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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Should I send flowers?

27 replies

NarkyNamechanger · 12/08/2013 18:38

Dsil had a miscarriage a few months ago and it is now coming up to the due date. She is also my best friend and I'm one of only a few people who even knew. We still talk about it and I know she still remembers her due date.
I'd love her to know I haven't forgotten either and that I'm thinking of her on that day (and every day) but would sending flowers be too much? Something I should leave to dbil to do? A private day between just them?
I've never had a MC so unsure on feelings here.

OP posts:

Bakingtins · 12/08/2013 19:24

I think the fact you've remembered will mean a lot to her. Whether flowers is too much depends on her really - I think any gesture that says you appreciate it's going to be a tough day is lovely.

Fisharefriendsnotfood · 12/08/2013 19:25

Flowers die though.. Might be not the best. Cake??

weebarra · 12/08/2013 19:28

I recently sent flowers to my friend on the birthday of the baby she lost at 22 weeks last year. She liked the flowers but I think it's just important that people remember.

CMOTDibbler · 12/08/2013 19:30

I think a text or a card to say 'thinking of you today' would be lovely, but flowers might be a bit much.
I'd have appreciated anyone thinking of my due dates though

Hellonewworld · 12/08/2013 19:32

I think it is a lovely idea and thoughtful to send her something, I probably wouldn't choose flowers though. I would do something nice with her to mark the memory.

rootypig · 12/08/2013 19:32

Definitely let her know you've remembered. Flowers can be a bit funereal if sent in sympathy, I think - a thoughtful handwritten card from a friend always cheers me.

Quodlibet · 12/08/2013 19:36

I agree it will mean a lot that you've remembered. How about a rose or another plant she could plant out somewhere?

girlsyearapart · 12/08/2013 19:36

After my friend went for her 12 week scan to find the baby had died I sent flowers.
Dh thought I was weird but she and her husband both thought it was lovely & were touched.

I sent a text on the due date to say I was thinking of her

Weegiemum · 12/08/2013 19:37

My best friend sent flowers on the due date of my 3rd m/c (only one she knew of, no one but dh knew of the others).

I was by then 6m pg with ds, but those flowers meant such a lot to me, I can't explain it. More in many ways than the ones I got when he was born.

Do what you think your friends would like.

DevonCiderPunk · 12/08/2013 19:54

Yes do send something, it's a lovely thought & she will be so touched that you remembered. It sounds like your relationship is close enough for you to judge what she'd like. If you do plump for flowers, go for something non-funereal though, maybe sunflowers or gerbera? Oh and don't forget to mention her DP - Dads can feel a bit left out, I find.

minimumeffort · 12/08/2013 19:58

Coming up to the due date of a miscarriage I suffered at 13 weeks, I would be really touched by someone sending flowers so please do.

Original poster

NarkyNamechanger · 12/08/2013 20:27

Thank you all, you've raised some points I wouldn't have thought of.

I know she loves receiving flowers and the 'non funeral' flowers is a good call, I'll do that along with a nice card and note inside. Def won't leave BIL out. She may even be pregnant again by then (about 6 weeks to go) but I know they'll still be thinking of the baby she lost.

OP posts:

DevonCiderPunk · 12/08/2013 22:25

Well done

greeneone12 · 15/08/2013 15:20

I think you are a very good friend and I would definitely appreciate my friend remembering.

DinoSnores · 15/08/2013 21:29

I would love that. Friends sent us flowers on DD1's due date. It did make me cry but not in a bad way. I was really touched.

MsCatShoes · 17/08/2013 17:05

I've just given a little lavender bush to a friend on her due date - it smells lovely and can be planted out.

shabbatheGreek · 17/08/2013 17:09

A friend sent me, two big packs of forget-me-not seeds on the first anniversaries of the deaths of my two sons. I planted them and now every year we are overrun with the beautiful flowers that bloom.

A card just saying thinking about you.....any gesture will be, I am sure, gratefully received. Just knowing that other people are thinking about you is very comforting. xx

PeriodMath · 17/08/2013 17:35

Well, everyone's different...but...I had a mc a while ago and two people sent me flowers.

I hated them. One bunch was quite pretty so I left them in the kitchen but the other was an orchid with foliage around the base (wreath-style) and just looked so sad and, yes, funereal that I immediately binned it. It probably cost a lot too but I just found it hideously upsetting to look at. It was accompanied by a note that was so dramatic and unnecessary in tone and full of cliche. I know the person meant well but I'm just giving you my reaction.

Flowers die. So did the baby.

When a friend had a mc shortly after, I sent chocolates from a very posh shop. The note said "Thinking of you". There is nothing else to say.

PeriodMath · 17/08/2013 17:40

Sorry, just seen that your SIL's mc was a while ago and you are looking to mark the due date. She's probably feeling less sensitive by now. Only you know how she would react. Personally I wouldn't do anything other than mention it verbally if you feel she'd appreciate that.

They might be trying again, might already be pregnant or having further difficulties, you can't be sure. I know I didn't mark the due date, it didn't feel significant to me - perhaps because by then I was pg again. But everyone's different. I know some people do make more of it.

Original poster

NarkyNamechanger · 19/08/2013 15:09

She's had another mc this past week. :(

Not sure what to do now...

OP posts:

rootypig · 19/08/2013 15:15

Oh the poor woman. I would offer to go round if she needs to talk and cry, or even just company for a night of TV on the sofa.

rootypig · 19/08/2013 15:16

Sorry, posted too soon. I would still mark the use date but just with a note or card.

rootypig · 19/08/2013 15:16

*due date

PeriodMath · 19/08/2013 15:21

I really would not make anything of the due date, especially in light of second mc. Leave it to them to deal with in their own way. Just make sure she knows she can talk about if she wants - which she may not.

HorryIsUpduffed · 19/08/2013 15:21

"Thinking of you" text. Acknowledge that she's suffering.

Definitely not flowers.

Take her dinner?

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