Recurrent Miscarriage Support Thread 15 - tests, treatment and trying again

[Justonemoretime]

Information, support, hand holding, tea, sympathy and a hell of a lot of combined knowledge - all welcome as we try to make sense of the RMC roller coaster of tests, NHS admin, heart ache and (hopefully) happy endings!
Please start with a recap of your stats :)

I'm out too, and have at times been overwhelmed by how supportive people are. But my life is an open book, I have had depression and battled the bottle, and have always remained open about my struggles. It makes me vulnerable but stronger, if that makes sense...

I am outish and since being pregnant this time I have felt the urge to be more open. I have said things like yes so nice to get past 12 weeks, have been here before and had bad news, or this is not my first or second pregnancy. Noone has asked any questions. I suppose people just feel awkward. Let us know how you get on.

Good luck brummie. As just says, enjoy the lovely drugs. I hope you don't have to wait long.

Congrats twilight! What a lovely way to start the year.

I've just started 2ww (at least I think, body is still playing silly buggers), really really hoping for good news to start the year off too.

I'm mostly out. My close family know and close friends/colleagues know. Mostly it has been a positive thing. Although my mum told my aunt after my cousin had a miscarriage. However the cousin has since gone on to have a successfull pregnancy, as have her brother and sister, and it now really bothers me they know. I don't know why, we're not close and I never see them. I just hate the thought of people pitying me. I think it's a pride thing.

That's a lovely thing your dh is doing barking. I completely agree there's an expectation that you don't talk about it. I have definitely felt that.

DP and I are talking of getting married. We were always going to but once we started ttc-ing I decided I'd rather have the baby first and marry after that. After what happened I was considering asking for donations to Miscarriage Association or ARC instead of gifts (we've lived together for years and don't need any more stuff). But I was worried it's a bit attention seeking-y. Isn't that weird? I don't know why I think that but it definitely stems from this notion that you do.not.talk.about.it. As it is, given it's taking longer than we thought, I think we're just going to have a really small wedding this year and then a great big party after the baby arrives

Barking I tell people about my infertility and mcs as I believe society should talk about the issues more. I know it's hard being so open though.

Hope all goes ok Brummie. Thinking of you!

XxX

Barking, I agree that it's a lovely thing for you and your oh to do. I think it's even more braver for men in someways as they don't generally talk about their feelings. We've generally been open about what's happened to us and OH has had a lot of male friends open up to him about their partner's MCs.

I'm out as well barking. All my close family and friends, work colleagues and anyone that specifically asks knows, although I haven't gone as far as to mention it to people that don't see me much, just because it's a bit of a conversation stopper when you haven't spoken to someone in a while. I'm not sure my mum got the memo about it being a taboo subject as she even told her hairdresser about my mcs!
I also posted on fb on pregnancy and baby loss awareness day that I was lighting 3 candles. I was surprised how many people 'liked' it (even those that didn't know), but none at all commented. I think that's quite telling to some extent.
Was watching the celebrity version of the chase the other night and one of the teachers from educating Yorkshire (Or was it educating Essex?one of the two) had the miscarriage association as his charity. I was pleased that he did, as it definitely doesn't get enough coverage, but then I felt sad for him, as I assume he's been affected by it.
Hope you've been in by now brummie x

I'm pretty out too. Family, friends and work colleagues know at least. I feel better with it out there, because I agree that it's good for it to be spoken about more (though obv people are also entitled to keep it private if they prefer), and because people have generally been very supportive and I find it means people are less likely to say upsetting things.

Took another first response today and the line is equally faint. Didn't take digital because of the point that they're not sensitive and I didn't eat to see not pregnant. I'm only 10/11 dpo so now am worrying about chemical. Fun fun

I am out at work as I did a 5 mile race last year and collected money for the miscarriage association.

Also out on fb.

But not with my family as back then I could have done without the pity and sympathy

Twilight, another yippee and remember one step at a time. Bask in the feeling that today you are pregnant for a few hours at least before you go onto the next worry x

I wish I was more out. Our friends locally know, and Dh's family because they had to provide childcare for mc2, but my family live in another part of the country and somehow there has never been the right time to tell them. They are born worriers as well which bares heavy on my mind when I contemplate telling them. My younger dsis recently confided in me that they have started to TTC which somehow has made it worse. I don't want to rain on her parade. I also don't want her to go through the same stuff as us.

