Just can't believe this happened

[AngryBeaver]

On Friday I went for my first scan,I was 14 weeks. Was laughing and joking with dh and said to the sonographer "just let us know when you get the heartbeat!" and she shook her head.
I don't think I have ever felt such shock in my life. My world collapsed in on itself.
She told us that the baby had died week 8 or 9.
But I had had such severe morning sickness,up all night for wee's,backache,and even the bump.
I never imagined for one second that I had lost the baby.
I went into theatre crying and sobbing,woke up the same way asking for my baby.
I know this is a similar story to lots and lots of you.
But I am very lucky to already have 3 children. Although you would think that would make it easier,it doesn't. That was my precious baby whom I loved like my first.
I didn't mind puking my guts up am and pm as I consoled myself with the fact that this indicated a healthy pregnancy. I didn't know that wasn't true.
I am desperate to try again,but dh will need some convincing.
I feel I need to be pregnant again.
But even if he agrees and I get my periods back,as the doctor said,in about 3 weeks...I am wholly terrified that this will happen again.
Has anyone any experience of having 2/3 dc's no problem,then a mc...then a successfull pregnancy?

So so sorry to hear what you have been and are going through..it's total crap.

I had 4 DCs all healthy trouble free pregnancies and then went along for a scan with DC5 at 15wks only to be told that a heartbeat couldn't be found..she had died within the previous couple of days - no explanation and no reason why. Complete and total shock and devastation. I honestly didn't expect it at all.

I have since had another DC and am pregnant now too..and can say that each scan has been really upsetting..kept waiting to be told the worst again...especially those early scan before you can feel your DC wrigging about..but thankfully everything has gone/going smoothly.

I will never take pregnancy for granted again...and will never underestimate the fragility of life. And having to go through it once was horrific enough..for those ladies who go through it time and time again..I can't even imagine :(

And..yes you do have a reason to sit down with tea/toast/tv...if that's what you feel you want to do - please be kind to yourself - what happened was not your fault. xx

Be kind to yourself, it happened to me at 7 weeks in Aug. The shock and pain does get easier but a part of you will always feel sad. Cuddle your children , positive thoughts to you. x

I'm so sorry for your loss, and what a cruel way to find out too. Wishing you every success next time, there are lots of stories on here of people who have a successful pregnancy after more than one miscarriage.

I managed to get here and back with only two hugs from people. A teacher at the school and my next door neighbour.
There was a delivery man at the door for ages this am,I didn't answer but when he'd gone I found a huge box of flowers.
lovely thought, but I just don't want them. Evrytime I walk past them I'd remember, so have sent them to my Gran's care home to brighten up the place.
Have rung dh to see how he is,he's not doing so well.
My mum came today and did a shop for me.
I didn't want her to come but was really glad she did.
I hope my periods come back soon and then I hope dh agrees to try again.

Each day will get a little bit easier. I'm sure the flowers will have made your gran's day in any case.

Sorry your DH is also going through the mill, unsurprising though :(

If you want to try again and he's ready to, I wish you all the luck in the world. Hopefully in a few months we'll see you whinging on the pregnancy boards about piles and constipation :)

That would be wonderful...though I don't think I'll ever moan about pregnancy again.

Angrybeaver I'm so sorry for your loss . I lost my third baby at 16 weeks, also had no symptoms that made me think anything was wrong and found out at a routine appointment after 3 earlier, good scans. Baby had died at about 14 weeks. I'd had two uncomplicated pgs and births and had never dreamed that this would happen - complete shock. It is horrendous, I know.

In terms of telling people, I texted as many people as I could think of and asked them to make sure everyone knew. Telling the dcs was the hardest, and even now, 18 months later, they still talk about the baby who died

I did however go on to conceive again and am currently 31 weeks - so far, so good. However I don't take anything for granted now and don't think I'll really believe it until I'm bringing that baby home. But certainly history hasn't repeated itself and I've no reason to think that what happened last time was anything other than really really bad luck.

Remember there's no right or wrong way of dealing with this, it's all shit, just try to go easy on yourself and I really hope you're back with a bfp soon x

I hope you feel better soon AngryBeaver. I recently MC'd and know what you mean about not wanting reminders such as flowers around.

