miscarraige

[Kbear77]

Its been one week today since my miscarraige. Hubby and I reached 11weeks. I am so emotional, and I know that is normal. It just hurts so much.
I have two gorgeous boys aged 8 and 6. Perfectly trouble free pregnancies with both. We planned for this baby and wanted them so much. We gave them a name as we wanted to acknowledge this little being that we created with love and had grown to love in just knowing of their existance. I was worried something was wrong when I had a bit of bleeding, but nothing can prepare you for looking at the ultrasound screan and not seeing a little heartbeat. We knew what we were looking for before they verbally said it. I had two scans to confirm this. I didn't want to leave the hospital until they could do a d&c. I couldn't face going home and going through natures way. This is hard enough as it is. Hubby found the Mums on Pregnancy book at a shop and showed me. I couldnt put it down as I could relate to so many things and it was very comforting. We have both been reading through it. So now I'm exploring the site. I'd really love to have some advice and tips from others who have experienced the same thing. We were given a photo from the ultrasound and we cherish it. We searched for the perfect frame. We find this comforting. last night I wrote a poem too.
I know I am just rambling here. I'm just lost.

ramble as much as you like!
It does get easier, what more can I say.
Try to give yourself time.
Thinking of you

Oh Kbear honey you talk all you want and i will listen (well read) I have lupus and as a result have had many miscarriage's the worst was the first one, i lost my twins. to this day i think about what i would have called them, what clothes i would dress them in ect. You both need to grieve for your baby as you would for any other loss.
It WILL get easier to face the days and eventually you may want to try again but even if you do it doesnt mean you wont love the baby you lost. The hospital/g.p should offer you berevement couceling take it, it could really help. Im not sue what to say, just that i understand what your going through and if you need a friend im here or you can email me. [email protected]

Oh hunny that's so sad to read. So so sad.

You are not alone, there are unfortunately just so very, very many women out there who have been through it, so we all understand.

I too had my one week anniversary. It was yesterday, I was 9 weeks. Although I thought that I was emotionally mending, when the day dawned I was surprised that I had to keep going to the toilet at work cry - that hit me unawares, I really wasn't expecting it. But then I suppose I had been warned to expect ups and downs - to expect that whenever you think you are on the up, you will still get blue days. They'll probably get further apart and easier I suppose. I was in the supermarket this week feeling totally fine, and then I saw a lady with a very young baby, and the strength of the longing I felt to hold and feed a new baby was so powerful it felt like my stomach was lurching. I call these one of my moments, and if possible I allow myself to completely wallow in them and cry as hard as I want.

Although it is still fairly raw for me, and therefore I'm not really one for giving advice, I will tell you what I have done to cope. I have found reading about it and talking about it a great help. I have just kept talking, talking, talking whenever I have a 'moment'. I have done loads of reading on the internet - other women's stories, although they are sad, make me remember that I am not alone. And because other women's stories make me cry it helps me to cry about my own loss. It's quite cathartic. I also have done loads and loads of reading about the medical side - but I am sure you would have done that yourself, and it's fairly limited what they know.

Because I had my baby naturally at home (thankfully all very quick), we buried the egg sac and planted some daffodils. I have also bought some bulbs that I will plant in spring that will flower in August when the baby would have been due. It was nice to do that, and whenever I look out of the kitchen window I see those little daffs sprouting up and I think about what has happened to us, and I think about our little baby at rest there, and I wish it/him peace.
Could you plant something somewhere? Then you could have a special space that could be your thinking space for focussing on the baby you lost when you have your moments. I read about another lady having a special box with every tiny memory of the miscarried baby in - she found it comforting to go and look through things to whenever she needed to remember.
Would writing a birth story 'diary' of the day help at all?

It sounds like your husband is being great.
I'm sorry to have rambled on but I couldn't not say anything and have ended up writing an essay.
Hang in there sweetie.
xxx

Hallo Kbear, so sorry to hear about your loss.

I had a m/c at just under 10 weeks just before xmas - actually on the 21 Dec, so with some irony I noticed when I got my period today, 21 Jan...

I got some lovely words, advice and sympathy from MN when I was struggling to cope. Rubles has mentioned everything 'practical' that I can remember right now - for me, the best tips were to write a diary of what happened and to mark the passing with a plant somewhere. But also, I found that I needed to be prepared for difficult days (like going back to work, or the day I would have had my 12 week scan) and sometimes MN was the only place I could seek comfort. (Rubles in particular was great when she had only recently had her own m/c - thanks!)

