Just had 12 week scan, baby died at 8 weeks, what next ?

[HaveToWearHeels]

no heartbeat and baby measuring 8 weeks. I am so shocked as we had scan at 6 weeks due to previous ectopic and all was in the right place, have had no pains, no bleeding and was still having sickness until 2 weeks ago.

Scan lady was lovely and made appointment for me to go back to discuss my options with doctor. Obviously I have been carrying a dead baby around in me for 4 weeks which I just can't compute at the moment :( What can I expect tomorrow ? I would like to arm myself with as much info as possible.

On the emotional side I am a mess. I have DD who is 2 and I desperatley what her to have have a sibling, but at nearly 42 and one tube this now seems like a distant dream. I somehow feel that I was the custodian of this baby for me and DH and I have failed.

Hi blackcats - did you test again this morning? what was the result? I hope you are feeling OK and I am sure that the person on the phone realised you were upset and not rude, they must be trained to deal with that all time which is probably why she asked you outright rather than waiting for you to try to explain if that makes sense.

I thought I was feeling OK about trying again as soon as possible, but actually I am getting more and more terrified too about going through the same thing again.

Fingers crossed your period comes next week and all is well for you and you get it all sorted soon!

How are you today blackcats?

How's everyone else doing? The sun is shining today and it's reflecting my mood. Yesterday was a weepy today and I'm so glad I woke up happier today - know it's one day at a time but you've got to grab the better days with both hands haven't you!

Bleeding is tailing off I think. Will start thinking about ttc again in a few weeks I think. Like everything to do with pregnancy, it doesn't matter how much you read/google/hear from others, there's not set format and nothing is going to change whatever may happen, doesn't stop me reading loads about people getting pregnant after mc though!

Hope everyone is okay today xx

Hi all

Blackcats, as Hercule said, I'm sure the lady on the phone didn't think you were rude at all. Working where she does she will know how precarious these things are and how upsetting it is when things don't go to plan.

Dorita, glad you are feeling more positive today after yesterday. You are bound to have good days and bad days.

Still no sign of AF here, so not sure really how long that will take. I suppose it's not even been a fortnight since the ERPC so I am probably expecting a bit much. just want things to get back to normal!

Hope you are all ok.

Ethelred I have just started another thread on the subject of AF after ERPC.
7 weeks since ERPC and so far no AF :(. As DH and I have been taking ne precautions I have being doing a pregnancy test each week for the last three weeks. Hospital told me up to 6 weeks, so I have made an appointment at the Docs for Tuesday just to run it by him as at 41 I feel like I am running short on time :(

Hi all. Hope you are doing ok, thanks for all your messages of support about my BFP news.
blackcats hope your appointment goes ok tomorrow or the bleeding finally stops before then. Hope that everyone has managed to enjoy some of the sunshine today (sadly not me as been in meetings all day)

But I'm feeling positive, did another test, this time a ClearBlue Digital so I could see how far along I was, another BFP and the last few days have started to get more symptoms...nausea (actually welcomed it!), stomach twinges etc

Test showed 3+ weeks since conception, working back this means I must have got pg the very first time we did the deed post ERPC! DH & I work quite different hours most weeks so only see each other properly on weekends which makes it easier for me to work out when I must have conceived.

For anyone else who is TTC straight away, I believe I conceived 19 days after ERPC op (counting day 1 as day after op). This suggests my cycle kicked off again about a week after the op. Last time it took us 5 months TTC so certainly does back up what I heard about being more susceptible to fall pg quickly post MC.

I am feeling optimistic about the new pg, DH is actually the one who is more worried. I was a bit upset that he wasn't happier by the news but i think he is just so anxious about the potential of going through the whole MMC again. I did point out, (maybe unfairly), it was actually me who had to go through it, yes we both suffered emotionally but I had to deal with the physical side as well.

