Miscarriage aftermath

[Sazzel]

This is my first ever post on an internet forum. I had a miscarriage on 17th November at 12 weeks 2 days pregnant. This was my first pregnancy after 11 months of ttc. I was so excited about this baby. I had already researched baby cinema, baby yoga classes and baby swimming classes. In my head this baby was a girl although we never found out because our scan was booked for 5 days after I miscarried and by the time we had a scan there was nothing there just "clots" according to the radiographer.

I'm haunted by the memory of all the blood, the feeling of my husband's hand whilst they were doing the scan, the two of us walking back down the corridor after we found out there was no baby anymore. You know how a scan picture is supposed to look don't you, you see them on friends Facebook profile pictures all the time! and where there should be a baby - just nothing.

I've just had to come home from work because I was on the verge of crying in the office and just didn't feel like I could hold it together any longer today. So I thought I would use the time to try and understand what has happened/is happening to me.

When I first started to bleed which was late at night I found that I was needing to wee every 10 minutes or so. This went on all through the night. Did this happen to anyone else and can anyone explain what causes this?

Does anyone else feel like their whole body hurts? Mine feels bruised and is really sensitive to the touch although to look at I look perfectly normal.

Did anyone else feel sad to see their body change? I know I should probably have expected it but none of the doctors we saw warned me. I found that a few days after I started bleeding my tummy had gone flat again and now I'm sure that my breasts are smaller than they were before I even got pregnant. I feel small and really sad. I keep thinking that by now I should have a little bump and I find myself looking in the mirror missing the body that I was going to have if that makes sense.

I miscarried my first two pregnancies, so i know how much it hurts, however i had two delayed miscarriages (i.e you go to the scan thinking that everything is normal only to be told the baby has no heart beat) I know how empty you feel and how you blame yourself. I felt hurt all over, but i wonder if thats psychological, i couldnt get out of bed and could only sleep after for weeks.

I also believe that my first (junior) was alittle girl and my second was a boy (little one). Its hard to understand why we lsoe our babies, especially when you have desperately one wanted that baby. Life seems so unfair.

I would love to be able to give you the answers to your questions which you so desperately need. Unfortunately, i cannot tell you the answers. But i can tell you that it was NOT anything you did or didnt do. The sad fact is that not all babies make it. And they are trying to research into the causes, but even those women who have repeated miscarriages and test carried out often still do not get a clear cause of the msicarriages.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know it hurts, but it does get easier. Thats not to say that you ever forget the baby you lost because you wont. My little girl would be five come boxing day, and my little boy would be three come march 26th.

I consider myself lucky, i lost two but i now have a perfectly healthy, happy little boy and i dont doubt you have been told this but i believe that everything happens for a reason, even if you cannot see the reason at the time or if you never see the reason.

I wish you all the best of luck, and would recommend that you find a place you can go to remember the little girl that you've lost, and try not to shut your partner out, he is hurting too.

Best wishes and a great big hug.

xx

Thank you for replying, I did my post and then freaked out and thought no one is going to reply so the fact that you did has helped enormously.

EllenandBump thanks so much, it helps to know that it gets easier and to know that other women have gone on to have a baby after miscarriage. That's one thing that has really bothered me is if I will ever have a baby and sometimes I don't think I will ever want to try again.

baublelugs82 I know what you mean about eating meat. My mum suggested steak for dinner (to get my iron levels up) after we got back from the hospital and I thought the same. Incidentally she also suggested a nice hot bath so I had to explain to her why that would not be so much fun. She has however been brilliant in every other way so I can't really hold that against her.

So sorry for you recent loss -Sazzel & baublelugs82 -
Its so fresh i can relate to all those feelings and the 1st scan heartbreaking news!
my thought are with you all xxx

sazzle So sorry about your loss. Exactly the same here. I miscarried on Friday morning - I'd been bleeding the night before & when I went for a scan ... nothing. No baby.

If it's any consolation, since this happened people I had no idea that had miscarried (such as my godmother) told me that they had gone through the same. They assured that I would feel better after a while.

Patience is not my strong point and the last 6 days have dragged on & on. We'll get through this, girls!

xxx

Hi Sazzel, so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage on the same day, well I had my 12 wk scan on the 17th, where we found out the baby died at 10 wks. I'm amazed you're back at work, I'm not going back til Monday. I've just been a wreck, in total shock for at least a week.

I don't have any answer to your questions I'm afraid, just wanted you to know you're not alone x

So good to know I'm not alone. I'm so sorry for all your losses and I hope you are all doing ok. This is such a confusing time. One minute I'm fine then suddenly I feel like I will never be ok again.

tasmaniandevilchaser I'm not sure going back to work so soon was such a good idea, I just didn't want to be alone in the house. Sometimes it's been a good thing having the distraction and sometimes it's been the worst idea. I hope going back to work goes ok for you. My boss keeps telling me just focus on one day at a time, or if that's too much just the next hour. She has been really good.