Like you, I have two gorgeous boys already, aged 4 and 2. I felt guilty that I might spoil their christmas and guilty that I wasn't grieving the loss of my baby. Also, EDD is/was date of ds2's birthday - I was secretly so pleased about this but now it makes me afraid of how I'll feel on the day.

I was totally shocked at what has happened. My first pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage, but I almost felt like that was normal. After two completely normal pregnancies, I just hadn't considered the possibility of this one ending that way. I've read loads and loads and it all says that there was nothing you could do once the m/c started and that almost all pregnancies end this way because there was something wrong with the baby. When everything is fresh and raw, that really didn't seem to help me, but as time passed it seemed to make sense.

I'm so pleased that your husband is a great support - not always the case, I've generally been unable to discuss my feelings with my husband and can't bring myself to ask him how he's feeling as I imagine he'd look at me with incredulity - 'it's gone, move on' sort of thing... I think you're going to be able to support each other in this and that's really great, I'm sort of jealous. Which looks mad when I read it back - hope it makes some sort of sense to you.

Want to send you loads of strength for the coming weeks, but also the ability to cry and mourn, because that will make you strong too. My thoughts are with you.

Kbear no advice, jsut to say my thoughts are with you and I'm sure you'll get loads of support from Mumsnet.

I cant tell you how much it means to me to have some responses. Even though I am new to this site it offers a feeling as being among friends and a knowingness of unity. It's like you know very well, logically that you aren't alone, but you still feel so isolated at times. I know that by coming in here it will help )
Auntymandy, your a sweetie - thanks!

Charlee, much much appreciated, I will email you soon.

rubles, I can relate so much to what you are saying!!! As I am reading I'm thinking 'me too me too!' One minute I can happily see pregnant women and babies and then another time I just spontaneously get very emotional and/or cry. I also have developed a hunger for sourcing as much info as I can. Despite some of it not being exactly wonderful to read, I think that finding out as much as possible is somewhat of a comfort. Guess seems a bit of a cliche'. Planting in your garden sounds very sweet. I love the idea of doing something special. Why shouldnt we acknowledge our little darlings?! It's amazing how much love is created in somewhat of a short time, these were our babies and we love them. We will always have that love for them. A tree/plant isnt right for me personally as we are renting for one and also I am terrible with plants. Still, our photo sits privately in our bedroom. We gave our baby a name too. We searched through unisex names and chose one together that we both loved. Now we can talk openly about our little one rather than referring to as 'it' etc. Maybe we wont always have our photo out, but we will always have it and will always treasure it. I had been keeping a pregnancy diary. I'm not ready to write in it again yet, but it will be good for me when I do. My hubby indeed is fabulous. I was just telling a friend yesterday that just when I thought I loved someone as much as I could, I discovered I love them even MORE! We talk lots. I am very much outward with my emotions and he's been amazing with being comforting and just holding me when I need it. All the while he's going through his own pain too. People have been wonderful in acknowledging us both and not just me. That would make me upset if the focus was just on me as it is something you go through together. But sadly we get the physical side of it too. Hubby is just wonderful. I love him to bits! You think you could write an essay my dear? I'm working on a novel here... )

jamiesam, that must have been a very difficult christmas ( It is hard with other children. Our boys, whilst touched and sad about the loss of our little one - don't quite understand the real impact it has had on our lives. Like you, I never considered that it could happen to me. But then, why should it happen to anyone else either. I think part of my greiving is not just for myself, but for all who experience the same/similar misfortune. I know what you mean about something must have been wrong - but you just dont want to accept that as a reason. You just want things back the way they were. In time, it will make more sense, I know. But we will always have that niggling GRRRR of WHY?!

Redtartanlass, Thank you! Every thought counts!

To all of you, deepest heartfelt thanks and big hugs to you and your partners/family for your own pain. Please know that I send just as many thoughts and wishes back to you as you have sent to us.

Strength in unity, we'll all get through this together. Big hugs to you all XXXXXXXX

jamiesam, I put in a frown but the computer changed it to a smile!!! I'm not being insensitive. And I never put grin in either, the pc just over rode what I put! I just didnt realise. Sorry

sympathies to you
I went through the same thing with my first pg, I will never forget the look on the sonographer's face.