Have booked midwife appt for a couple of weeks time, would like to try to get early scan again as if anything is wrong would rather know sooner than later.
I know officially it will be hard to date this pg as didn't wait for AF but I'm pretty sure about dates still and reckon I will be due mid Oct.

I hope this gives everyone else who wants to TTC again some hope that it can happen quickly, just fingers crossed now for a safe & healthy pregnancy x

Hi everyone,

Can I join you all?

I had an erpc in december, should have been 13wks, lost the Baby around 8.

Just to add my experience of AF returning I had light spotting for 2days 4wks after erpc, then 8wks after a proper AF.

Were TTC already, AF due in 8 days. So everything crossed.

The pains still pretty raw though, not helped by sodding bounty emailing me weekly despite several emails to cancel it!

HaveToWearHeels - I don't know if it helps at all, but I was told AF could return anytime up to 10 weeks after ERPC and that it just depended on my body, hormones and all sorts of things and that they have no way of telling.

Redbird - how exciting fingers crossed for you that all goes well!

I thought I was feeling better about it all and able to speak to people, but told someone today and got a little teary and then an friend came over with her DD this afternoon and I had a little cry when talking to her too! I was fine though within minutes each time... I think it is just that everyone has been lovely and sympathetic and it just sets me off a little bit again each time!

I keep thinking that I will start my healthy eating tomorrow, but have yet again been rubbish. I am still on insulin and really need to get my eating under control so that I can then try to manage my diabetes better. Of couse not being pregnant doesn't give me the same incentive if you see what I mean and of course I need to sort it out ready for TTC again...

Dorita, you sound as bad as me at looking things up on the internet!!!!

welcome stateofconfusion , so sorry for your loss. How awful to keep getting emails from them, i shall make a point of not signing up for them . Try marking them as spam , might only take another 1 or 2 getting though before they go straight to spam in future.

thanks for everyone's kind words and reassuring me that the person at the hospital wouldnt think me rude.

I did indeed test again- another negative yesterday ( 2 days in a row) so i cancelled the scan. I then almost immediately dried up. No spotting at all for about 10 hours yesterday, i was so happy i lured DP into bed, only to later see sheets covered in blood- cue me being rather upset - assuming it was sex related or just more endless bleeding. However this morning i realised it was far heavier than before and the colour was different, bright red. Its continued all day so i think i've got my period! At the moment its not bad, minimal pain but then I don't tend to have heavy or very painful periods . It seems early but as i said a few posts ago several places say its possible from 2 -3 weeks afterwards. Its 3 weeks today since ERPC but i was bleeding for 9 days prior to my op. I'm feeling tentatively optimistic and hope my cycle returns to normal straight away. I so hope those of you waiting don't have to wait much longer , for me feeling so removed from my body and what was going on was terribly hard to deal with.

congrats redbird. I know my DP is worried sick about it happening again (as am I). Glad you are feeling positive (important for you mentally , 9 months of anguish is tough for anyone to deal with) and i wish you a safe uneventful pregnancy!

mrshercule i'm the same, any kind word and i'm teetering on the edge of tears- like you i seem able to pull myself together quickly. I'm intending to start eating healthily again now it looks like i have my AF, i've been better already today. Although i'd love to drop a few pounds my main motive is to keep as fertile as possible and that means improving my nutrition .

Sry StateOfConfusion x-post!!! Sorry for your loss and how annoying about the e-mails.

thanks Hurcule seems conflicting information from different sources. 10 weeks seems likely, I would just hate to wait for three months then to find something was wrong.

Redbird so so pleased for you. I know from experience that getting pregnant again helped me heal so much. I am sure that you will get an early "reasurance" scan. Please keep us updated as this is just the story that we all want to hear :)

Just a quick message to say I have everything crossed for you redbird. would be lovely to have some good news on this thread!

So good to hear a 'success' story redbird I have my fingers crossed for you :)

Have just marked them as spam, why didn't I think of that before doh!

