There are up days and down days. But today is definitely not an up one.
Almost 6 weeks passed since I found out my little raspberry's heart had stopped beating. It makes it all harder since we still have the video of the scan screen showing how tiny you are with a strong pumping heart at 8 weeks.
I went through different stages of grieve.
First stage was angry and felt that the most previous thing I had just got robbed from me.
Then I moved on to self-blame for all the negative thoughts I had when we found out about you (that the baby will be a compromise to the lifestyle etc, like any of that trivial crap is important).
I cried when the EPU scanned and confirmed it was all clear, I cried when my pregnancy test confirmed negative, my heart twisted a notch when I see other families with babies or healthy happy pregnant ladies. I cried thinking about what I have just lost.
Next I just felt hollow, there's a hole / an empty space inside my heart, I wanted to be pregnant again asap, I want to feel hopeful again.
I went back to work and seemingly returned to my bubbly self. The more pain I feel, the more I will pull a strong face to hide it. And then I cry at home while I'm alone or with DH.
And lately, I grow this hatred of all who dare to open the mouth and ask me when will I have a baby. Fucking morons! Put your fucking nose out of my business, do you know how much heartache I'm going through?! Like you even care other than just to have some piece of gossip.
At this stage given our situation, I will have wait until mid next year to TTC to ensure the best possible health condition for the pregnancy. Until then, there will be up days and down days, good days and bad days. And today, I just need a big cry, some comforting from the DH and I will try my very best to put on a brave face comes tomorrow.