Part 2 - I have fallen of a bus 2012/2013 with a thump just need someone to hold my hand!

[Countmyblessings]

Sometimes it good to share your BFP news but with
Some of us we fall of with MMC/EC/MC!
It's a hard time and so this is a place to share as much as you want, a shoulder to cry on, a place to vent!
All welcome - although it's horrible to fall off, I hope this thread helps, even just a little bit!

Hi everyone, can I join in?
so sorry to hear of your losses.
I have three kids, ds19,dd1 12,dd2 8 and had an unexpected but very welcome pregnancy which unfortunately ended in miscarriage at 11 weeks in March. We tried again after my first AF, got pregnant straight away but I miscarried again at 6 weeks.

wifey, I know what you mean about feeling like a changed person. I'm much less tolerant and struggle to care about issues that seem so trivial compared to the loss of my babies.

Good(formerly known as jodidi), I find it difficult to get enthuasiastic at work too, luckily I work part time and things have been relatively quiet recently. We are due to have appraisals soon and the question "Where to do you to be in 12 mths?" reduced me to tears.
One of my colleagues is due a month after I would have been and I find it hard to be around her.
One of the mums at school just had a baby last week and I can't bring myself to walk over and congratulate her because I'm worried I'll just burst into tears.
Like you say,there are good days and bad days.
I don't know if it's worse because I was still grieving for my first loss when the second one happened or if I was more numb to it because I already felt so low. Sometimes I don't know quite what I feel, it's all a tangled mess. We hadn't told anyone I was pregnant again so very few people know about the second MC which makes it feel slightly unreal.

cocka,It is a dilemma deciding whether to try again or not.
My DH was shocked at the intensity of grief he felt at the time after the MC, even though we hadn't intended to add to our family. We knew there were risks at my age(44) but still couldn't help making plans, thinking of names etc . After the MC it was a mixture of grieving for the little life lost and a longing to hold a baby.."empty arm syndrome". We decided the heartache of never knowing if we could have had another would be worse than trying again and losing again and it now feels like our family is incomplete.
If I was younger I would wait longer to recover somewhat emotionally but I think time isn't on my side so we are still going to continue to ttc for now.

Phew, that's an essay,sorry to go on!!

I think I may need this thread. 8 week scan showed one dead twin and other one measuring too small with failing heartbeat. Second scan confirmed both had died on Thursday. Erpc booked for Monday.

Feel have done most of grieving for loss but feel so lonely and miserable. Can barely look at OH as all the other things I have issues about have come rushing to the surface. I feel I can't live in this house anymore, can't cope with him anyone, but also feel I have nowhere to go or anyone to turn to.

Is this normal? Is it the mc bringing out all these feelings? Or is it just highlighting what's already there?

I've been awake since one - can you tell?

Daisy I'm so sorry for your loss.
You are in the most immediate stage of this, of course you are feeling lonely and miserable. I have no idea whether it is the mc bringing out these feelings or highlighting what's already there as I don't know you or what your problems have been. I don't think you are in a good place to make huge decisions about your relationship right now though, so don't rush into anything. Is there really nowhere you can go for a few days to get some space? Friends or family that might be able to support you if your OH isn't willing or able to do that?
I know you think you have done most of your grieving but I wouldn't be so quick to try and shut it off, you haven't even had the erpc yet and that may bring more feelings you didn't know you were going to have. From my experience it is an absolute roller coaster of emotions, one minute I feel fine then I burst into tears and can't cope with the grief the next.
I have also read about the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) and it sounds to me like you are in the anger stage at the minute and directing that anger at your OH. I did the same, it was his fault, then it was God's fault, then it was my fault and I hated myself for not being able to protect my baby like I was supposed to. I'm now alternating between depression and thinking I've reached acceptance (then I go back to anger and bargaining on a random basis).
Whatever you are feeling is normal, I don't think there is such a thing as normal in situations like this, everybody reacts differently but with the same themes.

Irish don't apologise for writing an essay. You can probably tell I like to write a good essay myself from time to time. I think that's what threads like this are for, it's often easier to type it out than to say it all out loud (at least it is for me).
I am so sorry for your losses and I will be hoping and praying that you get the baby you want. I completely understand the 'empty arm symdrome', I'm going through it myself. I hadn't planned on another baby either (I have 2 dds already, dd1 12 and dd2 2) but once it was on it's way I was over the moon and surprised myself with how intensely I wanted that baby. Now it's not here any more I don't know what to do with myself and just want to be pregnant again but dp doesn't want to try again and I don't know how to persuade him or even if it's possible :(
My appraisal reduced me to tears a couple of weeks ago too. It was the question 'how do you feel this year has gone?', I don't think he was expecting the reply 'it's been completly shit and I'm glad it's nearly over' followed by quiet sobbing. He wasn't equipped to deal with that in an appraisal situation. I also know exactly what you mean about not being able to congratulate people. One of my friends announced her pregnancy with a scan photo just a week after my mc and I haven't been able to see her or speak to her since as i can't cope with her being due 2 weeks after mine should have been due. We're also not going to a christening tomorrow because i can't cope with being around babies, even though I normally adore babies and take every opportunity to cuddle them.

