So lonely and hurting

[Hansolosyoyo]

It was still very early in the pregnancy but the grief I'm experiencing is for the lost future and the hope we had for our second child. It's for the vision of the cute toddler who's just learned to walk and talk, it's for baby cuddles and the first day of school, it's for not being able to see a big sister's face upon first meeting their sibling.

I lie here contracting just like I did with my first and only child, only this time there is no happy ending. The timing couldn't be worse for me - I've an important application to get done in a week and so much work still to do for it but I just don't feel like I want to. I can't stop crying long enough to be able to.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My oh isn't the greatest communicator & my mum went home this morning 4 hours away after looking after my child for the weekend.

I'm scared of passing what was essentially only a cluster of cells, a life that didn't get so far as to have a heartbeat. That should make me feel better apparently but it just makes me feel worse, like it wasn't even given a chance. I want it to hurry up and end and I want it to never end.

I just don't know why I'm doing all I do know is that I'm having a miscarriage right now and I feel so lonely.

Oh bless you. I'm glad they've been gentle with you, but it really does bring out the emotion doesn't it. I remember after the first time - being at my desk, shoulders most of the way to my ears, rigid with stress and desperately trying to hold it together, head throbbing, and one of our lovely couriers came in, saw me and came straight over and gave me a big bear hug and said "I'm so sorry" and I lost it totally and wailed and sobbed into my keyboard for ages. Got sent home again shortly after that!

It's so painful isn't it coming back to the life you'd been in, like a weird timewarp/flashback and then unpicking the bits you'd set up like the A/L, midwife appointments in your calendar, all the events etc you'd envisaged being pregnant for, so doing differently, all the many bloody emails because your absence was unplanned so no out of office on. I unplugged my phone when I first got back and left it like that for a week, I just couldn't cope with calls, it was hard enough just being there and readjusting.

I do know just what you mean about trying to stay detached next time, not daring to hope or plan. It's like an attempt at self preservation isn't it. I've done that twice now (with DD who was fine and this baby who wasn't). Thing is, much as I tried to protect myself and remain emotionally distant, it doesn't actually work, you bond, you care, you worry and if it goes wrong you're still heartbroken. One of the hard things this time has been me beating myself up for trying not to love this baby whilst I still had it, I wish I'd just gone with it and not held back, I'd have still felt just as shit now.

I don't announce pregnancies though, I keep it to myself, even if I am secretly obsessing. I find if you say "I'm pregnant" people translate that as "I am having a baby" and leap in with congratulations/sounding excited and conversations move round to "in a few months.... once you have the baby..." all that sort of stuff. I found it unbearable. When I said "I'm pregnant" that is literally all I meant, as in, right now I am x weeks pregnant, no idea where this will end up, please be gentle. I was so frightened when I was pregnant with DD that I never once felt excited, just worried sick and scared to death, and desperate for it to be ok but with no confidence it would be - I HATED other people being excited about her, I felt like I should get to be excited first but I couldn't because of the state I was in, and I felt robbed of all the joy and anticipation. And I couldn't bear congratulations, it felt like totally jumping the gun whilst she was not yet here safely. I left work at 30 weeks for maternity leave (had quite a compact bump) and there were plenty of people at work who didn't realise at all - I said I was leaving and I was congratulated on my new job. Haha.

Somehow I have found it's easier to retrospectively say - I was pregnant, and I'm losing/have lost the baby than have ever said I'm pregnant in the first place. I told all my friends this time once our baby was going to die, which is maybe a bit screwed up, but I think you'll understand.

I would LOVE to hear if and when you get pregnant again, there's always PMs if this thread has tailed off by then.

Good luck for the rest of the day, you are so strong getting back into it, be proud of yourself x

You really know how to put things into words, it's comforting actually to read how others interpret their emotions. I honestly don't know how you've been through this twice. You are so incredibly strong.