So is there anyway for me to stop insanely symptom spotting? Af due in one week and today I felt a bit sick, felt run down a few days, totally exhausted and headachey. Got a brief spell of heartburn also. All just wishfull thinking I recon.

Hi all,

MrsHercule and blackcats I'm glad I'm not the only one. I think I'm doing okay and then get teary, only for minute or so but it's the fact you don't know when it'll happen. Sometimes it's when someone is nice but it's also the thought of having to function properly in work soon...I'm planning on returning to work on Monday but the thought of it now has made me cry a bit.

This afternoon I've got first doc's appointment since ERPC last Fri as I want to sort my sick note out as well as general chat about negative blood group etc. I've had 2 weeks off so far as I took the week after the 2nd scan when waiting to miscarry, the ERPC was the end of that first week, and then this week.

I'm still getting tired if I do too much. I know all this and being teary is normal and will continue for a while but I'm wondering whether I should take more time off or just get back to normal. My boss will probably be okay with me working say Mon, Weds, Thurs next week rather than the full week so that's an option too. Although I want to get back to normal, I don't want to rush back an affect overall 'recovery' and getting healthy for ttc. What do others think from your experiences?

Stateofconfusion you sound normal! Symptom spotting etc..when ttc I was so aware of everything my body did and until I did get pg, paid attention to every little twinge/feeling so assume that'll be the same now waiting for AF! Hang in there

Re the websites I'd signed up to, most were simple 'unsubscribe' buttons but some took you to the site and made you search through and alter details like 'when's your baby due' - not very considerate and made me so angry

Not very well thought out of the websites. I was lucky in that the miscarriage started in my half term so I wasn't at work ad had had this week off, although I do only work three days.

I was shattered after my first 'normal' day lolling after DD yesterday, but I do think I'm ready to start getting back to normal and am already worrying about my 6th form classes missing lessons! I also know that I can teach some lessons sitting down a lot and getting them to come to me for help rather than rhe other way round if necessary - not ideal but I did it when necessary when pregnant so I know it is fine inthe short term.

Maybe the the three das next week dorita - do you have to say in advance or can you see how you feel after Monday?

I'm not sure, I was planning on phoning my boss this morning but have just had a very teary half hour. Was supposed to be seeing a friend this aft who's just had her 2nd baby (thought it would help and to be honest, yesterday I felt fine about it) but today the 2 things - uncertainty about work and new baby have made me cry. I've cancelled seeing my friend. Because this is all so damn unknown it makes it so hard to plan ahead, arrgh!

I'll have a cup of tea then ring my boss, I'll tell her how I am, that I want to get back to normal but am unsure how I'll feel on Monday/am up & down emotionally, see what she says.

Thanks HP

Sorry, it's about me today!

My boss rang and I told her I was up&down etc..she was great, said she's happy being flexible, if I want to go back on Monday I can, and if want to go straight home no probs, also can just 'be' in the office but as my work's covered by others there's no need to take it all back until I'm ready. Also said it's okay if I wake up Monday and don't feel ready to go in.

Think I'm going to get doc's note to cover the 2 weeks I've had off already and then just use my leave when I need to over next week or so. Luckily I always hang on to my leave 'just in case' so have 3 weeks left to end of March.

stateofconfusion assuming this is my period (and i think it is) i had no warning that it was due, looking back maybe i was eating more cakes/biscuits than usual (typical premenstrual behaviour for me) but then i was also feeling down and sweet stodge is what i comfort myself with.

