So lonely and hurting

[Hansolosyoyo]

It was still very early in the pregnancy but the grief I'm experiencing is for the lost future and the hope we had for our second child. It's for the vision of the cute toddler who's just learned to walk and talk, it's for baby cuddles and the first day of school, it's for not being able to see a big sister's face upon first meeting their sibling.

I lie here contracting just like I did with my first and only child, only this time there is no happy ending. The timing couldn't be worse for me - I've an important application to get done in a week and so much work still to do for it but I just don't feel like I want to. I can't stop crying long enough to be able to.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My oh isn't the greatest communicator & my mum went home this morning 4 hours away after looking after my child for the weekend.

I'm scared of passing what was essentially only a cluster of cells, a life that didn't get so far as to have a heartbeat. That should make me feel better apparently but it just makes me feel worse, like it wasn't even given a chance. I want it to hurry up and end and I want it to never end.

I just don't know why I'm doing all I do know is that I'm having a miscarriage right now and I feel so lonely.

[spilttheteaagain]

They said to me it could be 4-6 weeks for the hormones to totally go down in terms of getting a negative test, basically up until your period as sometimes some of the tissue comes away with the next period, which can be heavier than normal. I'm taking a ton of supplements at the moment to try and get physically improved asap, iron, folic acid, vitamin C and a strong B complex are the major ones I've got in higher doses, but also taking D3, K2, zinc, magnesium and a decent fish oil. DH teases me about being a pill junkie. If the nutritionist has any specific recommendations you don't mind sharing I'd be interested. I think Evening Primrose oil is supposed to be good for regulating cycles and easing PMT etc.

[spilttheteaagain]

No idea if we'll TTC again though. This pregnancy was one hell of a shock - conceived on the pill, despite irregular periods for a few reasons, and rare sex. No idea how that happened tbh! We came round to it pretty quickly, but I'm not sure if we'll get brave enough to try again, loss is just so hard.

[redstrawberries101]

It is very hard your right. Today I'm thinking I'll need a few months at least to feel ready. I'm not going to pressure myself. As silly as it sounds though, I hate to think that the people who know about the miscarriage will be wondering if we are trying again and noting the time it takes us to get pregnant. So if I take 6 months off for example. I don't know why that bothers me??? Pathetic I know.

Nutritionist said to carry on with the stuff I had pre pregnancy.
Magnesium, fish oils, iron, adrenal extra (as I was feeling exhausted at times), vitamin c and d, iodine (helps balance thyroid - our diets are very deficient in this). Spirilina (which is wonderful for gentle detox). Also recommended flower formulas - I have one from
Diana mossop (you could google / YouTube her) I started taking 'spiritual calm' in the pregnancy as its meant to address deep emotional issues and help you relax. I'll let you know if I remember anything else.

[redstrawberries101]

It is very hard your right. Today I'm thinking I'll need a few months at least to feel ready. I'm not going to pressure myself. As silly as it sounds though, I hate to think that the people who know about the miscarriage will be wondering if we are trying again and noting the time it takes us to get pregnant. So if I take 6 months off for example. I don't know why that bothers me??? Pathetic I know.

Nutritionist said to carry on with the stuff I had pre pregnancy.
Magnesium, fish oils, iron, adrenal extra (as I was feeling exhausted at times), vitamin c and d, iodine (helps balance thyroid - our diets are very deficient in this). Spirilina (which is wonderful for gentle detox). I also take a good couple of probiotics as I used to suffer from
Thrush (the docs never managed to address this fully for over a year and it's why I started seeing the nutritionist. It's much much better now and very occasional when I have a UTI). I also take something called D Mannose which helps minimise UTI's. Also recommended flower formulas - I have one from Diana mossop (you could google / YouTube her) I started taking 'spiritual calm' in the pregnancy as its meant to address deep emotional issues and help you relax. I'll let you know if I remember anything else. I know it sounds like an awful lot but I tend to build these up in my system and then just do a maintenance dose , sometimes a couple times a week rather than daily supplementation or just when I feel like I'm lacking in something again). Because of the miscarriage though I'll try and fit in all of it.

