miscarraige

[Kbear77]

Its been one week today since my miscarraige. Hubby and I reached 11weeks. I am so emotional, and I know that is normal. It just hurts so much.
I have two gorgeous boys aged 8 and 6. Perfectly trouble free pregnancies with both. We planned for this baby and wanted them so much. We gave them a name as we wanted to acknowledge this little being that we created with love and had grown to love in just knowing of their existance. I was worried something was wrong when I had a bit of bleeding, but nothing can prepare you for looking at the ultrasound screan and not seeing a little heartbeat. We knew what we were looking for before they verbally said it. I had two scans to confirm this. I didn't want to leave the hospital until they could do a d&c. I couldn't face going home and going through natures way. This is hard enough as it is. Hubby found the Mums on Pregnancy book at a shop and showed me. I couldnt put it down as I could relate to so many things and it was very comforting. We have both been reading through it. So now I'm exploring the site. I'd really love to have some advice and tips from others who have experienced the same thing. We were given a photo from the ultrasound and we cherish it. We searched for the perfect frame. We find this comforting. last night I wrote a poem too.
I know I am just rambling here. I'm just lost.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} for those in need.
Kbear- That poem was gorgeous hun. The words summed it up totally. How are you bearing up?
It takes a long time to recover from mc. I've had 4 and yes time eases it but certain things will always be a trigger and set you off. Mine's scans. That's where I was told last year at my 11 week scan that the baby had died at 8 weeks. I'll never forget those words "I'm sorry". Still makes me shudder even now.
The Miscarriage Association website is great. All run by women who've been through it to. www.miscarriage.org.uk.
Rubles {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}} How are you coping now hun?
Just remember both of you, you're not alone. We're all here for you.
Take care, wishing you both love & happiness.
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Kbear and Rubles, I'm so sorry for what's happened. I too experienced a recent miscarriage (my second) in December, and am still getting over it - am weeping as I write this. I just wanted to say I think Hellkat is right....things will get better for you both eventually although nothing will ever make up for the losses you have both experienced and yes certain things will trigger off those sad emotions especially when you are least expecting it. You are both doing the right thing in talking about your emotions particularly here on Mumsnet as so many people understand your feelings and whenever you feel sad just log on and let us know - we'll all be here for you I wish you both all the very best for the future.

I too miscarried a few weeks ago. Would like to send you all a massive hug in support. It's hard carrying on as normal yet that's what we're expected to do. Don't know about any of you but I feel v nervous at the prospect of ttc again

It's a terrifying prospect of ttc. We started virtually straight away and the whole way through I tried not to think of how I'd actually feel to be pg again. Now it's happened, it's unbelievably scary. Every twinge, cramp etc has you running to the loo and what does'nt help is bleeding all the time and being told your high risk for mc. But fate works in mysterious ways and if something's not right your body deals with it. I'm just taking each and every day as it comes, after all what will be will be.
It does'nt matter how many mc a woman has, be it 1 or many, the pain of losing a little one remains the same.
I hope all of you find the strength to grieve (it does help)and there are so many people on this site willing to help.
If any of you feel like you're ready to take the next step and ttc, pop along to the ttc after mc thread. They're wonderful, supportive girls who've all been through it.
Love & hugs to you all.
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So sorry to hear of your losses.

Kbear that poem is wonderful.

Wanted to share something re the scan pictures, for those of you that have them. Please make a copies. The paper they are printed on fades with time. Best thing is to scan in to a computer so there is always a back up copy. Hope this helps

Thinking of you all. x

Hi
quite new to this site but have registered and lovely (when i have the time) to log on and read issues that affect me!
I too had a miscarriage i was only 19 (i am 25 now) and 20 weeks pregnant i went to the doctors with period like pains and he said go home and take some paracetemol, i demanded to see the midwive and after listening to my grievances she said i had to go straight for a scan.. as people have said before its the look on the midwives face when their is no heart beat that gets you! They didnt offer d&c as i was so far gone but i had to take these tablets that made me go into labour and i could go home and come back the next morning i even asked the doctor if it was possible if the baby would come out when i went to the toilet they said NO but lo and behold after 12 hours of labour pains and at 6am in the morning out came my beautiful but unfortunatley dead baby ..when taking my precious baby away i asked if it was a boy or a girl the nurse stated that it had been dead for a while so they couldnt tell (she was quite harsh) i suppose they deal with it everyday so every dead baby is the same///it is so hard to deal with but life must go on.. i have now got a beautiful yet hard work 21 mth old baby and i wouldnt have it any other way it does get easier and what you must always do is TALK about it!!!!

kbear77- read your poem and am in floods of tears. lost a babe during 1st trimester over a year ago and i still cry sometimes, as i am now. but i feel better once i have! x cheers! x x

hubby and i went to garden centre and found a lovely cherub statue which we have in the garden. behind it we planted a flowering shrub. we named our lost baby and found these things help us.

