Please help if you can. 12 week scan, fine...

[MandaHugNKiss]

As DP was unable to come in to the 12 week scan as he was asked to wait outside with DS2 so we decided to book a gender scan for 16+1, which was last night.

No heart beat, measurements suggesting baby died between 13+3 and 14+1 (although crl was only 12+2 - it was tightly curled up in a ball and the sonographer has put in the report that measurement isn't reliable due to positioning).

I am in turns numb, grief stricken, disbelieving but the common theme running through all these emotions is utter terror. I'm so scared that this 'missed' miscarriage is going to start naturally before I get the chance to be helped by the hospital (I have an apointment at 11.15am tomorrow with the EPU - I'm guessing they will confirm the baby has died and talk me throuh my options - as much as I think I want things managed right away, I don't suppose it's going to happen tomorrow?)

I know beyond a doubt that I do want to, can't let this run its natural course - the thought of passing the baby and then...what? It goes down the toilet? I throw it in the bin? I think even the thought of seeing it. I can't get the oh-so-still image of it out of my head from the scan last night, it's haunting me. The 'real thing' might just finish me off.

Also, I'm still full on breastfeeding DS2 who turned one two weeks ago. So I assume in some way it's going to affect what I can take, especially when it comes to pain relief. If, for instance, I chose a local for an ERPC do I get earplugs? Being awake is one thing, hearing it would be another.

Oh god, I'm a mess. I know I'll hopefully be better informed tomorrow but as of right now it all feels so alien and surreal. So surreal. I think I need information from real, been there women so I'm not flailing around, feeling like I'm drowning. Forewarned is forearmed, isn't it? I hope so.

Manda I have just read through your entire sad sad story and can only say how very sorry I am. All I can say is I have just lived through the exact same situation. Literally word for word, infact you could have been writing my own sad story.
My 16 week scan (when we found out bubba had passed away due to a flu virus i'd caught 1 week previously) was on the 14th of March this year and I went into hospital on the 16th. Had the same awful dramas after delivery and had complications after the dnc aswell.
I just wanted to tell you thank you. I was in too much of a mess to see my baby. And it has been my biggest regret. Having read your beautiful desciption of your baby boy it has helped me picture my lost baby.
I live in a Muslim country and due to the laws here there are no further options for me to change the fact that we never met our little lost angel. I can only thank you through my tears for your words.
I am now going to counselling in a hope that I'll start to come to terms with the epxerience. Unfortunately the staff at my hospital were far from fantastic. As you say there are so many words, so many thoughts and one can't even start to cover all the emotions we feel. Knowing that you understand my sorrow and loss gives me strength and I hope that I do the same for you.

Bless you and our little angel babies.

willyoudo Thank you for taking the time to reach out, your words, whilst heartbreaking that you've 'been there' are reassuring - you're the voice of 'the future'. Sometimes it feels like I'll always be stuck 'here' but you're proof positive that doesn't have to be so. I'm very aware that, to a degree, I have to take responsibility for my own recovery; that is, I think there will come a point where I need to make a concerted effort to 'move on'. I'm just not sure when that should be. I think, I also believe that I need to really really feel this for a while. To, kinda, wallow. To fully acknowledge this very real loss. The question is, when will I know that enough is enough? What if... if never feels enough?

Actually, today, I'm having quite a 'strong' day, leading me to believe a time will come. I know I have to stop over analysing, to stop trying to put an end time/date on how I feel.

I've felt almost good, physically, and surprisingly 'ok' emotionally. Maybe because my best friend came over last night and I just talked and talked to (at) her. I'm usually very much a closed book so she was delighted to see me acting so out of character. I think talking here and reading of others' experiences has helped in that respect, too.

I also bought some pregnancy tests today. Part of me is petrified that I will have retained products (please, not another erpc. The incresed risk of damage from a second procedure isn't something I want to worry about - but I will. Even if I decide never again when it comes to pregnancy, to have my options curtailed, the decision made for me will be extremely hard to bear. Good ol' human nature will no doubt have me desperate for another baby if it turns out I cant have one...). Another part of me, further to my 'infertile worries' wonders about what happened inside me as I laboured. Clearly, as I delivered the baby in a clot the size of a small football, my uterus must have literally filled with blood. Logically, then, my fallopian tubes must have also filled with blood? I wonder, then, that if when that blood clots, does it eventually reabsorb leaving the tubes cear or will it lead to blockages that leave me infertile.

I hate the way my brain will think outside the box and always jump to the worst conclusion.

Ah, I've gone off on a tangent - the pregnancy test was still positive. I'm guessing that as I was 16+5 when induced, my hcg will have been pretty high and even if I do not have retained products then it will take some time to hit zero again. How much time though?!

heckle Thank you for the hugs. Obviously, I'd prefer manly thumps on the shoulder, given that this is MN... (seriously, all this care shown is incredibly moving. Thank you to everyone who has voiced they are thinking of me, or offered virtual hugs. As much as I feel so alone, I feel so not alone). Hey, DS2 is being an utter delight today. And, today for the first time since finding out, that has bought me smiles instead of tears. WHo knows, before long perhaps I'll be back on 'our' thread being my usual silly self.