[redstrawberries101]

I also take Ultrameal by Nutri, it's a shake, you just mix a scoop with water or coconut milk , almond milk etc. You can add fruits. I just usually have with water though. It tastes nice and gives me energy. Again I dabble when I'm feeling run down. They have a few in their range, let me know if you want to hear more.

[spilttheteaagain]

Oh god I know what you mean about worrying about being "watched" after this. Do you have other children or did anyone know you were ttc/pregnant?

I have a 4.5 year old (DD2) so had kind of got past the point of "ooh when are you going to have another?" that sort of peters out by about 3.5 years and I had always maintained there would not be another so no one spotted my pregnancy this time.

I said we'd not have anymore children because of the horrible morning sickness I'd had when pregnant + the epic length labour, but the truth was after losing my first I was far far too scared to try again. I was a total mess when pregnant with DD2 (I conceived 6 weeks after my 20 week loss), anxiety totally out of control, suicidal thoughts in the early stages, I suspect PTSD following DD1.

I struggled through DD2's early years in a totally messed up state and only last year finally went to my GP and cried as I told him how hard everything was. He sent me for CBT to try and help the anxiety. It didn't. But I did find a charity who specialise in counselling people with maternity issues (MC, stillbirth, traumatic birth, infertility, neonatal death etc) and had some sessions with them that made a tremendous difference. I was only mentally coming out of the woods after that, hence the never again to babies, just didn't feel I could risk re entering that zone. Obviously that isn't stuff you generally want to share with some nosy bugger!

But now... I have quite freely shared about this loss, even though I never said about being pregnant, and now I guess they will wonder if now I'll try for another baby. I don't like the thought of speculation and wondering going on, or being watched, and people symptom spotting. I don't want to be forced to tell until I am ready. And IF we ttc, and are lucky enough to conceive and stay pregnant, I really don't want anyone assuming that that makes everything better, because I know from bitter experience that it doesn't. It is great of course, and a comfort, but you still carry the grief and the loss of that particular baby that didn't make it. They are still gone and that is still sad.

So no, I don't think you are pathetic to feel that! MC is so very painful and you feel vulnerable enough without feeling exposed, watched and gossiped over and wondered about.

[spilttheteaagain]

Sounds like you take similar supplements to me - I forgot probiotics, I take those too! I had a nasty bout of campylobacter last spring and that seriously upset my gut in a long lasting fashion, and exacerbated my IBS. Probiotics I think have helped, it's certainly improved a lot from 6 months ago. Infact the IBS itself disappeared whilst I was pregnant which almost made the nausea worth it. Sadly it is back now!

Iodine I avoid, I've got autoimmune thyroid disease (Hashimotos) where my immune system has attacked and pretty much knackered my thyroid function. I've certainly read stuff suggesting iodine is great for most people but for those with underactive thyroids it's counterproductive. I'm hazy on the details, but with that in mind I'm cautious. Is spirulina a seaweed?

[Loki17]

You both sound so good with your supplements! Im taking the ttc tablets left over from when I conceived and that is it. I had a 4 hour parents evening after school today. I gave over done it and I feel really weak and woozy. My pregnancy tests are almost negative now. I think dh and I might just not try but not prevent for a while. If it happens then it happens but if not then it doesn't. its more the actively trying that bothers me and I'm going to worry whether it happens in one month or one year.

[redstrawberries101]

Wow your post really hit home. It's lovely you have a daughter. Totally get what your saying about not making everything else better though.

This was our first. A lot of people were asking when we were going to have a baby. My mother in law especially was pressuring us. I'm glad I put my foot down and only agreed to TTC when I felt ready, given the health issues. When we got the BFP we did tell both mums straight away. Following the Hosp admission with the urinary sepsis and then miscarriage all my husbands family know (extended too) and mine also. Our close friends too. So in a way even if we did well to keep the pregnancy quiet everyone pretty muck knows now! It annoys me that they see me as the 'cancer survivor' who now had a miscarriage. I hate gossiping people.

