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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Original poster

The "helpful" things people say

58 replies

ImnotawitchImyourwife · 16/10/2014 10:24

Disclaimer: I know people are just trying to help and it must be difficult to know what to say, but my fifth successive miscarriage started yesterday and I'm fragile and angry and need to vent.

"At least it's happened very early this time"
OK, so it is going to be more straight forward and less physically painful this time, but this is my fifth in quick succession and with each one a little more of my hope reserves drip away. The emotional pain of the loss increases with each one.

"At least you get pregnant really easily. That's good isn't it?"
Seriously? Oh yes, it's brilliant. I feel truly blessed to have gone through five miscarriages (and don't forget the five sets of morning sickness) in less than a year. I can't remember the last time I felt well, but you're right, I'm so lucky, thanks for reminding me.

"But you have your DS and he's so lovely. If you never have another would that really be so bad?"
Oh great, now I feel guilty for not being satisfied with what I have. My desire for another child is in no way a comment on my DS not being good enough. He's wonderful, I adore him utterly and feel very lucky to have him, but he loves babies and I happen to think he'd make an awesome big brother.

"Chin up"/"Onwards and upwards"/"Worse things happen at sea"/"Just keep trying, you'll get there"/ (and my personal favourite) "Try not to worry"
Oh do fuck off.

What's wrong with a hug?

OP posts:
freshlysharpenedpencils · 16/10/2014 10:26

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine what that is like and I also would have no idea what the right words are. Flowers

NewEraNewMindset · 16/10/2014 10:32

If it helps and I'm sure it doesn't these people who spout this nonsense are really not doing it to be arseholes. They are in the impossible situation of feeling like they have to acknowledge what has happened and are relying on platitudes to get them through.

Before I went through my MCs I think I would have thought any one of the above was an ok thing to say. In fact I can remember commenting to my Mother that an early abortion wasn't a baby, it was just a cluster of cells. What a fucking idiotic thing to say but in my twenty something year old naivety, it seemed acceptable comment.

So please accept a huge hug from me at this dark dark time. I am so sorry you have had such a terrible year and I'm hoping you are being referred for recurrent MC testing as at least there does seem to be a protocol in place now, so there is lots of hope.

bakingtins · 16/10/2014 10:33

(((Hug))) it's shit and I'm so sorry you are going through it. If there is one thing I've learned through the whole awful experience of RMC it's not to say "at least" anything There's a great short film on YouTube called "the power of empathy" maybe you could put it on Facebook or send your helpful friends a link.
The long-running RMC support thread on this board has been such a lifeline for me, it makes a difference to have a place where everyone 'gets it' whether you need information about testing and treatment or just moral support. Please come and join us.

swlondonnanny · 16/10/2014 13:44

I have a good one : maybe you should stop trying and adopt as it looks like God doesn't want you to have a child as you already miscarried 10 times This gem came out of the mouth of my GP during my appointment.....
We've been TTC our first one for nearly 4 years....

bakingtins · 16/10/2014 14:30

Shock swlondonnanny did you complain? (once you'd scraped your jaw off the floor)

Original poster
ImnotawitchImyourwife · 16/10/2014 16:09

Wow swlondonnanny that really takes the biscuit! I can't believe that actually came out of the mouth of a medical professional (and I use that term in the loosest possible sense). Hope you complained.
Sorry to hear what you've been through, life is so unfair sometimes. I really hope you prove your GP wrong, and soon.

Love that video bakingtins. Everyone should see that. Having said that I'm not sure I could send the link to my friends without seeming ungrateful, I know they're only trying to help.

Getting harder and harder to bite my tongue though. Just had another gem after explaining that my last two losses happened very early on:
"Why don't you just not test until later on? Then you'd have thought those last two were just late periods"
Well there's four answers to that one (and this time I actually said them out loud rather than just nodding and inwardly cringing)

  1. I've been 28 days, regular as clockwork, since I was 11. I don't think I'd be fooled.
  2. I'm one of those people who feel symptoms straight away. On all 6 occasions I've known I was pregnant a good week before a line showed on a test.
  3. My periods are never this heavy, or this painful. I don't feel sick, or dizzy, or shaky with a period. This is different.
  4. I want to know straight away so that I can start taking the medications I've been prescribed asap. Yes my consultant told me they are unlikely to make any difference, but they won't do any harm and at least I'll feel like I'm doing something proactive.

