Still grieving ... years on

[TigerLily666]

need to post tonight simply because I'm so upset and have tried to talk to my DH but he is not listening / doesn't know what to say. Background is that I had recurrent miscarriages (3) and it wasn't always easy for me to conceive until I finally was lucky enough to have DS. All the losses were traumatic in different ways and although I generally have learned to accept the grief I am struggling a bit tonight.

A lot of my friends have moved on to their 2nd babies and a very close friend has just had her second boy. And this is bringing up a lot of grief for me about why I had to endure so many losses and other people just successful conceive / have babies without having any issues. I am too old now to have any more children and I feel v guilty that DS will be an only child. It hurts that if I hadn't lost so many previous babies I would've had time to have had more than one potentially. And then I start thinking of the babies I lost (one was a later miscarriage) that always upsets me - even now.

It's approaching the anniversary of the date I discovered that my first baby didn't have a heartbeat but because of possible issues re dates had to wait 2 weeks for second scan to confirm (I ended up miscarrying the day before the second scan). And today a friend was telling me about her first scan (first baby) and it brought back so many memories of my 3rd miscarriage that I've been struggling a bit to deal.

So tonight I am very sad. And thinking about my lost babies and unable to talk to my husband who has a stock line that we should be lucky that we have DS (and I am v v grateful) BUT it doesn't help me stop missing my other babies, or their lost potential, or stop feeling jealous or feeling angry that we've had so much grief and trauma in our lives.

Anyway thanks for listening - it helps to vent

Each potential baby is missed. I am lucky in that I only had one early mc, but I still think of that pregnancy, grieve for the loss, particularly near the due date or the time of year of the MC. This is in spite of the baby I was again lucky enough to have afterwards. Another pregnancy, another baby doesn't remove the loss, although I am utterly grateful for the children I have. . I am sure your dh understands but shows his feelings differently. You have every right to grieve, but it is also important for your ds that you do your best to enjoy the wonderful family you do have.
Have you had any counselling at all? Talking about it all with a third party may help to put some of your feelings to rest.

Yeah I had counselling. It found it to be pretty useless. I tried a couple of different approaches / styles but found it a bit patronising and obvious. Grief is grief and mostly it is OK, but sometimes its not. I found more comfort in trying to look after myself / starting new activities. But that's just me

Lots of love to you . I've had one first trimester loss two years ago and I still cry about it even though I now have a 12 week old daughter x

Today is 1 year since the first of three MC. I've had a good cry. I think it's completely normal to grieve for what we've lost, you lose more than you think at the time. Hope, dreams and innocence. It's heart breaking.