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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Original poster

The "helpful" things people say

58 replies

ImnotawitchImyourwife · 16/10/2014 10:24

Disclaimer: I know people are just trying to help and it must be difficult to know what to say, but my fifth successive miscarriage started yesterday and I'm fragile and angry and need to vent.

"At least it's happened very early this time"
OK, so it is going to be more straight forward and less physically painful this time, but this is my fifth in quick succession and with each one a little more of my hope reserves drip away. The emotional pain of the loss increases with each one.

"At least you get pregnant really easily. That's good isn't it?"
Seriously? Oh yes, it's brilliant. I feel truly blessed to have gone through five miscarriages (and don't forget the five sets of morning sickness) in less than a year. I can't remember the last time I felt well, but you're right, I'm so lucky, thanks for reminding me.

"But you have your DS and he's so lovely. If you never have another would that really be so bad?"
Oh great, now I feel guilty for not being satisfied with what I have. My desire for another child is in no way a comment on my DS not being good enough. He's wonderful, I adore him utterly and feel very lucky to have him, but he loves babies and I happen to think he'd make an awesome big brother.

"Chin up"/"Onwards and upwards"/"Worse things happen at sea"/"Just keep trying, you'll get there"/ (and my personal favourite) "Try not to worry"
Oh do fuck off.

What's wrong with a hug?

OP posts:
Flower29 · 21/10/2014 14:09

'You're just not meant to have anymore' !!! What is wrong with some people, how can they not think that comment is so hurtful and unnecessary. wowthishurtsalot I'm wondering how you managed to avoid telling them to F off!? Shock

thesmallbear · 21/10/2014 17:30

Flower29 I definitely think less of the people who say nothing at all. I told my mum I was pregnant just before a family meal and she basically made me announce it at the meal as she was so excited. Two cousins, my aunty, granddad etc were there. When I miscarried a week later, the only person who I got a text from was my aunty to say 'sorry about the baby.' Nothing from my cousins. I wouldn't really expect anything from my granddad being a man of a different generation.

My sister wasn't at the meal but my mum told her soon after and she sent me such an excited text message. After I lost the baby - nothing!

I know people don't know what to say. My aunty's text simply said 'sorry about the baby' and that's all you want really isn't it - some acknowledgement.

NeedaDiscoNap · 21/10/2014 17:41

I have had all of these. I hated "well, at least you know you can get pregnant" - I know it came from a good place but it made me feel so inadequate. Just can't stay pregnant, eh? Was what entered my my mind.

The worst one was when we had difficulties conceiving after my mc (when I got pregnant very easily and quickly) one friend said "still not pregnant disco? That's been ages since the last one."

I was apoplectic with rage at that one - the flippant tone, the use of 'last one', the throwaway nature of the comment and the stupidity - as if I hadn't thought 'hmmm, strange how it's taking me ages to get pregnant again...'

A very good friend gave me a massive hug and said she didn't know what to say because she couldn't imagine how painful it had been for me. I really appreciated that.

barkingtreefrog · 21/10/2014 21:06

I'd forgotten my favourite so far! Went to see a couple of school friends I hadn't seen for a while. One has 3 kids, the other 2, all aged between 5-14. Friend A asks B if she's going to have another - 'God no! Can you imagine having a 2 year old in your late 30's?!' . Friend A then turns to me. 'So, are you having any?'
I have always been in favour of the overshare and they won't prod any further method, so I merely responded with 'it helps if you're fertile' (by this point we'd been ttc 2.5 years and had had the first mc after fertility treatment). She laughed and said, 'Just the dog for you then!' Shock

Nursingdreams · 21/10/2014 21:28

I think death/loss is one of those subjects that people just tend to switch off their brains, I like to think people worry so much about upsetting you that they say the wrong thing anyway.
My DD was stillborn at 41+2 and two days after a colleague sent me a message saying I know how you feel my dog just died! We had a lot of it was obviously for the best and I was even told I was lucky as I could enjoy my maternity leave just sitting around and get paid for it!!

