Part 2 - I have fallen of a bus 2012/2013 with a thump just need someone to hold my hand!

[Countmyblessings]

Sometimes it good to share your BFP news but with
Some of us we fall of with MMC/EC/MC!
It's a hard time and so this is a place to share as much as you want, a shoulder to cry on, a place to vent!
All welcome - although it's horrible to fall off, I hope this thread helps, even just a little bit!

Dontmind- I'm do very sorry you are going through this it's such a awful way also of finding out! Trust me I was there last year June and I just about got over it then fell pregnant again April for it to end in an ectopic, I do hope that as we share and help get through together!
Good but- oh it's awful when you have to grin and fack it! Hope you get through those 30 reports quickly and painless!
Wifey- I'm so very sorry your having a low day! I do hope that you feel better sending you huge hugs! I know the feelings as I explained to gp yesterday I think of my baby everyday!!!!
Zoey - I would def keep it to myself for now,big hugs!

Stupid phone putting in wrong words!
So
Fake!
I can spell for all you teachers!

wifey it is absolutely fine and normal to be missing your baby, ignore your stupid mil with her ignorant comments. I think a lot of people that haven't been through it just don't get how we can feel this bad about someone we never met. I miss my baby every single day too, and not even dp gets it, he seems to think that I am 'back to normal' and if he sees me cry he assumes something else has upset me, sad thread on here, sad part of a book, somebody being nasty,e tc. He just doesn't see how miserable I still am about the mc. I feel numb a lot of the time too, and then sometimes feel guilty when I find myself laughing, as if I shouldn't be doing that yet either.
count faking it was about the only thing I could do as I had 30 kids in the room so couldn't just leave, which would have been my preferred option. I got through it though and I think possibly every time I have to do it it will get a little bit easier. I've now done 15 of the reports in just over an hour and a half, so should be done by midnight I think. Then all I have to do is copy and paste them into the system at school tomorrow. Roll on tomorrow when I can finally say they're all done for this year.

Zoey, congratulations! You shouldn't feel guilty about being happy about this pregnancy, you're not replacing the little one you lost,the loss just showed you there's room in your heart and family for a baby to love. This is a new little life, I hope everything goes well for you.

Don't mind, really sorry to hear what you're going through,thinking of you x

I had a bit of a meltdown today, Ed Sheeran set it off ! Has anybody heard his song "Small bump"? He wrote it after his friend suffered a miscarriage and the lyrics are so poignant. It got me thinking I should be 5 mths pregnant now (or I suppose 2 mths ...from my most recent pregnancy) and I've just felt emotional and a bit weepy the rest of the day, though as you say,you have to put a brave face on for everyone.

Good, I'm very impressed with all that marking! My brain feels a bit like mush at the moment, I'm quite glad I wasn't needed at work this week, I couldn't even manage grocery shopping today without forgetting half the things I went in for, memory like a sieve!

Thank you good...it's hard isn't it when others 'expect you to be over it already'. My heart never will be & I won't keep apologising for it.
irish...I heard the song afew weeks ago...makes me cry everytime...
After my wobble yesterday I had a good cry to my DH who had struggled to deal with it all in the beginning...& now he is the one holding me together. He just let me cry & vent....which I felt better for..had been building inside for days. I'm trying to put back together the pieces of myself & my world after it was blown to pieces...& the world wasn't built in a day x

Hey ladies, sorry as usual on my phone so I can't link all my replies/messages to everyone, it's so reassuring (but still sad) to find u all having the same feelings as me, congratulations zoey as everyone has said the sadness and worrying is normal we are all here if u need us.
Trying to get back on with housework I have let slide a bit (does being on here count as housework?)
I'm back to work later for 1st time since it all happened (scan showing the molar was 2 weeks ago yesterday-feels like longer) only my managers know exactly what's happened but guessing everyone will kind of guessed, going to be hard but think I'm ready, bleeding etc is nearly over just waiting for confirmation on tests etc so u can get on with check ups. It's poo that I will prob not be allowed to TTC till after Xmas as that's when I thought id be due. My SIL is due Friday, not sure how I'll cope with that!

