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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Tell me it will get better

53 replies

lemonsherbet · 07/10/2010 18:47

Hi. I am almost 8 weeks and had small amount of dark brown spotting yesterday. This then stopped. I went to EPAU today and although it measures at almost 8 weeks there is no heart beat. I had to go back to work afterwards. I have not told anyone at work and my husband is working away. I have been given the 3 options but am not sure what to do. This was my first pregnancy. I guess I am just after people telling me it will get better.

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banana87 · 07/10/2010 19:35

Didn't want this to go unanswered. First and foremost I am very sorry for your loss

I had the same thing happen to me in my first pregnancy. I wanted to deal with practicalities first so quickly arranged for an ERPC as I did not want to miscarry naturally. For about a week after the ERPC I was low, and convinced I was unable to have babies. We waited 3 months, tried again, and fell pregnant with DD, now 2 :)

I promise it gets better. The one thing that made me feel better was the dr telling me there was likely something wrong with the baby, not anything I had done. It felt better that it happened at 8 weeks, not 12, 20, or even worse, at birth. Give yourself a break, and have some rest and lots of lovin from your partner.

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kat2504 · 07/10/2010 20:32

Am so sorry for your loss. I know that it feels absolutely undescribably awful when you are first told the bad news.

I have recently lost my first pregnancy in similar circumstances (missed miscarriage, no heartbeat at nearly 10 weeks) I opted for the erpc too as I wanted it to be over with as quickly and painlessly as possible.

It does get better. The first five days were absolutely terrible, you need to allow yourself to feel the grief and work through it. I don't think it is best to be at work at the moment. i don't know how on earth you managed to go back. I couldn't have done that! Regardless of which option you go for, you will probably need at least a week, if not two off. After the erpc I was also physically and emotionally very low for a week. Your doctor will provide you with a note. Of course, for some people carrying on with their routine helps to deal with things, but that isn't very practical when you are in pain and you are still bleeding. Even if they tell you it will be like a period, it probably won't be. If you have the erpc you will need to rest for a day or 2 after the anaesthetic.

Two months later I am feeling much better. It took two weeks to get over the worst and then I slowly started to get back to normal. I have bad days now and I still think about it a lot but am feeling much more positive and am ttc again.

Is your husband coming back to be with you? You will need some good support in the next few days. Have a good rest, let yourself cry as much as you need to, get some support from your family and look after yourself.

It does get better but it is still an awful thing to go through. When you are ready, there are lots of us on the TTC post mc boards who understand what you are going through and they are all very supportive.

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InMyPrime · 07/10/2010 20:59

Yes, the emotional pain does ease after a while and you'll get there in the end. You must be feeling devastated at the moment and utterly bereft. When I had my MMC (11 weeks, first pregnancy as well) back in August, the day they told me was the first time I've ever had anything close to suicidal or self-harming thoughts in my entire life. It was a really, really dark time and I thought I'd never get over it.

Here I am, nearly 2 months later and I am back at work, I am able to pass babies in the street and not well up, the dark thoughts have gone away and I'm looking forward to the future again. It does get better but it just takes time. The hormonal turmoil is half the battle and that eases after a couple of weeks. Make sure you look after yourself - everyone told me this after my MMC and I didn't really know what they meant by it when I didn't actually really care about anything anymore BUT it really did help to take a good amount of time off work (3 wks for me but I had a fairly traumatic natural MC), spend time with my husband and just take it easy on myself. It has definitely brought my husband and me closer together.

Unfortunately I can't reassure you about TTC and whether it's easy to get pregnant again as I didn't try to TTC this month and am taking a break from that pressure for now as it was all too much. I have felt a lot more fertile since the MC though so am optimistic for my future chances. Also there are lots of lovely MN-ers on here who have assured me that they got pregnant quickly after an MC, as with banana above. We can only hope, I suppose.

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lemonsherbet · 07/10/2010 21:21

Thanks, went to tesco to buy some pads for when I start bleeding. Almost burst into tears a couple of times but I managed it. I think I feel that I am partly to blame I am 34 years old, so maybe I should have started TTC earlier. Also I had my scan at lunchtime and they said they would let GP etc know. Then just before 5 got a call from the midwife wanting to make my booking visit. I think she felt really bad kept apologising after I told her.

Thank you for your support it makes me feel like I am not being stupid.

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mrsmillsfanclub · 07/10/2010 21:24

so sorry for your loss. It is very early days. I have had 2 mmcs. Like you, my dh was working abroad on both occasions and unfortunately I had to deal with 2 natural miscarriages at home with only a ten year old for support.
It does get easier, but you never forget. It took me at least 6 weeks before I physically felt back to my old self, but emotionally it took much longer. The most important thing is to take care of yourself and to make sure you don't go through this alone. You can only take each day one at a time for now. Take care.