Do remember to take things easy, put your feet up whenever you can, watch your iron intake and above all don't beat yourself up

I'm currently pg for the 7th time (4 mc's and 2 live boys) and this looks like yet another mc.
With my last one (April last year) I had probs with bleeding and a scan at 7 wks showed everything to be ok. But at the 11 week scan we were told that the baby had died at 8 weeks. I felt the same regarding a d&c. I did'nt want to go through it naturally again. Like you, we cherish our 7 week scan piccy and it has pride of place in our youngests' picture album (it's right next to his scan pic).
{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}} to you & family hun. It will get easier. You're doing everything you can to come to terms with it all.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

bump

Kbear77 - I am so sorry about what has happened I'm not sure I can say anything to make you feel better, except that you are not alone, as this thread has shown you. I had a MC at 7 weeks wth my 4th pregnancy. I already have 3 healthy boys and had never experienced MC before that. I took it for granted that I would carry that baby to term with out problems, just like before, so when I MCed it was such a massive shock and it is still hurting.

It does get better after time and as each day passes, so too does a little bit of pain. But don't be in any hurry to get over this. Grieve as much as you feel you need to, don't feel you are "milking it" or going too far. I made the massive mistake of trying to get on with normal life far too soon, and I am paying the price now. Make sure you take your time and take good care of yourself. Enjoy you boys and keep in your mind that your baby will come back to you when the time is right. In the mean time, he is safe.

I chose a name for my angel too, I haven't told anyone what it is because I would feel silly disclosing the fact I had a feeling about its sex. But that name has stuck and as far as I am concerned I have a child with that name and would never choose it again for another, if that makes sense.

And writing something down really helps too. I have told this may times on other MC threads, and I apologise to those who have heard it before, but I was having real trouble sleeping after my one night very soon after my MC. It got to the early hours of the morning and some words came into my head. I wrote them down on a scrap of paper, and after I had, I slept really well. That was my first nights (or half a night) sleep I had got since I had MCed. It helped me to put my feelings down on paper.

Any emotions you are having are entirely normal. Nothing you experiance is wrong or odd or anything else. You will have your own way of getting through this and your DH is obviously very supportive.

Kbear, I wish you all the love in the world. I hope you can find comfort and peace. MNers are fantastic, and I found them a huge source of comfort and support during my hard time, and I still do.

Lots of love to you, hun xxxxxxxxxxxx

kbear - as I often end up reading threads backwards at first, I read your apology before I read your post! No problems!

Coathanger has a lot of good advice - but I can particularly second the bit about not trying to get back to 'normal' life too quickly. My first m/c was just a couple of months before my wedding and as I thought that it was not unexpected to m/c first time around, I just put it to one side and carried on, as I had lots of things to keep me busy. Years went by before I realised how upset I was by it, I think I was pg with ds2 when it really hit me. Even this time round I've had to pretend a lot of the time that there was nothing wrong, but I've also spent a lot of time, well, mulling it all over I guess.

all my love, you will get through this.

Kbear - I am so sorry you are going through this. I have had 2 miscarriages last year and although the pain gets easier, i don't think it will ever leave me. I often wonder if i'm "over it" but then i read all the messages on this section and once again I am reduced to tears. please give yourself time to grieve. everyone who has responded has given you some wonderful advice. I found planting two rose bushes in the memory of my little angels helped a lot, espcially in the summer hwen they were flowering, it was nice to know i could go somewhere to remember them, away from life. We never got a scan pic, we lost one at 7wks and one at 9wks.

I also was hungry for knowledge about miscarriage, i searched the web and bought and read books. I don't know if it has done me more harm or good. At the time it was nice to know more about it as its a taboo subject, that not many people in real Life would talk about openly. Mumsnet was my saviour, tallking to people who have been through the same, and often went through it together with them, has been a godsend. We can compare feelings and share our thoughts. I have made some true friends through mumsnet who have now become real life friends as well. You are in the right place.

Hey jamiesam, thanks... I was initially mortified when I saw that these big grins came up on the screan!
I'm in two minds about everything at the moment. I can but I cant believe how hard it is to go through. I haven't gone a day without crying. Crying in itself makes me feel miserable. It's funny how you can be so somewhat composed one minute and so very much not the next. In general I think I am just sensitive all over. Anything unrelated I worry more over etc. As I am sure everyone knows only too well that this is just so horrible to go through
The other day at work I saw a couple with their disabled child. I smiled warmly at them. I would have in any case. After they left though I got to thinking that maybe our little honey tried to save us from going through the challenges of having a disabled child. Part of me felt greatful but guilty too because I wasn't for a second thinking badly for this family I observed. I had great admiration for them. I know as many say, in time it will get easier, but at the moment, whatever you try to comfort yourself by thinking things could have been worse or harder etc, you still want things to be back the way they were. I wish I was still pregnant and that everything was ok. Just seems like everywhere I look pregnancy is thrown in my face. In reality it is probably not so... just the same as if you go out and get a certain type of car, you see the same car as you have everywhere - but people havent suddenly gone out and got them, you just notice them more. Do I make sense? I'd probably not notice nearly as much if I hadn't been going through pregnancy/miscarraige myself.