It's also good to understand that although you wanted to be in denial, looking back you wish you enjoyed it more because you would have felt the same pain regardless. That's definitely something to bear in mind.

I didn't announce this pregnancy, like you, I did worry what it would bring. As you say, saying your pregnant should mean exactly that but we translate it into oh your having a baby it'll be like this and that etc. We did tell both our mums though straight away and at 8 weeks I told my 3 best friends. Since the miscarriage though more people know now. It was difficult to hide since I was in Hosp with the infection too. Now that's it happened I do want to talk about it.

When do you think you will go back to work? Any ideas? My manager said this morning that I've done incredibly well to get back as emotionally I won't be anywhere near better yet. I thought it was really nice of him, as a guy to be so understanding. Another manager said I'm so young but been though so much. Again it's nice for people to acknowledge your hurt. It doesn't make it better but it's definitely something.

I'm glad if my wafflings are helpful, it certainly helps me to write them. I'm not strong at all, just got no bloody choice in any of it, there isn't a "stop the world I want to get off" option much as I wish there was at times!

Your manager sounds great, it makes such a difference to feel supported. I hope you feel ok after the first day, and slept alright. Are you full time?

I'm not working at the moment which does make it all a lot easier - there's no pressure to do anything other than school runs and wrap around care and the odd bit of laundry/housework/shopping/cooking. I resigned after I had DD. I was wondering what I would do once she started school last September, and was feeling a bit lost, then surprise pregnancy and I thought, oh ok it's a few months to please myself and then back to babycare. Of course now that's not happening and I do feel quite purposeless and lost. In any case there's no way I'd go back to work until all these episodes of clot passing and cramping stop.

I've been having weird heart palpitations that go on for hours for the last few days - no idea what that is about but it's another worry! Got a doctors appointment this morning to check it out. I am trying hard to keep off of Dr Google as it always tells you that you are going to die...

Just checking my new username works, excuse the dud post, it's still me! I've never liked the old one and I've had it since 2009

Excellent.

Split the tea is that you??

How did you get on at the doctors? The palpitations don't sound good. I hope they got to the bottom of it. Do you think you will try again now that you have just been pregnant? I see you say it was a pleasant suprise so not sure how strongly you feel about expanding your family. Forgive me if we have already discussed this!

Yes it's me, sorry for confusion!

GP has reassured me I am not about to snuff it, but booked in an ECG to be on the safe side. She thinks it's likely to be a combination of side effects from my thyroid meds (we've been changing dosage), hormonal change, anxiety and stress. Hopefully it will right itself in the next couple of weeks but she's getting me back in 10 days to have another check. Funnily enough it's been more normal today so fingers crossed it's settling down - it's just immensely disturbing when a vital organ goes and behaves noticeably wrongly!

Gawd ttc again, I don't know. I think I'm probably 60-70% in the yes try again camp and the rest in the sitting on fence/put off decision camp. I hate feeling like we end our family making days on a down note as it were, and I feel like sticking two fingers up to nature and saying Look I can make babies properly, and going for it and keeping at it until we get a live baby. But that is childish and I also should think about why we'd decided not to have more DC and see if those reasons are still valid. They are mainly to do with me having no wish to endure pregnancy sickness, transition, crowning, piles, postnatal ward care, and all the anxiety etc ever again. It's hard to know.

I suspect now I would later on have more regrets about not trying again. I'd started to buy into the idea of having a snuffly grunty newborn again, breastfeeding again (LOVED it), picturing DD with a baby sibling, and imagining our family when they're older, and more faces at the table.

I guess it's different for you as you were ttc, so you felt sure you wanted to start a family? Are you hoping to go for it asap or take a break?

Hope your day was ok, were you in work again?

How are you? Everything ok?

Hi, yes I'm fine, sorry, just a bit tied up with stuff here and then shattered and having early nights.