On top of it all, I've just had a tiff with DH because one of his sisters who is a complete cow at the best of times has not bothered to get in touch. DH saw her yesterday and she didn't have any decency to acknowledge the miscarriage or my serious infection which is what took me to Hosp in the first place. I'm feeling so angry towards her. She had a baby at 40 when she had claimed that she would never have a baby because she didn't get along with her inlaws and didn't want the baby to look like them or see them at all etc (I'm now thinking that she had troubles but just didn't share this which is fine). I only found out when the baby was born. I found this quite hurtful as I've always wished her well and she seemed to have gone out of her way to keep it a secret from me. I still visited straight away and showed how happy I was for her etc. And now this. Total bitch. Cross with DH as he is such A softie and thinks there is no point saying anything and after his mum passes away, he just won't want anything to do with her. Not good enough in my opinion. I would rather address it and have a life long relationship. I would never cut my siblings off.

[spilttheteaagain]

Early night for you Loki! It is spectacularly tiring isn't it? I know just what you mean by weak and woozy, I think our bodies are so drained and working so hard to recover that taking it easy is essential more than desirable.

[spilttheteaagain]

God Mel you've been through a lot haven't you. Is the sepsis over? I'll admit I don't know much about it, but it sounds horrible.

I'm sorry your SIL didn't acknowledge your loss. It feels very dismissive and callous when people do that, and it is hard to repair relationships after people let you down when you need them. Sometimes I find you have to start the conversation, mention your miscarriage and see what happens. People have this strange idea that by not mentioning it they avoid upsetting us.... as if we might have "forgotten" and not want to be reminded. It used to incense me. I was thinking and hurting every waking minute and was desperate to talk and have everything acknowledged, but people are scared of seeing your pain. It's awkward and embarrassing for them to be confronted by emotion. At least that's what I reckon it's often about! Usually they were ok to talk if I started it. I just would get so pissed off that I had to. Just a "I'm so sorry, and I have no idea what to say" would have meant so much.

[Loki17]

I've been so lucky with people's comments. Lots of my colleagues have gone out of their way to say little things like 'good to have you back' which has helped me immeasurably. The only person whom I was worried might say something like 'it's for the best' was mil who tends to say those types of things. Thankfully, she hasn't and she has been supportive. DH really isn't coping. He has reacted pretty strongly to the news that Alan Ri km an has died. Usually we have a 'that is sad' conversation but today he has had a rant about how shit it is. I think he is projecting. I just can't quite get my head around how awful the wider effects are.

[redstrawberries101]

We cross posted before, Spirilina is a Seaweed yeah.

I've always given the benefit of the doubt but not prepared to this time.

[redstrawberries101]

Rest up Loki. Definitely pamper yourself and have an early night if it's what your body needs. I think it's especially important to listen to our bodies just now.

Split the tea - shame about the campybolaxtor. Not heard about the thyroid disease you mention, I'll look it up as I find medicine and illness white fascinating. Often think that i would love to retrain in medicine.

[spilttheteaagain]

How is everyone today? I hope you all got some sleep. I had a horrible nightmare that it was DD we are burying today, not the baby. Woke up feeling sick, she was next to me sleeping so still and quietly, I was itching to poke her awake. She's up now and the horror is receding. Mentally preparing myself for a different kind of horror today.

[redstrawberries101]

Aw that's a horrid dream I hope you get through today ok. Where are you burying the baby? Thinking of you loads.

Had a rubbish sleep still in bed with aching body.

[spilttheteaagain]

It is done. The baby has been buried in the cemetery right next to DD1. We read some poems, the vicar said some prayers of commendation and blessing, we filled in the little hole on top of the tiny casket and we laid flowers on both graves and I stuck one of those butterflies on sticks into the ground. Then we went and had lunch in the pub. It is just really sad, such a waste.

