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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

how to help someone close to you

11 replies

Hopingforno2 · 21/08/2013 17:37

As Ive been lucky enough to not have gone through it im looking for advice on how to help a member of my family who currently is.

she found out this morning that her baby has no heartbeat at almost 10 weeks Sad she had seen one in a scan at around 6 weeks.

I know nothing I can say will help but not sure how I can/should support?

OP posts:
Bakingtins · 21/08/2013 17:49

Say how sorry you are and don't say anything to try to minimise the loss. The Miscarriage Association website has a leaflet for friends and family including a list of what not to say.
Offer some practical help e.g. Babysitting older children if needed, or offer to take her out somewhere in a few weeks time.
Take wine, family size bar of chocolate and trashy movie round.
Be there to listen if she wants to talk, and be aware that she may feel sad about this for a long time, and that bumps and newborns are likely to be difficult. If any of your family or friendship group are going to announce a pregnancy probably best to pre-warn her by text or email rather than spring it on her.
Make a note in your diary of her due date and the anniversary and send a card or supportive text on those dates. Everyone forgets and moves on very quickly, it means a lot if someone remembers.
Point her in the direction of a board like this one, and the Miscarriage Association site.

Vatta · 21/08/2013 18:31

Don't say-

  • anything about trying again
  • it's better the baby died now than being born disabled
  • at least you weren't far along
  • you could ebay your maternity clothes
  • you must be pleased you can drink again
  • anything much about anybody else's pregnancy/newborn
  • it probably wasn't the right time for a baby anyway.

Heard them all within a few days of my miscarriage, they didn't help.

The friend who was the best has asked me regularly how I am, has listened when I wanted to talk, and has only ever expressed sadness that my baby died.

I can see why people try to be comforting/encouraging, but honestly I just needed to grieve my baby for a while. I found any attempt to minimise or gloss over things very upsetting.

The miscarriage association website is really good.

Original poster
Hopingforno2 · 21/08/2013 19:11

Thanks bakingtins and vatta for your advice I just feel a bit useless(which is obv nothing compared to what she is going through) and as stupid as it sounds just wish I could ease her pain even if its just a bit Sad

OP posts:
2beornot · 21/08/2013 21:44

Talk about it. Remember that the miscarriage is everything that is going on in her life at the moment so ask her how she is, talk about the miscarriage, let her cry and give her lots of cuddles. Recognise that she's not grieving for an 8wk foetus but for the life she had imagined for that little one.

Oh and what vatta said. Esp about alcohol (which was the last thing I wanted) and trying again (again DH going anywhere near my vagina was the last thing I wanted!)

Original poster
Hopingforno2 · 21/08/2013 22:40

2beornot thank you I really didnt know if I should keep talking about it Sad if she isn't talking about it what should I do? I thought wait till she does? Im heartbroken for her, the baby had grown from 1st early scan where they seen the heartbeat and she had to go back due to bleeding but she can't remember much of what was said and her oh is in bits too.Sad

OP posts:
2beornot · 21/08/2013 22:43

Obv if she doesn't want to talk then that's fine but just let her know you're there and willing to talk. Maybe a text at some point in the day that just says thinking of you. It doesn't need a response and let's her know you're there for her.

Original poster
Hopingforno2 · 21/08/2013 22:46

Thanks 2beornot I will do I was actually just thinking of srnding a txt as I go to bed

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confettiwoman · 28/08/2013 12:00

Not sure if you still want any advice, but coming from a first time miscarrier, just stay in touch. Spending days at home, alone, are the worst, as your mind wanders and you end up a hormal teary mess. Also, no flowers. They're only going to die, and its a start reminder when we're already fragile, in mind and body. One friend popped round with chocolate, which is probably the best thing (for me at least), as i'm not eating properly, so to have something to nibble on it was quite nice. Another friend asked if i could help with some wedding prep for her. She brought some materials round and asked me to try and experiment with some sewing of corsages. I can't say they were perfect, but it is keeping my mind and hands busy whilst i watch re-runs of Homes Under the Hammer and Murder She Wrote.
In all, be there for your friend. Tea and Biscuits.

Original poster
Hopingforno2 · 28/08/2013 12:41

Thanks confetti have seen her over the weekend and txt every day. She has a dc who is keeping her busy. I think she is having a ercp is a card ok?or inappropriate?

im so sorry for everyones losses Sad

OP posts:
confettiwoman · 28/08/2013 12:55

I'd say no to a card. Personally i wouldn't want to put a card up as every time i'd see it, it would be yet another reminder. A genuine (but gentle) hug is much better.

Original poster
Hopingforno2 · 28/08/2013 16:57

Thanks confetti was unsure as id seen some on a wrbsite that seems to do all sorts cards, jewellery etc just the biggest bar of galaxy I can find then

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