You've really been through the mill haven't you. Pancreatic cancer I seem to recall is one of the really nasty ones which is often not detected until too late. Sounds like you did well to catch it at least, I can't imagine what a scary and horrible time that must have been. Do they feel confident it is dealt with?

That BFP is just amazing the first time isn't it?! Terrifying in a what-have-we-done sort of way and really really exciting, an amazing memory and a magical secret in those early days.

I know that too tired to go to bed feeling... I am rubbish at going to bed if DH isn't here to tell me to. If he goes out for the evening I sit around for far too long with a worsening headache and getting a bit queasy (which is how I experience really overtired) but the whole getting upstairs/changed/teeth etc etc seems like too much hard work so I put it off

How's your MIL doing?

Have your pg tests gone -ve yet? I'm still bleeding/passing clots every day or two, can't believe it's dragging on so much. Popping iron pills and wondering about doubling my dose, I can't believe I haven't depleted myself quite thoroughly.

So tired.

You're probably right I should get the blood test, I just feel like I am in there all the time and they must think I'm a hypochondriac or something - I can't in my head get past the idea that I shouldn't "waste" a doctors time. They did a full blood count in hospital the day they started the termination and my Hb was 13.1 then which is very good, it's just that I have always pretty low ferritin (iron stores) borderline for supplementation so suspect even if not technically anaemic I've probably exhausted my reserves.

It's scary reading about your route to diagnosis, and how you being proactive and going back, and then going private might well have saved your life. Must have been one hell of a shock.

How's your DH coping with your MIL being so ill? It sounds very hard, waiting and watching and wondering. Is she able to communicate? It all sounds very stressful and upsetting for you all.

DH is off to India with work at silly o clock tomorrow morning for a couple of weeks so I am fingers crossed nothing untoward happens here whilst he's away. It would be just typical for DD to get a vomiting bug/ear infection and the resultant all nighters/up every 20 mins would just about finish me off at the moment! It'll be lonely, and whilst there are lots of people around who say "oh get in touch if you want to chat" I know I won't. I'll miss him just being here and getting it and holding me at night when I cry.

Reading your message broke my heart. Can you go and stay with your parents? Sibling or close friend? Or even have them over? It'll break the two weeks up.

Don't feel like a hypochondriac at all. My story proves that if you don't feel right, persist until you get answers. I was later told that all the exhaustion I suffered from during teenage years and the recurrent tonsillitis was my body's way of telling me that something wasn't right. It did come as a big shock and I had just left my parents house, started a new job, got married so there was a lot of change and then a cancer diagnosis. I was very fortunate that it was early stages and it was a rare type so the prognosis is quite good. The only reason I had pain was because a blood vessel burst inside.

DH is doing well considering. I don't think he's had time to fully comprehend the miscarriage with everything at once. I asked the doctor outright what she thought MILS chances were and she said that people do surprise them but mil has a lot stacked against her. I then asked how we would know that she was deteriorating and would it be slow enough for everyone to get to the Hosp. She said that if she was to deteriorate then it would either be a heart attack (sudden) or all organs starting to pack up (which could give us time to reach the hospital). DH and his sisters have taken it in turns to be beside her from 7am -11pm everyday. DH said to me yesterday that he thinks everyone has said goodbye to her in their own way. I found that so sad. He lost his dad at 13 and to be 28 and not have any parents is unthinkable. Mil has been poorly in the past though and surprised docs by pulling through so she could still make it. As you say it's all the waiting around, not knowing that's so very exhausting.

It'll be ok. Now DD is school age I have to stay here - family are all a distance away. My parents will come up for the day on Sunday. Otherwise we'll just be mainly the two of us which will be nice too in it's own way. On Saturday we are going to get the compost & seeds out and start sowing beans and tomatoes for the summer. She's been helping me plant seeds since she was 2, it's one of our special things

He left at 5am, so we've been up since 4.45. I hoped she'd be up for going back to sleep for an hour or two but no such luck!! Whilst I cuddled her in bed and shut my eyes hoping to encourage some sleeping I got walloped in the eye the handcream which she "dropped" on my face... on the bright side if I get a black eye, DH can claim he'd left the country so it wasn't his fault! Got up and found cat sick all over DD's duvet which is grim. So I shall be picking that off shortly, when I can bear to!