livismum, just wanted to wish you good luck for starting back at work.
I know it's hard taking that step and facing the outside world again but I'm sure you'll be fine.
Take it easy if you can and look after yourself x

wifey, sounds like you've got a really supportive DH ,it's lovely that you're there for each other.

irish....thank you. He really struggled in the early weeks but has been a great support....but there are still fears/feels that I can only share on here

Hi....may I join you? I am 40 and DH 52 with a dd18 and ds13. We never could afford before with stress, unemployment, really bad dd teen years.
Then she became nice sorted her life, got a flat with fiancee and we thought that maybe it was last chance. I feel pregnant in the first month and we were so happy.
Last thursday we foundout that baby died at 10 weeks. Had an erpc and had the awful time of seeing my children suffering as well. Our ds said that the person we was going to meet and live with us had gone and we would not meet this person. Really upset.
Now I am off sick this week trying to not cry in front of them all the time.
The fact I already have two dc does not make any easier....
Ps my lovely dh is in pieces...but he doesn't have my luxury to be off work.

I am afford dc3...

Notsoold - it must be so hard seeing your DCs upset, at least my DS is only 2.5 so he accepted "Mummy's feeling poorly". I don't think having other DCs makes it easier, I think it feels like I know what I've lost, I know how amazing it is to hold a newborn and that gorgeous newborn smell...

Any one know how bad it's going to get if I lose this one naturally? I'm not due another scan until 13th (the woman on the reception even said "are you sure you want a scan on Friday 13th? It's bad luck." I'd just been told there was no fucking heartbeat but they want me to come back "To be sure" - how more unlucky does she think it gets?), but I'm bleeding slowly now, it might just go. I think that's preferable than ERPC.

Oh, and it's obviously gone round work, even though I asked my boss and HR to keep it confidential - I've had 5 "Hope you are ok/let me know if there's anything I can do" texts from colleagues, I've never had that from a couple of days off sick in the past. I'm pretty sure it's the girl who was checking my e-mails yesterday & today, she'll have access to my boss' messages and I e-mailed him last night to say I wouldn't be in the rest of the week and explained the situation. At least I do'nt have to deal with people asking why I was off when I go back in.

Notsoold I'm sorry you are here too. It's hard seeing older dcs upset too, and trying not to cry in front of them is really really hard. My dd1 is 12 and knows exactly what went on. I didn't do a very good job of keeping my brave face on in front of her in the first couple of weeks, the first day or so afterwards I went to bed and let dp cope with the girls without me. Dd1 took dd2 to the park while it all happened and she's been like a rock throughout it all. I worry about that sometimes, that I made her cope with being strong while I fell apart completely.

Dontmind my mc was natural and I am rather glad it was as I think it's better than the erpc.
TMI alert: I am about to describe what it was like so you know what to expect. It may be different for you but this is what happened with mine.
It didn't hurt particularly, not much worse than a bad period, but that may be quite a personal thing. I started spotting on a Tuesday, ignored it (denial) til Thursday when it got a bit heavier, phoned out of hours doctors who arranged scan for the following Thursday (the earliest emergency appointment apparently). The bleeding got heavier over the weekend and I was advised to rest which I did, but then I got clots on Sunday afternoon, the biggest 'clots' were about the size of my fist, which I assume was the baby and the placenta. I didn't look, I made my dp clear it all up as there was blood all over the bathroom floor. I sometimes wish I had looked and said goodbye properly but I was in such shock and denial that I just wasn't ready to do that at the time. I then bled for about 5/6 days, about the same as a heavy period, but I know some people bleed for longer than that.

I hope it isn't too traumatic for you, it's hideous mentally and emotionally so I can't imagine how hard it must be if it is really physically painful at the same time.

Thanks goodbutnotoutstanding - that sounds about what I was thinking, hopefully it'll happen before I go back for the second scan. I do normally get quite painful periods so expecting it to be unpleasant.

I don't think I need to say good bye as such, I think I did that looking at the little scan pictures.

