So lonely and hurting

[Hansolosyoyo]

It was still very early in the pregnancy but the grief I'm experiencing is for the lost future and the hope we had for our second child. It's for the vision of the cute toddler who's just learned to walk and talk, it's for baby cuddles and the first day of school, it's for not being able to see a big sister's face upon first meeting their sibling.

I lie here contracting just like I did with my first and only child, only this time there is no happy ending. The timing couldn't be worse for me - I've an important application to get done in a week and so much work still to do for it but I just don't feel like I want to. I can't stop crying long enough to be able to.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My oh isn't the greatest communicator & my mum went home this morning 4 hours away after looking after my child for the weekend.

I'm scared of passing what was essentially only a cluster of cells, a life that didn't get so far as to have a heartbeat. That should make me feel better apparently but it just makes me feel worse, like it wasn't even given a chance. I want it to hurry up and end and I want it to never end.

I just don't know why I'm doing all I do know is that I'm having a miscarriage right now and I feel so lonely.

[redstrawberries101]

Thank you for taking the time out to post all that. Agree with you all the way. It is a new 'normality' and perhaps part of me does feel that it will be forgotten if i get back to work etc. I'm meant to be going back to work on Thursday. At the moment my routine is totally mixed up and I'm
Not sleeping through at night but then napping during the day so I need to work on that.

I do hope you manage to reconnect with your faith at some point, or just find comfort in your life without faith.

My mil is really quite unwell. My DH and I actually live with her and during the night she was taken into hospital. I just had to face my sil who hasn't acknowledged my infection/Hosp stay/ miscarriage. She asked me how I was but I just replied I'm fine. Then she tried to make convo by asking if I wanted a baked potato and again I just politely declined no, I've got my dinner now thanks. Then she tried to ask how my family were but I again just said they are fine. She will have got the message that I'm not happy with her. I couldn't bring myself to be warmer. She saw DH a couple days ago for the first time since, and didn't mention a single word to him let alone ask how I was doing. I'm so angry right now.

[spilttheteaagain]

See how you are doing in the next couple of days, but please don't force yourself into work if it's too much. You will know whether or not that is the case, and it is ok to go in once and find you aren't ready. You should have no issue getting a GP to sign you off a bit longer if you are physically not up to (sleeping etc) or emotionally feeling too fragile. On the other hand it may be that work is helpful as a structure/distraction etc. There's no right or wrong, look after yourself.

It all sounds very difficult with your MIL so ill. Have you been rushing into hospital with her too? Your SIL sounds like she has the hide of a rhino. Can't believe she's had all these opportunities to acknowledge what you've been through and has still not done so. Some people are just utterly bloody useless at comprehending pregnancy loss. Is she usually like this? It couldn't just be that she's in a state about her mother or anything? I'm so sorry you feel so let down by her, it's horrible when people don't come through for you when you need it.

I hit the It's Not Fair stage very thoroughly last night. I should be 15/16 weeks now, nearly half way, getting close to finding out boy/girl etc, feeling lots more movement (I had just started to feel the baby fluttering before we had the TFMR). I just feel so cheated, and so horrified and appalled that we are here again with another baby to grieve for. It is NOT FAIR and I don't want this!

[redstrawberries101]

:( I keep looking at the July 2016 thread as I was posting on there since I got my BFP. Got to know some people and they have been posting pics up of their bumps last few days. I don't have to look at the thread but can't help myself. I'm so happy for them all, some have had miscarriages and this is their next pregnancy etc. Some are young like me and it's their first so everything is new and some are experienced mums just looking to give their kids a sibling.

It's funny all the emotions we go through isn't it. Must have felt every emotion under the sun.

I will take your advice about going back to work - I really hope I am feeling ok by then as I do want to get some routine back. I had a terrible sleep last night, partly because I was overtired and my legs were aching (I suffer from restless leg syndrome and they get like that). Eventually managed to drop off but was in and out of sleep. Forcing myself to get up now to have some breakfast and then I'll put some more pretty little liars on and chill until DH gets in.

I haven't been to the Hosp to see mil no, DH has been with her a lot and went in when the ambulance came etc and his sisters are all around as well. They (his sisters) get a bit para and want someone to be at the Hosp at all times but I just let them work it out and don't commit myself. I have done in the past when I've been feeling well but I get so run down quickly and shouldn't be in hospitals because of my spleen /picking up infections quickly so not always. I will prob pop along to see her for 10 mins, maybe tomorrow.

