lost baby girl at 28 weeks last week can't cope

[coco2303]

I have previously had 3 miscarriages so when I got past the 'danger' zone I was so looking forward to meeting my daughter.however I went for a scan last wednesday to find that there was no heartbeat.she was then born on friday 10th august.the funeral is next week and eventhough I want to say my proper goodbye my emotions are up and down at the moment and I keep crying I can't help it.I have always known I wanted to be a mother now I am but without my baby.I'm finding it reall hard to cope with.I anyone has suffered the same loss please help me know how to deal with this xx

Oh coco, I am so so sorry for your incredible loss

I havnt been through it myself but I have been with my best friend who lost her littler girl at 20 weeks, and I understand the pain and the grief. What is her name?

Please be kind to yourself in the upcoming few weeks - I am always here to hand hold if need be. Keep posting and God bless you x

oh coco, I am so sorry for your loss

I am sure your daughter was very beautiful - what was her name?

the bereavment thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1495278-Love-like-starlight-never-dies-In-loving-memory-of-all-our-darling-children-gone-too-soon

do have someone with you at the moment?

I lost my daughter at 23 weeks, she was lived for just over an hour. When it happened my heart was broken, and I just could not see any point of carrying on, I was devastated. I went on to have 3 further mc. It was so painful at the time, but I just kept going, I think the hope of having a baby kept me going - the alternative didn't bare thinking about. 9 years on, I have three healthy children aged 5, 3 and 2. You will recover from the pain, it will be slow and difficult at times, but time really will heal you. I never forget my first daughter Emma, she is always with me, but I have been able to experience happiness since I lost her even though at first i thought I never ever would again. I too remember asking if I was a Mum, I had given birth to a daughter, but I had no Baby to hold. I remember the longing to hold my Baby was like a physical ache.

You will be OK x

I havent been in your shoes myself but wanted you to know there are people up and reading your post. There are lots of fantastic people on here who will understand exactly what you're going through and be able to give you loads of support dealing with the loss of your little girl.

Have you been in touch with Sands? They really helped my friend and his wife when their baby died..

So sorry that this has happened to you and your daughter. Lots of love to you and your family x

I hope that this doesn't come across as insensitive, and it is hard to put into words. My baby was born alive, and died in the arms of a midwife ( complicated v. long story ) I feel sad that she went through that trauma, the shock of the sudden cold air and bright light etc. In a way, I wish that she had slipped away whilst still in my womb ( as your baby did ) rather than experience the shock of the birth. I wish she had died before she was born.

Just wondering if you can take any small comfort from that, she died peacefully in the warmth of your womb. Hope that wasn't insensitive.

Oh recall

That made me cry. I don't think that was insensitive at all. xx

Recall I do understand what you are saying that is also so sad what was your babies name?and my daughters name is phoenix.phoenix is the bird of fire and represents strength new start and a new beginning.in october last year I went through a traumatic time that I don't need to get into now.and phoenix gave me a reason to go on.she was a suprise but a lovely one.and tante rose I am lucky that I have a wonderful family and friends me and my mom got her footprints,name and date of birth tattooed the other day.my partner is coping in his own way by blocking it out.he hasn't seen our daughter and I don't know whether he will be attending the funeral let alone help with organising it which I am finding hard.I'm not angry at him for this as everybody deals with things in there own way but I don't want to be the only one to remember our daughter.I'm also worried that if he doesn attend the funeral he will refret it later.

{{{coco}}}

I am glad that you have your family round you at such a devastating time

phoenix is a beautiful name

I don't know what to advise about your DP although I agree that he might regret it if he doesn't go to the funeral.
Does he have family/friends who could perhaps persuade him to attend?

please take care of yourself xx

His mom has spoken to him and they are so alike they just end up arguing.I just don't know where my head is at the moment all I am focusing on is getting the funeral sorted.and I really want to put my daughter to rest but I am so scared about after the funeral as there will be nothing to keep me busy and the funeral is the final goodbye it makes it really real then.I can't sleep I have to force myself to eat.and eventho I wasn't lucky enough to see her open her eyes I used to talk to her all the time.and I have to stop muyself from rubbing my belly and talking too her.I gave birth to a beautiful daughter but instead of people bringing me flowers and cards of congratulations I'm getting sympathy cards and concerned looks.not what you expect when you find out your pregnant and get all the way to 7 months.I just don't know.I am 22 now and eventhough I am not old she just seemed to complete my life.I would love to be a mommy but the thought of trying again now terrifies me.

His mom has spoken to him and they are so alike they just end up arguing.I just don't know where my head is at the moment all I am focusing on is getting the funeral sorted.and I really want to put my daughter to rest but I am so scared about after the funeral as there will be nothing to keep me busy and the funeral is the final goodbye it makes it really real then.I can't sleep I have to force myself to eat.and eventho I wasn't lucky enough to see her open her eyes I used to talk to her all the time.and I have to stop muyself from rubbing my belly and talking too her.I gave birth to a beautiful daughter but instead of people bringing me flowers and cards of congratulations I'm getting sympathy cards and concerned looks.not what you expect when you find out your pregnant and get all the way to 7 months.I just don't know.I am 22 now and eventhough I am not old she just seemed to complete my life.I would love to be a mommy but the thought of trying again now terrifies me.

Oh coc I'm so sorry to read your story. I lost my DS2 at 35 weeks in April - like you, everything had been going well then one day there was just no more heartbeat. Thomas was born on 22 April. I already have one DS, aged 2.5, and had a mmc at 13 weeks before him.

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Sadly, this happens to more people than I everrealised. It's a horrible, horrible thing, but it does get a little easier with time. The lovely ladies on the Rainbow babies thread have helped me, and when you're ready I'm sure they'd love to help you too. I found a lot of comfort in knowing I'm not alone, and knowing there is a future after this.

