Missed miscarriage limbo land..support/your stories please

[LittleMissSnowShine]

Hi all,

I should be 10 weeks pregnant but I went for my booking in scan y'day and me and DH were devestated to hear that baby had stopped developing at about 8 weeks and there was no heartbeat.

I have a 23 month old and although I had hyperemesis when I was pg with him I didn't have bleeding or anything. This time round I was crippled with nausea very early on and my friend who is an obstetrician sneaked me in for an early scan. I have irregular cycles and with DS I wasn't too sure of my dates but this time round it was very much planned and I knew when we had DTD etc and I'd seen some very faint implantation bleeding right before I got my BFP. So when I went for the early scan 3 weeks ago I knew I should have been just over 7 weeks but the baby was only measuring at 6+1 so I was a bit concerned but there was a nice clear heartbeat which was lovely to see.

3 or 4 days after that scan I started to bleed, but it was very light, no cramping, no clots or anything like that so hospital just told me to stay off my feet, be careful, take it easy etc and hopefully everything would be fine. This continued for about 10 days but never got heavier and I never got cramps, and then it pretty much stopped so I had convinced myself everything would be ok - my boobs are still really sore and I'm still crippled with morning sickness. I feel like I should have just gone into the early pregnancy unit for a scan but since I had already seen the heartbeat and I had one booked for y'day I just told myself to try and hope for the best and have faith that it would all work out.

But y'day...no heartbeat :( :( :(

I have to go back on Monday for a second ultrasound just to confirm and then they will probably give me tablets to move things along, but right now I'm just in limbo land. I'd already just about got a small bump and my hair is looking all huge and thick, and I'm still so queasy but I'm just waiting for the heavy bleeding to start.

I'm so sad this has happened and I'm worried that my irregular cycles might make it tricky to ttc again soon, and most of all I'm afraid that all this upset and upheaval is going to affect DS - he doesn't really understand what's happening obviously but he knows something is going on. My friends, family and work colleagues are all being so lovely and supportive but I just feel at a loss - I don't know what to be doing with myself, I'm trying to stay positive and keep my mind off it since I have no control over what has happened but then I feel guilty for trying to get on with things. And of course there's also a teeny tiny irrational part of me that won't give up all hope (even though there is no hope) until after my second scan to confirm things on Monday so that's making me feel really up and down too.

Has anyone else been through this? Or is going through this at the min? How on earth did you cope / are you coping?

Thanks for your advice / experience / expertise x

Thank you all :) I'm really struggling to accept it, I would accept it if I could still see the baby and it hadn't got a heartbeat and visibly hadn't aged for the past few weeks, but because it literally wasn't there I keep thinking they might have missed it? And then I see stories online about people who were told they have MMC and the baby was either a blighted ovum (which this can't be due to having seen the baby and HB) or it had been "absorbed" which is usually accompanied by the sac stopping growing, which mine hasn't, they said it was the right size for 11 weeks. But these stories say they refused the surgery and medical intervention and then a healthy baby with heartbeat was found at 14 weeks.

I finally decided to stop feeling silly and just ask for another scan, so I've got one booked for Tuesday morning, which gives me plenty of time to bleed it all out if it is miscarriage. I honestly don't know if I'll believe it if they say the same thing and the sac is still there and growing.

It makes me feel silly though, because I know I'm probably just in denial and clinging to any hope I can get my hands on... I kept thinking, "I'm an intelligent woman, I should not be thinking these things!" But I know intelligence isn't part of it, it's just desperation, hormones and hopefully a bit of correct intuition... I do still feel so pregnant and apart from the spotting don't feel particularly like I'm going to lose a baby any time soon.

I had to think long and hard about my options though as my initial thought was ERPC but now I would rather let nature take its course, just in case. What has everyone else decided to do?

Until I was actually told, after my ERPC, that I miscarried I still kept telling myself it might be on, even though I had passed clots the size of my hand . You don't want to give up, you want to be THAT story of hope that you read about. I was told to a pregnancy test two weeks after, and I even thought if it was positive that maybe something had survived, and was still growing, I am supposed to be an intelligent woman but I still tried to deceive myself.

I meant ok, not on.

babylann to answer your question, I started spotting in morning of Sunday 24th june, had worst of the pain and bleeding on Tuesday 26th late evening and bled for ten days in total. Period returned this Monday, 23rd, which is about right as my cycle is usually around 24 days.

