Just had 12 week scan, baby died at 8 weeks, what next ?

[HaveToWearHeels]

no heartbeat and baby measuring 8 weeks. I am so shocked as we had scan at 6 weeks due to previous ectopic and all was in the right place, have had no pains, no bleeding and was still having sickness until 2 weeks ago.

Scan lady was lovely and made appointment for me to go back to discuss my options with doctor. Obviously I have been carrying a dead baby around in me for 4 weeks which I just can't compute at the moment :( What can I expect tomorrow ? I would like to arm myself with as much info as possible.

On the emotional side I am a mess. I have DD who is 2 and I desperatley what her to have have a sibling, but at nearly 42 and one tube this now seems like a distant dream. I somehow feel that I was the custodian of this baby for me and DH and I have failed.

blackcats sorry to hear that you are also up and down. I also find myself on the verge of tears for no reason sometimes, and wondering about depression. Was thinking about seeing my GP. DH also not really bringing it up, apart from expressing disappointment that AF arrived and I was not pg straight away . TBH I was really pissed off at him, how dare he be disappointed. I felt like he was saying he was disappointed with me, which he has no right to be. He probably didn't mean that but I do just wish he would shut up sometimes.

hcg probably hangs about for varying lengths of time. I had a BFN 5 days after my ERCP. We started TTC again the next day. I had mostly stopped bleeding, maybe a little spotting at that point. DTD did start the bleeding up again, but only lightly and only for a couple of days. It was a bit bruised feeling the first time, but DYD again 2 days later and it was OK. I wouldn't TTC till you get a BFN. because if you do get a BFP you would always wonder if you really were pg or just had left over hcg from the mc. use contraception till then. I planned to do that but got a BFN early on.

I don't think there is anything you can do to stop it happening again, unless you have diagnosed ishoos. I've started to take vitamin B6, and was thinking about aspirin 75mg, but I'm not sure that there is any point in the latter in my case, as its more for clotting issues and recurrent miscarriage, which is not the case with me. B6 I think is useful for regulating the cycle, esp the LP, and is meant to be good for one's mood, so in my case might be a godsend. Just low dose though, as excess can make your fingers tingle!

I have been taking folic acid too, and some seven seas tonic for after illness because I haven't been feeling myself at all. Maybe its due to blood loss or just exhaustion from thinking too much and trying to be positive about everything all the time. Having a low day today, feel on verge of tears and back ache....maybe AF will rear its ugly head, although its only been 3 weeks since ERPC ;(

Depression is a normal part of the grieving process, crying and feeling down is normal too, medical depression is when is affects your everyday life for a long time, i have depression so know what i am talking about, don't be too hard on yourselves for feeling the way you do you have lost something special. blackcats if you feel yourself slipping into a Blake hole with no end go and see someone i am having counselling which is helping although its a long process and i am still struggling to let go of the pain i am feeling. Take care xxx

Glad to hear you have some definate information MrsHercule.

Thanks again for everyone sharing it does help a lot. I am not myself at all the last few days. Kids havent been very well and we have been able to cuddle up on sofa and sleep without feeling guilty that I'm not doing active or improving things with them. Went to a soft playcentre for a child we knows informal party and my kids were so grumpy and whiny. Think its the tail end of this viral thing but I just couldnt cope with it and just took them home.

Have been very low and couldnt even be bothered post on this thread today. Have had a sleep 6-9ish tonight but dont feel refreshed at all. Will probably find it something simple and i'm just coming down with the kids virus!!

Blackcats- I did a HPT yesterday and I also got a strong positive immediately. I have a good stock of cheap ones I can check with. My memory and concentration also shot.

Think I need to have a chat with DH as we havent actually talked about it as if I get upset I just cant get any words out. He does hug me which isnt like him but as he really didnt want this LO (initially- dont know if he really changed his mind) I dont know if I want to talk to hom as I dodnt think he feels the same in any way.

Got to phone work in the morning as to whether coming in this week. Just dont know if I'll be up to it but dont want to be seen as taking too much time off. I cant even make that decision.......

I'm off to bed now,but just wanted to say take your time to heal and see how you feel in the morning about work.

Big hugs.

Thanks MrsHP

bonzo77 i would have been hurt by what your DH said but i am sure he did not mean it that way and he would not have meant he is disappointed in you. I would talk to him, say it hurt, ask if he could keep his disappointment to himself in future and then tell him what sort of response would be helpful for you. For me personally, a touch on my hand or a hug and "don't worry, we'll get there soon" is the sort of thing i'd like, but that might not be right for you.