I'm sorry you had an awful night. I often don't sleep well at the moment either, so much going on for our poor brains. Is the aching to do with the sepsis/illness or tension? Certainly I've got a lot of upper back & neck pain which is definitely stress related at the moment, my back is full of knots.

[redstrawberries101]

Such a waste indeed. We don't know why these things happen.. At least (don't mean to sound annoying) the baby is resting close to its sibling.

The sepsis is over now, I spent a week in hospital on IV antibiotics. They did tell me there was great risk to the baby's hearing so maybe that's why God removed the stress and worry for me. I can't imagine going through 9 months being extremely worried. Maybe that's why this wasn't meant to be. Ofcourse we would've loved the baby no matter what.

The achiness I think is a lack of sleep/ being run down. I'm trying to get myself a bit more active in the day so I sleep better at night. By more active I mean just doing a bit of pottering about. Not sure about going home today.. Still frosty with DH..

[spilttheteaagain]

No it's not annoying, it's one of the (small) comforts about the whole thing, that we can lay our babies together. It felt the right thing to do.

It's all so hard isn't it. I really felt for you reading about the worries over your baby's hearing. That must have been appallingly stressful whilst you were ill to be worrying about that too

I'm trying to make an effort to get outside for a couple of short walks a day in the hope it helps the nights. But it's hard when you feel so tired anyway. I hope your mum has been giving you lots of tlc. Sorry things are still difficult with DH.

[redstrawberries101]

Yes definitely the right thing to do. Even for the three days I had the antibiotics prior to knowing I had miscarried it was really tough and I kept wondering if it was the right thing to do. The doctors warned us of the hearing issue but said the risk was low compared to the alternative (leaving infection untreated and it resulting in it becoming overwhelming for me / body going into early labour.) And when we realised I had miscarried, they cranked up the dose of the antibiotic to blast it off properly. They said the dose I was having previously was only acting as a therapeutic dose and not actually killing the infection off. This makes me think that had I not miscarried, I might have needed the low dose more long term and the baby would've certainly been affected.

Do you believe in God if you don't mind me asking? I believe God took the issue out of my hands completely by making me miscarry. Next time hopefully I'll be able to start the pregnancy with a clean slate. This is helping me come to terms with it a bit better. The midwife also told me that when a baby dies at 9 weeks it's usually a fundamental problem such as a severe disability. She said the babies that go to full term with disabilities do not have them in such severity but for the body/ nature to expel the baby it must have been severe.

It's so hard trying to unravel everything in your head isn't it. You just have to try make sense of it somehow.

[spilttheteaagain]

That's a difficult balancing act re antibiotics and infection. My DD1 died because of infection, I got toxoplasmosis from god only knows where, and it's an awful thing to live with, knowing I somehow picked that up and it killed her. Pathology showed there was nothing wrong with her. It sounds like if you had not miscarried you could have been ill for a long time, which might have then had complications for you as well as the baby. I can understand feeling relief that in the end there were no choices/options to weigh up and worry about. In a way that is how we feel about this baby.

My 12 week scan this time showed severe abnormalities, which were then diagnosed by a fetal consultant as acrania/anencephaly - basically a severe neural tube defect where the back & top section of the skull and several brain cortexes do not form at all. It's incompatible with life, but unfortunately the baby wasn't going to die in pregnancy, it would die during delivery or in the first few hours of life of cardiorespiratory arrest, due to the lack of brain. We had to choose to terminate the pregnancy which was heartbreaking.

However, after the 12 week scan showed abnormalities, we had a 3 day wait to see the consultant and in that time we concluded that actually the best outcome was a black and white one - either that the first scan was cobblers and all was fine, or that the baby had zero chance of survival. What we dreaded most was being told the baby may live but there were problems and they couldn't give us a prognosis, and we would have to wait and have testing and worry, and ultimately make a really hard call one way or the other. At least with the diagnosis we don't need to torture ourselves wondering was it the right thing to do - there was no outcome other than a dead baby, all we could do was have a say in when, and try and spare our baby any pain or suffering in birth & death. I feel responsible, but not conflicted if that makes sense?

