Please or to access all these features

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Please help if you can. 12 week scan, fine...

57 replies

MandaHugNKiss · 30/03/2011 20:16

As DP was unable to come in to the 12 week scan as he was asked to wait outside with DS2 so we decided to book a gender scan for 16+1, which was last night.

No heart beat, measurements suggesting baby died between 13+3 and 14+1 (although crl was only 12+2 - it was tightly curled up in a ball and the sonographer has put in the report that measurement isn't reliable due to positioning).

I am in turns numb, grief stricken, disbelieving but the common theme running through all these emotions is utter terror. I'm so scared that this 'missed' miscarriage is going to start naturally before I get the chance to be helped by the hospital (I have an apointment at 11.15am tomorrow with the EPU - I'm guessing they will confirm the baby has died and talk me throuh my options - as much as I think I want things managed right away, I don't suppose it's going to happen tomorrow?)

I know beyond a doubt that I do want to, can't let this run its natural course - the thought of passing the baby and then...what? It goes down the toilet? I throw it in the bin? I think even the thought of seeing it. I can't get the oh-so-still image of it out of my head from the scan last night, it's haunting me. The 'real thing' might just finish me off.

Also, I'm still full on breastfeeding DS2 who turned one two weeks ago. So I assume in some way it's going to affect what I can take, especially when it comes to pain relief. If, for instance, I chose a local for an ERPC do I get earplugs? Being awake is one thing, hearing it would be another.

Oh god, I'm a mess. I know I'll hopefully be better informed tomorrow but as of right now it all feels so alien and surreal. So surreal. I think I need information from real, been there women so I'm not flailing around, feeling like I'm drowning. Forewarned is forearmed, isn't it? I hope so.

OP posts:
InmaculadaConcepcion · 02/04/2011 20:07

Thank god you're all right, Manda. That was a bloody close call.

I found your account very moving (not to mention dramatic) and I think it helps to "get it down". A very brave thing to do.

But that's a very rough experience you had to go through. Lots of love to you, I hope it doesn't take too long for you to get over it.

More .

MandaHugNKiss · 02/04/2011 20:10

AH. They offered me a post mortem, which we've declined. THe options were for the hopital to arrange a funeral (which they do for all baby's 'lost' there) to which I could be invitd if I wished, or simply notified of, or not told at all. I could make my own arrangements. I could take the remains with me.

We've decided to let him go with the hospital funeral. ALthough they do them every few weeks with multiple baby's, they all have their own individual coffins. If, however, we'd wanted to attend, then he would be done seperately.

OP posts:
evitas · 02/04/2011 20:10

Manda you are admirable. Thank you for sharing such an emotional moment with us.
Thank God you are fine, despite all the scary moments.

Hugs
x

PixieOnaLeaf · 02/04/2011 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Arcadie · 02/04/2011 22:00

Manda You very very brave lady. So pleased you've come through the ordeal physically. Be very kind to yourself and give yourself a loooooong time to grieve for your beautiful, perfect, tiny little boy. Just a thought, and obviously you don't have to share it on here, but have you thought of a name for him? I've no idea how I'd feel but I know that for my SIL who went through something similar, being able to refer to her baby by a name was very important.

Big hugs.

Flisspaps · 02/04/2011 22:00

Manda, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. I'm glad (that's not the right word, but I don't know what is) that being with your beautiful, tiny boy helped. He was yours, and he was loved. My thoughts are with you x

itwascertainlyasurprise · 02/04/2011 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Sariska · 02/04/2011 22:27

manda, what a traumatic experience to go along with your unutterably sad loss. But I'm so glad you got to see your perfect tiny child - your little boy! - and thank god for the speedy vigilance of the hospital staff.

Rest, take care of yourself and remember that we're here whenever you need us.

MissPenteuth · 02/04/2011 22:33

Oh Manda, I'm sorry you had such a traumatic experience but thank goodness you're ok. I'm in awe of your ability to describe it all in such clear and yet emotional detail, and I hope it's helped somewhat to put it in writing here. And I'm glad that spending some time with your beautiful boy has brought you some peace. Thinking of you lots x

FlipFantasia · 02/04/2011 22:34

manda I'm so sorry to hear that you had such a terrifying ordeal, I'm sitting here in tears for you. I'm relieved you have physically come through it, although I'm sure your emotional recovery will be equally as hard. Your description of your tiny, perfect little boy is incredibly moving. It sounds like you and your DP will cherish the time you spent together.

hecklephone · 03/04/2011 08:16

Shedding a wee tear for you here manda. I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through, but relieved that you're ok after all that. Take care of yourself, please - will be thinking of you xxx

Pingpong · 03/04/2011 09:41

Oh manda the wise MMM have all said such lovely things already but I just wanted to say how sorry that you have lost your little boy. What a dramatic outcome! I am pleased you were able to see your baby boy after all and that in the days, months and years to come this will be of comfort to you.
Take care and keep writing about it all if that helps you.

orangehead · 03/04/2011 10:03

oh Manda, Im am so sorry. Your little boys sounds perfect. Im glad you were able to spend time with him and you are ok physically. I dont really know what else to say, but I thinking of you and your family.