I don't want I get too excited about this fertile period, as I got pregnant last time in the first month of trying, and look how that ended up. At the same time though I think the quicker I can get pregnant the quicker I can get over this mc. I would definitely like to be at least 12 weeks preg by my due date , iywim.

Absolutely cheeseandmushroomtoastie, I understand that. I also think 12 weeks by due date would be best, ideally 14+ though for more security as I don't think 12 weeks will feel safe for me now I've found out about mmc at 11 weeks.

Yesterday I thought the idea of TTC again was something I could never consider, at least not for a long long time, I couldn't see myself wanting to risk feeling this bad again... But then today I spoke to DP and said that I know you're supposedly super fertile after MC and that it would probably help us get over the mc to have a new pregnancy to look forward to...

I can't imagine how terrified I will be for the first 12 weeks though. And I thought I was careful this time, having given up smoking, not touching even a drop of alcohol in the "2ww", focusing on having a healthy diet, going for regular walks with DD, etc. I know there was nothing I did wrong, but I can only imagine next time I'm going to be even more obsessed with having the perfect pregnancy, probably avoiding penetrative sex and obsessively washing my hands etc.

Anyway, things have changed since my last message. Pain has begun in my lower abdomen and pelvis since the start of the Olympics and I've started to feel like I've got very strong period pains which I'm not used to, I usually had light and relatively painless periods. I feel so bad at the moment that I think I wouldn't believe them even if they did find a baby on the scan on Tuesday. I also don't feel so pregnant as I didn't cry at the Olympics ceremony which I normally would, despite the lack of particularly tear jerking moments, I usually cry at any gathering of people when I'm pregnant, and I know the flames spectacle at the end would have set me off.

Saving my one and only remaining cocodamol for a middle of the night wake up in agony type scenario so going pain relief free at the moment, and will have to get DP to go out and buy more in the morning if I am going to feel like this (or worse) in the immediate future. Fffffff it hurts.

Sorry to hear you are in pain babylann - I hope you had an ok night.

(TMI alert) In terms of what to expect - I asked / read up about this and found it helped to feel more prepared, so here is my experience in case that helps you. I have had three 'sessions' of it, the first 20 mins and I passed the sac and a bit of blood; the second was about 4 hours it was v heavy, mixed with lots of clots (lining of womb i think). It hurt more than I expected, somewhere between contractions and period pains and i took paracetemol, ibroprofen and a glass of wine (!). The third and i hope final, was about 5 hours and the same again. I was shocked at how much blood I lost. In between the bleeding has been quite light. The doctor said it wil start to turn brown rather than red when it is finishing.

Although it is awful, I do feel better having moved out of what littlemiss describes as limbo. Like you, I don't feel so pregnant anymore.

Babylann - how are you feeling now? Im exactly the same as you, holding on to hope even though I dont think I have any realistic reason to :( wish i could start cramping or bleeding or something just so i could really accept it...

Fidget / cheese - wow thats serious clotting, thanks for preparing me im not even spotting at the min so i hadnt really thought about the practicalities of what it will be like if things start happening before i can go in for a d&c

Only strange thing i've had is cramping way up high under.my.rib cage. Its not very sore but it is noticeable, i had it much later in my pg with DS, not sure what it might mean to have pain there while you're waiting to miscarry.but if anyone has any ideas let me know. Going to phone midwife today and see what the timeline is likely to be - after I have the second depressing scan on Mon morning i'd like to have the d&c done asap, because i've already had nearly a week in limbo land and I dont think it would be great for my mental health to have to go through another one but im dreading hearing them say there'll be another wait on Monday...

Thank you for the info FidgetPie, I had read some things about it when I first started bleeding to prepare myself for that eventuality, and it terrified me at the time. "Worst pain I've ever felt", "Worse than labour", "Felt like someone was cutting me with a knife" were some of the things which stuck in my head. The pains went away again overnight which confused me when I woke up, and the bleeding never increased enough to think "it's time", it was only the pain which made me think it was definitely the end. I'm scared of passing my sac - it's an 11 week sac (they said at the scan) so I'm guessing it's going to be pretty big unless it starts breaking down inside me. I read one woman said she was still traumatised by seeing her sac come out, and I know I would be too. One consolation is that I definitely won't see a baby.