And, finally, dessertmummy. I'm so sorry that my story echos yours so closely - I wouldn't wish this last week and a bit on my worst enemy so my heart aches that you're so caught up in this hell too. It literally blows my mind that the 'flu has robbed us of our babies. I know 'flu is a serious illness, it kills many people worldwide each year. I guess it just never occured to me that a number of those people had yet to be born.

It was only chance, 'good' luck that I saw my baby - If I'd have had my way, I never would have (I think if I'd really pushed they would have agreed to surgical intervention from the off but talking wih the nurse made me realise that medical management in the first instance was better for the future). Given how parallel our experiences are running I can assure you your baby would have looked more beautiful than you can imagine. Take that knowledge, and keep it in your heart - your baby was perfect and always will be; take my experience and share it, if it helps. We've been struck by bad, horrible luck. It's not our fault; nobody can live in a sterile bubble during pregnancy.

Manda It's good to hear you having a "strong" day, and that your post has given some support to others (desertmummy I'm so sorry that you've been through such a similarly dreadful time ). Grief comes in waves, so you're right that there will be an end to it, but there also won't be an end...in that Teddy (I love his name btw) will always be a part of your life. But if there's one thing about life it's that it keeps on going...it's what I'm holding onto myself at this time when I can be fine and then suddenly start to cry for no apparent reason.

I've had a scan today that confirms my own miscarriage, although I knew it was over I'm glad I saw my empty womb (was also worried about retained "products", awful expression that it is). I also did a series of pregnancy tests, but only tested negative yesterday, a full 7 days after I passed the sac. Since I was 7 weeks, I expect your tests will show positive for a good while longer. From what I've read on here, MC bleeding isn't like a period, in that it can come and go, heavier and lighter, and can go on for various lengths of time.

Anyway, I don't want to ramble on but I do want you to know that I think of you often.

I've been thinking of you, too, flip I'm really hoping (if it's what you'd want) that another miracle heads your way. Infact, I'd be surprised if it doesn't - I think your body is 'in the zone'.

So last night I had to go to dinner for DP's mum's birthday... it's the first time I've seen her since 'everything' as they were in mexico until this time last week. I thought I'd be fine, but when we arrived all she said was 'How are you?' and I was fighting back tears. Got that under control but as 9pm approached I took the fact DS2 was being fractious to go outside for a bit to fight off more tears. Sheesh, it took me by surprise. I really thought I'd be ok or else I'd not have gone; I'm really not one for public displays of emotion (affection, sure, but crying in public not high on my list of 'things to do'. Especially at a birthday celebration).

Bleeding has really tailed off. I won't take another pregnancy test yet as per your experience, flip it seems it would still be positive.

Also just booked a week away mid May. We need some sun, and relaxation (if not the alcohol...what was my reason for still breastfeeding DS2 again? ) so we're headed to the Sani Ocean Club in Kassandra, Greece after I followed a link on the front page of mumsnet yesterday... Mumsnet made me do it! I even upgraded our flights with BA to club - I was just suddenly taken by an urge to just spoil ourselves.

Hmmm How long do you reckon I'm supposed to wait before starting to exercise (I have that Shred dvd in mind) given I've never really exerted myself beyond the bedroom and the whole physical side of things? Speaking of which, the vein which had the larger cannula in (I had three in all) is bruised along about an inch and a half of it culminating in a hard, bloody painful, lump. I assume it must have blown but should I worry about a clot?

Hi Manda! I am so pleased that you have booked a holiday, that's a great idea, it sounds wonderful. Spoil yourself rotten and don't forget some pampering while you're over there!

Yes, wait for the pregnancy test, and although bruising & swelling are common after a cannula, check it out - not because I think you need to worry, but because it's good to have one less thing to mull over. HCPs will be extra kind and indulgent with you at the moment so just ask, ask, ask about anything that crosses your mind.

Exercise - I wouldn't try anything new & drastic like the shred, as you need to get your strength up, not wear it away - although I fully understand the urge that can happen to get a "new" and "better" body. Again, ask an HCP who can maybe check your blood count etc (I believe this is standard after most surgery so you might not need a new test?) - or, if you'd rather not keep dealing with the clinic, do something easy like walking or gentle yoga and listen to your body carefully, it will be trying to protect you so give it that chance.

Night x

I can't even read beyond the first page of this thread, you have me in tears, and that is an achievement! All I can say is I wish you all the best, and I'm so sorry your little boy didn't make it. I really don't know what else to say, I'm sorry :'(

Sorry its been a week or so since I've written. Firstly, Manda thank you so very much for your lovely words and yes in my heart I'm sure like yours my little bubba was perfect. I'm so glad to hear you've booked a holiday for yourself and hubby. Just what you need to help heal your heart,soul and body. I want you to know how I'm feeling now, 4 weeks (wow) on from my 'goodbye baby' day. It's up and down. Still so empty and so desperately sad but not so 'raw'. The big 20 weeks mark hit me hard but I suppose there will always be reminders of my loss. I'd agree that now I am getting out and about I find it very hard to hold back the tears should a wave of grief come over me. (As you say it is not on ones 'things to do list' bursting into tears amongst fruit and veg in supermarket but hey ho some things are out of our control. On a more positive note I have to say I am having the strongest urges and wants to get pregnant again but realise perhaps now is not the best time for me physically and emotionally. For all those mummys out there who find themselves reading these stories, I wish you strength and peace thru such sad times. Knowing you are not alone will hopefully help you through. xx