MummyElk · 03/04/2011 11:29

oh manda I'm so sorry - and thank GOD you are ok, my goodness... thinking of you all. Your children are so very lucky to have such a wonderful mother - they will be cuddling you very hard today I expect...

freesias · 03/04/2011 14:23

sorry for your loss . i lost a litle girl in very similar circumstances the week before xmas 2005. normal scan at 12 weeks and then a routine scan at 18 weeks no heart beat .no indication prior to this that anything was wrong . all i can remember is the disbelief as i'd always just assumed m/c happened pre 12 weeks and after 12 weeks you were safe .
like you i held and saw my tiny girl who'd around the 13th or 14th week . i still can't believe how perfect and tiny and for want of a better word how although tiny she was obviously a baby human iyswim and it felt very calm and serene when holding her as you describe .although the grief did kick in later. we did opt fora pm but it revealed nothing other than a tightly twisted cord which may or not have a contributed to her death .

   we  named our baby ( as rkd mentioned is and was a comfort )and  i bought a little badge with her name on which i keep with her photo and the little memory blanket we were given at the hospital . also organised a burial .we bought a tiny teddy and blanket to put in with her  a red rose and added mesages from dh , myself and the dcs all of which helped not just myself but my older children so we had given her something . 
 5 years on we now have 2 more ( dd4 is the same age as your ds2 )but she is still very much part of my life , i think of her most days and still feel deep sadness that  we lost her and continue to love her until we meet again .

this poem really helped and still brings tears to my eyes .

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mummy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mum who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mummy set me free.
I miss my Mummy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mummy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Author unknown

wishing and praying that you and your family comfort over the weks and months a head

be kind to yourself .

MandaHugNKiss · 03/04/2011 17:10

Thank you, everyone, for your condolences. Whom of us, some, say 15 years ago, could have imagined not only the internet, but the astounding way it can link people together in times of need.

freesias I'm sorry for your loss too - lovely to hear that you've had more children since but that your little girl still stays in your heart.

rkd Yes, he's named. He was already named weeks and weeks ago! Strangely (? maybe not, is intuition real?) we'd only come up with, and agreed, on a boys name.

Although we would have put Edward on the birth certificate, we intended to call him Teddy. So, Teddy he is.

I keep looking at DS2 today and wondering how alike they'd have been. If, in a few years time when they'd have been similar sizes with just a year and a half between them, they'd have looked like 'twins'. If they'd have been close, or fight all the time, or a little of both. DS2 is so... run, climb, boisterous, cuddly boy. Would Teddy, have been the same or a more sensitive, careful soul?

I haven't cried since he was born. Is that normal? I cried many times, so hard it felt like I'd vomit, in the time between finding out Tuesday evening until Friday morning. What is happening? Am I 'In denial'? It doesn't feel like it, because I KNOW he's gone...

OP posts:
freesias · 03/04/2011 17:36

manda it sounds completely normal , if there is a normal grief hits us all differently and expressed in different ways .the tears will come , i think there's often a numb raw holding it together phase before the crying kicks in with avengence it took about 2 weeks after loosing dd before the tears really came . you are also still probably physically very weak and maybe slightly dehydrated etc, which may not be helping and your pregnancy may not have disappeared completely which may be masking the tears.
imho you can sometimes be at point where the grief is so great the tears don't take hold or can't break through iyswim.

       i still wonder 5 years later who dd would have been (so can understand where you're coming from), would she have been calm or wild , blonde or brunette etc . all i can say is we learnt  alot from her in her short time with us , about what's really important in life etc .
PixieOnaLeaf · 03/04/2011 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PacificDogwood · 04/04/2011 17:57

Manda, I have no word other than to say, Iam so glad you are ok and bless little Teddy - he was and is clearly much loved.

Look after yourself now; tears will come in their own time.

(hugs) xx

Dalrymps · 04/04/2011 23:07

Manda- Thinking of you, can't imagine what you're going through.

Your description of Teddy was beautiful and made me cry. What a very loved little boy indeed.

Look after yourself and don't feel you have to act a certain way, there are no rules x

donttrythisathome · 04/04/2011 23:32

Oh manda I just saw this. I am so sorry for your loss. And Teddy sounds gorgeous, what a beautiful description of him. You must be in shock, look after yourself.

evitas · 06/04/2011 09:04

Manda hope you've been taking things slowly and looking after yourself. Thinking of you
x

MandaHugNKiss · 06/04/2011 13:27

After saying there hadn't been any tears, there have been quite a few and wobbly moments, ranging from imagining he and DS2 together (especially when DS2 was having a cute moment, or being a clever little chap) to just... it's not fair. I know I have no more right for this to NOT happen to me than anyone else but I still cant wrap my mind around the fact it appears something so senseless (the high temp/viral illness) has robbed us of how we thought our future was going to be. I want there to be a 'real' reason. And yet... I know a 'real' reason wouldn't really help, anyway.