I'm going to try 75mg of aspirin, i've heard from many posters that their consultants have said it won't hurt as such a low dose (even without clotting problem). One woman i just read on MN took 150mg throughout after 3 MC in a row, she's just had her baby. She didn't say if she was diagnosed with the clotting problem though and i would not feel happy about 150mg unless it was ok'd with a consultant. My father has clotting problems and that alone is something that adds to my risk factors of a stroke- something that irritates me as everything else about me is so healthy and Dad did everything he could to pile on his risks.

shomes i've started taking my preconception vits again. They have folic in them. I hope you feel better soon.
swanseamum, i've suffered from clinical depression in the past and am paranoid about it coming back. I had to make lifestyle changes to keep it away as its a chronic condition, luckily these changes have worked pretty well .Thanks for reminding me that grief is different and normal, I shall try not to feel so scared about what i am feeling (right now i'm feeling angry , and sad, and keep thinking 'why me' which according to most MC help leaflets is exactly what most couples feel). I'm glad the counselling is helping you.

davidsmom try to talk to your DH . I cried before i said much to DP the other day but not enough that i couldn't communicate something to him. I would expect even if your partner didn't want the baby at first he will be sad at what you are going through and want to support you.
I'm due to return to work after annual leave (badly timed!) on Thursday this week. Dreading it, Thursday is my late finish and i'm in frontline customer services so will be on show, Thursdays are exhausting. Not sure if i'll go in or ask for another day off sick (i'm part time) . I'll decide on wednesday. On plus side work will help take my mind off things, though I do deal with families . I hope you start to feel better soon Davidsmom and escape the viral infection.

Hi everyone. davidsmom what did you decide about work in the end - hope you are feeling OK either way.

I told my headteacher today (have told a couple of people at work inc. my line manager) and she was very supportive and has said that if I need any time off at all, even just to go in the middle of the day then that is all fine. In some ways knowing I could just run off home if necessary makes it easier to be there and actually I do enjoy my job (teaching) and so during the day it is OK. It was on the car in the way home I suddenly and unexpectedly got teary today. DH has gone away for the week for work, he was supposed to go yesterday but flight cancelled and he went today so possibly that didn't help today.

bonzo sorry to hear your DH upset you, if he is anything like my DH he probably thought it was a good thing to say - letting you know that he wants to try again and as soon as possible withour realising how it came across. I think blackcats suggestion is a good one for speaking to him.

Sorry those of you feeling down and hope you start to feel better soon. I am still taking the conception/preg vitamins and because I am diabetic they are keeping me on the increased dosage of folic acid and also on insulin. Prior to pregnancy I was on tablets only, but they are going to keep me no the insulin ready for next time.

thanks for the kind words. blackcats that is what I need, a hug or something. I had another shitty night and day today. I said to DH last night that however much I want to be pg and want a sibling for DS, really I am also shitting myself at the prospect of another mc, and if I knew for certain that would happen again I wouldn't be sure I would want to TTC. to which he said "of course it will happen". So I replied, "of course what will happen again? Another mc" He said another mc. WTF. I was so fucking horrified that I just couldn't talk to him. He's really distracted with work, and could easily have said something he didn't mean first time round, but I gave him the opportunity to correct himself. I've got a huge tendancy to take things the wrong way, and it has caused lots of problems, so instead of assuming what it meant, if I can only find a negative connotation I ask for clarification. We spoke tonight and he had no recollection of the conversation, though did apologise. He cannot understand how I can be OK for weeks then be feeling crap again. He tries to delve deeper so he can "understand". I just find it hurtful, as if he wants me to explain myself because what I am feeling is unreasonable. Oh, and had a moment this morning, thinking I'm far too hormonal for someone who has just finished their AF, maybe it was an implantation bleed and I'm pg. But I resisted the urge to POAS, because that would be stupid. I was meant to take DS to meet a friend at a playgroup this morning, but couldn't face it. Feel rotten because DS would have loved it, and that I'm letting him down with all this wallowing.

Sorry, long indulgent post there.

Oh bonzo poor you, that does sound frustrating and upsetting. You're not wallowing, but taking the time you need to come to terms with it. Your DS needs you to be better in the long run, not the odd visit to a playgroup if you see what I mean. More hugs from me.

sorry to hear things are so up and down for you bonzo. I'm not sure what to make of your husbands comment. Sounds like he is distracted and possibly not thinking carefully about what he says- especially if he has no recollection the next day of the conversation. Try not to feel bad about not making it to the playgroup, you don't need to be punishing yourself with negative thoughts right now.