In all this mess, I realised I've forgotten my DB's birthday that's tomorrow. I know my mum will have told him by now and he'll understand card/gift arriving late, but I feel like I can't do anything right this week. that's stupid, I know.

Dontmind really hard for you....have to wait for a scan! The whole thing seems too much....thinking of you...
Goodbutnot I wondered about him coping as well. And how scared he will beof female hormones. My list of guilt things has no end....

May I join in?
Sorry to hear of everyones losses. Its such a traumatic thing to go through and so awful that so many people find themselves here. At least we can all support each other.
I lost my baby 3 week ago, day before my 20 week scan. I had to be induced and go through labour etc...
I have lots of friends and family but I feel like they think I should be ok about things now and don't want to listen to me. They probably don't think that at all, maybe just me being paranoid.
Haven't seen my partner since the day I delivered our son. I feel like things worked out for him because he didn't want baby, he wasn't planned and he wanted me to have abortion. He cried when I lost baby but I'm not sure if that was guilt because he hadn't treated me well throughout my pregnancy. Obviously we ain't together now.
I'm 32 and I know I have time to find somebody else and try again but I just can't help thinking that was my one and only chance of having a baby.
zoey Congrats on your little rainbow xx

Zacsmum I am so terribly sorry that you are going through this. Your story made me cry. It was bad enough having a mc at 12 weeks so I can't imagine how you are feeling after going through it at 20 weeks.
It was only 3 weeks ago, how can people possibly think you should be ok now?! Especially with the horrible situation regarding your partner. Please don't try to hold yourself together for other people, you need support right now and while we are here for you I don't think mn is quite enough for something this huge. Tell people how you are feeling, you have every right to be grieving.
You do have time to find somebody else and try again, but I completely understand that you can't see it right now, it is far too soon to be thinking about a new future just yet. Take one day at a time and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Zacsmum,
I replied to you on the other thread without reading your full story, I'm so sorry you're going through such a horrendous time.
I wonder if your family/friends just don't know what to say or think they're helping by not talking about Zac and keeping your mind off your loss?(As though you could ever stop thinking about it!)
Sometimes if you put on a brave face everyone just goes along with it and assumes you are ok, but it's so recent and so raw for you and even as time goes on you need support.Do you have anyone you are close to who you can talk to about how you are feeling?
There's every chance you will meet someone else in the future and have a another baby, it's wouldn't be a replacement for your little boy ,who you'll never forget, but you still have love to give and a place in your heart and your arms for a baby.

As good has said, one day at a time.
Take care of yourself. xx

Im so sorry i haven't been on her just been so hectic and don't have the chances to reply on the pc only on my phone so can't recap and can't remember what each person said!
Zacs- you have been through a huge trauma and an emotional few weeks. take it easy and take 1 day at a time! my 3 angels babes never made it to 20 weeks! my gosh the constant everyday reminders is really hard!
and the lack of your partner's support is just awful i can't imagine! its early days and emotionally i do hope your family will be stepping up and supporting you,dont write of yourself at 32 it can and will happen just stay positive!
Goodbut- so glad you did it and got through all those reports! my motto today "is Fake it to, you Make it!" but TGIF whoop!
Irish - i heard his songs are so emotional i just couldn't listen!!!! well done you!
wifey -i agree why be sorry for how your feeling, be as emotional as you want your rights!!!!
livismum- its still so new and fresh don't rush take it easy on your self and ace your feelings.
notsoold- im so sorry and i can't imagine how your feeling! its only been last week and we have all been there,fresh pain I'm glad you have the support my dd is 18 and has been great support for me as she really has been my rock as well as my DH! big hugs xx
Dontmind - its really hit you in all directions I'm sure you will make it unto your Db will understand! I got my BFP on the Friday 13th april - its seems only the other day would be 17 weeks right now! alas just missing the life i would of had with my baby! waiting for the scan must be awful- hugs and hand holding as you go through this!

