How to prepare for a stillbirth [sad]

[fudgecat]

This is my first pregnancy and I?m 33+6 weeks. At my 20 week scan it was discovered that my baby had severe onset IUGR and was told the prognosis was poor. At the consultant?s recommendation I went for an amnio the following day, this came back all clear but also caused my waters to break. I have been in and out of hospital ever since and have made it to 33 weeks but the baby hasn?t grown much and is the size of a 23\24 week baby. I have been having weekly scans and at last weeks scan we were told that the reverse flow had got a lot worse and that the baby was likely to pass away this week.
They won?t offer me a section as I have low platelets and would be at too high risk of bleeding\hysterectomy.

I have been trying so hard to stay strong and hope for a miracle but I know that I now need to prepare myself for a stillbirth.
How can I prepare myself for this?

I am so sorry

No advice or experience, but wanted to send sympathy / positive vibes / hugs. Someone more helpful will be along soon. We'll be thinking of you both and hoping for you.

I don't know anything about still birth but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss

Gosh that is so sad, im sorry for your loss fudgecat.
I guess all you can do is to mourn and grieve and be kind to yourself.

I have no advice as never been in that sad place, but my heart goes out to you. Does the hospital not offer any kind of counselling service that could help you through this awful time?

I am so sorry too, I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. I am sorry I can't be of more help. Thinking of you xx

In the US a number of hospitals offer a perinatal hospice service for families of babies who have a poor prognosis and are likely to die before or shortly after birth.

I don't know of anything like that in this country but this site: perinatalhospice.org/ might have some information/links that will be relevant to you.

I'm so sorry that you're facing this. Thinking of you and your baby

Im so sorry.

So sorryx

I am so, so sorry. SANDS would be a good place to ask for help, as unfortunatly all the ladies there have been through it.

You might want to think about getting a finger and footprint kit from somewhere like Alexandras angel gifts, a memory box, and some clothes to fit your little one

Fudgecat what a horrible situation to be in, I am so so sorry for your little one.

To be fair to the hospital, they prefer you to labour with a baby that they know will be born sleeping as it is easier on your body and on future pregnancies, I know his is likely to be the lsat thing on your mind at the moment but it's a big decision to have a major operation.

You can ask to be put in touch with the bereavement midwife, they should have at least one and ask her to talk you through what to expect. i get the impression they are hoping that you will go into labour on your own, but if you don't and your little one passes away but your body doesn't let go, I imagine they will prefer to induce you within 24-48 hours later. You will have access to as much pain relief as you want/need and you should be able to have whoever and how many people that you want with you at the time. Sadly as they don't need to monitor baby, your labour should be very unmanaged with little intervention.

Your baby is likely to be quite dark with possible very thin skin. He or she will have their eyes closed and very red lips as if they have been bleeding. It can vbe shocking at first but it's still your first born and I would urge you to hold him/her and spend as much time as you can making memories.

You will have the option of a service with the hospital chaplain too.

I'm sorry I have to dash now but if you'd like to email me I'm happy to chat further

l c t w a l t e r s at sky dot com, no spaces

Look after yourself. x

I'm sorry for your loss.

As others have said your hospital should have a bereavement midwife and they will be able to help in many ways. Also I can second Sands as an excellent source of advice and comfort in the days/week/months and years following a stillbirth.

I can understand at the moment that the idea of a natural delivery seems awful but please remember it is the best thing for you physically and often mentally. I know both myself and many of the woman I have met through sands have gained a great deal of comfort from our labours and the fact that we were able to deliver our lost children.

The hospital will arrange as much (or as little) pain relief as you want and reast assured you will be a priority.

Do take a camera and a special outfit/blanket to the hospital so that you can take as many photos as you wish, alternatively the midwives will often be more than happy to do this for you if you don't feel ready to do this or even see your baby immediately.

If you have any specific queries please ask - thinking about you.

I am so, so sorry for you. Take care of yourself xxx

Fudgecat I'm not sure how helpful I can be on this as fortunately I have never been been through this awful experience personally but my Aunt has when my cousin was born 17 years ago, although it was different circumstances as pregnancy was going fine until she went into labour early and was told during that her baby had passed away :(

I don't think that there is much that you can do to prepare yourself mentally but I remember my Aunt sayig that she was 'happy' to finally be seeing her baby although obviously it was bittersweet she said it meant that she would be able to keep her looks, smell and just the fact that she had given birth to her made her in a way seem more real and like one of her DC's as it was hard for her to connect when they spoke about a fetus.

It might be an idea to think about whether you want to hold LO, photo's and hand/footprints are also an idea. Again my Aunt did all of these things but could not bring herself to look at them for a long, long time but now has those precious prints beside her bed :)

Do you have a partner/family to share all of this with because it might help you to talk, if not there should be counselling services you can get through your midwife, I realise this may seem a horrid thought but maybe they could help you to somehow make sense of all this.

Sorry if I was'nt much help like I say I can only draw on others experiences.

I will be thinking of you and your DC and sending you positive vibes just incase :)

Also meant to say SANDS are very good too.