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rachk32 · 07/10/2010 22:18

im mid recovering from my recent mc, this too was our first baby, i was 13 weeks b4 we realised anything was wrong, the scan detected that the baby had died at 8 weeks.
I also went through a very distressing natural mc which happened only two weeks ago, and still feel pretty raw.
today i had my all clear scan so we can now get on with getting myself healthy ready for maybe trying again after christmas.
During the first few weeks of pregnancy it was discovered that im not immune to rubella, so i now have to wait three months b4 trying again, but i think thats a good thing to be honest, give my body and mind time to recoop.
My husbabnd has been amazing, and this situation has brought us closer together too.
Emotionally its been difficult and also have had dark thoughts, especially in the first few weeks , but these forums have been a great help, so continue to share and update, as its really helped me. Thoughts and prayes to you all. Xx

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rachk32 · 07/10/2010 22:25

sorry also wanted to add im 33 and this was our first pregnancy.
im sure thr mc has nothing to do with your age, and like a previuos post said it really helped me to know i had no affect on why i mc,d, its all done to nature telling you the baby wasnt fit for life. This really helped me.
Also to say it took me exactly a week to finally miscarry, but everyones different. Me personally i wanted to do it naturally, but if it happened again i wouldnt go through it naturallyas the pain was very difficult to handle alone. But everyones different and you have to go with whats in your heart. Good luck and keep us informed, take care of yourself and trust in family and friends to help you through this time. X

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lemonsherbet · 08/10/2010 12:53

I just want to say thank you. I still keep bursting into tears but am coping. I have decided to go for the surgical option but have to wait to the 18th. They have no spaces before then.

My parents will be here this evening.

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KTRace · 08/10/2010 13:52

I am so very sorry for your loss. I have had one MC and one MMC. It does get better with time I promise, but I am still sad when I think about it and have the occasional cry (it has been a month sine I miscarried the MMC and about 6 weeks since I found out about it).
It is good that you will have your parents around, I could not cope being alone. Take care x

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Goodluckbear · 08/10/2010 14:37

Hi lemonsherbet,

So sorry for your loss. I had a MMC in similar circumstances in Jan this year, I went for the surgical option too. Do keep coming online here if you want to talk about what is happening, what a natural mc might be like (if it happens before the 18th), what the ERPC will be like - or if you just want to talk about it.

It does get easier with time. It was my first pregnancy and I'm now pregnant again (this one is just fine) but I still think about the one that was a MMC and feel sad every so often.

Take it easy, big hugs xxx

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emptyshell · 08/10/2010 16:37

Gradually the not-shit days outnumber the shit days (I generally get the perfectly sane and rational overpowering urge to hide under the dining table when at my worst - like that's going to help?!)... I managed a morning back at work yesterday - a big thing when you work with small children and they're all huggy and wanting to sit on your knee when tired... it almost killed me inside - but I did it. The day before was a mega-shit day, the first week after was all mega-shit days... so it starts to become do-able given time.

I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt - it's the shittest experience of my entire life and it hurts like hell, but it's gradually not becoming all consuming over the course of time. I also won't lie and say that I actually say to myself when in the car alone and driving past pregnant women and mums with buggies that "I hate you"... I figure if that little gesture of rebellion that only me and the Nodding Nessie in the back of my car see helps me get through it all - it helps.

One really daft thing I found helped after the surgery was to make sure I had nice new clean bedding ready for me to crawl into - sounds really daft but it helped me feel like it was a blank slate and new beginning in the bedroom department, especially when I got home and just wanted to wash away all of the miscarriage hospital aura from me - I got into fresh untainted-by-it sheets (and new sheets always feel lush anyway).

It's taken me a month nearly but I'm not having to be led through life like some shuffling zombie from Shaun of the Dead at least, I don't have to fall asleep to QVC (was the option least likely for me to encounter a baby on) to drown out the sound of my own thoughts and I can just about face a trip to Tesco on a good day.

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lemonsherbet · 08/10/2010 22:56

I just feel like I need it finished before I can move on. Not really in a good place at the moment just want to curl up into a ball and cry. But have been a bit better then yesterday. I did go to a garden centre and ended up bursting into tears- people must have thought I was crazy. There were just all of these christmas decorations, I don't know what set me off.

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emptyshell · 08/10/2010 23:13

It's ok - I walked through Ikea car park sobbing like a loon last week! Full blown waaaaaaaaaahs, not just the silent dignified tear thing either!

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alicatte · 08/10/2010 23:15

Hello lemonsherbet,

Firstly I am sorry for your loss too.

But you will feel better in time. My second pregnancy ended in a similar early miscarriage. I decided to wait for a natural conclusion because of my circumstances and just bled a lot for a while (it was quite painful to start with).

It really is true that it was nothing to do with you, most likely there was something wrong with the foetus (50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage) and believe me 34 is not very old at all. I planted white tulips in the garden to remember my lost possible child. It helped me.