Interesting what they said to you about the exhaustion. I have in general found GPs very uninterested in severe tiredness. Once you have a small child/are pregnant they tend to just go "yes well, it's normal to be tired when you are pregnant/have young children" and it has been a fight to get my thyroid problems and other vitamin deficiencies diagnosed and medicated. I do tend to feel now that I really have to psyche myself up for a doctors appointment, I'm not good at being assertive but it is a case of having to stand your ground and insist that things are not ok and you need to be checked properly please. Trouble is, when things are not ok you are usually to tired/run down/low to have much fight left!

Your poor DH, what a heartbreaking time for him and the rest of you. Thinking of you all. It may be that the miscarriage hits him later in a sort of delayed fashion. I hope you are feeling supported at the moment as well, it must be so difficult when there's the ongoing issues with you MIL to get time to reflect and talk about your loss too.

I'm sure you'll have a great time with your DD. she will be a good distraction but you'll also get a bit of 'me' time. Why don't you pamper yourself a bit with a face mask etc it's amazing how small things can make you feel so much better.

Shame about the cat sick!!

Had a rubbish day. The sisterinlaw I was telling you about had a barney with DH. He was so upset and in turn I just can't get over it. We shouldn't let her bother us like this but she does. She said lots of things, including that she will not apologise for not asking about the miscarriage. She said she feels it's very private. But after all the other things she said, it's clear that she didn't really care enough. I've been trying to get my head around it all day. It happened last night and so couldn't sleep for ages and today I've just had such a splitting headache. I wasn't present but overhead a few bits and bobs. She is such a psycho she has been fine with me this evening. A little bit dismissive initially but when I made a tiny effort to join in the convo with her and her sis, she was being totally fine. True psycho. Not getting sucked in but at the same time I want to rise above it.

Nothing else new to report. Just had some dinner and shower now and hopefully wind down for an early night. How it your sleep? Do you manage to sleep through? The other night I had a dream that we had a baby boy.

We're getting through really well. I have tackled both my freezers which were full up with god only knows what and in total chaos. One of them dropped frozen tubs etc on your feet/in your face when opened so those are rearranged, cleaned and organised, totally past it stuff is gone and I now have a list of all the weird bits that need working into meals...

I have wallpaper stripped the bedroom we are decorating.

I've cleaned all the house repeatedly it feels like, done mammoth amounts of laundry to get on top of it all, more vet trips (got car stuck in the mud there and had to be towed out! ) , and then had to wash the car as it was plastered in mud.

And I've made an effort to engage with DD more and it has been lovely. What with morning sickness (ha, any time of day sickness!) and then the emotional & physical carnage since we lost the baby I'd fallen into the habit of lazy arse parenting, lots of screens, letting DH takeover all the time he was here and it's been lovely to play more again and we have done some crafts and had some walks and done some cooking together... and done ENDLESS playing schools with her 5 "babies" (dolls) which really does pall after a bit. The babies are naughty and hit each other/run away from school/wee on the sofa/vomit on each other and it all causes much hilarity but makes my job as "teacher" v frustrating!

I'm trying not to think about things too much, I want to maintain this even-ish keel until DH gets home. Our hospital appointment to go over the pathology from the placenta has come through now, thankfully for a time we can both go, and my parents will pick up DD from school that day. So maybe in a couple of weeks, if all the cultures behaved in the labs they can tell us the sex of the baby and whether it was chromosonally normal or not and if the placenta looked ok. Basically whether the anencephaly was the only bad luck or whether there were multiple factors at play. I am cramping again this morning. The bleeding had all but stopped over the last couple of days, was just brown streaks, but back to red again. 4 weeks & 1 day and counting. Sigh. Is yours finished?

