understand grieving for a person that they, and even you, have not met.

Hayls · 18/04/2007 16:52

Willywonka, I'm so sorry to hear that. Even when you've suffered lots yourself you can never fully imagine how someone else might feel- a glimpse perhaps but never the full picture imo.
DOn't worry about hijack Aitch, I do agree with you totally. If I had mc before I had dd it would have been a million times worse and I knew this even at my lowest points.

I'm going to stop ranting over this now actually, mc was 6 weeks ago and am generally Ok about it but just thought about it earlier on and got bit wound up .

OP posts:
willywonka · 18/04/2007 18:18

You weren't ranting Hayls, you were raising a very reasonable point, I just wish you didn't have to

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