It was still very early in the pregnancy but the grief I'm experiencing is for the lost future and the hope we had for our second child. It's for the vision of the cute toddler who's just learned to walk and talk, it's for baby cuddles and the first day of school, it's for not being able to see a big sister's face upon first meeting their sibling.
I lie here contracting just like I did with my first and only child, only this time there is no happy ending. The timing couldn't be worse for me - I've an important application to get done in a week and so much work still to do for it but I just don't feel like I want to. I can't stop crying long enough to be able to.
I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My oh isn't the greatest communicator & my mum went home this morning 4 hours away after looking after my child for the weekend.
I'm scared of passing what was essentially only a cluster of cells, a life that didn't get so far as to have a heartbeat. That should make me feel better apparently but it just makes me feel worse, like it wasn't even given a chance. I want it to hurry up and end and I want it to never end.
I just don't know why I'm doing all I do know is that I'm having a miscarriage right now and I feel so lonely.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
So lonely and hurting
Hansolosyoyo · 11/01/2016 12:20
Just checking my new username works, excuse the dud post, it's still me! I've never liked the old one and I've had it since 2009 
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Hi, yes I'm fine, sorry, just a bit tied up with stuff here and then shattered and having early nights.
You've really been through the mill haven't you. Pancreatic cancer I seem to recall is one of the really nasty ones which is often not detected until too late. Sounds like you did well to catch it at least, I can't imagine what a scary and horrible time that must have been. Do they feel confident it is dealt with?
That BFP is just amazing the first time isn't it?! Terrifying in a what-have-we-done sort of way and really really exciting, an amazing memory and a magical secret in those early days.
I know that too tired to go to bed feeling... I am rubbish at going to bed if DH isn't here to tell me to. If he goes out for the evening I sit around for far too long with a worsening headache and getting a bit queasy (which is how I experience really overtired) but the whole getting upstairs/changed/teeth etc etc seems like too much hard work so I put it off 
How's your MIL doing?
Have your pg tests gone -ve yet? I'm still bleeding/passing clots every day or two, can't believe it's dragging on so much. Popping iron pills and wondering about doubling my dose, I can't believe I haven't depleted myself quite thoroughly.
So tired.
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It'll be ok. Now DD is school age I have to stay here - family are all a distance away. My parents will come up for the day on Sunday. Otherwise we'll just be mainly the two of us which will be nice too in it's own way. On Saturday we are going to get the compost & seeds out and start sowing beans and tomatoes for the summer. She's been helping me plant seeds since she was 2, it's one of our special things 
He left at 5am, so we've been up since 4.45. I hoped she'd be up for going back to sleep for an hour or two but no such luck!! Whilst I cuddled her in bed and shut my eyes hoping to encourage some sleeping I got walloped in the eye the handcream which she "dropped" on my face... on the bright side if I get a black eye, DH can claim he'd left the country so it wasn't his fault! Got up and found cat sick all over DD's duvet which is grim. So I shall be picking that off shortly, when I can bear to!
Interesting what they said to you about the exhaustion. I have in general found GPs very uninterested in severe tiredness. Once you have a small child/are pregnant they tend to just go "yes well, it's normal to be tired when you are pregnant/have young children" and it has been a fight to get my thyroid problems and other vitamin deficiencies diagnosed and medicated. I do tend to feel now that I really have to psyche myself up for a doctors appointment, I'm not good at being assertive but it is a case of having to stand your ground and insist that things are not ok and you need to be checked properly please. Trouble is, when things are not ok you are usually to tired/run down/low to have much fight left!
Your poor DH, what a heartbreaking time for him and the rest of you. Thinking of you all. It may be that the miscarriage hits him later in a sort of delayed fashion. I hope you are feeling supported at the moment as well, it must be so difficult when there's the ongoing issues with you MIL to get time to reflect and talk about your loss too.
I'm sure you'll have a great time with your DD. she will be a good distraction but you'll also get a bit of 'me' time. Why don't you pamper yourself a bit with a face mask etc it's amazing how small things can make you feel so much better.
Shame about the cat sick!!
Had a rubbish day. The sisterinlaw I was telling you about had a barney with DH. He was so upset and in turn I just can't get over it. We shouldn't let her bother us like this but she does. She said lots of things, including that she will not apologise for not asking about the miscarriage. She said she feels it's very private. But after all the other things she said, it's clear that she didn't really care enough. I've been trying to get my head around it all day. It happened last night and so couldn't sleep for ages and today I've just had such a splitting headache. I wasn't present but overhead a few bits and bobs. She is such a psycho she has been fine with me this evening. A little bit dismissive initially but when I made a tiny effort to join in the convo with her and her sis, she was being totally fine. True psycho. Not getting sucked in but at the same time I want to rise above it.
Nothing else new to report. Just had some dinner and shower now and hopefully wind down for an early night. How it your sleep? Do you manage to sleep through? The other night I had a dream that we had a baby boy.
We're getting through really well. I have tackled both my freezers which were full up with god only knows what and in total chaos. One of them dropped frozen tubs etc on your feet/in your face when opened so those are rearranged, cleaned and organised, totally past it stuff is gone and I now have a list of all the weird bits that need working into meals...
I have wallpaper stripped the bedroom we are decorating.
I've cleaned all the house repeatedly it feels like, done mammoth amounts of laundry to get on top of it all, more vet trips (got car stuck in the mud there and had to be towed out! 
) , and then had to wash the car as it was plastered in mud.
And I've made an effort to engage with DD more and it has been lovely. What with morning sickness (ha, any time of day sickness!) and then the emotional & physical carnage since we lost the baby I'd fallen into the habit of lazy arse parenting, lots of screens, letting DH takeover all the time he was here and it's been lovely to play more again and we have done some crafts and had some walks and done some cooking together... and done ENDLESS playing schools with her 5 "babies" (dolls) which really does pall after a bit. The babies are naughty and hit each other/run away from school/wee on the sofa/vomit on each other and it all causes much hilarity but makes my job as "teacher" v frustrating!