Sorry cant use MN properly as on iPhone..but a big to everyone else who has found themselves here.
Reading through the posts (best I can on this damn phone)...its made me see from a personal view that my feelings/reactions are normal...swaying between depression & some sort of acceptance- but not of what's happened..but that I will always feel this loss. carry it around like I do my heart.
I just hope that between us we can continue offering the support that only those who have been through this can offer..understanding...without judgement.

daisy, I feel for you, it's a horrible,difficult time, especially when you're waiting for your erpc,everything else is just on hold.
I struggled sleeping too and everything seems even more bleak and hopeless in the middle of the night with all sorts of thoughts spinning around in your head.
I hope you have support from family and friends in the next few weeks and coming months.

good ,thank you for your comments, I'm really touched that you would include me in your prayers. I admit I found it quite difficult to pray in the weeks immediately after my first miscarriage.
I think we would have had a very similar due date in October, I miscarried at 11 weeks the weekend before Easter.
Has your DP said why he doesn't want to try again?
My DH's reservation was how it would affect me( and the rest of the family, our 12 year old was devastated) if I lost another but I felt not trying would make me feel worse and since I'd hit rock bottom already that I wouldn't feel much worse or much sadder again .(Though having said that I don't know how many times I could go through it.) We decided we wouldn't tell anyone initially if I got pregnant and would have early scans to check everything was ok,waiting as long as we could before breaking the news.
Could your DP be concerned about the impact another MC would have on you?
I think men do feel differently about things, while my DH would like another baby he hasn't got that intense need and almost physical ache for it that I have.
Of course I've come to realise even a BFP isn't necessarily going to mean a baby, so I don't know if we'll ever get that far.
I hope you and I both find some peace of mind and can come to terms with the situation whatever that turns out to be.

wifey, I like that phrase, "understanding without judgement".
I think it's true that until you've been through pregnancy loss it's difficult to understand how it feels. I have some good friends in rl who just don't get it, it is good to be able to communicate, even virtually, with people who can truely empathise.

Crying buckets will come back when I can see clearly!
Im praying for strength for us all xxx

Count....are you ok lovely? x

count I hope you are ok. Are you just having a bad day or has something specific upset you? Talk to us if you need to, we're here to help.

Irish I'm finding prayer very difficult too, it's like I've been angry with God thinking it's His fault. I've only been to church once since Easter, the week after. I cried quietly through the whole Mass, then once it was finished I completely broke down and sobbed while other people were having their coffee and biscuits. I haven't been back since, as I haven't felt able to cope, particularly since there are a number of pregnant women and/or newborn babies in the congregation most weeks. I have now started praying again and I think I am going to try going back to church next week.
Dp doesn't want to try again because he doesn't want any more children. He thinks the 2 we've got are enough, he doesn't think we can afford any more, the only reason we were having the last one was because it was an accident and I refused to even consider an abortion. I don't think he understands quite how much I want another baby, it is the physical ache you talk about and it's killing me that I can't try again. I have seriously been considering putting holes in the condoms, but I don't know how often I can do that without it being obvious I really don't think it's fair. So I'm really left with a choice, either stay and come to terms with not having any more children, or leave, break up my family, cause a lot of stress, and face the reality of being a single parent with no guarantee of having another child at the end of it all. So I'm staying and hoping that time will make it easier to accept my new reality.

Irish & Daisy - words are just not enough to say how very very sorry I am for your loss,but do glad you have found this thread!
I was crying as I had just come from church and felt that for the first time since my 2nd loss that I have had a spiritual break through and feel totally free from the negative thoughts that was causing such a heavy burden!!!
For those who are struggling with praying or attending church, I have a book called" grieving the child I never knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg. It's such a great helpful book which has brought such a deep understanding with my struggle of my faith in God and my sadness of my losses!!!!
I hope everyone else is ok!!!!!

Thanks for caring you guys! Wifey & Irish big hugs!

Count, hope you're ok, thinking of you

Good, I couldn't put off going back to Mass for too long as my 12 year old is an Altar server every week and DH doesn't go, but I did a lot of crying too when I went. I have had a lot of support though from the priests and some other people who knew I was expecting and that has helped. There seem to be lots of pregnant women in our congregation too, it is hard, I find myself just keeping my head down so I don't have to look at them, silly though it sounds!
I found praying difficult because I'd prayed so hard that everything would be ok as soon as I knew I was pregnant. As you say, it's anger with God ,but I think that phase has passed now.
I don't know if I ever will manage to conceive and carry another baby so I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for that even though we are trying.
After my last miscarriage the midwife I spoke to said she'd had repeated failed IVF attempts and finally decided a few years before that it was time to stop. She was able to talk about it calmly and seemed to have come to terms with it. It did make me think that with time it must be possible to become resigned to the situation, even though I don't feel I've reached that stage of acceptance.
At least we have our families around us. I think a loss like this makes you appreciate what you've got,if another baby isn't to be, I know I need to focus on and enjoy the kids I have.

count...sounds like a very special moment..to be free of the heavy burden.
People can find true strength & comfort in having spiritual belief. Mine is of a different sort as I believe in spiritual mediums. Therefore I believe that although my baby is physically gone...that doesn't mean it's the end for my baby. It's little life will continue on in the spirit world. It's what I hold on to & I am not surprised to read so many of you have found comfort in church.
Belief is very powerful.
Somedays I can talk about what's happened & other days my heart won't even let me think about it...as it hurts too much It will be 10 weeks tomorrow ..feels like a lifetime yet a moment ago.

