Fudgecat - I'm so sorry you're going through this. Our DD2 died after I came down with swine flu when I was 36 weeks pregnant on New Years Eve. She was born on 4th January this year. When they did a scan and told us that she'd died I went totally numb and didn't really react for a long time (days to weeks).
It is worth considering what you would like to happen during the birth - even though we new DD2 had died it was still the birth of my daughter. We worked hard to ask questions so that we understood the reason for each and every intervention, which allowed us to make it the best experience it could be. The only thing I'd have changed would have been to have a waterbirth (not practical for me as the SANDS suite at the hospital couldn't have a pool and they didn't want me on the main labour ward due to the swine flu).
Pain relief is very hard to predict. Having already given birth to DD1 at home I knew I could birth a baby if my head was in the right place, so that was where I invested my energy. They offered me an opiate based Patient Controlled Analgesia system, but I wanted and needed to know what was going on - in some respects I think it was easier as, having had DD1, I wasn't afraid of giving birth so much as I was afraid of giving birth to a dead baby, if that makes sense.
Before DD2 was born we were warned that she might not look as perfect as we might like and so I asked our MW to let us know before we decided to see and hold her. I think we'd have seen her regardless, but at least we were prepared - as it was she was beautiful and looked just like a normal baby.
We were also warned that her skin would be exceptionally fragile and that, if she were bathed, there was a risk that it would be damaged. We opted to have the MW's wash her face and hands, which they did very gently, but not the rest of her. Part of me does regret not being more involved - but then I'm also grateful that I didn't try only to end up hurting her.
Re. the hand and foot prints, as far as I know they use an invisible ink so (assuming they are possible) they shouldn't leave any stain.
Re. milk, I was recommended sage by a herbalist - apparently she'd normally make an infusion up, but given the weather it wouldn't have got to me in time. I drank sage tea (good spoonful left in the water as long as possible, sweetened with honey). I think the tight bra thing is slightly controversial as there is a risk that you'll wind up with mastitis if the bra doesn't fit very well - I opted to put up with the milk. I was recommended a well fitting bra that would lift them up to promote drainage without being too tight. I found cold cabbage leaves very soothing (get a savoy cabbage in the fridge - break off a leaf, cut out the steam, scrumple it to release the enzymes and stick it in your bra - sounds bizarre but VERY effective). Sleeping in a bra is recommended but I couldn't do it - I used an inco pad under the sheet (ask your MW for some - its a waterproof backed, absorbent pad) to protect the mattress with a towel on top to soak up the worst of any leaks.
We opted for a service in our village church with a burial afterwards. A book our rector recommended was Just My Reflection by Sister Frances Dominica of Helen House. I found it to be the most useful thing I read and it gave us a lot of thoughts and ideas about what we could do before and for the funeral. After reading it we opted to collect DD from the funeral directors the night before the funeral and take her to the church ourselves. We also opted for a wicker casket/coffin rather than the shiny white one the funeral director's usually used for babies.
One other thing you might want to consider is who, if anyone, you'd like to see your Splodge after the birth. There are only DH and I, DD1, my sister and our Independent MW who I would count as friends and family who actually saw DD2. At the time I don't think we could have coped with either set of grandparents coming - but looking back part of me wishes they could have seen her.
I'm so sorry you've got to think about all of this - its not right that little babies die :(. My heart goes out to you, your DH and family. I hope you have plenty of support around you and the birth goes peacefully.