Hello. May I join?
Lost my baby a few weeks ago at 20+3. Still completely shocked by what's happened. My waters unexpectedly broke on 15th June (my DH's birthday). Was expected to go into labour but didn't. Was examined on 17th June to find one of the baby's feet was out of my cervix and therefore nothing they could do but induce me. Baby was still alive at this point. Gave birth to a baby girl that evening. We called her Daisy. We are waiting for the results from PM to come back to see if we can find out what went wrong.

I also had a MMC at 7+5 weeks in November last year which we found out about at 12 week scan. We currently have no children.

Just feel helpless, and why, why, why?

Oh little9 - I'm a so very, very sorry! You have been robbed of the a life with your babies! I love the name Daisy what a beautiful name! Your still in very early days and I can't imagine how your feeling!
I really hope your getting support from your family, friends and also hope your talking to your DH as its a must to keep your relationship together!
Grieving for a child you never knew- you have been robbed of a wondeful life and no matter how much people want to talk they will not understand unless they have gone through the emotional,physical,mental experience you have gone through! I did call it a "loss" but it's not like a pen or a phone but another life! And calling it a loss, just doesn't seem to speak of the deepest hurts! Words can't express the hurt and how long it will take to stop hurting I'm still going through it! 2011 & 2012 will always bring me sadness as I cry for my Angel babies!

little9 so sorry to hear of your traumatic experienced with Daisy, I can't begin to imagine just how awful that was for you for your girl to be alive when your waters broke. I think we may have been at almost the same stage of pregnancy, I was 20 weeks when found out my boys heart had stopped, was induced for labour and delivered him on 14 June at what would have been 20+2. The whole experience was traumatic but reading your experience made me cry, I couldn't imagine how you must have felt knowing your baby was still alive. I'm so so sorry xx
MN has been a great support to me and hopefully will be for you too. Hope you have plenty of support at home. Xx

Everyone else here is great, its comforting to know we aren't alone with our experiences. Very unfortunate we have all to go through this but being able to talk about it has been a great help to me. Thanks to everyone on this thread for all your support. Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks Count and Zacsmum. Sorry, I didn't mean to upset anyone but I'm just feeling so lost. It was easy (well relatively easy!) to carry on with the first miscarrige as it had occurred so early on. With Daisy, I just can't help wondering at the unfairness of her being alive and there being nothing anyone could do! Having to wait two months for the results of the tests doesn't do much for being able to move on either. Not sure how I'll feel when they come back whatever the results. If they can't find anything obviously wrong then, if I get pregnant again, will spend the whole time panicking it's gonna happen again.

Also, although we don't seem to have any problems conceiving (fell within a few months of trying for both), I just keep thinking time is ticking away and I'm not getting any younger (38). Should have started trying earlier, me thinks.

Zacsmum - I've just read your other thread and yes, we seem to have been at the same point at the same time. I don't believe any sick leave you take for this counts towards your normal sick leave as it is pregnancy related, therefore they can't touch you for it (or so I am led to believe!). I am off next week (and have been since waters broke in the early hours of 15th June). Am aiming to go back on 16th July but will see how I am next week (also if DH lets me!).

DH has been extremely supportive and luckily is a very big communicator and keeps reminding me to talk to him! I just don't want to burden him with my grief when he is trying to cope with his own. Can't believe how upset I am over this.

Sorry just realised that my last posts have been very self-absorbed. Congratulations zoey, here's hoping that we can all follow suit shortly and all have happy outcomes.

Hey ladies, welcome little and zacsmum so sorry to hear of your losses, feel free to vent here in the unfairness of it all, it's what we are all here for!
I went back to work on weds, it was almost made harder as no one had knew and just treated me completely normal (think they thought I was on holiday) then on Thursday a close friend text me that she is pregnant! Due in jan, she is probably the closest friend that didn't know I was pregnant and consequently I hadn't told her about what's happened. I have done now as didn't want her hearing from someone else and feeling bad, I'm pleased for her but also a bit sad. Anyway I'm now avoiding a wedding do tonight (sent DH on his own) as newly pregnant friend will be there getting congratulated and don't think I could handle it, we had a babysitter problem anyway (sense me making excuses!)