Hi there - I just want to say I am so sorry and I have also been there (at about the same point as you). I do hope your situation might change but if not maybe my experience is helpful.

I don't think there is much you can do to prepare yourself mentally but there were definitely things that other people helped me to do, thing about and prepare for that I found very difficult (I think I was in shock)... but were important for me after the event.

I would say be prepared for a painful labour (if you end up being induced I was warned it would be more painful than a normal induction) and make sure you get the pain relief you need. I avoided an epidural for as long as possible and this was a mistake as there was a horrible couple of hours in the middle of the night when I couldn't get one and had maxed out on every other type of pain relief. The epidural was marvellous. Try and think in advance of how you are feeling pain wise so you get taken care of in time. I sometimes felt in the labour that I shouldn't make as much fuss as they had to take care of other mothers with live babies who were more important but I realise in retrospect that I should have been more vocal. My DH was wonderful though.

Think about your birthplan before, be clear about what you are comfortable and uncomfortable with and also (perhaps ask your DH or birth partner to do this) make sure that your exposure to other babies and mothers at the hospital is handled carefully i.e. you shouldn't be put on a ward with babies afterwards. Request a private room if necessary.

You should think about if there is anything you would like the baby to be wrapped/dressed in after it is born. My baby was taken away and washed and brought back in a family heirloom blanket (that stayed with her). You may also want to think if there is anything else you might like to stay with the baby if you are leaving them at the hospital (mine went for a post mortem etc. so stayed there).

I felt in almost too much pain to hold my baby but I had been encouraged beforehand by the midwife and also a therapist that I should do this as I would only get one chance to do this and it might help me grieve. They were right and those precious moments were and are very important to me. I also had photos (which I haven't looked at yet) and foot and hand prints etc. taken and they are in a special box that I keep. You should perhaps put your requests for holding the baby, dressing it, etc. in your birth plan. My baby was lovely by the way and her little face was perfect.

The day after you might also be asked about funeral/cremation etc. We had the hospital's cremation (which was a long wait 3 months because of PM etc.) which was a lovely, sensitive service (DH and I wrote letters to her that were placed in her coffin). We later had the ashes scattered somewhere important to us. I worried for a long time afterwards about this but finally thought of the right place and let them go and I finally felt that I had put her to rest.

It is such a terrible terrible time for you and you will grieve... but the days slowly start to get better.

I will be thinking of you.

Also forgot to say that I was also really glad I gave birth and delivered her (which sounds strange).

Just from reading the other posts, someone mentioned milk coming in and I remembered that my midwife told me immediately after the birth to wear a couple of too small bras (at the same time) for a few days to compress the breasts as this will stop the milk coming in - I did it and it worked for me.

This is so sad, I'm really sorry. This happened to me 3 months ago and I totally feel your heartache.

My husband and I decided to let our closest friends know in advance what was going to happen so that the phone calls etc weren't such a hurdle to face after giving birth. We found it terribly difficult to do but it really was so much better than having to do it afterwards, it also meant friends were there for me straight away, looking out for me, sending comforting messages and cards. Otherwise I would have locked myself in the house and found it so much harder to get out into the world again.

I really recommend having photos and hand/foot prints taken. I have only recently been able to look at them but it would have been a huge regret not to have them. I'm so glad we took our own camera too and that my husband took some pictures as the ones from the hospital were poor quality and I'd have been very disappointed if that's all we'd had.

I'm so glad I held my baby William in my arms too. It was utterly heartbreaking but I am so glad I did it.Be prepared for what your baby will look like, ask the midwives as many questions as you can, even if you think they're silly questions. Same goes for the funeral, I asked exactly what his coffin would look like, size, colour, name plaque etc as I didn't want to be so overwhelmed with shock when I saw it.

Get in touch with SANDS. It doesn't take any pain away but further down the line there is some comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

Let me know if I can help with anything further.

I really feel for you. It hasn't got easier for me yet but there are days when I don't cry and I never believed that could happen.

I don't think you can prepare yourself for the potential death of your baby. Forgive me for asking, I know nothing medical, but haven't baby's aged 23-24 weeks survived before when born early, if baby has stopped growing is there a reason they won't induce you?

I really really hope the doctors are wrong and your baby survives. Take care of yourself.

I am so sorry Fudgecat :(

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

24 week old babies look just like term babies but smaller, with thinner, almost see thought skin and different colouring so please don't be scared to to look, it wont be frightening.

The advise offinding something beautiful to wrap your baby in is great. It will mean a lot to you that you chose his or her first outfit and Lucy101's idea about writing your baby some letters is lovely.

How utterly heartbreaking. I have nothing i can add but my sympathy. I am so sorry xx

Nothing more to add, some excellent advice here, just wanted to send my love x

Fudgecat - I am so so sorry to read this. I pray for a miracle for you, and that your darling baby survives.. reading your post has made me cry.

I will give you my personal experience, and I hope out of it you can take something to prepare yourself, but in reality I'm not sure anything really does.

My first baby, Anabelle, was born sleeping 12 weeks ago today.

