possible miscarriage after already had a stillborn...this is so unfair!!

[shelly24]

I went for my booking appointment at queens yesterday as i am meant to be 9+6 today according to my calculations of first day of last period etc,but was scanned yesterday and told that the baby is only the size of a 5 week gestation!?
Basically the baby has either stopped growing at 5 weeks or my dates are completely wrong???
I really don't understand and its totally breaking my heart all over again as i lost my first born son in may who was stillborn at 33wks.I was told that what happened to him would never happen again,and when i got pregnant again i didn't even contemplate miscarriage etc,as i just thought i had had my bad luck with my little boy!?
I have to go back to the hospital next friday for another scan to see whether the baby has grown,if not then i have probably had a missed miscarriage or am about to have one.
Iwas feeling pretty negative,and always thinking the worst when i got preg again,because of what i had been through with my first preg,but am feeling really guilty that maybe being negative has caused all this to happen!?
The doc says that it is possible that i could have got my dates wrong as she has seen this happen before,but i don't understand how i could have been 4 weeks out in my calculations!??
before i got pregnant the first time my periods were really regular..28days for around 5 days each time,so after the stillbirth i had one period without calculating lengths etc and presumed i would conceive around the 14th day,which is usual for a 28 day cycle....and i did!!
But now there saying the possibility is that i may have ovulated later than usual(it being my first period after the stillbirth,it may have changed my cycles),or that the baby had just stopped growing at 5weeks.
When they scanned me yesterday that had to use a probe that is entered internally to scan for the baby,since then on and off i have had a pinkish discharge when i wipe myself,i didn't have this before and am wondering if it was just because i was prodded with that probe thing or whether its the start of something?
I'm so hurt and confused,i've gone right back down to that pit i was in when i first lost my son...i can't stop crying and wondering why its so hard!!...i just want a baby..is that too much to ask!!!??
Please has anyone experienced something like this?I really need to hear from others who have either got through something like this or who are experiencing it like me at the moment...please,please get back to me.x.x.x.

Shelly, I really don't know what to say, having never experienced the same as you have. All I can say is that my thoughs are with you and your DH, I am sending all the love in the world. Great big {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} are winging their way to you from me. xxxxxxxxxx

Lots of love xxxx

Wendy11:thanx for sharing your experience,its reassuring in a way to know that i'm not alone,and that others have had similar experiences,even getting simple well wishing messages means so much to me(thanx again.x)
I'm still getting the pink stuff every now and then when i wipe,really don't know what to make of it,i'm trying to be strong,but its so hard.what do you do when all your inner strenght that you ever had is just slipping lke sand through your fingers.Some days i just don't want to be here anymore,everyone i see has a lovely little family or a newborn in a pushchair,and i just want to fall to my knees and cry
I have to go to the hospital the day before my birthday next week...i'll be 25 on the 17th...it'll either be a really happy or really sad 25th birthday,i just don't know what i'm going to do if it turns out for the worst

I've sent you an e-mail snailspace.x

Shelly24 I was 3 weeks out with dd they said I wasonly 11 weeks instead of 14 and that I had not ovulated one month . So it is possible especially after what you had been through, your cycle may not have been as regular. Look after yourself , thinking of you

Message withdrawn

Shelly24,I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son & of the worry you are currently going through.

A friend of mine had an early scan & no heartbeat could be found.She was adamant about her dates being correct & all her Drs were very pessimistic about the chances of the pregnancy continuing.However,a week later,there was a little heartbeat & she now has a healthy 2 year old.To this day she still doesn't know why her dates were so wrong-they were over 6 wks behind.She had suffered a m/c a few months before & that or late implantation were possible reasons for it happening.

I know how hard the loss of a baby is & will say a little prayer for you & your babies tonight.

Love
Mirage

Shelly I hope this is the case for you sweetheart

xxx

How you doing shelly, you're always in my thoughts, hope you're doing ok.

Hi Shelly - just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and really hoping and praying everything will turn out well for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. We're all here to help you through it. So much love xxx

Oh Shelly24 - I saw this thread title and so hoped it wasn't you!

There is still hope though.... I've got EVERYTHING crossed for you. This is just so unfair!!!!!!!!

hi girls.x
I'm struggling,i'm not going to lie.I hoping for a miracle i guess,and really hoping that i've just got it all wrong.
If the worst happens i won't be able to face going back to work at the nursery i don't think,i just won't have the strenght to look after other peoples babies,knowing i could have had one of my own(possibly twice)and it has been taken away from me has told me to stop worrying about work and that i don't have to do anything i don't want to,but you know when you just feel responsible?I just don't want dh to struggle to support us both(although he said he wouldn't struggle atall)..Oh i don't know,so much is going through my head,and most of it is negative,thats all i've been used to lately i guess.
I hope eeryone else is ok,thanks again for all your support,it really does help me.x.x.x(love to you all.x).x
Dh

just read back message...this depression is affecting my spelling,dh was meant to be after the sad face......

