How to prepare for a stillbirth [sad]

[fudgecat]

This is my first pregnancy and I?m 33+6 weeks. At my 20 week scan it was discovered that my baby had severe onset IUGR and was told the prognosis was poor. At the consultant?s recommendation I went for an amnio the following day, this came back all clear but also caused my waters to break. I have been in and out of hospital ever since and have made it to 33 weeks but the baby hasn?t grown much and is the size of a 23\24 week baby. I have been having weekly scans and at last weeks scan we were told that the reverse flow had got a lot worse and that the baby was likely to pass away this week.
They won?t offer me a section as I have low platelets and would be at too high risk of bleeding\hysterectomy.

I have been trying so hard to stay strong and hope for a miracle but I know that I now need to prepare myself for a stillbirth.
How can I prepare myself for this?

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean she doesn't deserve your recognition.

1. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

1. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten her and that you do care and understand.

1. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about her.

1. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

1. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

1. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

1. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently and ready to do things again in our own time.

1. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.

13. My babies birthday, due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace them. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women or newborn babies is uncomfortable for me.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

I hope this helps you x x

CazEm, That was a lovely post.

I am sorry you lost Belle :( Life is too cruel sometimes.

CazEM I am so sorry you lost your beautiful baby girl. How kind, brave and selfless you are to post such a moving post when you must be still grieving so much.

Oh Fudgecat, it's a horrible position to be in. I had a stillbirth 12 weeks ago today at 36 weeks. I discovered he was dead after I had already gone into labour so I was in such shock that I really don't remember it very well.

Things to think about would definitely be pain control. Something for your baby to wear/be wrapped in. There are websites that you can get clothes for tiny babies. such as www.earlybaby.co.uk/index.asp
www.babyprem.com/

Take lots of photos and be sure to get hand and foot prints done - the hospital should be able to do this for you if you feel unable. As said by a previous poster - don't rely on the photos taken by the hospital. Mine was also not very good.

Be sure to ask for the medication that stops your milk production. Some hospitals do not give this as standard and it may not be something you would think to ask for. If the hospital refuses perhaps your GP could help. Also ask your midwife to put a sign (the SANDS symbol is often used) on both the door to the room you are in and on your postnatal notes. I had 5 or 6 ppl walking into the room when I was spending time with my baby and most of them even congratulated us before realising they shouldn't and the midwife who visited me at home didn't know we had had a loss until my Mum told her.

Again as said before SANDS are a very good organisation www.uk-sands.org/Support/A-bereavement-journey.html

I am really sorry to hear your sad news. I hope it miraculously works out and this preparation is all unnecessary.

Lovely post CazEm.

So sorry for your loss, mine was only a few weeks earlier.
Thank you xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my son at 30 weeks in June. I didn't see my Baby although DH did and I regret this greatly. I was told that he was very red and it might be unsettling, what I wouldn't give to spend some time with him. I can't really say anything to make you feel any better as I think it is one of the most awful things a mother can go through. Like Caz I had a lot if morphine and this made the birth a bearable experience as I didn't really know what was happening. The bereaved mummies thread has been a godsend as have SANDS.

One thing that I'm glad that we had was a private funeral. Friends and family came and it was at the church in our village, Malachy is buried a 5 minute walk away, it helps to know he's close by.

Again, I'm so sorry and I understand how awful this is x

I'm very sorry to hear your news.
My son died inutero and I went into hospital to be induced.
The care I received was wonderful, I was in what they called 'the family room' on the Labour ward which was accessed via a back door so I didn't have to go on the Labour ward, the room had 2 beds so DH could have stayed with me if I'd stayed overnight but I was keen not to and didn't.
The midwives were lovely, they will ask you if you wish to see your baby straight away or will offer to take them away, dress them and then bring them back.
I wasn't expecting my milk to come in and it was a horrible shock so I'm glad you've been warned about that.
Put someone in charge of letting people know on your behalf.
Best wishes x

so sorry for all your losserS :(

So sorry to hear about your awful experience and your loss, fudgecat. I recently lost my first pregnancy too (MMC). I hope you find the strength you need to get through this and I'm sure you will if you have coped already with the emotional rollercoaster of the weeks since your scan.

I'm just really sorry. All of you...

I too am so sorry for everyone who has lost a child in this way, I know it affects not only the parents but the wider family too. Just wanted to mention that here in Australia I know that some places that do christening gowns also offer garments for babes born sleeping & there are even some specialist places that only do clothes for this situation - I don't know if it is the same in the UK though. Definitely a good thing to chose babe's first outfit, whatever it may be. Take care.

I am so very sorry you may have to go through this.

I lost my son at 20 weeks in November 2008. I can only echo what the other ladies said. Don't be scared of labour I am really glad I gave birth to him- in a funny way by the time he was born I was more prepared I think. It also felt like the last thing I could do for him. Please take all the pain relief offered. It is very painfull- I say this having had 2 other children (one with no pain relief). I think the fact that you are in so much emotional pain makes its harder to deal with actual pain. I ended up with a morphine pump which did not take away the pain as such but did reduce how stressed I was and therefore helped me to cope. By the end I was quite "stoned" but I think that was a good thing as I was in my own little world labouring to give birth to my son if you know what I mean.