Irish - I'm the same avoided making eye contact with the pregnant women at church! Prayed so hard after the first MMC lat year and when I found out this time said " please Lord don't let me go through it again" but I did but didn't blame just was thinking what can I do to help others, even sharing my story I think helps others! So feel blessed that I can talk about it and for my lovely DC, if you do have DC its very hard sometimes to see pass the loss.I am getting use to the idea that my time may of passed!
Wifey - I'm glad you get comfort in your own way as it important to help you get through!

count, I think you're right, sharing stories certainly helps, it helps to put into words how you're feeling and also makes you feel less alone to know other people feel the same way or have had similar experiences.
There is a real feeling of solidarity and support!
I'll look out for that book you mentioned,thanks.

Just POAS and got a BFP - not sure how to react of course I am over the moon but so scared after my MC in May that part of me dont want to think about it right now and the other half wants to jump up and down and tell the world - I also dont want people thinking I am trying to replace the baby I lost as I am not

zoey congrats... that's wonderful. Of course you are feeling mixed emotions. No one would think you are trying to replace your baby...your baby has its own special place in your family...as will this new baby. I am yet to experience a BFP after my MMC so I don't know personally what to do...but maybe speak to a doctor for reassurance..& may be ask for early scans to monitor you. Wishing you the very best x

Congrats to you Zoey- that's excellent news as I remember you saying you think you was out this time around, amazing!
And of course your feelings, emotions will be all over the place but hold onto the happiness you do deserve for this so much wanted baby!!
1 step at a time and we r all here to hold your hand!!!
2 fingers to your horrid ex- sis abit in law!!!!!
And this baby will no way replace your angel baby but you now have a rainbow baby( sunshine after the rain)

Can I join? I'm having an unbelievably shitty day, spotting and light bleeding on and off over the weekend, scan today and there's no heart beat. I'm to go back in 10days to see if it needs to be removed or if there's any hope (blegh). I should be 11 weeks pregnant now. I'm just waiting to see if it goes.

zoey congratulations! I imagine having emotions all over the place is perfectly normal, I think I would be the same. I am very jealous that you have your bfp as well as being very happy for you. I have everything crossed that it all works out well for you this time.

don't I'm sorry you are going through this as well :( No heart beat doesn't sound good and it's shitty that you are stuck in this limbo of waiting to see what happens. Come and vent on here, we've all been through something similar.

I've not had a particularly good day. Just getting out of bed was such an effort this morning, I just wanted to curl up and ignore the world today. The rose bush we planted in memory of the baby has just opened it's first flower which is nice, but it set me off crying as I walked past it to go to work this morning. Then one of the teachers on maternity leave brought her baby in to see everyone, so i had to be happy and smiley and coo over the baby when I really don't want to see babies too closely just yet. And to top it all off I've got 30 reports to write tonight because I've been too shit to write them over the weekend . I think I may have PMT as well which just makes everything harder. I probably should log off mn and start them now.

Good - I know I've basically lost it, but there's that little corner of hope, it seems rather cruel.

My SIL has just had her baby this weekend as well, I would normally be champing at the bit to visit - but now I really am not sure i can cope. Oh, and I'm supposed to be throwing a birthday party for DC1 this weekend, lord a house full of people, (including a few who've just had second DCs) not good.

Zoey - good luck, try to stay positive.

Dont....I am so incredibly sorry
I found out the same way with my baby end of April. it's an awful, cruel experience. We are all here for you...I found MN my safe-zone...still do. So please do not hesitate.

Dont - no words can make you feel any beter but I found this site and everyone on it such a help, somewhere I could vent moan and actually say what I felt and thought and at least someone had always felt that way or could at least understand it really helped me feel alot less lonely. I have my MC at the start of May x x

Yes count it is 2 fingers up at her but I have decided to keep it between me and hubby and MN and then tell people later when I am ready so I can enjoy it as couldnt bear to listen to her fake upset about the baby she got rid of and now me being pregnant cos I couldnt even pretend to care right now am to happy about my little rainbow baby :)

Feeling a bit up & down today ...feeling like I'm back on auto-pilot-- not feeling just functioning. I was told that the heart/brain can just 'shut-down' sometimes to help you re-gain strength..but I feel so numb today. But I know when tonight comes I will feel the sadness again in big waves
My MiL told me today that its time to 'forget what's happened' & 'focus on what's really important'... Its not a though I am wollowing in self-pity...I am missing my baby & what should of been. Is that so wrong? Everyday I have for up...cared for my DS & painted on a smile when people have made it obvious that couldn't deal with me being any other way & today as I rush around organising my DS party for next week...I feel a sadness...a longing..I miss my baby..the dreams I had. Sorry for the long post

Sorry for typos