I found myself walking round Tescos last night singing Christmas carols and being ok, then thinking that was not really appropriate, but I keep telling myself it's ok to feel ok. Then the next minute feeling like my heart is broken. We went to a gospel concert tonight and one of the songs was Songbird by Eva Cassidy and the soloist had such a beautiful voice and I just sat there crying thinking about the baby we've lost and how loved they would have been.

Does anyone else get mad at stupid things? I'm furious because I was so looking forward to seeing the new twilight film but now I don't think I could cope, thought I could but my friend told me it's quite graphic. It seems wrong to be mad about not being able to watch a film given what's happened but I do.

How does everyone feel about Christmas? People keep asking what I want for Christmas, the obvious answer to me is "my baby" but I don't think they really want to hear that. But it's hard to think of an answer because I'd planned to ask for things like a bump support cushion and I'd seen a really nice topshop maternity top that I had asked my husband to get me and he'd asked me to get him a book on how to be a good dad :-(

Does anyone else find that their OH's don't really consider it a baby? Maybe you don't feel that it was a baby yet either? Mine doesn't, he's really sad but when I talk about our baby he says it wasn't a baby yet, not in an unkind way but to him we've lost a pregnancy not a baby.

sazzle Other people won't understand. I had my first 'outing' today (haven't seen anyone but DH since mc last week). I went for lunch with friends and they were kind and stuff but were obviously oblivious to a) the physical pain (to be fair, I never aware of it till now), they all assumed I'd been off work because of the grief, not because I could was actually unable to leave the bed/sofa b) the grief. They see it as a setback, something I'll recover quite quickly from. And you know what? Bless them. I hope all my friends remain unaware of how absolutely soul destroying a mc is.

So come here and talk to us. We do understand.

Hi - I wouldn't even begin to pretend how your feeling as your loss is so recent! So very sorry! Yeh a good present would be our babies! (If only)
I find my mood goes all over the place right now I guess it's close to my AF and also nearly my due date!
My manager at work said I may have to work on what should of been my due date! I'm quite upset actually at the insensitive way she spoke to me I will have to wait till next week if she's giving me my leave dates!
Bahhhhhh humbug right now!!!!!!!!

Maja that's exactly what I've been thinking when people haven't understood - lucky them they don't get it, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Sazzel are you going to carry on at work or take a few days off? You could do something nice, like go for a manicure or massage, or just walk in the park and have lunch out? I've spent this week doing things like that, I feel better for it.

Yes I get angry all the time! I keep telling myself, it's part of the grief, it's part of the grieving process (to stop myself from screaming at DH or innocent passerby!)

I think DH did think of the baby as a baby, I know he was totally gutted, I've never seen him cry like that in the scan room. He had to 'get back to normal' a bit quicker than me as his work weren't 100% sympathetic.

As for Christmas, I'm just going to try and make the best of it, spend time with family and eat/drink too much. It's a bit of a silly thing to say, but I'm going to make the most of being able to have a couple of drinks (I'd rather have my baby though )

tasmaniandevilchaser luckily I already had some days booked off in the run up to Christmas so that will make the next 2 weeks easier.

Part of my upset is that I was not enjoying my job and I was really looking forward to stopping work. So I guess this week the reality of keeping going has hit.

My mum told me I need a plan B (plan A get pregnant again ASAP) so I've made an appointment to see a careers adviser to help me decide what I might enjoy doing.

I'm going to have a few Christmas drinks too. I also took myself out for a brie and pate sandwich and a coffee which tasted pretty good.

Countmyblessings I hope you don't have to work on your due date and that your manager learns to be a bit more sensitive.

Maja I was also thinking the same thing about friends not understanding but hoping they never need to. I freaked my friend out the other day with TMI. She's been amazingly supportive but I guess no matter how much you want to help sometimes you don't want to hear the gory details.

I'm hoping that this experience will make me a better friend. I know in the past when friends have had a bereavement I've thought it's best to just send a text to say I'm thinking of them, but now I know how much it means when a friend rings you up and says do you want me to come over. I know I wouldn't be doing as well as I am if it had not been for my friends so I'm grateful for them.

sazzel sorry for so many typos on my message yesterday had had a few wines

I was also looking forward stopping working. I do like my job but it's been really stressful and ,at times, all consuming for 3 years now, so I was looking forward to taking a bit of an 'office-break' & look after the baby for a year or so and then see if I wanted to be a full time career girl again or not.