Leela5 · 22/10/2014 08:15

I've had the 'at least you know you can get pregnant' one so many times now.

Also at least it happened now rather than further down the line'. Um...ok. My baby still died however 'far along' it was.

My favourite was 'think positively, this one just wasn't meant to live'

Ahh...think POSITIVELY! That's what I was doing wrong! Thanks so much for pointing that out, I'll know for next time to send positive thoughts to my womb and all will be fine.

Sending you Flowers OP and all you other ladies. Having a mc is shore and all I wanted from people was a hug

Leela5 · 22/10/2014 08:16

Shore = shite stoopid autocorrect

thesmallbear · 22/10/2014 08:18

Nursingdreams - I am so angry for you right now. Seriously, what is wrong with these people! How dare they compare the death of your DD to a rudy dog.

And to say you're lucky to get your maternity leave without your baby!? Unbelievable! Dickheads! Angry

CecyHall · 22/10/2014 08:22

My worst was always 'you can try again for another'. I didn't want another at that time, I wanted the one I had and already had plans for and loved, it's not like just buying another goldfish or something.

twilightstruggle · 22/10/2014 08:24

right there with smallbear Shock

thesmallbear · 22/10/2014 08:25

I'm with you there CecyHall.When my friend phoned me after she found out what had happened, that was pretty much the first thing that she asked me. I was thinking 'bloody hell, I lost this baby about one second ago. Am I not allowed to grieve for this baby for at least 5 minutes before I even think about that sort of thing.'

Leela5 · 22/10/2014 08:26

Cecy I had that too and felt exactly the same :(

I loved my little bean

Flower29 · 22/10/2014 09:12

Nursingdreams I can't believe these people! You poor thing having to endure these mindless comments from retarded f**kwits! Angry
I'm really astounded by the lack of compassion (or perceived lack of care-by ignoring us) shown by those who are closest to us. I know many haven't suffered a mc themselves so would never truly understand the pain but before this happened to me I imagined it would be one of the worst things to happen in the world, and it is! Surely so many people can't feel that it is just one of those things and you just get over it?!
Witch thankyou so much for setting up this thread - I'm sure it's really helped all these ladies let off some steam which can be very hard to do in RL!

Allthefours · 22/10/2014 09:33

I can totally empathise with you all, can pretty much say I've had practically all of the comments everyone has mentioned.

I had my 2nd MC 8 weeks ago. I have told very few people this time. I did tell my best friend, who promptly came out with "something's trying to happen, can only be a good thing". And just yesterday I told my sister and happened to mention we hadn't told many people, her response was along the lines of "maybe it's best not to tell people and cope by yourself". Yeah, of course, crying myself to sleep because my baby has died and having no one to talk to is really helping me to cope.

MC is horrid, a colleague at work said to me after my first MC, that it doesn't matter what anyone says it will always be the wrong thing. She had been through a MC herself (at 20weeks) and was an absolute rock at the time.

Thanks Thanks to all.

TinyTear · 22/10/2014 09:47

the stupid people who say "at least you can get pregnant" really don't know that hyperfertility can be a bad thing... our wombs don't do some pre-selection...

I have had 5 mcs, one chemical and have 1 DD. now 15w after treatment... so heard a lot of things... sigh

FYCandTheGhostsOfNagsPast · 22/10/2014 09:53

At least you're young enough to try again

... I don't want a baby, I'm grieving this baby.

There was clearly something wrong with it, at least you didn't end up with a baby with something really wrong with it

Yes, of course, it's so much better that my baby is dead than disabled Hmm

(When in late pregnancy with new baby) You were carrying a lot of extra weight when you lost the baby, you're a lot more healthy now, that must have been a big relief for you in the early days, you know? Knowing you were less at risk?

My "lot of weight" meant I was a size 14 rather than my usual size 10. Since this one didn't catch me in abject grief I did point out that carrying the extra weight was in no way a factor in my MC, and that to suggest I was in any way at fault was very hurtful.

I wouldn't react like you, you've always been someone who likes to make tragedies out of things. I bet you'll even mark the anniversary! I would never do something like that

Oh childless relative, tell me some more about what you would do better than me, when you've never experienced anything like this.