LittleMiss, I'm sorry to hear I'm not the only one grasping on to hope. It's so horrible that we have to go through this - that it's not just one way or the other. I'd never really known what "mmc" stood for, I'd thought it was "multiple miscarriage" - it never crossed my mind that you could lose the baby without the miscarriage coming at the same time. What an awful time it is for us all, the waiting and wondering, and secretly hoping... I sent this message to DP yesterday, detailing chronologically the range of emotions I've been through since I had my first bit of bleeding on Tuesday.

"Shock, fear, waiting, confirmation, anger, devastation, mourning, waking, remembering, wondering, denying, investigation, hoping, confusion"

Anyway, I had to go to the GP yesterday to get antibiotics for a chest infection so that, if we re scan and there's definitely no baby, the surgery option is possible. Starting to wonder whether they're what caused the cramping last night as after checking, DP quickly found a website which says they're safe for use in pregnancy but will cause "braxton hicks and intestinal cramping". So I'm no closer to losing hope that I was yesterday.

Babylann - im still in the same boat as i've been in last few days, no bleeding, no cramping. Mostly just want stuff to happen now, feel like my whole life has been on hold, first with.the sickness/nausea, then the shock of there being no heartbest on tues and now the seemingly endless, anxious wait to see how things are going to play out. The whole thing is just draining and i know everything else is going to the wall so i've been really just making an effort to spend loads of time with and give loads of reassurance to DS while this is happening. Hope our hospital appts next week bring us either the miracles we're tentatively hoping for or at least some closure

I've been torturing myself with the Doppler all night, I'm sure I wouldn't hear anything even if a baby was there at this stage, I'm so stupid!
I know what you mean about wanting something to happen so you can move on, the waiting and wondering is just dreadful!
Dd was too young to understand I was pregnant luckily, no matter how many times I told her she would just say "no not yet" so I guess I'm lucky there!
Good luck with your appointment, I both dread it and look forward to finality.

Oh babylann - my heart goes out to you.

When is you next appointment? it worth ringing the Early Pregnancy Unit and asking if you can come in sooner. I'm sure if you explain they can scan / see you again.

Big hugs xx

Sorry you had a tough night babylann - i've stayed away from the doppler but i know how tempting it is :(

Still no cramping/bleeding but i've got a spot on my chin and although im still feeling queasy its def not as bad as it would have been a week ago so my guess is that my hormone levels are finally catching up to what has happened. Might not actually hsppen before i hav early preg unit appt on mon morning but i dont think it'll be far behind.

Hows everyone else doing this morning? Treating myself to.a coffee and five mins of trashy tv before i hav to get back to packing up house ahead of our move on fridax. Never rains but it pours...

babylann, littlemiss my heart goes out to you both still in limbo, it really is awful.

Fidget how are you now? When have you got to go back for another scan?

I have my second scan tomorrow which I am also dreading but looking forward to in a way so hopefully that will be the end of it. I think I am scared though that then everyone will expect me just to 'get on with things', which I managed to do for a couple of days, but today I have woken up so emotional and can't stop crying. I thought I was fine, but maybe not so much. I guess it will take time to get through this.

Thinking of you all x

Orange - sorry to hear you're feeling down but of course its perfectly natural to feel like that. Im kind of the opposite, i feel like i need to keep busy or i'll be in.pieces. Hang in there, my appt is at 11 and i really hope they can do a d&c for me 2moro or tues so i stop torturing myself that its all a mistake. let us know how u get on

hi all. so sorry to hear what you're all going through but wanted to offer my sympathy and a little hope.

i went through this 5 yrs ago. whilst i remember it like yesterday it really does get easier. i was 14 wks but baby had stopped growing just after my 12 wk scan.

i was in that horrible waiting limbo for a week but nothing happened so i has tablets. i felt like i still needed to 'give birth' to my baby. when i did mc in hospital it hurt but i felt relieved. the hospital arranged a joint crematorial service after which really helped too.

afterwards i went on holiday and within 4 months was expecting dd (now 4). i was very nervous throughout my pg but dd and dd2 are proof that theres always hope after a mmc.

all the best with what you're going through now but you will get through it and hopefully all be expecting spring/summer babes soon (from a june baby its a lovely time to have your birthday) x

Us poor things... It breaks my heart, and I feel so sad that women everywhere go through this all the time. I heard one woman say she's coming back as a man in her next life for what she's been through. If reincarnated I certainly think we deserve it!