I kept the first three to myself, but it's exhausting trying to pretend everything's fine all the time and I can't do it any more. I just want those closest to me to know now so that they understand if I have a bad day and don't want to go for coffee with them and their heavily pregnant friend. I just wish they understood that they don't actually have to say anything. I don't want solutions.

But maybe I am just ungrateful

OP posts:
twilightstruggle · 16/10/2014 21:07

All very good examples. I know the thread isn't supposed to be amusing but your writing style is good witch and I'm afraid I did smile in sad understanding.

The worst I had that didn't start with "at least..." was: "you do stop drinking when you're pregnant don't you", said with a slightly judgemental look as I sipped downed a glass of red while comiserating myself on my third miscarriage. I still haven't actually properly forgiven my friend yet.

ThisBitchIsResting · 16/10/2014 21:18

I'm newly pregnant after an MC a few months ago. I miscarried on holiday. I told my friend I was pregnant again and she congratulated me but also said I'd better not think about going on holiday or anything silly like that this time.

Yeah, cause that would have changed the fact that the baby had stopped developing four weeks before the holiday, wouldn't it.

ChickenMe · 17/10/2014 10:23

I'm sorry for the terrible time you are having witch. I think the public are really in the dark ages when it comes to miscarriages. We are supposedly an enlightened nation-I've often wondered how more "traditional" (for want of a better word- I mean people like Masai or Inuit) societies deal with pregnancy loss? Because the general public seem to be unable to empathise.
I must say that MN has really raised my awareness of miscarriage and also infertility.

Original poster
ImnotawitchImyourwife · 17/10/2014 16:21

Not sure I'd be able to forgive that one either twilight. Some people really do need to remember the engage brain before opening mouth rule.

Thanks for the empathy guys. Really is appreciated.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 17/10/2014 16:26

This is why I don't tell a soul....well my 17 week one a few people knew....unavoidable really....

Thank goodness for MN

So sorry Op....Thanks

barkingtreefrog · 18/10/2014 08:08

I'm sorry for all the well meaning but ignorant people notawitch I had to interrupt my best friend and practically yell 'don't say that, please just don't go there it's not helping' over the top of her 'at least....' stream after my second mc. My first pg was clomid and my second iui, so of my friends that knew the favourite was 'at least you know you can get pg now'. Actually, that's not reassuring. All that proved is that we're very unlikely to ever get pg naturally if it's not happened without help in almost 3 years ttc. The 5 rounds of clomid following the 1st mc didn't work, which means our chances are literally down to our remaining 2 rounds of iui and 1 IVF, then it's game over. If I'm never going to give birth to a baby, I'd much rather I never got pg.

Sorry, joined in with a rant of my own! The best reaction was a colleague who was pg when I had my first mc, she had announced the week before my mc. When I went back to work she just walked in and gave me a hug, didn't say anything at all, then walked out. I really appreciated that. Or the friend who posted me a pair of stripy socks to cheer me up Smile .

Greyhound · 18/10/2014 21:57

So sorry - I had four miscarriages before my son was born and I received all the tactless comments.

Original poster
ImnotawitchImyourwife · 20/10/2014 09:56

Rant away barking, that's what this thread is for. I know it won't be just me who gets the well meaning but badly considered comments. Your colleague sounds lovely though. That's really all I want my friends to do!

OP posts:
thesmallbear · 20/10/2014 17:11

I really hate the 'at least you know you can get pregnant' line. 'Yes, that really makes me feel better about the fact my child died, thank you very much!' However, I do take some solace in knowing that these people do mean well and just get it wrong because they don't understand/haven't been there. I much prefer the people who try and get it wrong, than the people who avoid you and don't acknowledge that anything has happened at all!

thesmallbear · 20/10/2014 17:12

Oh, and another line I got off someone 'it's just your bodies way of preparing for the next time.' WTAF?

AnneOfCleavage · 20/10/2014 17:25

So sorry for your losses Imnotawitch Sad

I've had:

"You're so clever falling pregnant" - yes well obviously not so clever as to be able to hang on to it was what I wanted to say Confused

"I have some good news to cheer you up, my sister is pregnant!!" - I hung up on that friends and never spoke to her again.