diddle, I feel silly sometimes for being as emotional, upset and sad as I am for losing one baby when I have read and know that many women and their partners have lost 2 to several. How I feel now seems so raw and unbelievable. My heart breaks at the mere thought of anyone enduring the pain more than once. I agree with you completely about wondering if source for knowledge is more harm than good. Its like 'I need to know' but it kills me all the same. Hubby continues his incredible strength and comfort. I would be so lost without him. He told me not too read too much, especially when I am emotional (as in more highly emotional at the time). As I said, we talk and I know he is hurting too. It cant be any easier when I'm crying and feeling low often.
Isnt it funny, like you and many have said - miscarraige is such a taboo subject in society.
No wonder we feel so isolated. We're not making a point of going around telling everyone we see what we have been through, but if there is a time where it is relevant to say so - we do. Otherwise we are just denying ourselves and our angel sweetie. I think not talking about our pain is from a fear of what people will say and in return how we will feel and react to it. If it was the hot topic at work I couldn't handle it. It's just so personal. Why does it have to be so hard?
I have always believe everything happens for a reason, and that good always comes out of bad situations - there's something to be gained or learnt from everything...yet it's a struggle to think along those lines at the moment. Like a lot of Mumsnet darlings have said, it takes time and it will get easier yet. I know you are right, I just can't actually see it yet.
Like you said diddle, here is a place we can talk freely and ramble away. I'm safe here. I'm understood here.
We definately want to try again, as soon as we can. Just want to ensure doc's give me the green light. I so hope that the bleeding stops soon. It's rather light, but seems to be just dragging on. I've read that some women only bleed a few days, others up to a couple of weeks. Argh! Enough already I say. What was it like for other Mumsnetters?
Again, super big thanks to you all in sharing your stories and advice. I will never be able to tell you how very greatful I am.
XXX

I'd like to share my poem with you...

***

We never held you in our arms
or looked upon your face
We never saw you smile
or crawl at any pace
We never heard you cry
or any form of talk
We never got to hold your hand
or teach you how to walk
We never got to know you
because you couldn't stay
We never knew your plans
we didn't have a say
Of all the things we'll never
There's one thing that you do
Our precious one in Heaven
you take our love with you

***

Wishing love to you all XXXXXXX

Oh that is so lovely, it is really moving.

Oh Kbear that's beautiful.

Kbear,

How are you doing today?

In answer to your question on the subject of bleeding, I seem to have just stopped spotting yesterday. After passing the baby early on 13th Jan that makes 12 days of bleeding or spotting. I don't know if it makes a difference if you have had a d&c or not. Also you were a couple of weeks further along than me, so that is another variable.
Have you looked at the babyloss website? I think it is babyloss.com. There is some quite good detail on there about what the best case/worst case scenario is that you can expect in terms of bleeding after a miscarriage.

Are you going back for a check up in a few days? I have an appointment on Friday morning with the epu, when I think they are going to do a pg test (not sure if blood or urine). Hopefully I'll get the all clear. I'm not sure what else they are going to do.

On the subject of ttc, I have gone from saying that I thought I would wait for at least one cycle to be ready, to saying that we could maybe not try to conceive but also not use protection in this first month and risk it, to saying last night 'lets just go for it hammer and tong and do it twice a day for the next 6 weeks'!. (Not the most patient person, me.) But I do think that focussing on ttc and the future is helpful for me.

Hi rubles
I will check out the baby loss site tomorrow perhaps. Sounds good! I dont feel up to it at the moment. Today hasn't been a 'good' day. I was going to do share care with my GP. Today would have been my first official 'exciting' visit. Instead it was a not so happy one. I kept the same appointment anyway as I was only a few days short of the recommended check up time anyway. Doc was lovely and very compassoinate and giving me a hug. Hubby was with me all the time too. I'll see her again in just over a week so she can see how I am going and we can talk more etc if I need it. She said she is always there even if I just want to talk which is nice. I decided whilst at the Docs that seeing a social worker would definately be a good move and rang to make an appointment when I got home. The hospital provides these services and I think its good to go there where they have all my records. I could get in next Tuesday which is really good. I was hoping they wouldn't say they had a huge list and I'd have to wait. It's just emotionally exhausting. Like you said in your first message to me, when you think you are doing ok, it hits you unawares.
I'll be thinking of you on Friday. I hope you don't go to your appointment alone.
My doc's best recommendation is about 3 months before trying again. I wish I didn't have to wait that long, and it's not like an instruction - just a recommendation. But at the same time, if the doc says that - I don't want to do anything different. Y'know? We figure it'd be safer doing what she says. Who knows, we'll see as we go. We might like the hammer and tongs theory ourselves. The fact is that we know we definately DO want to try again.
I wish I could give you a genuine hug. Where ever you are in the world just know that virtual hugs from me in Oz are with you every day.
XXX

Thinking of you rubles XXX

So sorry about the loss of your baby

jamiesam - really sorry Hope you are okay.