Have you had any more dreams? They can be really real can't they. Very mixed emotions. Hope you're ok.

You're SIL sounds like a cow. "She said lots of things, including that she will not apologise for not asking about the miscarriage." My jaw fell open reading that. How you didn't thump her I don't know, what a heartless piece of cruelty. Saying she thinks it is private is a copout. If she felt that the way forward would be to say something vaguer like "sorry to hear your news, I'm thinking of you", even by email/card/text if she felt it was better. Just the total lack of acknowledgement is out of order. Well done for rising above it.

I'm really pleased to hear you are getting on ok. You certainly sound like you have been very busy! Playing dolls with your DD and the scenarios really made me giggle! I think you are right - it's easy to lose focus and enjoy the things we DO have in our lives. Well done you.

It's good your appt has come through and also at a time you can make it. Hopefully you will get some answers.

Things have been busy here. My first full week at work and was exhausted last night. Went to sleep at 9.30! I've been having late nights which haven't helped and getting to sleep has been a bit of an issue with things playing on my mind (sil and her stupid comments) and also mil in Hosp.

To top it all, DH has been diagnosed with diabetes. He has been getting up to go to the loo a lot during the night and thought it was an infection but turns out to be diabetes. He is overweight though so I really hope he will take this seriously and lose the weight/get fit. It's just such ashame that he has had so much on his plate from a young age , he jus doesn't get time/mental or physical energy to focus on himself.

Both my grandparents have also been taken into Hosp with grandparents so it just seems to be a rubbish time for us at the moment!

Today, I need to tackle the house (the bitchy sil is still here and another sil staying over too- she is ok but takes lead from the bitchy one). Just going to get ready and head to the Hosp now. Going to have a nap when I get in and take it from there.

I'm just trying to take it one day at a time at the moment. Not get worked up over trivial things and focus my energy on myself. I've been trying to repeat mantras in my head and pray. I'm almost 4 weeks from miscarriage so I expect my period come come anytime really.

Hope you have a great day today. Lots of snow here in Edinburgh!

Oh how gutting for your DH Is it type 1 or 2? There's such a lot to take in when you get a diagnosis of a condition, and it sounds like it was a real shock to you both so doubly hard. Has much support/guidance/advice been given or put in place for him? The Michael Mosley webchat that was on here last week might be of interest.

I'm hoping you've had some extra sleep and a bit of rest over the weekend but fear not with all the family crises you are having, it sounds a nightmare. Are your grandparents likely to be discharged soon? And ugh to houseguests too, esp The Sil

No snow here, but yesterday was a gorgeous day, sunny and bright all day so we did a tour of the town's playparks and DD found a muddy puddle and lots of twigs for digging in and poking in it with so she was in heaven. Still got her dress in a bucket soaking from that We sowed a load of seeds (broad beans, tomatoes, peas, broccoli) ready for the summer, and have made a cake and just generally hung out having a nice time.

She's great, and actually it makes me think that yes, I think I do want to do this again. So, talks to be had with DH when he returns from India!

I'm feeling capable and on top of life at the moment which is a lovely feeling, and I love the idea of more buzz and busyness in the house, and feel like I could cope with the extra work it would entail. If we do go ahead and ttc and are lucky enough to have another baby I can see my frazzled self desperately eating those words for the next 4 years, I'm not totally deluded, I know what bloody hard work 0-4 years is! Just right now I feel a bit excited at the possibility which is slightly unnerving and a little out of character!

It was so lovely to read your last post - you sound like you are at peace with yourself and situation. It's great you have DD to keep you busy and also appreciate the smaller things in life.