I saw a GP yesterday (unfortunately my favourite doctor at the surgery has left so i'm moving around them all trying to find one I like as much, this one was completely new to me) anyway went to request a blood test , had notes written down in case i started crying and needed to point or get her to read what i'd written ( i did start crying but quickly stopped, funnily enough using the notes helped me stop) . She was ok, has agreed to a full blood count as a starter (not what i wanted but its a standard test) but she did offer me counselling. I've declined as I don't think i need it but i have had counseling before and it is very helpful. I'd urge anyone on here who is struggling to cope to see their GP, you will probably get fairly limited help (i.e a fixed number of sessions) but anything will help and then the Miscarriage association have a telephone helpline, not sure if they offer counselling but someone to talk to/listen carefully to you is so helpful.

Hi All sorry for lack of replies to your kind responses just hada few days of being low. Took this week off as well and although sometimes I think I'm just being silly and should have gone to work the next minute something random will set me off in tears. Unfortunately at my work is very difficult to be flexible about going in or not. Its very much black or white. Your in and doing everything your job entails or your not. They have strict limits on amount of time you can take off in days and actual episodes over a year. I got caught out before when took a day off then went in the next as felt better and didnt want to burden collegues. Then ended up feeling worse so took the next day off. Because it was 2 seperate dates, despite being the same illness it was categoriesed as being 2 separate episodes. So if go in and have to take more time off will be 2 out of a 4 episode maximum. Unfortunately I had a bad chest infection just before Christmas and had 2 days off and would end up with only 1 more possibility of being off sick before Dec 2012 or will I get formal disciplinary measures. This is despite up until last Christmas not being off for 14 months. Sorry rant over, just find their system messed up. Understandable but messed up.

Work also want a sicknote so had to phone GP's they are quite good and a GP phoned back and has arranged it over the phone. Thought I was doing quite well and actually managed to say the "M" word without feeling all strange then she went all sympathetic on me offering appointments to just talk about it etc & I just broke down in tears again. Havent even told my mum about it -was planning on waiting til Nuchal scan etc results. Just cant face sympathy at the moment in RL. Here is fine tho!

We have 2 DC (girl and boy) which came late in my life with no previous conception problems so realise I am very lucky and should leave it at that and not "push our luck" but havent talked to DH about recent events and want to broach the subject of considering actually TTC. He was so adamant before that think I'm setting myself up for disappointment but will regret not mentioning it in the future. I know he is genuinely sad for me at the moment but I am convinced that he is not sad about losing our baby as he is happy with 2. I'm not sure how we can reconcile our different views if end up talking about it. Afraid I might get upset if at some point he says I didnt want it anyway although should expect it!? Not finding it easy to explain this

Bonzo77 Big hugs your way. You are obviously hurting a lot still. I am rubbish at communicating with my DH so any advice may not be worth a lot. But some of what you say sounds as if he is trying to understand how you are feeling but he does also sound extremely distracted if he replies about something so important to you both then doesnt remember the conversation. This is really something you really dont want any miscommunication about.

Thinking of everyone.

thanks for your kind words, again. Feel like I am needing more support that I give. Feeling rubbish still today. I managed to get in with my GP this morning. I feel like she's the only person in RL who has given me permission to feel the way I do. She reminded me that its only a month since my ERPC, that a mmc presents a whole different set of ishoos from a normal mc, particularly if there has been a big delay between diagnosis and treatment. She's referred me to counselor and asked me to come back in 2 weeks for another chat. Not sure if I feel any better, but great to have my feelings acknowledged as normal in RL.

The whole miscommunication thing is very damaging. It's an ongoing problem that has always been painted as mine because I misconstrue what is said. DH needs to take some responsibility now, because there is finally proof that it is not all because of what I think I hear, but because he genuinely says stupid, ill considered things. We're at a very low point, of course the mc and the months TTC are contributing factors. He is having a tough time at work, and has been for a year or so. I've done nothing but be supportive, emotionally and practically. My natural tendancy is not to talk about stuff or ask for support. So doing so is a big deal for me, and I've only really done this with him, no one else. It's bizarre as he comes across as very caring and emotionally literate, if not that practical. My mother has more or less told me to pull myself together. I feel there's not much understanding about at the moment. I hope that this counselor gets back to me soon.