BUT the child I conceived soon after that is now a fabulous 15 year old and I feel glad that circumstances led to him being born - I wouldn't change him for the world. I wouldn't change even the loss. You will feel the same way - trust me here.

You are naturally upset and the hormones will not be helping either. It is natural to grieve - be kind to yourself.

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MintChocAddict · 08/10/2010 23:38

Hi Lemonsherbet,
Sorry for your loss and everyone else on here.

My second pregnancy ended in miscarriage last summer. I too had a long wait for surgical ERPC option. If it's any reassurance to you the surgery and physical recovery afterwards was very straightforward and I think that in some way allowed me to move forward more quickly. Although I was fortunate to already have one child, the second pregnancy had taken over a year to achieve so to miscarry was very upsetting.

On a more positive note, I conceived again very quickly after the ERPC and I'm looking at the results of that pregnancy snoozing in his bouncer seat right now. I hope that doesn't upset you but instead gives you some hope. Without that exprience he wouldn't be here and now that he is I can't imagine not having him. I'm also a bit older than you so try not to fret about your age. I conceived again and many women older than me and you have too.

Take things a day at a time and allow yourself to feel sad. It's part of the healing process. Take care. Smile

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beefcake · 09/10/2010 15:15

Hi, I am/was 7 weeks 1 day today and currently working through what is still being described as a threatened miscarriage. I have a scan booked for Monday morning but the waiting is just torture - as if the heavy bleeding isn't bad enough. I've been bleeding since tuesday, and because of my dates the hospital didn't want to scan earlier. I feel helpless. If I'm honest I know what's happened, I'm struggling to eat and have been in bed on and off most of the week. I'm self employed so keeping off work is going to be very difficult. If its bad news on Monday what is the procedure?

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banana87 · 09/10/2010 15:37

Sorry to hear about your bleeding beefcake.
If you get bad news, they usually offer three options: medication, natural (wait), and ERPC. The ERPC is a simple, 15 minute procedure in which they clean out the womb. You are under general and wake up within 45 minutes of being put under. You bleed lightly for about a week then your body tends to go back to 'normal' quite quickly. I don't know too much about the other methods because I have always chosen ERPC as I did not want to go through the trauma of miscarriage if I didn't have to.

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lemonsherbet · 09/10/2010 17:42

Beefcake I wish you luck.


Can I ask what sort of things should I take with me to the hospital. Do I need to take PJ? I know I will be nil by mouth, do I need to take food for afterwards. Sorry I know these are silly questions. Just want to be prepared.

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beefcake · 09/10/2010 22:13

Thanks for your advice. I was bleeding really heavily earlier and then passed what looked like a string of tiny clots ( sorry if TMI) since then the bleeding has subsided does anyone, based on their experience, think this is significant? I know it's silly but there's a tiny bit of me hoping by some chance that perhaps I could have been carrying twins? I also feel better than I did earlier which is odd? Mondays scan seems eons away yet. :)

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beefcake · 09/10/2010 22:18

Wish you luck too lemonsherbert. I know exactly how you feel at the moment. I've been all over the place emotionally, trying to work out why this is happening, blaming myself, my age, karma - you name it I've thought it.

I can't believe you've got to wait till the 18th. If you can I'd get signed off work. Take care.

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lemonsherbet · 10/10/2010 08:02

anyone what will I need with me when I go to the hospital?

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CMD83 · 10/10/2010 08:44

Lemon- I had my ERPC on 30/09/10.
You will need slippers and a dressing gown. They will give you a surgical gown to wear.
It was not as unpleasant as I thought all the staff were really sensitive. My partner was not allowed with me wich I found really dificult ut when it all got to much for me (when I was being prepped it hit me like a ton of bricks that they were taking my baby out and it was never coming home) The nurse gt my partner and we were allowed a few moments. I waited 2 days for my ERPC but had been bleeding and camping for 5 days before. During the procedure the doc said the remaining tissue was infected so I guess I got it at the right time, just finished a weeks course of antibiotic and have had a BFN so hopefully I will ovulate soon. When i went to my doc he told me he would have no concerns if I begam preg before AF so fingers crossed. I hope all goes well for you. It does get better I still have wobbly chin moments, my first week back at work was incredibly draing emotionally. sorry for rambling.

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beefcake · 10/10/2010 15:05

The bleeding is back again and my hormones are raging. My poor partner has no idea how to deal with me. I hope I can get a grip on things once we know for sure. I can't seem to settle and don't know where to put myself. Confused

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beefcake · 10/10/2010 15:12

CMD83 what's a BFN?Blush

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banana87 · 10/10/2010 15:13

If it's heavy, if you are saturating more than 1 pad per hour then head to A&E. It doesn't sound like you've passed everything yet.

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