My SiL had a DD 7 years ago then two MCs and two ectopics, followed by my beautiful 2 year old niece, followed by a very late term MC recently. Seems that there is no rhyme or reason but whenever I look at DN I think that I would definitely try again despite the heartache of MC. Luckily (well, luck is the wrong word but YKWIM) it has only happened once to me but I think it's incredibly brave to try again and again for those of you who have had multiple MCs and wish us all luck.

Also hope to see you back soon with a BFP. We're TTC as soon as post ERPC AF is out of the way (needs to arrive first!) so maybe we'll board the same bus!

My lovely consultant told me when I was pg with DD that I wouldn't relax until the baby was in my arms and he was right. She was worth it though.
It's hard facing people but I promise it does get easier.
It will be a while though before your news gets round, I used to feel so sorry for people who asked and I had to tell them, it got to the stage when I felt it was worse for them!
Good luck x

I 'm glad the pick up went okish. You've done really well to get through all that you know - you are very strong even if you feel like blancmange inside.

Thanks everyone. I have started responding to texts from my friends again this morning. I usually meet a few every thursday,but I just don't know if I can go tomorrow. It'd be the actual 'seeing' them bit. I'd probably breakdown then and I don't want to do that.
I read a few posts from here this morning,especially themillonTheFloss one about ttc again,in a kind of hopeful way and he just said no.
I think unless he agrees this is going to cause a huge problem for us.
I need to try again soon.He doesn't want to because the pregnancy was unexpected.
We weren't ready financially but we would have managed. We are also in the process of trying to emmigrate to New Zealand.
Dh has been applying for lots of jobs,without success so far.
He wants to wait until we get there but who knows when that would be..it could be another 18 months.
I want to start trying asap

Hey Angry - I think I underestimated the effect the mcs had on my partner to be honest. While I was grieving for the baby, he felt helpless with regard to me and the physical pain (two of the mcs were very difficult and didn't go the way I'd expected them to) I was going through.

I didn't recognise that really, and I regret that. After the first mmc (2nd mc), he was still with me on trying again but wary. After the last one, there is absolutely no way he would want to. Part of that is that he thinks our family is complete, but I do think the biggest part is that he can't bear to see me in pain again (physical or emotional).

Perhaps that's how yours feels too?

Maybe partially. But,I think for the main part,it's the financial worry. I understand that. We live on one wage in a 3 bed house.But, we are not poor poor.We just don't go on holidays (unless my family pays,they are wealthy and very generous in lots of ways)or go out for meals or nights out etc.We get buy and the kids are clothed and fed and get treats.
He thinks if we'd had another one it might have tipped the scales and feels he would feel the pressure of trying to support 5 dependants.
But,my reaspning is..we are trying to emmigrate,that will probably happen in the next year.This will enable us to have a bigger house, a better wage etc Then when we arrive I will have the baby and that will be that.
He says he wants to wait til we're there.
I just don't see the problem in being pregnant first.

It's really early days isn't it. I know you want ttc asap - and I can understand why but dh has to be able to get his head around that for that to be a good thing for your family. You are both in pain right now. I think 'steady as you go' may be the best policy.

Hope today has been ok.

I think I feel a bit stronger today. I saw two of my closest friends who were very gentle with me. One has been through the same and I thik it brought up a lot of feelings for her.
We had a cry and a cuddle.
I will talk to dh tonight after he has wound down from work

Oh I'm really pleased you've had friends to talk to. That is helpful.

It's not the same at all but when I miscarried for the first time DH was totally against trying again, he didn't want to see me go through it and was petrified something awful would happen to me if we tried again. As it was we actually conceived the next month completely unintentionally (making up after a row about having children - oh the irony). I expect your DH is terribly worried about you.

Also yes financially it would be easier for you to wait if you are emigrating but sensibleness and broodiness were never good bedfellows. Give it a couple of weeks before you talk to him again. Just like you, he's grieving like crazy. You don't want to face everybody yet and he's not ready to face up to the prospect of another pregnancy yet.