I'd really try to convince your DP to go to the funeral if you can. When I found out I'd lost Thomas, I thought I wouldn't want to see him or hold him and I'm so glad I did, as I got to see my perfect little boy. His funeral was the sadest day of my life but even though it was hard at the time I'm glad I went to say goodbye.

Amyboo thankyou for your message and sorry to hear of your loss :(. it is true the more people I talk to the more I realise that this sad experience has happened to a lot of people.its just really upsetting and its hard to know what you are feeling.I am trying to keep busy but eventhough I went through labour and have seen phoenix the whole thing still hasn't set in yet.I never got a chance to say a proper hello and now I am preparing to say goodbye.the messages I have received have made me feel more positive and I thank everyone for taking the time to respond.if you guys still have the time your support would be greatly appreciated.xx

That's terrible :(. I'm 18 and lost my little boy Riley at 23 weeks on April 6th this year and miscarried again today at 8. When I lost riley I looked up quotes and poems which reminded me of him maybe that will help you? After his funeral we went away to blackpool for the weekend and plan on going there every year around his due date... maybe you could do that? Sorry im chatting rubbish I'm just tryin to help. It's been 4 months and its still hard it doesn't get easier, you have good and bad days... im being truthful. Stay strong much love your way x

Coco, Riley - how devastating. I am so sorry. I wish I had more words.

It's horrid to hear about others going through it and not coping breaks my heart. I didn't find out through a scan with riley. I was bleeding heavy I had an infection in my placenta and my cervix were weak so I dilated quickly but my labour was still 36hours. He was still alive but they had to break my waters or I could of feel seriously ill and worse I could of died. When you fall pregnant you don't think you will be put in a life threatening decision. I really hope you have all the support you need!

Riley it is so so sad and its not you talking rubbish about blackpool all I want to do is get away.not to forget but to just breathe uno.nothing prepeares you for this either.u get pregnant and ur excited but u wait for that 12 week scan and when that's fine you relax an get more excited,then your 16 week scan when that's ok your like 'yes this is really happening'.you think you can get pregnant amd have this beautiful baby at the end of it.and my daughter is beautiful she looks like her daddy :).but it breaks my heart that I have been given a beautiful little one and she has been snatched away too early xx

My little boy looked like his daddy too :). Just think she's at peacr and didnt have to go through pain. I know its hard but it helps Riley looked so peaceful when he was born which made it that little bit easier. Hope you get through this. x

I'm so sorry, coco. There are threads for those of us who have suffered stillbirth and/or the loss of a son or daughter in childhood.

Our 9-year-old daughter died of leukaemia on 7 July.

My heart goes out to you.

Sorry, in the bereavement section.

Search for the poem little snowdrop.

I had it at my dd's funeral and it really did bring me some comfort.

Perhaps someone can find it (I'm on my phone)

Massive hugs to you X

My heart hurts for you..sending massive hugs your way..xx

Im so sorry for your loss. My son died at 18wks 6yrs ago and not a day goes by that I don't think about him.

When it happened I felt numb and in shock. The grief was so strong my left hand side of my body ached for months. I am still unsure how I got through it but I did. My dh shut off like your has. It made it Very hard. He eventually broke when I just couldn't cope with it anymore and snapped at him. Not the healthiest way but it opened up the conversation.

It's very common for men to switch into practical mode at times of grief. This can make it seem impossible to cope with.

I'm fairly sure that you will learn to live with the loss of Phoenix. She will never be forgotten and she shouldn't be.

Congratulations on your daughter, she is still amazing even if she's not with you physically she will always be in your heart

Advice in scotland I have read the little snowdrop poem and couldn't stop my eyes from crying it is beautiful.and thankyou everyine for your messages.cupcake thankyou for actually saying congratulations on my daughter it sounds silly but that is something nice to hear.sorry for your loss.I hope my partner can talk about it like yours did.I know people deal with greif differently but it does make it harder.in every other way he is great he holds me when I'm upset and he seems to always want comfort from me like hugs and everything I just hope this is the first step.xxx

So sorry op to hear this sad news about your baby. My daughter was stillborn last year at 36 weeks and I've had two early miscarriages since. The early months are so hard, its so hard to function with out crying or feeling like your heart is being ripped out.

My husband and I went away for a week a few days after, and it was the best thing we ever did. It helped us reconnect, to talk about our baby with out other people getting in the way. Also we were able to laugh with out thinking people would think we were strange.

I think your DH will regret not coming to the funeral but it has to be his desicion to go. Maybe you should go away for a couple of days, so that you can both talk.

Hugs to you, be gentle with yourself and your DH, and let the grief carry you.

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful little girl Coco. My heart goes out to you. It is such a difficult time for you right now.

We lost our little boy Daniel in July, at 23 weeks and are just coming to terms with it. In terms of coping, although i am a private person I find it helpful to be open with family, friends and colleagues about our little boy. I don?t say much, but I do tell people about him and I find it helpful when people know about him and acknowledge our loss. I also think it is helpful to have something to look forward to; we are planning a holiday somewhere warm after we meet the consultant to discuss the post-mortem. I think it helpful to have positive experiences in the midst of our sadness. We don?t talk much at all about our little boy, maybe we should talk more.., but my DH is not a great talker in general, so i think it?s ok for us. DH is very supportive and caring through his actions, and i think he is sad but ok. I do talk a lot to my Dsis though, and find that very helpful. So maybe it is important to have one person very close to you that you can talk to about everything, even if it is not DH or DP.

Big hug to you Coco. I am thinking of you now and over the next few days. xxx