As for whether you do or do not hold your baby it is a very personal thing. So far most of the posters have held their babies. I did not - and this is something I do not regret. I did not need to see him to know him. I had known him in my womb and did not want to break that spell. Also when my dad died 5 years ago I chose not to go and see him laid out in the funeral home- something I have also never regreted. So go with what you want- dont be pressured to see/ not see your child if that is not what you want.

I am so sorry. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that we are all thinking of you.

x

Ps I do not know if this helps but I did successfully carry a baby to term a year later and now have a lovely boy.

Hi, fudgecat, I'm not sure how prepared you can be, but here are the things that helped me.

The staff were excellent, professional but really caring and encouraged us to hold and care for our daughter.

Spending time with her and having a service with the chaplin.

Delivering her did help, and has also meant I could go home the same day when I had my third child this year. I still miss Ethel and my two boys are absolutly no replacement, but bring a lot of joy in their own right.

Finding people that will let you talk about your child.

Making the funeral as personal as possible, we both wrote poems.

For a while I was very angry at people who did'nt follow the advice given during pregnancy , after all I had and look what happened.

Ethel would have been 4 this November and we will go out for a family day to remember her as we have done for the last 3 years.

If your trust doesn't have a breavement midwife ( I was in the 40% that do)ask to talk to a councillor. Mine was really good and urged me to be kind to myself and that if their was anything I could concentrate on even for a short time I should do it- grief is an intense emotion and cannot be kept up 24hrs a day.

I hope this helps, unfortunately to echo what others said it can be quite an isolating experience

Fudgecat, I'm so sorry to hear your sad news.

I've never had a stillbirth but 2 friends have. I think that you are being given some amazing advice by the other ladies on here about how to cope.

Something which has not been mentioned but that one friend found very helpful was registering with the Baby Mail Preference Service. By now, loads of companies etc out there knwo you are pregnant, and will send you mailings at the due date, which can be very painful. This mail service stops it from happening to a great extent, and it might be something you want to get someone to do for you?

Thinking of you and your family and your little one xx

Fudge I am so sorry to hear about splodge. Was constantly checking in on the grad thread to see how you were doing and keeping hopeful for you.

I wish I could say something useful - but I can not even imagine how you must be feeling.

All I can say is that my thoughts and prayers are with you all - you have been amazingly strong and wise throughout this whole process. There also seems to be some good advice above.

I hope you find the strength to keep you going.

Thinking of you and spoldge xx

Thinking of you and your family. x

fudge I'm so sorry to read this.

You, your DP and your LO have been in my thoughts every day recently. I really admire how long and hard you have fought for your LO, and I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this.

I know that there are few words that anyone can say to make you feel better right now, but I just want you to know that you and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. xx

Fudge I am so so sorry that you and your family have received this news.

My mother had a still born, due to issues relating to the pregnancy. It took her a long time to learn how to best cope, so take all the time you need - and there is no such thing as "the right way" to grieve. Do what you need, at your pace.

This is truly terrible news, and my thoughts and prayers are with you, your family, and everyone else on here that has experienced loss

My mum kept the photo's, name bracelet and a wisp of hair from my sister - although she has still been unable to look at them, it helped her to have them.

It is very personal to whether you want pictures displayed but as someone said you will only regret what you don't do. It would be better to have the choice when you feel able to make the decision - than to wish you had something later.

My sister had a funeral and my dad says this was what he needed to know my sister "was real". They celebrate my sister and we (including the younger siblings) know all about her.

Do what you need, and talk it through with your husband.

If you need anything at this difficult time, please let us know - advice support, or just someone to be angry with xxx

Fudge, just wanted to add my support and say how desperately sad I am to hear this news. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Not much to add, fudgecat, except that you are in my thoughts, and 5 years one, I now actually remember ddd1's birth with many more smiles than tears. It was actually a lovely time, and getting to deliver her, and hold her, and say goodbye, made me realise that I was then, and always would be a mother.

Oh fudge, so sorry to read this post. You have been so much in my thoughts over the last few months and I've been really rooting for you and splodge.

I don't have anything useful to add that hasn't already been said, but I just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you Fudge, and with all you ladies who have been through this. I am so sorry.

Caz your Belle is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing her with us.

Oh, Fudge, I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family.

fudge I am so sorry that this is happening to you, DH and splodge.

There is nothing anyone can say or do to make this feel any better. My sister went to full term and had a still birth with no warning so i although i can not possibly know how you are feeling, I know how your family will be feeling. They will want to be there for you and when you are ready make sure you let them in. The one positive that came from my sister losing Emily was that she realised how much her family loved her.

You are in my prayers xxxx