Oh Shelly some really moving messages on this thread.
Not spoken to you before but felt I had to post a positive story; a friend of mine lost a baby stillborn at term, she then had two very early (like, a couple of weeks pg) miscarriages and then another at 13 weeks.
But she went on to have a much wanted and longed-for baby who is now 1 and in the best of health.
Hoping for good news for you, but even if not, there can be good news in the future.
Crossing my fingers for you
Cxx

Oh no shelly I am so sorry you have this extra worry and heartache. It is definitely true that your cycles can be very weird after a stillbirth and I have every digit in my body crossed for you and your dh that this is yet another example of scans being such a mixed blessing in modern obstetrics.
Internal scans do often cause a bit of discharge.
My happy ending story is different circumstances but I think I can understand a little of your personal anguish right now...as you might remember, I got unexpectedly pregnant only a couple of months after my baby died at 21 weeks. Dates seemed OK-ish although I was told consistently baby was small and then at 16 weeks, my community midwife couldn't find a heartbeat. Given my history there was barely concealed panic at the clinic and I was (illegally) driven straight to hospital in the clinic clerk's car, both of us in floods.
The problem turned out to be caused by an anterior placenta and me being on the porky side. Dd had a double layer of insulation
Happy endings do come and I really, really wish one for you, and for Wendy, and everyone else TTCing after the death of a baby. It is a HORRIBLE place to be. XXX

Shelley - I am really sorry to hear you lost a baby son and that you're having further worries at the moment. I too had a stillborn son at 35 weeks pregnancy. Soon after we lost Louis (5 months later) I was pregnant again but, unfortunately, lost that baby in the very early stages. Two months later, straight after a D&C, I was pregnant again and now have a 6 month adorable baby girl. We also have a nearly 6 year old. I hope it turns out OK for you this time. Please don't lose hope. Best wishes. Hugs, Cristina

i'm really starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me and dh is thinking the same about himself
Reading everyones messages are really encouraging,learning that i'm not alone and that if the worst happens,i will hopefully be able to go on and have a healthy baby.x
At this moment in time though i feel like there really is something wrong with me,like i'm not good enough to have any children
I'm still getting pinkish/redish discharge when i wipe,and it comes and goes,its not everytime,and sometimes it slight and others it def there.I just don't know what to make of it.I've only had it since the internal scan on fri,and didn't have any before that!?So i don't know if thats an encouraging thing or not,but i can help but think that i'm loosing this baby too.......

Shelly24, really sorry & sad to hear what is going on. Can you go back to the hospital & ask their advice? I'm sure you could ring & tell them about the discharge & they maybe able to give you another examination ?

Thinking of you....

I have to go back next friday so they can see if the baby has grown atall.
I'm not in any pain or anything at the moment,so will leave it and see if it gets any worse and then contact someone.x

Shelly, in view of Rhys' stillbirth, can't they offer you a little more TLC than what you are getting? Do you feel there is anything more that they could do for you? People in your situation deserve lots of support at this time.

I really don't know what to think marina,as its been a tough time all round.Hope its ok to explain......
When Rhys passed away and i saw my doctor a few weeks afterwards,she said that next time round i could go to a different hospital of my choice as the present one had too many bad memories(not only with rhys,but my mum had died of cancer there too).So i put it to the back of my mind and when i did get preg again i obviously asked if i could go to the hosp of my choice which was queen charlottes in london.
They put a referral in for me and i didn't hear from them for awhile so i rang to see what was happening and they said that the pct(people in charge of funding)and the consulant at the hospital i was originally with,hadn't agreed for me to go to another hosp,as they considered me 'low risk',as what had happened with Rhys was so rare!!i was obviously and explained i was told i could go where i like!!!Basically the g.p screwed up because i spoke to the hosp consultant personally and the pct and they both said there was no prob with me going where i wanted to.And instead of the gp ringing round for me and trying to get me the best possible care,i ended up having to do it all myself!!So now i am under queen charlottes and the gp hasn't got in contact since(if you want something done...do it yourself!!!)
I just feel like i'm just a number,a statistic that is considered to be 'bottom of the pile',because its low risk!!what about the psychological side of things!!??I still lost a baby,i could still possibly loose another!!?To be honest i haven't got the strenght to fight back right now,and thats a real shame on my part.I feel like i should just sit in the corner with my ticket and wait for my number to be called,when they can be bothered with me.....i just haven't got the 'fight' in my at the mo...

hi shelly... this must be sooooooooooo worrying for you

is there no way you can have a scan sooner? even if that means turning up at a&e and saying you're bleeding?

i went in due to bleeding, i was about 6 weeks gone, but on the scan they could find nothing wrong and i went on to have a lovely baby boy

I have to wait for the scan to measure for growth.x

shelly,it is so unfair to make you wait so long for a scan.Is there an Early pregnancy assessment unit nearby? If so,it is worth ringing & seeing if they will take a self refferal.I had to do this after a stupid GP refused to book me for an early scan after a previous ectopic.All you need to do is tell them that you are having some bleeding & they will fit you in asap.

I had bleeding with both my dd's & it was very heavy at times,but they were both fine.

Keeping everything crossed for you.
Mirage

hello

just want to say i have everything crossed for you that it will be a positive outcome for you thise week.

you will have child and you will be a mother soon. i cant think of any words good enough to say how sorry I feel that you lost a child. your body created Rhys so you are capable of making babies.

i really believe in positive thoughts so be strong and imagine yourself holding your smiley baby.

you will both be in my prayers

x

Thinking of you.Hoping that Friday comes quickly and that your dates are wrong
xx