Things here have continued to stay hectic. I feel as if I'm running on adrenaline to be honest. I'm anxiously waiting for it to come crashing down. I think I'm over doing it so I don't have time to subconsciously dwell. That's my theory anyway. It's probably type 2 but they are still running tests. Apparently they can do a blood test which shows what the sugars have been like over the past 12 weeks (so DH tells me!).

My friend is getting married next weekend and it was going to be a good opportunity to see lots of family friends and share our good news with them. I was going to be 16 weeks ish. Oh well.

Been a bit fed up at work as well and I think I need to move jobs. I enjoy what I do but think a fresh start will be great for me. Fresh faces fresh challenges. Just need to get my ass into gear and get job hunting.

Onwards and upwards eh. Sorry didn't mean this to be a big moan but just feeling a bit 'blah' today. Hope you are doing well. Still waiting for first AF - im 4 weeks 2 days since medically managed miscarriage but only stopped bleeding about two weeks ago so not sure when AF will arrive. They did say between 4-6 weeks and perhaps that's why I'm feeling up and down at the moment.

How are you doing X

Hi there, I've been meaning to post for a while but thought it had been so long you had probably given up checking the thread!

Fine here, we're on half term at the moment so I've had DD all to myself, which has mainly involved a lot of mud. Her favourite thing in the world at the moment is a particular muddy puddle at the park and poking it with sticks and transferring the mud by stick to under the trampoline But it's been glorious sunshine (apart from yesterday) and lovely to be outside, and she's finally sussed her balance bike so is careering along like a mad thing and frankly hazardous to other people!

We had our consultant appointment last week and found out that the baby was a boy. That was a huge shock. Having had the 2 girls and having a family dominated by girls we were in "girl mindset" and it's a big surprise that we made a boy.

The second surprise was that the chromosone testing did reveal abnormalities - he had Edwards syndrome (Trisomy 18). It's one of the trisomies that can go to term but is usually not compatible with life. Basically Edwards causes huge structural problems with loads of organs, inc the heart and brain, sometimes things like fingers are fused, usually very small babies (IUGR), can have very tiny heads (microcephaly) etc etc. Usually what kills the babies are major heart abnormalities, and whilst they can be born alive it is far more common to lose them somewhere along the way. Babies with Edwards syndrome that are born alive have a very poor prognosis - 50% die within 2 weeks, most by a few months and it's basically unheard of for any to reach the age of 10. Those that do survive past a few months usually don't have full Edwards syndrome, rather something called mosaic Edwards syndrome which is not so immediately terminal.

The consultant was of the opinion that the neural tube defect that caused our baby's missing skull and brain was probably due to the Edwards syndrome, but they can't exclude the possibility that he had a neural tube defect AND Edwards, so I am to keep on with the 5mg/day folic acid.

In theory it's very unlikely to happen again, but in theory it's very unlikely to have a baby with trisomy at all at age 30. It correlates with maternal age basically.

Next time we will definitely be getting the private Harmony (NIPT) test to know for sure asap what is going on in there. It's scary because usually Edwards syndrome is identified later, at the 20 week scan, so in some ways we were lucky that the problems were so major and so clear so early - we could have been in for another devastating 20 week scan but in this case a late termination rather than a late missed miscarriage. I suspect had we carried on with the pregnancy we would have found at a later scan that there were lots of other problems with the baby too, not just (!) a lack of skull and brain. Poor little mite.

How are you? Hope the wedding was ok - so painful those "should have beens". Have you managed to find the oomph for job hunting? I hope everyone elses health crises have calmed down a bit and are at manageable levels! I think the blood test your DH was talking about is the Hba1c - my dad has those every 3 months, he's a type 2.

Take care of yourself, I worry that when your adrenaline finally pauses for breath you will be wrecked, you've had so much to deal with and barely time to absorb what has happened to you. Still here if talking helps. Did your AF reappear or not yet?

Had a "where babies come from" conversation with DD today prompted by her wanting to know why I wasn't taking my contraceptive!

Abutterflylightsbesideus

How are you doing??