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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

'Well meant' but unwelcome comments after mc...

55 replies

Hayls · 18/04/2007 14:08

I admit to being a little sensitive over this having had 2 mcs recently and little hope of trying again so this will probably sound a bit ranty and ungrateful but...

Why do people (and I mean RL people and include my GP) think it will make me feel better if they tell me that years ago I wouldn't even have known I was pg in the first place because there would have been no pg test to tell me? That I would have just thought it was a heavy period? Or that that is why early testing should be discouraged? (FWIW I was over 5 wks when I found out). It sort of implies that it was so early on that it's totally insignificant and I shouldn't be upset/angry etc over it. Even without doing a test I knew I was pg well before AF was due so this theory is total nonsense- do I really need to rely on a test to confirm what my body is telling me?
Rant over. I know it's people trying to help and be supportive but I'd rather they didn't or just asked me how I felt!

OP posts:

MrsWottinger · 18/04/2007 18:19

you rant away, sweetheart, six weeks is nothing.

MrsWottinger · 18/04/2007 18:20

oh sorry, Aitch again.

Jossiejump · 18/04/2007 21:51

The thing to remember about why it hurts just as much when you have already got a child is that you know what you are missing.
I have 2 x DS, then had 3 m/cs and am 8 weeks pg again, just because I've got two children alredy doesn't mean that any of the babies I lost wasn't wanted as much as the first one, or wouldn't have been loved as much as the others. So I think you have as much right to be as upset whether you've got a child pre-m/c or not!
Sorry to rant on!!

AitchTwoOh · 18/04/2007 22:30

i'm not saying that a child lost to someone already a mother is less wanted, not at all. but i just can't buy that it's the same. i can't. the idea that you know what you are missing because you have a child suggests that before becoming mothers we somehow don't know what we are missing, which is crazy. we see it, we feel it, we ache for our children and our desire to be mothers.

it simply must come as some comfort to cuddle your child as you grieve for another rather than sit petrified that you'll never have a child at all. people who don't already have children are often told to take comfort from material things. or to be grateful that they aren't dead. i had ectopic pregnancies, i was told that often.

still, i'm not really prepared to get into a 'my pain is bigger than your pain' thing. it's all pain at the end of the day. i'm not advocating 'you can have another' or 'at least you've got a child' as a kind thing to say when someone loses a pregnancy.

but before i had dd it used to piss me off royally when people would say 'it's the same' when they weren't being tortured by the thought that they might be childless forever. i just don't believe it is the same at all. of course i hope never to have to test this theory out but with just one fallopian tube and a history of ectopic pregnancies i may have to one day.

hester · 18/04/2007 22:40

I really agree with you, Aitch.

AitchTwoOh · 18/04/2007 22:59

oh and a zillion congratulations on your pregnancy jossie, here's hoping it's all very dull and boring for the next seven months.

willywonka · 19/04/2007 11:26

After my sb I certainly took comfort in knowing that, whatever else might happen, I did already have dd1 and also that I knew I could go full term. Can only imagine that such uncertainties in those without dc must compound the agony of the situation. However this does not mean that the pain of the immediate loss is any more or less (and I'm certainly not playing emotional Top Trumps).

AitchTwoOh · 19/04/2007 11:37

true, i'm not saying that the pain is less or more, really, because pain is pain and we can't experience it for other people. but i don't accept that the pain is the same, iykwim? there must be an extra twist of torture, i believe, if you are childless.

i hope you see what i mean, i'm absolutely not saying that people who have children already shouldn't feel desperate and awful after a miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

but i do remember feeling most irked that people who didn't know what it was like just assuming that there was an equivalency, when i was staring down a long dark tunnel of childlessness and they were kissing the tops of their toddlers' heads for comfort.

and i've got to say that the thing about 'knowing what you are missing' (which i was told) isn't hugely sensitive. imagine saying that to someone who'd had a hysterectomy without having children if you'd had one after your family? you'd both have every right to be upset but to say that it's the same just can't be correct.

RubyRioja · 19/04/2007 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AitchTwoOh · 19/04/2007 11:57

well i don't know... i did think of that as something of a positive, tbh (although hilariously as they kept getting stuck in my tubes it was something of a moot point unless i could take them out and grow them in a cardboard box).

there's not much right you can say really. hayls is right, a wee kiss and a hug and an 'i'm gutted for you' is the best thing imo.

Original poster

Hayls · 19/04/2007 11:57

Ruby, I wouldn't worry about that. I have been told that as well (i had endo, 2 ops to remove it and thought I couldn't conceive) and it was actually something I thought about myself in a positive way. I don't think people are offended as such by comments but would just rather not hear them iyswim- comments might not help but don't do any real damage imo. I wasn't hurt by any comments, just a bit p-d off at their insensitivity

In fact, they could actually be useful in giving a valid excuse for ranting and releasing pent-up frustration and anger

OP posts:

Original poster

Hayls · 19/04/2007 11:58

Great minds, Aitch!