Hi All, Sounds like we are all struggling at the moment - have had some OK days and then it all just hits me again like a truck! Still so raw though.

Bonzo sorry to hear you are feeling so down and that your DH has upset you with his comments. It is so hard and don't beat yourself up about not taking your DS to play group - you need to do what you need to do to get through each day!

Blackcats glad GP was fairly helpful, my GP offered me counselling too but I declined it at the moment as although this is very hard, I feel I am coping.

MrsHercule glad your headteacher was understanding and I think you are right, knowing you can escape if it becomes too much, helps you stay put and cope. Hope your week isn't too difficult with DH away.

Davidsmom that sounds a very strict sickness policy where you work - I used to work somewhere similar and it can be so stressful, especially at a time like this when you don't need any added stress or pressure. Glad you got a certificate from the doctor anyway. Sorry you are feeling so differently to your husband - we too have 2 DC and think I should just leave it now due to my age and I really can't face another M/C. Luckily my DH is pretty much leaving it to me and I am still thinking that not TTC is the sensible option for the whole family. BUT, a huge part of me can't let it go, it is an instinct that I feel and although my brain says it is silly, I just can't imagine not having a baby now! I hope you can talk to your DH and come to a decision you are both happy with.
I have told people on RL but am finding it hard coping with other people's reaction to the news of my M/C. One friend in particular really upset me last week because she popped to see me and then spent the whole time telling me how sad SHE was, and how upset the news made HER, and how sorry SHE was that she couldn't do more. Sounds like I am being really mean (probably am) but I just spent the whole time comforting her and telling her it was all OK and that I was alright! Then she asked if we were trying again as she would be so jealous if I was!!! WTF. I just said I found that a bit insensitive because obviously if we do TTC it will be very frightening and MC might happen again. She only has 1 child and is quite bitter as her DH refuses to have any more. Anyway, I am probably being ever so unreasonable as I know there is nothing anyone can say that helps but I'd rather they just said sorry and left it, if I want to talk I will.

Anyway, the snow has been a pleasant distraction and had some fun with my girls. I really hope you are all having better days today. Take care everyone.

loublou at your "friend". Some friends of ours had a still birth in June. Another one of our friends (who had just had her 2nd baby) had a similar sort of reaction. TBH I never liked her, she's very self centred and her reaction was not a surprise. You just need to give people like that a wide berth.

Hi ladies - sorry, to hear about all your experiences :(

I had a mmc at the beginning of Jan, and had a erpc. I was 11 weeks but measured as 8. It wasn't a huge surprise as the pregnancy hadn't felt 'right' from the start, but horrible to have it confirmed. I knew what they'd say when I went for the scan, and asked for them to turn the main screen off as soon as I went in, I was that sure there would be no heartbeat :(

I've noticed, reading this thread, just how many of us had an early scan and then went on to miscarry anyway. I always thought that once you'd seen a heartbeat, the chance of mc was really low. I've had 3 pregnancies - 1 successful and 2 losses (1 mc, 1 from abnormalities) - and had an 8 week scan with all of them. I am desperate to be pregnant again but i'm scared by the idea too - the first 12 weeks in particular will surely be unbearably stressful? Especially as I will no longer be able to feel reassured by an early scan :(

I hope you are all feeling stronger soon and that 2012 will bring us all successful pregnancies.

Kirrin I am understandably wary abou the whole thing now as well especially as even an early scan does not guarantee a MMC.

Its been 3 weeks since the MMC and I do still feel quite bitter about the whole thing some days, not sure if its just hormones and the dreaded AF is on its way soon?

Everything just seems a drag at the moment, looking forward to the half term as DS is still at nursery until december when he starts school so i am making the most of time alone!

I have been reading the post for the last 2 days. Same story here, 12 weeks scan to be told that baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks. I did an ERP 3 days later (monday) and all went well so would recommend this option. Could not leave with the idea that i might miscarry anytime...
I'm going back to work on friday but hoping that I can hold it together.
I have a lovely DD1 who keeps me busy but the sense of loss is still there and I'm feeling worse today than before...
Any idea about how long before we feel better?
I can not wait to try again but I'm dreading the idea of falling pregnant again and worrying until we reach the 12 weeks scan....
big hug to all xx