My story is quite different - 32+4 I went to the hospital because I hadn't felt Belle move for a while. During an emergancy scan I was told her heart had stopped.

They didn't want to give me a C-Sec because they said as I was only 32 weeks the womb lining would still be quite thick, and unless there was an emergancy they would rather not go down that route due to the increased risks of scarring and causing problems for future pregnancies. It is scary at the moment, but I promise you you'll be so glad you gave birth to your baby. Its one of the most important things I was able to do for Belle, bring her to us and put her to rest.

It took 5 days to induce me - Day 1 I was given a tablet and nothing happened, another 1 24 hours later, still nothing. Day 3 was a "rest day" with no treatment, and then Day 4 I was admitted to hospital and had drugs every 4 hours and pesseries etc. It wasn't until they broke my waters in the evening on the 5th day that labour became established and she arrived 5 hours later. It may not take that long for you - I think I was quite unsual in that respect.

You will probably be offered a morphine drip for the pain. This in all honesty did little for the pain for me, but it did keep me quite calm - sort of woozy and sleepy. I had g+a otherwise, but couldn't have epidural due to an infection. You will be offered as much pain relief as they are able to give you. I'm glad I felt the pain now, because I did it, and felt it for her. Its makes it so much more real - if that makes any sense at all.

Others have asked how you feel about holding, seeing, photos of your baby. And all I can say to you is - you'll NEVER regret the things you did do with your baby, but you may regret the things you didn't. I urge you to do as much with your baby as you can - these memories will be so precious.

We had 5 days to decide what we wanted after she was born. We decided we wanted to do as much as we would've done if she'd been born screaming. Belle was delivered straight onto my chest and I had lots of skin to skin contact with her, as did my DH. DH still cut Belle's cord. I dressed her myself and we took loads of photos. Don't be scared to hold or look at your baby - they will be beautiful. We kept Belle with us for 12 hours after she was born, kept holding her and kissing her and telling her how much we loved her. I don't regret a minute of the time we spent with her.

Skin colouring may be different, Belle was darker than normal and her lips quite red/dark. But other than that she looked like a tiny sleeping newborn. I have a photo of her on my profile - I promise she isn't scary at all.

Your milk will come in and it will be uncomfortable. My boobs were really sore. Mine came in about 3/4 days later properly and it was horrendous, but I promise it slows down quite quickly. I leaked for about a month, but the flow slowed down considerably after the first week.

It sounds as if your baby will be very tiny - Mothercare do a range of prem-baby clothes. I think the smallest they do is up to 3lb, you can order them online as I don't think the shops routinely stock them. It was important to us that Belle would be in something that fitted her. My Mum also knitted a cardigan the day after we were told she'd died - so she'd have something special and fitting to wear. I would suggest choosing something and taking into the hospital - we felt much better when Belle was dressed and wrapped in the things we'd taken for her.

To start off with she was wrapped in a hospital sheet with one of their blankets (which they let me keep), but when I'd recovered enough to dress her myself and wrap her in her own blanket it made all the difference.

Take handprints and footprint, ask for a cutting of your baby's hair.

The midwives will no doubt be amazing, gentle and loving and will give you all the support you need. I cannot thank the ladies who looked after me enough.

We arranged the funeral ourselves - another thing which helped me enormously. I wrote all about my pregnancy and how special she was to us, and how much we love her and this was read out at her funeral. I wrote a long long letter to Belle and left it with her in her coffin, along with a teddy, the first toy we'd bought her and a photo of her with us.

Do as much as you're able to do, and don't feel guilty about anything you're not able to. Its a hugely distressing time, and you do whatever you can to survive the minutes, hours and days.

I can only echo what others have said about SANDS. Days are still hard for us, you will experience a full range of emotions and some days you probably won't recognise yourself.

You may find some people are unable to talk about your baby, and you'll probably get insensitive comments like "you can have another one" or "it was natures way" - people don't understand, and they mean well for the most part but just to prepare for how isolating this can be. I will post up something called "I Wish" in a minute - which someone sent to me from SANDS. I posted it on my FB profile to try and help my friends "get it"....

I make a point of talking about Belle a lot - she may not be here but she IS and ALWAYS will be my daughter, my firstborn. I have a a photo of her up in the house - I know it is personal for everyone, but its helped me enormously refusing to hide her away. She is my girl and I'm proud of her.

Please be gentle on yourself. I wish I had words to really help you. There is a thread for bereaved mummies on Mumnset - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1011327-In-memory-of-my-beloved-Fraser-and-all-our-children - lots of different experiences, but there are quite a few Mummies who've had sleeping babies. Please come and find us if you need or want support. Its a very gentle and special thread and lots of lovely ladies x x x

One other thing re your milk coming in. i was given tablets to supress my milk. I have since heard that there is some evidence that these carry a very tiny risk of causing cancer and some hospitals don't offer them. I gave birth at St Thomas's last year and it wasn't an issue there but it might be something to consider i.e. whether or not you would want the tablets.

I don't regret having them at all but I suspect it is better to be informed.