OP posts:

AitchTwoOh · 19/04/2007 12:05

hayls. [wee kiss] [hug] [gutted]

trace2 · 19/04/2007 12:07

hayls so sorry no idea you had mc, was thinking og you, ((hugs))

superloopy · 19/04/2007 12:12

I too had a lot of these comments after my MC last Oct. I know that the people who were saying them were trying to find something nice/helpful to say.

What I found the most hurtful were the people who said nothing to me. This is all of my DH family. My MIL told everyone to not say anything to us and they obeyed her. I only found this out a few months after the fact and was really upset.

I had spent 2 nights in hospital with serious blood loss, had emergency surgery almost needed a transfusion. If anything a simple 'Are you alright?' would have been enough.

On a happier note, I am 8 wks pregnant now and have my fingers and toes crossed....

berolina · 19/04/2007 12:20

I mc once before having ds and twice after. I think I agree with Aitch. All my mcs were hard in different ways, but there was a distinct added edge to the pain of the first one (despite it being the physically least traumatic), or rather the edge was softened in the second two by the fact I had ds. I think the second one was the worst in terms of impact, because I naively thought I'd had my share of bad luck in that department (ha) and was really not expecting it at all, but ds was really a very great comfort. The third was only 2 months after the second and had a grim groundhog day-ishness to it, but that did blunt the pain somehow.

What was very unhelpfl after the third one was the question 'have you thought about having tests?' Definitely well meant - trying to show me a potential option, I suppose - but what people who said that didn't know was that I had discussed things with my doctor and looked at the course of all 3 mcs and as they were wildly different had come very much to the conclusion that I had just had terribly bad luck and no underlying problem. Being asked about tests made me feel sort of pre-defined as a recurrent miscarrier and bit into my conviction that it was 'just' bad luck, which I did rather cling to at the time (and which appears to have been correct, as I'm 19 weeks pg again now ).

willywonka · 19/04/2007 12:25

Congrats superloopy & berolina .

willywonka · 19/04/2007 12:29

...and and best wishes to all those who are or who will be ttc again in future following similar losses

Megglevache · 19/04/2007 12:34

Message withdrawn

willywonka · 19/04/2007 12:37

at MIL, megglevache!!

Original poster

Hayls · 19/04/2007 17:12

Cheers Aitch, just what I needed!
megglevache, I can't believe anybody could be so callous. It puts dh's relative's comment 'sorry for your little disappointment' into perspective slightly! Yes, it wasn't emotionally and physically destroying, just a little disappointment

Despite all this, I am actually dealing with everything OK (believe it or not!) I;m going to see the specialist in 2 weeks (not because of recurrent mc but because I'm still getting cramps, period still hasn't returned and they're going to scan to make sure everything is complete...yes 8 over 8 weeks later!)so once that is all over we'll have the ttc conversation again.

Thanks Trace, trust you're ok?

OP posts:

jellybeans · 20/04/2007 21:39

Hi I sadly lost 3 precious babies at 11wks, 20 wks and 23 wks. One being my first. I have also had 3 pg's resulting in 4 living children in between. It does upset me when people say, 'at least you have your other children,' YES I agree I feel I can go on due to them but also I see what I am missing and feel a big gap. If you had 3 brothers and lost one, you wouldn't say 'ah well you have the other two so it's easier'... I also get 'well they would have been disabled' or 'well it would have been hard work.' WHY must they say anything!

Nicola63 · 02/05/2007 10:39

I have had 3 m/c's. In the last one, after the scan that confirmed there was no heartbeat, when I wasa very distressed, a nurse said to me "never mind, you are young, you can always try again". This upset me hugely: I am not young, I'm 43, so this is the huge issue in decisions about whether or not to try again. I know she meant well, but this comment really hit on a nerve. Sometimes I just wish people would think about the meaning of their comments before opening their mouths.

poppy34 · 05/05/2007 19:27

Nicola63 - my heart goes out to you - just found out at 20 week scan (after 2 previous m/c) that the baby has such huge defects not going to survive (so another m/c I suppose).

Worst thing I suppose is I'm sure it'll be ok next time -its just bad luck. I know its well meant but it doesnt make me feel any better or less scared of trying again.

scrapper · 07/05/2007 19:43

Poppy34 - So sorry to hear this. How are you doing?

My best friend and I were pregnant at the same time. I mc at 12 weeks. When I went to visit her in hospital after she had given birth, she told me how lucky I was not to have had to go through childbirth. Certainly didn't feel very lucky.

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