I'm glad you feel a bit better and you saw your friends today. Sounds like you are doing a great job of dealing with this tragedy.

Well,we had a huge row last night that saw me steaming off to bed at 9.15. Then we kissed and made up.
He was really loving and cuddly this morning and was saying things like "Everything will be alright" that made me think we were reading from the same page.
But was obviously a huge misunderstanding,as I said something like "oh,I'm so glad we agree.." and his face fell.
There is now no talking,just a lot of deep sighing and head shaking.
I never thought we would encounter a problem like this in our marriage.
We are such a tight unit.
This is testing us

Angrybeaver - I know you want to try again immediately but there is clearly a gulf between you and dh on this one and the more you prod at it right now I think that's only going to get worse. If at all possible try just to concentrate on your own recovery from this terrible shock and not on getting his agreement to try again.

Sorry to hear your having a crappy time ab reading your op brought back so many memories for me. I felt exactly like you did :(

I had 2 dc then had 4 mc before having dd2 (8 month).

I after the 3rd I felt like your dh. I could not face the thought of another pg. My dp was very keen for us to try again.

When I lost the forth I felt complete rage at him for putting me in that position again.

It took a long time for our realtionship to get back on a even keel.

I guess what I mean is that everything is still so raw atm, is it possible that given a bit of time to process his thoughts he may change his mind?

Give the poor bloke a break AngryBeaver :)

You need to take just a little bit of time, physically as well as emotionally, to get over what's happened. I can completely understand why you want to be pregnant again, and I can also see your DH's PoV.

What's important is to hold on to what you have now, today, because that is the foundation on which your next child will be built.

Give him a few weeks grace before you broach the subject again. Just a few days ago you were reeling - he's still there.

Ok, I will try not to say anything to Dh for a while.
I am aware that I'm just making things worse but I can't seem to stop myself.
We had made up again yesterday and then I text him and said "I love you so much,please just say yes"...then he didn't speak to me for hours.
I went to the Dr's yesterday for some painkillers for my back.
I went in trying to be breezy and 'normal'. Didn't last very long.
The Dr then compared me losing the baby to buying a broken toaster.
I couldn't get out of there fast enough,but before I left he went to hand me the prescription and then hesitated and said "oooh,er,I hope you won't do anthing silly with these,will you?"
Cretin

Well your doctor sounds like an eejit of the highest order in any case.

Are you doing anything to mark your baby's passing? Perhaps it would help you all to do something? I planted a tree. I know it sounds daft but the digging and physical exertion helped me get all my crying out and it felt good to do something rather than talk about it IYSWIM.

Yes, he was extremely odd. I had said something like, "Well,we can always try again" in a light hearted way, and he said "Are you sure?"
I replyed "About what?"
and he said "Having number 4,you have 3 already. How old are you? How old is your husband?"
I told him 32. He said "Hmm,well you're the right age I suppose"
Then he went on to talk about Alex Currans lovely hair,how she can afford to have lovely hair...how he is sure I can afford it to as we must have lots of money.
So with all that, my baby being a broken toaster that fused the house and has been sent back to the shop..and the suggestion of the possibility I may kill myself,I was quite upset when I came out.

I don't think I would like to have a permanant reminder, such as a tree,tbh.
I completely understand why someone would.
I will grieve every 23 rd sept in my own way.
I had a tummy flipping moment when I walked into the hall and saw that dh had taken the bump belt out of the car.
There it sits,ready to go into the attic,where it lives with my maternity clothes,baby bouncer,moses basket etc

So sorry, AngryBeaver.

The same thing happened to me just over a year back. I have two DS's from my ex husband and had a surprise pregnancy with my new DP. I had loads of strong symptoms too - infact I felt worse than when pregnant with the boys, and I had a little bump. Thought that was a reassuring sign, but when I went for my 12 week scan I was told my baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks. I felt like my whole world had collasped around me.

I haven't gone on to try for another. The MMC hit me very hard & put strain on my relationship so not sure if I feel we could get through the same thing happening again, but I understand that ache to be pregnant again.

Take good care of yourself. MN was a great support to me when I went through my MC & there are lots of people on here who sadly very much understand your pain. x