Hello there, saw Social Worker today. Was such a good idea and I found that she had some very conforting things to say. She was able to shed some light and give me the ability to see some things in a new perspective. As I have never before been in such a position to feel such intenese greif or loss, it's nice to hear from someone unconnected to you that what you are feeling and going through is normal (all be it not nice) She helped me see the strengths that I didn't realise I had until she pointed them out. Admitting that you want help/need help is a sign of strength in itself. Another thing is that you shouldnt refer to being upset as 'still' being upset. I told her of how my boys would ask why I was crying and I/we would say "I'm still upset because we lost..." but saying it that way is assuming that you should be over it. It can also teach your children that is is something you should 'get over' but it will always be a part of you and there will be times where it will spontaneously cause you pain and/or tears. And saying to yourself 'still' puts pressure on yourself too. I feel like I have permission to feel the way I feel now - if that makes sense. I'm stil hurting, but I don't quite feel so lost now. The lady I saw really was wonderful. Another thing was how I said that it hurt that poeple that know what we have been through and havent said anything... I now look at it as that they respect and care so much that they are allowing me to talk when I am ready. Not to push me or upset me. But allow me to make the first step. They are being respectful - not insensitive. With the people I am thinking about in regards to this - it makes perfect sense. But its just so nice to have this pointed out as such given that in my thinking I was just assuming the worst. Want to say so much more at the moment, but have to run for now...
Just quickly for the moment, Hellkat, Wools, expectingsummerihope, JR1980 and Shaysmummy - BIG HUGS TO YOU!!! My thoughts are with you.

Kbear just read your post and I am so pleased you have had great help and support from the social worker. Reading your post has made me think about my own situation and how I may have been a be hard on some of my family who showed no support or interest in my mc.

very best wishes for the future x

Hello there, not really sure what to say at the moment but just wanted to pop in and visit here. If that makes sense. Yesterday I worked with another lady at work who has just over a week to go before her baby is due. I felt a little emotional with her but was open and honest to her. She was so lovely and gave me a big hug and even had a little cry with me. I was so touched by her compassion. She is a lovely lady and I have always thought so, but it was just a bit difficult initially. I am so happy for her and want and wish the best for her, but being around someone I personally know is pregnant was a little harder than just walking past a stranger. Within minutes though, I was comfortable with her as she couldn't have been more wonderful about it if she'd tried.

hi kbear take every day as it comes and you will get there, some days will be fine and others low but its normal and its normal to have a cry too I would say its part of grieving and your colleague sounds wonderful.

Kbear - many of us know that feeling, of happiness for someone else, but devestation for yourself. It is totally normal, especially as your loss is so recent, it will get easier, although the pain of your loss will never be completely gone, you with get better at dealing with it. Don't rush the grief, and take each day as it comes. we're all here for you x

I had a situation like that last Sunday with my dp's best friend's wife. She has just had her 12 week scan and is due 2 days before me. She was so happy and excited, bless her, but doesn't know about my miscarriage and she got the scan picture out to show me! It was like the world was going in slow motion - so awful. My hand was shaking when I saw it and I couldn't say too much because I didn't want my voice to crack...I shed a tear and said 'that's nice' (How lame is that!) because that was all I could get out. All the time I was thinking how I would have had a scan picture and that would be the size of mine if it were alive, and then I would be able to be celebrating with them.