"It was obviously not meant to be"

Also had the one about the body preparing itself for the next time too thesmallbear

thesmallbear · 20/10/2014 17:54

AnneOfCleavage - that's a bit patronising to says 'you're clever' isn't it. I mean what's clever about having sex? When I told my boss I was pregnant she said 'well done.' I guess that was just her way of saying congratulations, but I though 'hmm didn't I do well to have sex' Hmm

That comment about the friends sister being pregnant is unbelievable! How the hell was that supposed to cheer you up!?

Chottie · 20/10/2014 18:01

Huge sympathies from me too. I had three consecutive miscarriages and heard all the above. Including 'it's nature's way of getting rid of something which isn't perfect'.

Some people are just unbelievable with their total lack of compassion.

AnneOfCleavage · 20/10/2014 18:02

It beggars belief doesn't it thesmallbear hence the culling of that friendship.

I think the person saying I was clever was trying to say that I was clever that my egg met DH sperm and that it worked so I could therefore be 'clever' again. I let that one go as think it was just the first thing they could think of in a 'it's better to say the wrong thing than nothing at all' scenario.

Original poster
ImnotawitchImyourwife · 20/10/2014 19:40

Just your body's way of preparing for next time eh? Wow. Don't think I've ever been so well prepared for anything in my life

Shock and Angry to the sister comment Anne. What was she thinking?!

OP posts:
ElleyBear13 · 20/10/2014 20:38

I'd prefer no words and a hug. Work were fab they sent me flowers,, no silly phrases or comments.

However i did get some corkers (looking back, at the time i walked away/slammed phone down):

"Yeah well I'm going through the same thing..."(she dumped b/f of eight months- no, no you're not)

"it'll happen again, this is just a test run" (gee thanks my baby is 'just' and 'test run')

"it happens to like........ 9 out of 10 women so completely normal, dont worry." (thanks mum. its actually one in four)

"everything happens for a reason, least you weren't further on and didnt get excited about it" (First i dont care i still hurt. I'd like to be further on. I did get excited. it's a she and she's called Ila Grace)

phew i needed to get that off my chest.

barkingtreefrog · 20/10/2014 21:13

Ooo, I've had the 'everything happens for a reason' lots! And the test run. And I'm glad I'm not the only one who has a name. I had a really strong feeling both times I was carrying a boy.
I'm totally Shock at the sister thing though. Closest I had to that was 'you probably don't want to hear this but 'x' is pregnant'. You were quite right! I didn't want to hear it! So why did you feel you had to tell me?!?!

Flower29 · 21/10/2014 09:27

Can't believe some of the things people have said to you ladies, these people are seriously lacking in compassion and brain cells! I've had a 'sure you'll be ok', 'it's for the best', 'really, I think I would still be pleased to hear if my friends were pregnant if I'd had a miscarriage', 'sorry I had to rush off (and leave you on the doorstep), you didn't want to see me cry' and 'it makes you realise how lucky we are doesn't it' the last one referring to my healthy 1 yr old I have and my friends 3 healthy kids who has never suffered a mc, can't say I was feeling particularly lucky when she said that! I can take these on the chin (just) as I know these people meant well.
I too would prefer a hug sometimes, what's with people feeling like they need to say something to make us feel better, nothing is going to make us feel better!
I've found it worse though when people don't say anything. My SIL came over a week after and didn't even ask how I was, admittedly she had her 2 kids with her, 8 and 10 but she could still have asked how I was and given me a 'look' or something, even a pat on the arm would have meant something. I've also had a couple of family members who have been told and haven't even txt to say sorry. And a couple of friends txt when I was in hosp but then I hardly heard from them and when I saw them a couple of weeks after they acted like it hadn't happened for fear of upsetting me - erm that's what friends are there for, to have a good cry with! I'm finding it quite difficult to be forgiving with some of these people and feel like I know where I stand with some people now and won't put as much effort in anymore.
Sorry - once I get started on a rant that's it!

Wowthishurtsalot · 21/10/2014 12:47

I've heard all these and more! People just don't know what to say to you really.

I personally hate the 'at least you already have one' and 'at least you can get pregnant' lines as well as 'lets hope the next ones a sticky one Eh!'

JUST SHUT UP!

And the latest thing is my hormones are all over the place causing issues in other parts of my body (recurrent migraines, infections etc) and now I have to be referred to a endocrinologist as a result. The comments about that?

'Oh dear perhaps you're just not meant to have any more' and 'I hope you're not still trying while all this is going on' well what do you think?