Thanks for thinking of me kbear, that's really sweet. How are you doing?

I have just had my appointment and I'm feeling like I have taken a step backwards. I had to go to the same place that I had the scan a fortnight ago and it brought back all the memories to see the same faces of the nurses and sit in the same waiting room....I had my pregnancy test done, during which time I glimpsed my notes and saw that there were photos attached of the previous scans...and then I was left alone to wait for the result and to think about the photos and remember what the morning of the m/c was like, and I sat and quietly cried...the more I fought it, the more the tears kept coming and coming...I just wasn't expecting it but it all welled up from nowhere...I have just come out from the hospital and rang my dp to tell him, and I just stood there bawling in the street. Where is all this sadness coming from?? I thought I was doing alright - I went and had a few drinks and a laugh last night, and have been generally quite on form for the past few days.

I asked if I could take the picture from them of when the baby was alive at 8 weeks, but they couldn't let me - not that you could really see much, but still, I would like to have something to stare at now, even if it is just a blob...

To make matters worse the pg test was quite definitely positive so I have to go back in 2 weeks for another one - the tests I have been doing at home are obviously no good.

Is every Friday morning going to feel like this???? Am I going to always associate Fridays with miscarrying???

Sorry if this is a ramble - I haven't time to preview it as I have to pick dd up now.

So sorry to hear your news kbear..x

Rubles hope your are coping ok x

Kbear and Rubles...so very, very sorry for your losses. Thinking of you both. I was also very up and down following my own m/c last year--I think it's entirely normal and to be expected. Please keep posting and telling us how you feel, sadly there are so many of us here who have experienced the same kind of bereavement.

Hey rubles, I'm feeling for you I feel so heavy hearted. It's all just so overwhelming!!! I hadn't thought for a second about how it would be like going back to the hospital. I know what I'm like...I'll cry. I've never been an emotionally strong person and I feel I'm most definately at my weakest now. Did any one go with you? Hubby thinks its best I go to the appointment alone, I know where he is coming from and agree. But he'll take me there. I'll definately have him take me there now otherwise I dont think I'll make it through the doors.
I dont feel I am moving forward either. I can just imagine you in the street crying and that in itself makes me want to cry. How nice (under not so nice circumstances but you know what I mean) would it be to live close to each other right now and just say hey I'll be there in 5 - say I know exactly what you are going through and how you feel - and that we can atcually mean it. And then cry our eyes out together.
I'm so sorry that they wouldnt let you have the picture I'd ask again. Surely at the very least they could give you a photocopy. How could anyone deny parents the right of their only picture of their child. Try again, tell them how much it means to you and that you NEED it.
Will every Friday feel the same? rubles I am wondering exactly the same thing about Saturdays - both the 'I would have been 13weeks today' and 'It's been 2 weeks today' How can we ever break that cycle of thinking?
Why do they have to keep doing pregnancy tests? I don't understand. That must be so hard to take And as you said, yet another trip to the hospital and yet another reminder. Promise me you'll get someone to pysically accompany you there and be waiting for you when you are ready to go (if not relevent to stay the whole time) so that you don't have to go through the same thing again. Well, sadly the same idea as going back, but not be alone whilst doing so.
I have moments where I think I am doing alright too, but that's just the thing, they're just moments. In general I am just down. I don't know how to pick up. Hubby continues to be amazingly wonderful. If I could stick to his side 24/7 I would. But it's not possible and wouldn't exactly be for the best. But that's just where I want to be all the time, with him.
I just cant believe how I make something out of everything. I dont want people pampering me or all over me, and I dont want to talk about it with every Tom Dick and Harry, but if I know that somebody knows what I have been through and they say nothing at all - even just something brief to acknowledge, I wonder if they even care? I'm sure its just that they don't want to say something to upset me or dont even know what to say, but I just battle with it in me head and twist it every which way anyway. I tend to do that with everything.
Eagerly (as weird as that sounds to say) awaiting appointment with Social Worker on Tuesday. I know I need help and I'm not embarrassed or ashamed to say it or ask for it.
FirstNikki and Arabica - Thanks a bunch for your thoughts. Arabica - sorry for your loss too HUG