Well I seem to be in dh and his family's bad books. There's a family gathering today and I don' t feel strong enough to go. Dsil is due a few weeks before my last due date which is making it more difficult to forget. Can't face the inevitable bump talk and definitely am not in the right head space for the when you having another convo with great aunts and uncles.

Thinking of you brummie. Glad they finally found you a bed.

Twilight one tiny step at a time! If you're already getting bfps at 10/11 dpo then your hcg levels must be nice and strong, that's what I'd be telling myself anyway!

Just your mention of Tommy's led me to read most of their website and the MA website this morning, and because of the emphasis on research I think Tommy's is actually the better fit for us. I've got a friend who had two very prem babies and another friend who had a stillbirth, so combined with the research element I think Tommy's is the one to support.

monten due to our age we said we didn't want to wait to get married to start ttc and we'd have the wedding when baby arrived. Two years later we were still ttc so planned the wedding anyway, then got pg so I was due to be 7 months on the day, then had 1st mc so I wasn't. That was difficult as I'd already picked out a maternity wedding dress and had a very clear mental image of me and my bump. Been married almost a year now...
The friends who had the stillbirth mentioned their baby during the wedding speeches, and I'm pretty sure Tommy's was the charity they chose for gifts. I think the life events you've shared together, good or bad, are what shape your relationship. Your wedding day is like a massive show of the strength of your relationship, I wouldn't see it as a pity thing or attention seeking, more of a 'look what we've been through together and come out fighting'.

brummie hoping you haven't been on because things are finally happening.

twilight bfp is brilliant news. Shame it's difficult for it to feel that way after rmc. It is lovely news nevertheless and a great way to start a new year!

Well I'm laid with my bum in the air. Vaguely sobbing into my coffee which is balancing precariously. Glamorous start to a Sunday morning. But I know it could be much worse.

diddly stuff DH and his family, if you don't want to see the bump don't go. And don't feel guilty about it either. When my DH used to suggest maybe I just needed to face it on these type of occasions, I asked whether he'd rather go on his own while I sat in peace at home, or leave early with a crying wife. I'll man up and face it if it's a christening or something and I'll cause offence by not being there, but not for a generic family gathering.

Great news this morning Twilight - keeping everything crossed that you have a strong sticky bean in there x

Monten congratulations! I wouldn't think of it as attention seeking either. Your wedding day is supposed to be all about you and what you have been through together. That said, some people will want to buy you a gift as well.

Twilight, fingers crossed! I seem to remember posting something very similar at the start of this pregnancy. Your hg levels double every couple of days but at the beginning they are doubling a very small number so it takes a while to take off.

Monten, we did a charity thing for our wedding (ages ago, pre mc) and also had a fund for a get away so that people could choose which to give to, so the air ambulance did well and we got a week in Tuscany. I think people do that sort of thing these days as so many couples live together first and have endless crockery already! If you want to raise money for the miscarriage association, I say go for it.
Twilight, a lines a line. Understandably you're apprehensive, but you have a care plan, so there is good reason to think that this could be the one. Remember, even just the extra scans are shown to make a positive difference. Your chances of success are something like 70%, even with your history. Thinking of you.

Hope it goes well today brummie

I'm very late to this - sorry.

Brummie - i hope it goes ok today. When I got taken in last time there wasn't a bed problem, it was the 19 people ahead of me on the emergency surgery list

My stats are

Dd born 2011, emcs but easy pregnancy

Mc1 July 2012 mmc twin pregnancy 8 weeks, one hb seen
Mc2 oct 2012 spontaneous mc at 5-6 weeks
MC3 april 2013 mmc at 8 weeks, no hb seen

referred to St Marys RMC but all tests negative

Mc4 August 2014 mmc at 10.5 weeks, good scans and hb seen from 5 weeks

Self referred to Coventry but nk cells normal. Have got progesterone and heparin recommended for next pg.

I'm fairly out. DH started referring to them after mc 3 (we're farmers so everyone wants to know about breeding). It's got easier as people know as they don't ask about dc2 anymore. I have struggled to find a cause to support as i haven't found the ma that helpful. I've struggled to find help and counselling but because I'm chartered surveyor their charity are helping me by providing counselling. Any fund raising I do will be for them.

Morning all. Well it's happened. Its done and I'm finally home. And I feel broken.

Not physically. Physically I'm a bit sore but practically no blood loss and I mean nothing. I was a bit sore but more of a grazed feeling rather than cramps.

Went down and was in anaesthetic room at 8.55pm and that's when the tears started flowing. The doctors were wonderful. The anaesthetist was a lady called Charlotte and she held my hand whilst I cried and cried. They didn't rush me and when I was calm said they would put me to sleep. Charlotte held my hand until I was asleep.