Mostly feeling very, very flat. Feels like I'll never know happiness again. I know I will, it just doesn't feel like it.

Physically, I don't feel half as weak, I had real 'bruised' pain in my ribs and hips for a couple of days that has gone (puzzled me a bit, but I assume it must be from where I was up in stirrups?), the brusing on my bottom has improved a lot (always forget IM injections do that to me), the sites of where two cannulas/a third attempt are still bruised and sore, but better than they were... so I seem to be on the mend.

But my bleeding seems to be picking up. I had literally none Saturday and sunday, the tiniest amount of spotting. Monday and yesterday that increased to a light flow with intermitent 'medium'. And some pain, too. Today I seem to be steadily medium, but not really much pain to speak of. I don't know if this is ok, and don't want to call the unit to ask incase it isn't... they did say I'd bleed for 7-10 days. Just seems odd it would start out as nothing. Has anyone else experienced this?

I think DP is struggling. We were both awake at 4am, considering putting on a dvd as distraction from the fact we were clearly not sleeping. I know he's trying to be strong, and although he keeps encourging me to talk he doesn't seem to want to himself. I just so, so, so want to take away our pain. To go back. To just... unlive it all.

OP posts:
hecklephone · 06/04/2011 13:39

Hugs, hugs, hugs, manda. It will get better and you clearly know it will - just hang on in there. Thinking about you and just willing you all to get through to the other side of your pain soon. Xxx

WillYouDoTheDamnFanjo · 06/04/2011 14:14

Hello Manda. I have been where you are now, 5 years ago almost to the week.

little TMI warning, but I want to write it as I found details really helpful and judging by what you have written, you do too.

For me it was a bit the other way around because they (and I) thought I was less far along than I was - I was a couple of days away from my 12 week scan when I started to bleed, so was left to manage naturally at home with an appointment to attend EPU 2 days later (I remember them saying that they couldn't fit me in before that and just thinking "WTF?!" I'd always thought suspected miscarriages were blue-lighted to hospital because that's what happens in the movies). I ended up going into labour at home and after about 20 hours delivering, just as you have descibed, a terrifying amount of clots, one of which was a dark sac that clearly contained the baby although I was not brave enough to open or look properly (lovely, brave DH dealt with it for me). I called it a "goose egg" although it was a bit bigger than that. We kept it in a little box in the fridge until the appointment, at which they confirmed that the baby was about 14-16 weeks but hard to tell, there were tests that could be done to confirm exact gestation etc but I just didn't want it fiddled with - for me, I had been through so much by then and my head was totally scrambled, I just wanted to go home with as much "intact" as possible.

Yes I also bled for about 2 weeks, different from a period and sometimes a frightening amount, but please ring a HCP and check any time you want to, don't worry about being a pain.

I am sorry to tell you that 2 weeks after that I had been advised to take a pregnancy test to check that all had completed. I did, and it was a strong positive. I was told to come back to EPU (again, a couple of days later) to check for "products remaining". That test was positive. I then needed an ERPC a few days later, which led to other complications. I just wanted to touch on that with you as, for me, it came as a terrible shock as a couple of weeks after losing the baby I was starting to tell myself "at least it's all over" and then it suddenly wasn't. However, since you had medical management first, I am sure that this is unlikely to happen to you. I hope it hasn't upset you to hear this; I only wish someone had warned me about the possibility of incomplete miscarriage even after all that.

I remember it all as being a very surreal time, as though the world had gone a bit strange and silent. It was also a very lonely time as no-one really knew what to say to me and very few people except DH and my best mate were prepared to just be with me. I also remember feeling strangely ill, semi-dead almost - as though I had survived death myself, or kind of visited death through the baby's experience - hard to describe.

Things that helped - we buried the baby under a special plant in our garden, just DH and I. I am glad to see you have picked a name and such a sweet one, that really helps. Like you we had an older child at the time, she was wonderful and very loving through this time, although telling her that her sibling wouldn't be coming was very hard.

I would recommend a book to you that is designed to help children cope with bereavement called "The Day The Sea Went Out And Never Came Back" and I found it was the only thing that really came close to how I was feeling - I would sort of read it to the lost baby.

I love music and nature, so I spent a lot of time with these. We did a lot of camping & singing. I was very, very kind to my body and took lots of time to pamper myself and make myself feel good - massages, baths, whatever I fancied. I realised early that it was important to make friends with and kind of forgive my body.

5 years later I am very strong and a happy person who enjoys life a great deal. 2 years ago I had another baby, which took immense courage. I didn't want to try again straight away, for 2 years I swore I wouldn't in fact.

I wish women talked more about miscarriage, it makes it less lonely and frightening, I think. Hats off to you for doing so.

Anyway that's quite enough from me! Manda, please feel free to PM me about anything, you have been through so much and there is a lot of support here for you. Take good care now. x