How to support a close friend through miscarriage

[MOB247]

Hi,

My very close friend has had a mmc when she went for her scan today.

I'm devastated for her. We were TTC buddies and I found out last week that I was pregnant - she doesn't know this yet as I wanted to tell her in person.

I really want to be as sensitive as I can be - any advice on how I should handle it?Wait a few weeks before breaking my news?Also would it be appropriate to send her a card or something? I really feel for her but don't live nearby so can't just pop in.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcome .

I would wait a few weeks, she's going to feel very raw and hormonal for a while.

When you do tell her, I would do it in writing, either a card or email. Face to face puts a lot of pressure on her to put on a happy face, and by phone is also tricky.

I struggled to conceive for many years and have also had two mmcs and, whilst I was (mostly) happy for my friends when they conceived, I was also bitterly, bitterly disappointed and sad for myself. I actually had friends I avoided for their entire pregnancies because it was just too hard.

Whether you write or see her in person is your choice. Personally I think it could mean more to her in the future if you see her in person, but everyone is different.

I have one friend who told me over WhatsApp that she was pregnant (this was before my MC but she knew I'd been TTC for a long time). We don't live close but used to FaceTime every single week. I now haven't spoken to her in over 6 months and she hasn't contacted me either. It's just very awkward and all I feel is bitterness. But, I also have a friend who insisted on seeing me in person and although I didn't want to see her at the time, we actually had an open and honest conversation. We cried together and she apologised for having a baby - which isn't her fault obviously, but it meant so much to know that she understood how I was feeling. I still find it hard being around her but our relationship is in a lot better place because we were open and frank with one another.

I'd be aware that she may put a brave face on and say she's happy for you, and then you might not see or hear from her for a while.
I agree, you should wait a few weeks. I would be as honest as possible even if it is awkward and difficult. I'd address the fact that you understand if she'd prefer to keep her distance.

Few things not to do: I wouldn't mention too much about your pregnancy or the baby. Either make the conversation about her or about neutral topics. Don't say things like 'it'll happen for you' or 'your time will come' or 'you can try again' or 'you'll make a great mum some day'. Instead, what could really help is that you ask how she's feeling, how is she doing physically, what is the next step (MC often isn't just a one time event ...theres often other things that go with it, further scans, follow up appointments etc). Ask does she need anything, tell her that you're sorry she's had to go though this and that you can't even begin to imagine how she's feeling. Tell her that she can talk to you anytime and that you're here for her.

I think that's all you can do. The fact that you're on here looking for advice already shows that you're a good friend. Its a difficult situation for you both x