dorita i've seen two different GPs since my ERPC, both have been wonderful. I hope it helps to talk to someone. They may want to keep an eye on you if you are finding things very hard, they may offer some counselling. The way you are feeling is completely normal, its still such early days. As for work. I had 2 weeks and a bit off ( i work 3 days a week, none of them consecutive). I was due to go back after a prebooked holiday on a Thursday but its such a long day for me i knew it wasn't right. I chose to return my next working day- a saturday which is also my shortest working day. I've a history of chronic depression and have to take care not to do too much or I will relapse, that's why this pattern of work suits me. I also do front line customer services so i can't hide away, and much of my work involves standing up . Look at all the factors that may affect you and weight it up. I am still tired, i'm still not myself with customers. I think my tiredness is related to emotions, and the fact that my body was (and maybe still is) still 'playing up', my endless bleeding got to me, as i imagine it would get to someone if they were waiting an excessive period of time for their AF. Although i find work tiring it is on balance for me better than sitting at my computer endlessly googling what i can do to prevent another miscarriage or looking for women my age (44) who have had successful pregnancies- which is what my days were filled with after I found out our baby had died. Writing that brings tears to my eyes.
You will start to find it easier, i'm better now than i was 2 or 3 weeks ago. We just all need to be kind to ourselves and not push ourselves too much. I'm going to finish my DIY project today then go for a walk and maybe start planning some healthy meals for week aheda, i will not google endlessly.

oh x post dorita. That sounds very reasonable, great she is ok with being flexible. I had annual leave booked so 1 of my weeks post recovery came from that as I couldn't cancel it. I didn't mind that. I've used my last few days up to books off random days, makes my working week even shorter which helps with the tiredness (which is probably a touch of mild depression). I hope you feel better soon. I know once i cancelled my Thursday return i felt a huge weight had been lifted as i was worried about coping.

You're right blackcats doctor was great. I told her I planned going to work on Monday, teary at the time and she asked if that was a good idea..! Said see how I feel and if I need a note for a few days, ring them on Monday for one.

Feel much better that there's no pressure so that'll make it easier, am just going to with the flow after the weekend.

Doc also said we can start ttc as soon as we want, we'll get pregnant when my body's ready so no need to wait for a first cycle. That's made me happy

Hope everyone is okay this Fri night.

That's good Dorita - both on work front and TTC front!

Dorita- your boss sounds lovely.

I had a bad day today, thoughtless sil was due around the same time as me, her and her dh kindly tagged dp mil and fil in there 20wk scan pics so I had it splattered on my facebook no less than 5 times! Along with "lifes soooo perfect" comments so I quietly unfriended them and switched my phone off.

I've realised sometimes protecting myself is more important that worrying about other people, I was feeling more 'ok' and that's knocked me for six.

Oh stateofconfusion you've done the right thing, and you can always friend them again in future if you want, best to do what's best for you at the moment. Things like this are going to happen and none of us know how we'll feel or react, just got to remember however we do it's normal, it's personal and entirely our right to do what we need to do xx

Thank you Dorita.

Dps yet to say anything, I just worry ill end up looking 'mean' etc when they have every right to be happy.

I spent the weekend with my dear friend who has pcso so its made me feel rather grateful for the dc I do have and a little less raw over the ones I've lost.

Stateofconfusion that must have been difficult for you. Hope you are feeling more 'ok' again now.

I am going back to work tomorrow - was worrying a bit about it, more what to say to people when they ask so I can have a ready response without getting pitty and me getting upset! I sort of don't want to lie about it though as the more people I have told the more I realise have experienced mc and it seems as if you are the only one when it happens to you. I'd like other people and my friends to know someone if they are ever unfortunate to experience if, which of course I hope they don't. I don't know if that makes sense, but I think it would be nice if it was a bit less taboo somehow, although of course the balance between talking about it and not getting upset is difficult!!!

DD, who has been sick about 3 times in her entire life has been sick 4 times tonight. All her bedding and pyjamas are being washed and I am exhausted! Less time to worry about tomorrow though!!!! My parents luckily are around and are going to look after her tomorrow as I feel as if I can't take the day off after being off last week too.

Hope everyone else had lovely weather and weekends too.

Hi Mrshp just a quick one to say hope work's ok. You'll feel so much better once you're thru the door and been in half an hour, I'm going back tomorrow and taking today and Friday as leave. Let us know how it goes for you