*You're the only person in the whole extended family who has ever had a MC, so we're not really sure how to react."

Oh good. I'm glad I'm the only faulty one.

There's a few highlights. Most are from the same person. It's amazing I have anything to do with them. Also all from women, I think they felt they should be trying harder to sympathise regardless of ability.

thesmallbear · 22/10/2014 11:06

I wouldn't react like you, you've always been someone who likes to make tragedies out of things. I bet you'll even mark the anniversary! I would never do something like that

Rage at this! You did not make a tragedy out of this, it is a tragedy!

Ediemccreedy · 22/10/2014 11:23

My mother said when I told her about having a mc on holiday, " one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage". Thanks mum! Good to know!

FYCandTheGhostsOfNagsPast · 22/10/2014 11:43

Bear, I couldn't rage at the time, I was too shocked. She said it again on my due date and around the anniversary of my loss. I ignored.

Many years later she'll still hold it up as a way we are fundamentally different. I know she was wrong. I know my grief wasn't manufactured. It hurt to think that others thought I had nothing to be sad about, but that was their problem.

When she was pregnant many years later, she made a huge deal about saying to me how they weren't banking on it surviving, and expected a MC. As though my mistake had been to expect pregnancy to result in a baby Confused

People wonder why we're not closer!

Original poster
ImnotawitchImyourwife · 22/10/2014 13:25

Flowers to everyone who has had to endure not only their loss, but the insensitivity of people who seem to think they're helping. Some of these are truly shocking!

The people who seem to think it's appropriate to compare the loss of a baby to the death of a pet really give me the rage. My cat, who I had for 17 years, died inbetween MCs 4 and 5. Of course it was painful, but it was in an entirely different league. What is wrong with people?!

I'm glad to know some of you are finding it therapeutic to vent here, but just so sorry that you have had to live with this pain

OP posts:
Original poster
ImnotawitchImyourwife · 22/10/2014 13:34

I had "are you not finding it easier to cope with this one given you've already been through it a few times?" The other day. I just stared at her (while I attempted to scrape my jaw off the floor) until she realised she'd fucked up and said "sorry, that was a really stupid thing to say wasn't it?"

Yes. Yes it was.

OP posts:
FYCandTheGhostsOfNagsPast · 22/10/2014 14:00

Imnota, have lots of Thanks

I'm so sorry you have been through this so many times :( it's so bloody unfair.

I did have one reaction that will always touch me deeply. I didn't want to see anyone, I wanted to be alone. I live in the middle of nowhere, down a long drive. I heard an engine and looked out the window to see an old friend driving away.

When I opened my front door, there was the biggest bunch of flowers. No card. Just flowers.

It was perfect and thoughtful and meant an awful lot.

barkingtreefrog · 22/10/2014 18:35

fyc that's so lovely it brought a tear to my eye! (the flowers I mean!)

A friend sent me a crocheted rainbow on a keyring. It was lovely to know she was thinking of me ad had taken the time to make it. For all the entirely unwelcome comments, there are those people that shine through as well Smile.

thesmallbear · 22/10/2014 19:07

When I was at work one day, I received a phone call from the maternity place to ask why I hadn't turned up to my 16 week appointment. 'Erm, because I had a miscarriage you wankers!' I was just going about my day and hadn't even remembered my 16 week appointment was booked for that day. I had a good whinge about it to one of the women at work. When she came back from her lunch break she presented me with a bottle of wine. It was very much appreciated!

ttcc · 24/10/2014 18:41

First time writing, but after reading your posts about what you've all heard - and what I've heard so many times too, I thought this might be a place to find a bit of support and uplifting words. Miscarried in March at 9 weeks, again in July (pregnant one day, period the next...) I'm finding it so hard to feel normal again, especially as no success since. Also so hard to see friends who were pregnant at the same time having healthy babies (my due date was a few days ago) and although I wish them happiness etc, I find it unbearable. Finally plucked up the strength to ask GP for help and told waiting list for any kind of counselling is 3 months...