His sister is one of these people who thinks she is right always. She is very opinionated, even about things that do not concern her. I think she is quite jealous of me because amongst her other sisters she has always been top dog if you know what I mean. It's really petty actually. She isn't always mean , sometimes she is totally ok, more than ok, but it all depends on her mood and whether she wants to be ok. Other times she is rude, tries to put me down but I've just ignored it and given her the benefit of the doubt but this time there will be drastic change from me. I've really had enough. It's complicated by the fact that she is 44 and I'm 26. I suppose my confidence is still developing in the 'always want everyone to like me' area. I should mention DH is 28, he was just born late! I intend to make change with the way I deal with her and stick to it now. I was already thinking I would need to do this before the baby arrived as I didn't want her sticking her nose in constantly. Baby isn't coming now but this is a similar milestone. Everything she does is malicious and planned. I'm not her puppet that will dance to her tune. If I say yes yes and suck up to her for everything then she would be totally fine with me. But that's not life. Not my life anyway. Her siblings are partly scared of her too, so I think the correct term for someone like her is bully. I just need to work on not being scared of her and also not giving her the satisfaction. I just need to blank her and shrug her off. DH is also appalled. I have always told him examples but I think he still did think I was misunderstanding her but this situation has made him realise.
E.g. Since I've been married I've always made effort to get all his sisters and their kids decent bday presents (DH never bothered giving them presents before as he was young and they always just spoilt him) and we have gone over to give them /if not made it on the day, then we have phoned or text etc and visited ASAP. My birthday comes and she isn't in touch, 3 weeks later turns up primarily to visit her mum and repeatedly says to her 3 year old 'give auntie her present give auntie her present'. Gets to the point of embarrassing and I feel like saying sod the f-ing present lol. DH birthday 6 weeks after mine, she sends two birthday cards in the post to make sure he gets at least one and get his present delivered on the day if she can't make it. Similarly does the same with her other siblings. Is she psycho or what? This hasn't happened once, but for about 3 years now. When she clearly knows her present comes from my time /energy choosing it otherwise her bro wouldn't give a toss. I should mention the last present she gave me was a £6 thorntons box whereas I spend near enough £50 on their presents. Her present to my DH is closer to the £50 mark. His other sisters are much nicer compared to this! I could talk till the cows came home but you don't want to hear it all lol. Last example, when I had my major surgery I was really quite I'll obviously. I came back home but felt I needed to be looked after by my mum and after 6 months at home of getting nowhere i decided to move back to my mums until I was better. I was there 8 months and this particular sister did not call,text, nothing to see how I was. She thought I should've stayed home with DH and her mum. I really should've seen her reaction to the urinary sepsis/miscarriage coming.

[spilttheteaagain]

God she sounds like a right piece of work - would not be out of place in some of the AIBU threads about difficult family who have no qualms about making their unwelcoming feelings towards you known. Sounds like she thinks in terms of family hierarchy, ie. who is closest etc, and being non blood relative you are being made to feel it. I'm so glad your DH has finally cottoned on, you need to show a united front in how you deal with her or ignore her provocation. I don't envy you trying to reach some kind of acceptable dynamic. I think emotionally distancing yourselves is probably necessary to stop her hurting you so much. Tell DH to do his own family's presents, I would!

Yep, also torturing myself slightly by following the homebirth thread in AIBU at the moment - partly because I find the debate and information fascinating and partly because I want to hang around in the pregnancy world still, I don't want to believe it is over. I didn't bother with the antenatal threads this time, but I did the first time, and like you I hung around posting and reading even after my loss and it's like some weird form of self inflicted pain isn't it. It hurts and makes you feel like shit but you can't help gravitating back either.

I'm so fed up of it all. I had another few hours of cramping today and passed a few more clots on the loo. It's so exhausting and draining and I am sick of it all hanging over me still, just fecking finish will you body! I keep swinging straight from anger to crying. It hurts. In every way.

[redstrawberries101]

Same here, I'm sick of wearing sanitary towels and every time I think the bleeding has finished , I get some more! The cramps have pretty much gone now. Hopefully all be over in a day or two. And then I will maybe take a test to be sure.

Yeah she is a piece of work,DH can see it now though so it makes it a lot easier. For her next birthday I'm just not going to bother. DH can tell his mum to give money in a card or something.

Trying my best to not nap in the day and also get out of bed every couple hours to try build some strength up.

[spilttheteaagain]

I feel dirty all the time with the towels and slightly smeary undercarriage. Showering twice a day but I hate the feeling. Fingers crossed we are both finished soon. I did a test this morning, it's still +ve but really really faint now so definitely headed the right way. It's such a muddle of emotions. I was desperate to still see a hint of line, I can't believe it's nearly all over, I know it needs to be, but the irrational part is still clinging on to the last link. I feel so empty.