I'm trying not to think about things too much, I want to maintain this even-ish keel until DH gets home. Our hospital appointment to go over the pathology from the placenta has come through now, thankfully for a time we can both go, and my parents will pick up DD from school that day. So maybe in a couple of weeks, if all the cultures behaved in the labs they can tell us the sex of the baby and whether it was chromosonally normal or not and if the placenta looked ok. Basically whether the anencephaly was the only bad luck or whether there were multiple factors at play. I am cramping again this morning. The bleeding had all but stopped over the last couple of days, was just brown streaks, but back to red again. 4 weeks & 1 day and counting. Sigh. Is yours finished?
Have you had any more dreams? They can be really real can't they. Very mixed emotions. Hope you're ok.
You're SIL sounds like a cow. "She said lots of things, including that she will not apologise for not asking about the miscarriage." My jaw fell open reading that. How you didn't thump her I don't know, what a heartless piece of cruelty. Saying she thinks it is private is a copout. If she felt that the way forward would be to say something vaguer like "sorry to hear your news, I'm thinking of you", even by email/card/text if she felt it was better. Just the total lack of acknowledgement is out of order. Well done for rising above it.
Oh how gutting for your DH 
Is it type 1 or 2? There's such a lot to take in when you get a diagnosis of a condition, and it sounds like it was a real shock to you both so doubly hard. Has much support/guidance/advice been given or put in place for him? The Michael Mosley webchat that was on here last week might be of interest.
I'm hoping you've had some extra sleep and a bit of rest over the weekend but fear not with all the family crises you are having, it sounds a nightmare. Are your grandparents likely to be discharged soon? And ugh to houseguests too, esp The Sil
No snow here, but yesterday was a gorgeous day, sunny and bright all day so we did a tour of the town's playparks and DD found a muddy puddle and lots of twigs for digging in and poking in it with so she was in heaven. Still got her dress in a bucket soaking from that We sowed a load of seeds (broad beans, tomatoes, peas, broccoli) ready for the summer, and have made a cake and just generally hung out having a nice time.
She's great, and actually it makes me think that yes, I think I do want to do this again. So, talks to be had with DH when he returns from India!
I'm feeling capable and on top of life at the moment which is a lovely feeling, and I love the idea of more buzz and busyness in the house, and feel like I could cope with the extra work it would entail. If we do go ahead and ttc and are lucky enough to have another baby I can see my frazzled self desperately eating those words for the next 4 years, I'm not totally deluded, I know what bloody hard work 0-4 years is! Just right now I feel a bit excited at the possibility which is slightly unnerving and a little out of character!
Hi there, I've been meaning to post for a while but thought it had been so long you had probably given up checking the thread!
Fine here, we're on half term at the moment so I've had DD all to myself, which has mainly involved a lot of mud. Her favourite thing in the world at the moment is a particular muddy puddle at the park and poking it with sticks and transferring the mud by stick to under the trampoline But it's been glorious sunshine (apart from yesterday) and lovely to be outside, and she's finally sussed her balance bike so is careering along like a mad thing and frankly hazardous to other people!
We had our consultant appointment last week and found out that the baby was a boy. That was a huge shock. Having had the 2 girls and having a family dominated by girls we were in "girl mindset" and it's a big surprise that we made a boy.
The second surprise was that the chromosone testing did reveal abnormalities - he had Edwards syndrome (Trisomy 18). It's one of the trisomies that can go to term but is usually not compatible with life. Basically Edwards causes huge structural problems with loads of organs, inc the heart and brain, sometimes things like fingers are fused, usually very small babies (IUGR), can have very tiny heads (microcephaly) etc etc. Usually what kills the babies are major heart abnormalities, and whilst they can be born alive it is far more common to lose them somewhere along the way. Babies with Edwards syndrome that are born alive have a very poor prognosis - 50% die within 2 weeks, most by a few months and it's basically unheard of for any to reach the age of 10. Those that do survive past a few months usually don't have full Edwards syndrome, rather something called mosaic Edwards syndrome which is not so immediately terminal.
The consultant was of the opinion that the neural tube defect that caused our baby's missing skull and brain was probably due to the Edwards syndrome, but they can't exclude the possibility that he had a neural tube defect AND Edwards, so I am to keep on with the 5mg/day folic acid.
In theory it's very unlikely to happen again, but in theory it's very unlikely to have a baby with trisomy at all at age 30. It correlates with maternal age basically.
Next time we will definitely be getting the private Harmony (NIPT) test to know for sure asap what is going on in there. It's scary because usually Edwards syndrome is identified later, at the 20 week scan, so in some ways we were lucky that the problems were so major and so clear so early - we could have been in for another devastating 20 week scan but in this case a late termination rather than a late missed miscarriage. I suspect had we carried on with the pregnancy we would have found at a later scan that there were lots of other problems with the baby too, not just (!) a lack of skull and brain. Poor little mite.
How are you? Hope the wedding was ok - so painful those "should have beens". Have you managed to find the oomph for job hunting? I hope everyone elses health crises have calmed down a bit and are at manageable levels! I think the blood test your DH was talking about is the Hba1c - my dad has those every 3 months, he's a type 2.
Take care of yourself, I worry that when your adrenaline finally pauses for breath you will be wrecked, you've had so much to deal with and barely time to absorb what has happened to you. Still here if talking helps. Did your AF reappear or not yet?
Had a "where babies come from" conversation with DD today prompted by her wanting to know why I wasn't taking my contraceptive!
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