THank you, everyone, for your words.
'Mumsnet was a real life line as I couldn't talk to anyone in real life about it without breaking down.'
This, especially, smiley rings true.
Please bare with me; this will probably be long winded but I just eed to get it out.
So today has been in turns, quite easy and difficult at the same time. And to a degree, I'm confused about what they have told me is going to happen but... just accepting it?
When I arrived (Kingston Hospital), I was pleasantly surprised that the epu is in a completely seperate building to the maternity services. After reading some other posts yesterday, I was mentally prepared to sit among happily pregnant women.
Luckily, DS2 had fallen asleep en route. We waited about 15 mins during which time I felt surprisingly relaxed and almost sorry for the women around me, wishing them well and that they still had hope.WHen we went into the scan room, the sonographer actually said that as I had a report from babybond I didn't need to be scanned again but said some women need it as confirmation and in the blink of an eye I went from calm and resigned to crying that, yes, although I know it's true I can't help the thought that keeps popping into my head that it might be a mistake. SHe was very kind. Within a few seconds she gently told me she agreed with the report and that there was no heart pulsations. She asked if I'd like to see as, again, for some women they need to see for themselves that there is no cardiac activity. I declined, saying it was infact me who had said it first before even the sonographer on tuesday evening, so I did already know. SHe took a few measurements, printed a few pictures and then we waited to be called by the doctor. Once again, I felt very calm.
After he said the pregnancy wasn't viable he began to talk about options at which point I became a bit tearful again and said I would like it to be surgivally managed. As the nurse wasnt with him he initally felt my tummy and said it was low, about 11-12 weeks in size, so surgical management was an option and they were fully booked tomorrow but I could come on Monday morning. But he'd need to examine me internally to be sure of the size of my uterus. THen the nurse came in and, my goodness, she was so lovely the whole time she spent in the room with us.
As he examined me he seemed quite surprised and said, oh, actually, it feels quite a bit bigger, maybe 14-15 weeks - your pelvis was deceiving me.
When we sat back down he said although the pregnancy ended at 12+6 (this corresponds EXACTLY with a day that I had a very high temperature folled by a flu like illness - he confirmed it could very well have ended the pregnancy) my uterus was bigger than that and then starting talking about medical management and I'd be coming in tomorrow morning. COnfused, I asked him to clarify and he said that as my uterus was so big they wouldn't do an erpc to avoid damage to my uterus.
As I tried to wrap my head around this, being that it really wasn't what I wanted (he knew that) he spoke to the overall consultant for a second opinion and I had a few words with the nurse about how this wasn't what I wanted but maybe I should do it if it was best for 'the future'.
So, the doctor said the consultant agreed to proceed with medical management - and that it is their standard procedure is to also do an erpc immediately after I'd passed the baby to ensure everything had been cleared out. That set me off in another spin. All I could think was if my uterus is too big with the baby in it, why is it magically small enouh straiht after? Rather than question it I just listened as the nurse explained what would happen tomorrow. I told her how I have very quick labours. Hmm, a thought just occured to me - I don't suppose I'll need to dilate all the way to ten before I'll pass the baby?
Then had a conversation about how I really don't want to stay the night because of DS2. It culminated in the nurse saying he'd be able to stay with me although DP would also need to stay which I think is bloody amazing. Still hoping to be home quickly but knowing they will do all they can to accomodate my wants/needs has lowered my stress levels considerably.
SHe took blood from me at one point. And swabbed me for MRSA. And bought me in some leaflets and a tick list form that will tell them whether I'd like photos etc, etc. And was just so nice. I even had a bit of a joke with her at one point.
SOmething else has just occured to me. THey didn't tell me to be nil by mouth from, say, 8am... even though I could be in theatre by lunch time (they said) if I pass the baby quickly as may be given how quick my labours usually are. Maybe I should call and ask? But then again, I kinda do need to keep my fluids up because of breastfeeding. Damn. I should have thought of this before now. Maybe I should refuse the erpc? Ugh. This is more difficult than it felt when I left - I really felt that I was going to be taken care of - the nurse even said, when I told her I was so scared it would start naturally before I get to them, that if I started bleedin/cramping to just come straight to them, that she'd have a side room for me from tonight. Oh, I did have a moment of intense sadness when the doctor asked for my pregnancy notes and I didn't get them back 
I think I'm recalling some of this in the wrong order. And I think I'm leaving little bits out.
Anyway, these thoughts all need to be pushed aside for a moment - DS2 just ran up to me and it smells like a nappy change is in quick order!