I had a horrible night, I didn't get to sleep until after 6. Started getting bad pains before midnight that were just like the relentless contractions I got after being induced with dd, boom boom boom, no break between. Back then I thought it was unmanageable but at least I had and end goal to be excited about, this time it is the
Most horrible pain and nothing to make it feel worthwhile. The pains finally started to slow down in frequency at 5 am and I managed to get to sleep about 6.30. Only passed a few clots though so I know it's not the end and that terrifies me... I can't wait til weds for my surgery and think I'll ring epu today and ask if tomorrow is a possibility. I wanted a scan first but don't know if that's worth it anymore. :(

Im sorry babylann :( Maybe early preg unit will let u go in for a scan this evening - i hope they do, even just so u know whats going on. Had to go out and pick up some boxes, bags etc for our house move ans nipped into Boots to pick up some more folic acid tabs so i can get started on these again next week and there were 2 pg ladies, talking about how their booking scans had gone and how excited they were to be having babies in jan/feb and i could have wept :( i kbow how lucky i am to have DS but i was so excited to be having no. 2 and now im just waiting to go into hospital 2moro for most depressing scan imaginable.

Mumnos - tx for your support, really nice to hear that life goes on after something like this and so pleased you went on to have your 2 DDs

babylann you poor thing that sounds terrible - did you manage to get through to the epu? Hope they can see you sooner.

It is good to hear positive stories, thanks.

littlemiss my scan is at 11 tomorrow too - will think of you x

Remembered that because my chest infection can't have the op til I've taken the antibiotics so wouldn't be able to have the surgery anyway. Will be thinking of you tomorrow x

littlemiss and orange - I hope your scans go ok this morning - I'm thinking of you both.

My scan is Weds at 2pm. My bleeding is getting lighter which I hope is a good sign.

We are trying to plan some nice things for the coming month or so, so have bought some Paralympics tickets and some pretty wall stickers to decorate DD's room a bit. I am determined I don't want this past week to be the main thing I remember from summer 2012 (think I have moved into the 'angry' phase at the moment!).

Thinking of you too. And good luck with your scan Wednesday fidgetpie.

Another bad night for me, at worst I thought I was going to faint or be sick it was so bad. Going to call epu today no matter what, they can check my chest and see whether I'm good enough for the op cause I can't risk this again.

Orange - thsnks, thinking of u too. Today will prob be difficult but Hopefully this extra fertile boost after mc will work for us and I'll be seeing you on a due summer 2013 thread soon :)

Fidget - i feel like that too, prob why im so determined to push ahead with house move and i'm going on a friend's hen night this Fri too. If im not pg again by oct im thinking teletext holidays last min break in the sun at halloween - at least feeling angry keeps us energised!

Babylann - sorry to hear u had another tough night :( hope epu can help you out today. I feel like a fraud when.everyone else has been having such a hard time - if it hadnt been for my scan last week i would still have no idea anything was wrong but at least bleeding and pain would make it a bit more 'real' for me. Really hope things improve for you

Good luck to those with scans this week. Thinking of you all

Well no.miracle at the scan this morning but good news is that even.though the bleeding has been so light for me the actual baby is gone, which means it has been mostly reabsorbed and thats a nice thought for me because he or she will always be a part of me. Since its really just sac and placenta left they have booked me in for a d&c in the morning. Saddest bit was when midwife explained to me that the hospital sends all fetal tissue to a local crematorium that has a garden of remembrance for babies - a friend of mine had a stillbirth not long before DS and she had the funeral there and we visited the garden of remembrance then so i could picture it clearly when midwife explained it and I got quite tearful about that. But feeling calmer now and i had said my goodbyes to the baby last week when there was no heartbeat so hearing that its little body has gone now just felt like the final stage of saying goodbye and now im just looking forward to the d&c part all being over.

Hope everyone else is doing ok x

Littlemiss glad you managed to get a bit of closure today at your scan even if it wasn't miracle news. That's a nice sentiment that the baby will be part of you.

Mine wasn't as great as I'd hoped as there are still some clots to pass, but they said they will prob clear naturally over the next 2 weeks. Bleeding has almost stopped so I have to prepare for it to start again at some point. I was hoping it would have all gone so I could draw a line under it all. Just hope it does clear otherwise I'll have to have a eprc after all.

Hope others are OK today x