Sounds like a good plan re your SIL.

I wish I could nap, it might help, but I never seem to manage it. Pottering around doing housework and generally avoiding people. Oh and writing massive emails to all and sundry about it all. It's cathartic to keep writing though goodness knows if they want to hear it! It's so all consuming isn't it.

Hope you feel a bit stronger today.

[redstrawberries101]

I'm not really bleeding now it's more of a bloody discharge if that makes sense? And tmi!

Went to sleep at 1.30am so my sleep routine is all messed up, I've got some night nurse to take tonight at 8pm and hopefully I'll just get a decent sleep and wake refreshed tomorrow. Work on Thursday so really have to pull myself together.

Have you any plans for today? Going to try visit mil. She is in high dependancy now but seems to be better. I've not been outside in the last two weeks apart from Appts and the day I left mums to come home.

[spilttheteaagain]

I don't really think there's such a thing as tmi on the miscarriage boards

Hope your MIL appreciated the visit though I expect it will tire you out a lot.

Today I've had to take the cat in to the vets early, he's having an op to remove the rest of his teeth poor sod, and then school run. I've done some hoovering and laundry. Identified the upstairs loo inlet (thank god not the sewage!) is leaking so much that water is dripping off of the kitchen ceiling so I've got a bowl under it, and closed the isolation valve to the loo and flushed to empty the cistern so there isn't water above the leak now, and the irritating dripping has largely stopped. DH will have to figure out a fix this evening!

Mainly now I have been reading my book and emailing and faffing on MN and facebook. Got to go pick up DD soon and the cat when they call me.

I've, possibly foolishly, watched call the midwife too which was pretty tough content wise. They had a mother deliver a baby with huge deformities, and the midwives whisked the child away and didn't tell her what had happened. They expected the baby to die overnight and I felt so sick and wanted to scream at the TV. Obviously they thought they were protecting her but I wanted to smack them and tell them they were stealing from her the time with her child that might be very short. I couldn't help but think that that could so easily have been me just those few years ago. Without scans etc the anencephaly would not have been detected until birth, and I would have delivered my baby with all the massive problems it had, and had had since 5 -6 weeks pregnant, and the baby would have been hidden from me for the few hours it lived, if it had survived the delivery. They would have thought it better I didn't see and get upset. I ached to cuddle that poor little baby that was being kept from her mum. If I only had a few hours to live I would want to spend them in my mother's arms, and if my baby was broken and dying damn right I would need to hold them. The episode actually took a different turn after that but it affected me a lot.

Having a tired day. I think it will be bolognaise from the freezer tonight, I can't be arsed.

[spilttheteaagain]

OP if you're around, I just wanted to say I've been thinking of you and hope the bleeding etc is coming to an end without complications like infection etc. Sorry Mel and I seem to have hijacked your thread but please do come back if you want to talk!

[redstrawberries101]

We have indeed hijacked the thread... I find it really helpful to talk and just post on here the things I am feeling at that point in time.

Sorry to hear about your cat and leaking toilet issues! I've been up for last couple of hours and been pottering about tidying up. Not been to the Hosp yet. I could do with a shower but think I'll hang on so I can stay in pjs just yet and get dressed after shower/just before Hosp. Done odd jobs like ordering ink for printer etc. Think I'll have a rest now. House to myself. Poor DH had an interview this morning, it was originally meant to be 6th Jan which was my 12 week scan so we moved the scan to 8th Jan. Funny I remember him saying it would be a big week for us, scan and potentially new job. Little did we know that the week would begin with a scan for my kidneys at 9am on Monday 4th where we learned the baby had died. Miscarriage by medical management on Tuesday and he was no way prepped for the interview/ mentally ready so he pushed it out. And then mil goes into Hosp but he still went ahead this morning and said it went ok.

Lie down time now.

[spilttheteaagain]

Likewise so thank you for listening!

I'm glad your DH's interview has gone well, nerve wracking things. Fingers crossed he gets it. Poignant for you too given when it was supposed to happen and all that then did unfold instead. Sickening isn't it.

If you feel up to it I wonder if getting outside for a short walk might help you sleep later tonight? I find the fresh air and natural light can be helpful.

[redstrawberries101]

Yes ! Hopefully get a little walk when I go to the hospital. DH going to pick me up at 6pm.

Today has been the most 'normal' day I've had since the miscarriage. Hopefully onwards and upwards but I'm expecting some hiccups along the way. Glad I got a few admin type things done.

[spilttheteaagain]

Silly little things today. The flowers people sent me when we lost the baby have died and been chucked out.

How are you doing this morning? A better night?