Hi rubles,
I dont think you are lame at all. I think it would have taken a lot more strength to have handled the situaltion the you did than you give yourself credit for. If this person did know what you have just been through I think she'd probably feel terrible. You'll be going to the hospital again this week wont you? Do you think you can plead your case again in asking for a copy of the scan pic?
Every day there seems to be at least one if not several things that just seem to just throw it all back in my face. I was doing a code cracking word puzzle and I'd get words like feotus or pregnant. Libra panty liners etc have little quirky facts on the peel off strips and would you believe they actually have one being about how a feotus has fingerprints from 3 months. Yeah thanks for that!!! Here I am using thier products as a result from my miscarraige and I need to read facts like that - I needed yet another reason to cry!! I will be writing/emailng them in a minute to compplain about the insensitivity and thoughtlessness of including such a fact. My husband couldnt believe it. And then theres the general reminders of seeing something in a magazine or on tv. There are so many stories out lately of miracle babies born to parents that should never have been able to have them given certain medical coditions etc and yet they go on to have perfectly healthy babies - and that is so wonderful for them - they deserve the joy and happiness!!! But in my silly thinking I twist it into taking it hard in that they can despite all odds but I cant. I can see things logically - but it doesn't stop the heart aching or longing for our lost little angel. Even driving around today - local radio stations have their own 4wds or vans etc that pull up at places throughout the day and they announce it over air and what freebies they are giving away at that time/promotions etc. Well when I heard that they were out today I listened for where they were. I mean if you are close by why not grab a freebie or movie tickets etc. Conveniently they had to be at the hospital didnt they! So even that made me cry. I am not trying to escape it, but it feels like everywhere I turn it's just shoved in my face. It's just so frustrating and doesn't help at all!
Thanks diddle, and thanks again FirstNicki
Sigh
Hugs to all xxx

Kbear- Oh hunny, it all makes perfect sense. We've all been there. Had those very same feelings too. I remember receiving info from a baby company after my last mc (they were'nt to know) but seeing baby stuff made me break down (even though I thought I was coping). I stopped watching baby channels, in fact anything baby orientated was banned. The social worker sounded fabulous, well done for being so lucky in finding someone like that to talk to.
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Kbear,
I can't believe the Libra panty liners thing - I mean, women who are having a period fall into two camps, they are either not at all interested in conception and pregnancy so couldn't care less, or they are very interested in it and do not want to be reminded of the significance of AF. Either way they don't want to know it and it is completely inappropriate.
I take it you are still bleeding then? What sort of follow up tests do they have lined up for you? Is your hcg back to zero?

Thanks for remembering me - yes I am due for further pregnancy test this Friday but I decided not to go back to the same place to avoid the memories, so unless there are further issues with this mc I won't go to the hospital who have my notes and the picture, in which case I won't pursue it. I just have my fingers crossed there are no issues.

I thought of you on Saturday - is that when you wrote your last post? I can't tell from the time on here given that there is such a big time difference, but I know Saturday could potentially be a tough day for you. I wondered if you were finding it as hard as the previous week. I had a very sad moment on Friday afternoon and then again after I had had some wine in a restaurant on friday night(!) I had a bit of a weep into my napkin, so I think that Fridays still have a particular significance for me. It is just a question of time, I know.

Have a good week.
xx

Hi rubles
yes, Saturdays are still tough for me as are your Fridays The other thing I am finding is that when I am say eg, at work or certain places where it isn't exactly easy to cry and run with my emotions I just swallow it, or compound is as my hubby better explains and then some other time it will just spontaneously burst out. Not neccessarily triggered off by anything, just needing emotional release. Where I work I can be in either of 8 different places, some of which is in an office environment and others not. If I'm in an office I can close off for a few minutes and put a sign up. It just depends, but either way, Im the type you can easily tell has been crying and if someone said something the tears would just pour out. I just don't want to have a public emotional display, especially at work. sigh
I wouldnt exactly say I am 'bleeding' as such but theres just still some stuff. Not much, but just a bit that drags on. I am so eager for it to completely stop. I am seeing my Doctor on Wednesday morning and will follow up on everything with her. She is just around the corner, I dont have to go to the hospital.
I sent my complaint to Libra to the effect as mentioned before. I pleaded with them to remove it.
Thanks for thinking of me I think of you on Fridays too. Still wish I could give you a big hug.
Not looking to invade privacy of ID, but can I just ask what counrty you are in/where you are from?
I'm in Adelaide, South Australia. I'm 28.
Hope you have a good week too, wishing you strength xxx

it is funny with the time difference, its just after 7:30pm here and it gets posted on site as just after 9am

Hmm, actually I'm 29. had my birthday 3 days before we lost bubs. Despite having the most wonderful birthday - I guess my general 'happy thought' thinking has been a little marred of late. One thing I'd have to be happy about was at least I didn't have to go through miscarraige on my birthday. But not that it seems like a great deal fun more on my mums birthday! Can't win can we?