When I came round in the recovery room one of the surgeons was there and he said that his wife had had several miscarriages before their son so not to give up.

Although I did feel like I was turfed out this morning without a second thought. "Had breakfast, been for a wee? Right we need your bed"

I've only lost 3 babies in a row and no one asked me if I was ok. I was pretty much turfed out. Now I know that I have a referral in pipeline and my work are currently paying for counselling for me but what if they weren't? There really is very limited help for women as it is seen as a fact of life.

Anyway I'm home now and really feeling the loss now.

I'm an out and proud. I refuse to lie - why should it. I don't openly refer to it on fb as I am conscious my DP is more private than I am. But if people ask then I tell them. My immediate team and boss know but I will be off for 2 weeks so it will get asked. Plus people are nosy and don't seem to mind asking where you've been.

But my 3 babies had a future and were loved, just like all the other babies and I refuse to deny their existence.

So next steps. I need to get that negative test so I can go back to Worcester and get my bloods done to start the referral process. I have to focus on that - and not in the back of my mind - how many losses are we going to endure and why is this happening to us.

But I'm shocked at how there is virtually no bleeding. It's like nothing ever happened.

One last thing, I was also offered another scan at the 11th hour - just to make sure. But if I'd done that it would have meant waiting another week and I couldn't prolong the agony. I did wonder if I should, but I needed to move on now. I simply asked if they were confident and they said yes.

And in my discharge notes this morning it said the sac was dated 10 weeks but the baby at only 5+5 with no heartbeat. So it was the right thing to do. I appreciated them asking though.

Sorry for the mammoth long post - I needed to write it all down. And thank you for all being there. It means so much

Massive hugs brummie. I'm glad that part of the ordeal is over so that you can start to heal, physically and mentally. How lovely of the anaesthetist to hold your hand; it made me cry to read that. And nice of the surgeon to give something of himself. I think sometimes they seem so removed from being real people that is nice he was trying to reassure you. Take care of yourself and we're here for you to chat to if and when you want x

Hugs to you Brummie I had a little cry when I read your post but I am glad the operation is behind you.

I'm so sorry for all you've been through and the hurt you're feeling. It is just so strange when you get home to the quiet and it feels like everything's carrying on when you can't.

You may have some blood tomorrow so have a few pads ready just in case. I hope you can manage some yummy chocolate and a few glasses of wine while you wait for your appointment at Worcester.

Your babies will always be with you in your heart and you won't forget. One day I'm sure you'll tell your children all about them. Never give up hope.

XxX

Hugs brummie thinking of you

I am kind of out, most people know about mmc1&mmc2 as the first one happened just before my grandfather's funeral and 2nd just before a huge family party. Few people know about the molar pregnancy as the few people I told freaked out a bit after looking it up.

Thanks cat will check matalan out

Oh catlover what you said about telling children all about them made me cry too.

She's right brummie your babies will be with you forever. I'm so glad they were sympathetic staff. I agree about the being turfed out thing. It's always strange to me how isolated you are. No follow up, no thing. I understand the nhs are stretched but if you had any other surgery you would have a follow up appointment to check you were okay. A colleague sprained her ankle (badly) after a drunken night out and was in one of those boot things. She had THREE follow ups with the consultant to check she was healing okay. I think the aftercare we receive is woeful.

I didn't bleed straight away but it did come over the following days so keep some pads handy.

Big hugs. I'm imagining a meet up where we all have our babies. It'll happen

Just adding my hugs to Brummie. Please don't give up hope. I have been where you are, feeling desperate and broken, and it hurts so much, but I am getting there now. I haven't forgotten, but I have survived and have a future now.
You will too, I know it. Hopefully you will feel a bit better once your testing starts. I felt a bit more looked after then - like the NHS was throwing its resources behind me. More hugs.

I'm glad you are home brummie and that you met staff with some compassion. You are perfectly entitled to fall apart for a bit if you need to, or at least to rest up and gather your resolve for the next stage.

I'm a bit of a mixture of in and out which is a bit awkward sometimes. My side of the family know but DH didn't want to tell his, except one sister who has struggled with infertility. Most friends know and the senior management at work. One of the difficulties is we haven't told the children, ds1 was only 6 at the time most of the MC happened. We will probably have a dedication service for Faith at some point and since most of the adults at church know it would seem right to acknowledge the losses but difficult to do that without potentially upsetting the boys....