[spilttheteaagain]

They do indeed. I feel sad when I see DD playing by herself all the time, and then when she very lovingly chooses/helps arrange flowers for her sister's grave, and I think how this is the closest she gets to playing with a sibling. I had a very close relationship with my sister and I'm sad that she's not experienced that. If we ever do have another baby it will be a nearly 6 year age gap assuming all goes well, could be more. It would be a different sort of bond, not so much the playing together, growing together one that I had.

Digestive issues are no fun. I hope the discomfort eases soon. I have IBS so I do sympathise.

As I said before, don't feel obliged/pressured with work (assuming finances aren't a disaster!). To be honest it does sound like physically you would benefit from a bit more recuperation time, to rest, get a bit more strength up with small amounts of physical activity, get gently back to your normal eating and sleeping patterns. I would seriously think about taking a bit longer. It really is incredibly tiring isn't it? Supermarket trip sounds like a good idea. Wrap up warm it's freezing out, my car was thoroughly iced this morning!

No specific plans but I am trying to get back on top of things a bit - I've been to the vets to pick up more meds for the cat, been shopping and come home and done laundry, bins, recycling, cleaned the bathroom and hoovered up all the dirt/crumbs we seem to have covered the place in since I did it yesterday. Honestly, pre children I hoovered every 1-2 weeks. Now I have to do downstairs daily at a minimum, it's incredible.

Not sure what to do now tbh, I feel a bit lost. There are jobs I am supposed to be doing like wallpaper stripping and sealant in the shower and stuff but I don't feel very motivated. Everything seems like the most tremendous effort.

Tomorrow I start counselling again and I'm a bit nervous. I know it will help, but it's always hard to start, and knackering to do. It's also a fair old drive into a city I don't know well so that stresses me out too - not a very confident driver in busy unfamiliar places.

[spilttheteaagain]

Agh, browsing MN and seen thread on the Radfords expecting their 19th. I have to admit I find the dynamics of a huge family fascinating and I do love watching their programmes, but I followed the thread link to the article and it showed smiling happy faces clutching a 12 week scan photo. And my heart broke a little bit more. Their baby looks perfect, all it's brain & skull in situ and I can't help but be struck by the difference compared to my poor little mite.

[spilttheteaagain]

Arse and bollocks. Another sodding whoomph of clots and stuff. Bugger off now will you, you must be finished in there! Cramping gently again. Getting very pissed off now.

[spilttheteaagain]

Ouch that's hard about your friend. Not her fault obviously but hard to hear nonetheless. I went through phases of categorising people in my head as those who "deserved" a baby (i.e. had been through loss) and those who "didn't" (i.e. were jammy buggers so far and I was madly jealous - obv I wanted them to have a healthy baby but I was so envious that they hadn't felt my pain). It wasn't pretty but I couldn't help it, and I kept it to myself. Hoping I don't have that sort of visceral reaction again. Mercifully most of my friends have had their seconds (and most plan to stop there) and those little ones are only about 12-18 months so I don't think there's a huge risk of new bumps just at the moment. Hopefully she will be sensitive when you see her and not just gush about the exciting pregnancy.

I had my first counselling session this morning which was helpful. Exhausting and headache inducing, I think it's all the pick pick picking you end up doing, sort of at a wound that is so tiring and my brain shooting off in a million directions, but it was really helpful to just have the space to talk and offload about it all. Sadly another little bout of clots & cramps, must be nearly there now surely!

I've managed quite a bit of walking today which has got to be good.

I hope you're feeling stronger again and all the best for work tomorrow.

[spilttheteaagain]

Good luck today Mel, hope they are good to you x

[redstrawberries101]

Thanks! Really struggling to get up.. Wish I just enjoyed a few more days in bed lol

[spilttheteaagain]

Maybe "enjoyed" is the wrong word in the circumstances, but I know what you mean! Hope the routine is helpful. Look after yourself, I expect you'll be drained later.

[redstrawberries101]

Totally the wrong word but yes..

At work now and everyone has been so kind. It's actually making me emotional. Only my direct manager knows of the miscarriage, the others just know I was unwell and in hospital. They've given me an easy day task wise so that's really helping. I'm taking one minute at a time. I went through 2000 emails (a lot of them junk) and came across the charity committee. I remembered I didn't volunteer because I thought I'd have a big bump. I also booked a few extra holidays so that I could rest during the pregnancy. Next time I'm not going to tell a soul nor do any planning.

[redstrawberries101]

I take that back. I'll tell you (if you still want to stay in touch) but not anyone in real life. I'm not going to get my brain all geared up, i would rather be in denial. I'm not even sure I'll tell DH straight away. I prob won't take a test until I'm sure it's not just a late period.