Friend at work had her baby last night. I am truly happy for her and told her so. She said she admires me being brave. That was such a nice thing to say. I bought her a copy of "Mums On Babies" which I know she will love. She is such a genuinely lovely lady. Very compassoinate and understanding.
Finally tonight I was able to enjoy a nice big bath. I put candles around the bath, used bath salts and lovely smelly things then sunk in and relaxed. Enjoyed every minute of it and then just stretched out on my bed for a while and let time just pass without thinking of anything in particular or actually in general just nothing. I feel refreshed and relaxed, the most I have in a while. I'm sure I'll sleep well tonight.

hi kbear, it's great to hear you sounding positive and relaxed. Well done you. How was the appointment on Wednesday by the way?

I have had what has seemed like a period this week, (achey boobs before, then mild stomach ache then 5 days of bleeding), except it can't be because it is far too early and I still have hcg in my blood. It is all very confusing and I'd really like to be recovered physically but I think I just have to learn to have some patience. I have another appointment to do another pg test tomorrow with the nurse but I know it will come out positive. If it comes out negative I think I'll faint - I'll be very happy and surprised - it's not going to happen though.

I'm in London by the way and I am 34.
x

rubles & kbear - you are both truly blessed to have found one another to talk to. It is good to have a close friend who has been through the same as you at a similar time. I hope that you are both dealing with your emotions, and not bottling them up inside, and wish you all the best.

Hi rubles
I've told my hubby about you and that it's nice to write to you. Not that it's nice what we are going through but that it's nice that we understand each other. I mean everyone understands us here at mumsnet, and they offer great advise and comfort, but we are pretty much going through the same thing at the same time.
I think of you often and hope that you are going ok too.
They must do things differently in London to Australia as I haven't been having any blood tests to check pregnancy levels. To my knowledge they don't do that. My Doc did tell me that it will take at least 6 weeks for the pregnancy hormones etc to get out of my system and for my body to be 'back to normal' as such. And I think I said before that she'd personally reccommend waiting a few months before trying again. I want to follow her advise, but also follow my body too...I want to see when I get my period back to know what's happening. I think that would make things much easier with knowing dates etc and that things were functioning as normal again down there. If that all up takes around the 3 months mark, so be it, but if not another cycle or two wont kill me. There's a difference between eager and desperate.
I don't think I could handle a bloodtest confirming pregnancy when knowing that I am definately not. Must be very difficult for you
Seeing my Doc on Wednesday was fine. She was just as lovely as she always is. Where I am at physically and emotionally is all as would normally be expected under the circumstances.
Whilst it still hurts, it doesn't feel as 'raw' anymore, if that makes sense.
I've read somewhere once before "Don't think about how far you have to go, look how far you've come!" Definately think there is some truth in that. I look back over the last four weeks and can see that I have made some progress and I am 'getting there'
Do you remember the song by Paula Abdul which contained the lyrics "take two steps forward, take two steps back" well I think I'm more along the lines of two steps forward and one step back.
Many told me there's a light at the end of the tunnell and whilst I believed them, I just couldn't see it. I think I can see it now, but I don't know how long it will take me to get to there. But knowing that it's there makes me more determined to get to it.
I will never forget, I don't want to forget!!! - but I feel that inside of me now there is a little roar of determination building and strengthening. "I can do this, I can get through this, I'm going to have a baby!"
rubles hun, do you have other children? How is your hubby/partner going?
Coming in here is somewhat like keeping a journal/diary. With the added bonus of validation, comfort and feedback.
My hubby is such a darling for having found the mumsnet books because it led me to here.
I have both of them, the pregnancy and baby one. Like this site, they are an invaluable source of help, advice, understanding, comfort - everything.
Well, gotta run for now.
Love and hugs to you xxx

diddle, you're a darling

Kbear,

I am so, so glad to hear you sounding so positive.
I am doing really well too, thanks. I had the appointment on Friday, which had its ups and downs but the final result of it was that the HcG is now down to zero. I was so overwhelmed with relief that I had to cry. It was like a great weight had been taken from my shoulders and it felt like dark clouds were parting in my world and there was blue sky and light coming in - it was a sort of closure on the event, I guess. (The silly lady who did the test, said 'don't you want to have a baby?' when she saw how happy I was despite the fact that she had my notes up in front of her!!!)
After that I did something completely different with my Friday in order to break the spell of the day so nothing would remind me of 4 weeks ago, I went to my parents' house for the weekend who know nothing of the miscarriage and was able to put it to the back of my mind and now I feel like I have taken 10 steps forward.

I can say now that pregnancy is a possiblity again, now that I have nothing holding me back. And hopefully it will be able to happen before summer. I do have a dd who is 21 months and I'd really like to have at least one sibling for her before she gets too old.

You're right you/we have come a long way, haven't we? And the only way is up now.