[redstrawberries101]

You have been through so much and it's unfortunate that both miscarriages are unrelated but traumatic in their own way. It's incredibly tough. Do you feel that your relationship with Your partner has improved? Going through so much together can be tough.

I came home this evening. I think i got into pushing DH away mode and am trying to recover. He is being kind saying he'll get me anything I need etc. I feel like coming home is a step towards normality and I've already had a cry when leaving parents and then when getting home. I have been dreading getting back to normal. I don't want to forget and I know I won't but it's a balance between that and being able to move on too. Nothing will be the same again. I sound like I'm being so dramatic. I think I mentioned the other night that my friend told me there only chance of kids is IVF. That broke my heart but more so I felt guilty. At least I know I can conceive now. It made me think instead of this wallowing in self pity I should put my energy into putting TTC again.

[spilttheteaagain]

Sorry I wasn't ignoring your question about faith - I had to go and put DD to bed and didn't get a chance later on to get back on the laptop. I used to have a very strong faith, very active part of a church etc, but losing DD1 turned my world upside down. I was so angry and so devastated and I couldn't reconcile my faith in the God I thought I knew with the loss I had experienced. Over the following 6-12 months we slowly left the church and our faith. Of course there are counter arguments, but emotionally it was too much for me. Over 5 years on and that still troubles me, but I haven't been able to make sense of it yet, I don't know if I ever will. So this new loss we've had to navigate alone, as it were, without prayer or faith or hope to support us. It's different. Easier in some ways as I can accept awful things happening in a godless world, it was awful things happening when I loved God and believed he loved me that I found so difficult and distressing. Don't know if that makes sense at all? Maybe one day something will click or heal, I do miss the conviction of faith and the community we were part of. I know for other people faith brings comfort and an ability to understand/accept/make peace with what has happened, I do hope it is that way for you.

In terms of my marriage, I think we've got closer through it all. I suppose I see it as something very personal and intimate that happened to our family, and there is no one else in the world who also lost those children. They are our children, and only we are their parents and that is special to me and unique to us.

I hope you and DH are able to comfort each other. It is hard. Everyone grieves differently and at different rates. It can be hurtful and lonely when your OH seems to be coping/resuming normal life quicker or more easily than you. How has the first day back together been? And how is your MIL?

I understand what you mean about fearing normality again. Does it feel like it would be "moving on" or leaving your baby behind? Do you have work to return to at some point? The rest of this is what I found after my first loss in terms of resuming normal life:
I found returning to work a very frightening pressure. I needed to give my time and my energy and my emotions to my grief and to processing the shock and the trauma, all in addition to physically building up my strength. This took everything I had every day for quite some time. I dreaded having to resume a normal routine because it felt like giving up on and leaving my baby. I felt like it told the world I was "over it" or ready to live again. I was none of those things. I was signed off work for 6 weeks, and then had a phased return. It was too soon and I had a kind of breakdown, suicidal thoughts etc, it was awful.

I think ultimately I have learnt that you do not get over losing a baby, you do though get used to it. Eventually it stops shocking you and the horror does recede I promise. The ache and the sadness is something that becomes a part of you and you will live and love and laugh again, but I come back often to the loss, I still grieve. I still grieve because I still love and she is still missing. It's a new normal. It changes you. You will never forget. When you say nothing will be the same again, I do not think you are being dramatic, I think you are right - that's pretty much what I'm trying to describe.

Don't beat yourself up about your grief versus your friends struggles to conceive. They are completely separate, and you should not feel guilty for grieving, you are not wallowing. You've been through something horrible, physically and emotionally and it is a trauma and you have every right to your feelings, they are totally valid. I hope in time you have the courage to TTC again but don't underestimate what you have been through, it is a lot xx

[spilttheteaagain]

Apologies for epic post!