I spoke to a girl recently (she's had recurrent mcs) and she mentioned that it's important to acknowledge how frustrating it is to have 'your plans' and all the things you were excited about for the next couple of years or so taken away from you so brutally. Everything was planned for me till March 2012, I had spoken to work about maternity leave, DH and I had financial plan in place, a prebaby holiday booked...and now nothing. It's gutting but manageable and I think it's important to remember that before falling in the pit of total despair.

Hope you're all doing ok today. I hear you loud and clear on the work front! When plans came up at work, I was secretly thinking 'ha ha! I won't have to worry about all this crap, I'll be on mat leave!' Now I will be there will all that crap, I can't hope too much to get pregnant again quickly, though I'd love to

I also hope I'll be a better friend, it has been great for friends to offer specific support (I'll come over with cake!), but just to say "let me know if you need anything", doesn't actually mean anything to someone who can't think straight with grief to organise or plan. Also to have flowers and cards really meant a lot.

I'm definitely feeling a lot more normal now (3 wks in), I've gone from heartbroken to gutted, which is progress. Just to deal with getting back to work tomorrow.... Luckily in the run up to Christmas work isn't usually too busy and then I've got a couple of weeks off.

God, I just couldn't wait for next June to be on maternity leave and spend the summer hanging out with the baba sigh

Had a pretty bad afternoon today. I enjoyed hanging out with people yesterday, but I just wanted to be on my own today (DH away at a funeral). Then my mum rang & I didn't feel like chatting either. However, I am not enjoying my own company... I'm just wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. And feeling guilty about turning down offers to come & see me from friends. God, I'm a mess.

Tas back to work tomorrow too. Physically I think I'm fine (stopped bleeding and no cramps since Thursday) and emotionally... I could probably do with the distraction. Still, feeling a bit apprehensive. Drop us a line to see how it went.

Hope you are all doing ok, ladies. WE SHALL GET THROUGH THIS!!!!!

How's everyone doing today?

I'd say as days at the moment go i've been ok. However I just needed to come here and have a mini rant about the stupid things people say.

I was talking to my MIL at the weekend and was saying that I hoped that next year would be a better one. At the end of last year I was off work with stress but I got myself sorted and I've been on good form for at least the last 6 months but with that and the miscarriage this year I'm hoping 2012 will be better.

She said maybe there was something wrong with the baby because I had been stressed and it's all connected. I just took at deep breath and then explained that this was highly unlikely. I know it's not anything I did, believe me I have scoured the internet to see if it's my fault, but for her to imply that I caused this, ouch!

Also my mother said the other day that I was only having a baby to get out of work and that is not the right reason to have a baby. I wasn't having a baby to get out of work. I'd stayed in my current job because we were ttc and it didn't make sense to start a new job and then possibly have to leave before I'd settled in.

And my Dad, 2 weeks after the miscarriage asked me when I was going to have a baby. What!? I just mumbled something but honestly what a stupid question.

OH would say people don't mean to be unkind and just are not thinking which I know is true but can I just be a bit mad with them for saying these things?

Hi there, Sazzel you have some very thoughtless relatives, I can see I've been lucky to not have that kind of comment. Poor you, I'd have trouble being polite in those situations.

Work today was fine, a colleague had a miscarriage recently and we talked about our experiences. It's a relief in a way not to have to brush it all under the carpet. And nice to be back at work, it wasn't too hectic.

Hope your day was ok too maja.

Bugs my last day at work was meant to be the 30th of May (if not earlier). I was in the office calendar and everything. If I'm not pregnant by then I might have to change or move cities or poke my eyes out or something.

sazzle (and sorry for repeating myself to the others)... after my mc 'a friend' told me that maybe next time (I get pregnant), I'll be 'more careful and won't be going to the gym and traveling and stuff'. I've known her for 15 years and I know she didn't mean to make me feel guilty but seriously WTF.

tas My day was good too. Everyone was super lovely, I had a huge bunch of roses and chocolates and cards on my desk (it's been my birthday recently). It was quite hectic that was ok and it was quite nice to feel 'normal' again for a few hours.

That said.... man, I cannot wait for Christmas break!!! :-)

Hi maja and tas i'm glad your first days back at work went well. I found the first day back was the hardest.
On the subject of insensitive comments, when I had to ask a friend if she could be on standby to look after my DD if my ectopic preg suddenly ruptured, she said 'Oh never mind, it could be worse, at least its not cancer' !

God this is hard. Today my heart just hurts. Why does it feel harder nearly 4 weeks on than it did when this first happened? OH and I were up till midnight last night, talking but not really understanding what the other person is going through.

Can't believe some of the comments you guys have had