davidsmom i think you are right in thinking you may regret not talking to your partner in the long run but i can completely understand your fear in him possibly saying no he doesn't want to try for another child. Its a difficult one but i think being open and honest about feelings is very important in a relationship .I too find RL sympathy hard to cope with, I always have. Even though I know bottling things up and keeping stiff upper lip isn't good i don't feel great about starting to cry whenever anyone says a kind word or I say i had a miscarriage and i've had to tell some people , GP, receptionist at surgery to cancel MW apps etc
bonzo sorry to hear your mother had such an unhelpful reaction to your distress. You are gieving and even if you're a stiff upper lip type person like me crying randomly or when you see/think of something that sets you off is completely normal. It takes an awful lot to make me cry but i've shed quite a few tears and no doubt plenty more are to come. I've also decided i wasn't ready to return to work yet and am having a few extra days off. When you are feeling stronger maybe you and your partner can start working on your communication problems as it does sound damaging.
Hi to liny and kirrin, sorry for your loss, it is such an awful thing to go through. I think the time it takes varies and you will have good days and bad days. I still feel sad at the loss of my first over 20 years ago, but it doesn't consume me and hasn't done for many years, but it is still there.
I won't pay for another early scan but may consider taking up offer of one at EPU, not sure yet how I feel about that. I read another woman who had 3 consecutive MC who had regular scans starting at 8 weeks and went on to have a healthy baby ,she found it helpful, i'll see how it goes. Apparently reaching 8 weeks and having seen the heartbeat the stats of a MC are 5%. I fell into that 5%. It really means that I will not be able to feel safe in another pregnancy until I have my baby in my arms.
Going into town or the supermarket is hard, town especially so many babies, so many mums in cafes with babies, so many loved up coupes with their babies. However can't stay at home all day.
Also bought baby hat in an online sale today- couldn't have faced it in RL. A little grey merino woolly hat. I am trying to be positive and think about a baby arriving next winter. Silly i know but I think being positive has to be better generally.

blackcat I would still go for as many scans as possible I think, I would hope they would offer some reassurance, even if it doesn't last long. I think a lot depends on your epu though. I am lucky enough to have 2 hospitals near me - one will do so called reassurance scans at a push, the other won't even consider it. Postcode lottery unfortunately. Will your epu oblige do you think?

That is the statistic that I read too - that's why I was so surprised that so many on this thread had experienced it :(

I think staying positive is the best way forward - hard to do but definitely best.

I have mixed feelings about early scans. After all, they don't change anything, and everything can look fine at 8 weeks and not at 12. If I'd had an 8 week scan this time, it probably would have picked up my mmc a bit earlier, saving me at least 4 weeks of wondering if I was pregnant. For me, that's the only advantage. Any reassurance value only lasts as long as you are in the scan room. My GP seemed pretty confident I could get an early scan on the NHS, but I am in London and have easy access to about 5 hospitals.

I know what you mean bonzo - it would be reassuring to see a heartbeat, but you'd start worrying again almost straight away :( I still think I'd do it though, even though i did have an 8 week scan with this one and everything looked fine then...

Hi All,

I was feeling OK today then was just watching sommething tonight and just dissolved in tears. Cant even remember what it was. Thank goodness I didnt go back to work.

Anyway, not that I'll be in that position again but I would recommend having an early scan again. If I had not had a 6 week scan with heartbeat and then the second at 9 weeks but measuring 6 weeks with no heartbeat technically it could be an early pregnancy so would have had to wait for another week to have the miscarriage I knew had happened confirmed/treated.

I would not be reassured by a scan given my previous experience but it really helped when needed to know what had happened.

I still havent had a chat with DH as I know it will end badly and havent the strength.

Take care.

i don't know if my local EPU would give me a reassurance scan. I'll have to ask GP when i go in to say i'm pregnant again (positive thinking over here!). I too have mixed feelings about early scans. My early scan was a private one at £99, i don't regret it but not sure i'd want to pay again. On plus side everything was in right place and looked good- well attached, she mentioned yolk sac and a couple of other things (er heart beat...), she pointed out that I had good supply of eggs. So that reassures me that it was most likely a chromosomal abnormality, not a scientific deduction but as the vast majority of MC are i shall go by that. If baby had made it alive to NT scan DP and I may have had to make an awful decision if scan showed baby was poorly and was unlikely to make it , it doesn't lessen the sad feelings I have but makes me feel bit more practical about it all.
Should have gone back to work today but have a couple more days off . Today i'm having some routine blood tests done. Hope everyone gets through today ok.

had my blood tests, not sure if i misunderstood the GP during the consultation or if she changed her mind after I left but i had the tests i wanted done plus the full blood count. This means i'm being tested for clotting problems. Very happy about that!