i feel old before my time

[kelway]

for the last 6 years i have been so consumed with the desperation to try and have a second child that i really hadn't noticed that i think i have been perimenopausal for the last year at least, i feel a real fool. it is a while ago now that i have pretty much come to terms with the fact that i will never complete my family, i know i am lucky to have one child, i am 45, and it has suddenly occured to me that my phases of unexplained anxiety (stressed, the feeling that you have forgotten something important when you know you haven't but cannot control it), no night sweats but eratic periods ie one cycle 34 days, light when it comes, then come on 2 weeks later, heavier, sometimes a week before af comes light brown spotting, some times the af will drag on for a couple of weeks with very light spotting of red, only when you wipe after a wee, really depressing the realisation that your body is changing. i don't think i would be that bothered about it, not if it hadn;t wanted another child, this makes it so final, i feel really old and washed up. not sure if to go to dr, i assume it is age, i too have put weight on only on tummy and tops of legs, go to gym and live pretty healthily, feel really depressed, especially as everyone around me (school run bollocks) seems to be knocking them out like rabbits.

You are lucky to have one child. Children are a bonus not a right and there are plenty of complete families with one child only. None of us stay young and beautiful for ever.
Count your blessings.

elasticwoman, you really have a way with words, thanks for your supportive and informative adice, ever thought of taking up councelling?

Counselling isn't about giving advice.

I see that no one else has even thought your OP worth answering.

So you have slightly lower than average number of children (for UK), and slightly lower than average onset of menopause. Is that the whole problem or is there something I'm missing here?

It's a horrible feeling when you feel tired & run down. I've been there and it does help to go to the GP. Read up on the menopause /HRT (I'm sure you have) to inform yourself and get a general MOT. Be reassured that you are not alone. You can move on and cherish the family you have without distraction and the adjustment can lead to lots of positive stuff.

Elastic - I can't understand why you are being so terse with Kelway. It's totally unnecessary.

Kelway, this is a stage of life that has come a bit early for you. It's sad that you didn't have the second child that you yearned. However, and as hard as it may sound, it would seem your family is complete in terms of you giving birth. Would you consider adoption/fostering?

If you are feeling washed up and down you really should see your gp. This is quite a difficult stage of life.

Take care.

monty 27 and chateliane - thanks for your friendly responses, much appreciated. actually, i am not a 'mumsnet' person, i only came on out of curiosity as i have both heard and read as of late how it seems to be a magnet for alot of 'bitchy' or 'less than happy with their lot' or 'bored' women so i was interested to see for myself. i would say that from what i have observed obviously most posters seem nice and 'normal' however compared to the other place i used to post ie when i had a miscarriage years ago, and when i was ttc etc i must say that this site does seem to attract let's say a fair share of what i can only describe as uptight, over opinionated females who personally i could do without. that posting from the 'other one' was totally unecessary. i have no time for women like that, i can only imagine her type but i am not interested enough to talk about her anymore, rotten old sow with a big mouth who has no idea how it feels to have secondary infertility. then again, if her outbirst was because i irritated her as perhaps she has no children through infertility then i send a genuine heartfelt kind wishes. when i miscarried my first child i remember one of the posters was a women who already had a child and it used to piss me off no end as i thought she already has a child, she cannot feel pain, however now being in that position i can understand as even though the longing ache is absoluately nothing like that of someone who has no children secondary infertility is still a painful thing, a small unseen area in society that one has no idea about unless they found they could not conceive their much longed for second child which when you look around is actually quite rare. most women who have children want and have more than one and having been involved in secondary infertility groups for years am aware that it is rare that a women who has 'only one child' had one through choice, most like myself have had a fair few failed treatments. sorry to waffle, these hormones turn me into a wild women!! all the best and have a good weekend, k

Kelway - perhaps you're right about the other poster, but it's unusual to be so unsympathetic. Don't let it put you off. It is more normal to have good support on here tbh and if you stick with it people in your position will probably show up. You could post on different topics as well where there's people in your position.

Have a good weekend. Hope to see you again.

You don't have secondary infertility when you leave having your second child until 45. You have the menopause. People are very sympathetic, but biology is kind of an unchanging fact. I'm sorry that your finding it difficult to concieve a second child, but it's not exactly surprising that you would be less fertile at 45.

RRR - that's more mn style.

I don't understand the tones on here.

And I was rude and didn't say it so...

Welcome Kelway.

Oh I do feel for you kelway. I think finding yourself at the end of your fertility is a bit depressing even when your family is complete. I know I'm noticing ever extra line and every extra pound these days.

I do know a couple of women who conceived their first children when they thought they were well and truly menopausal though so don't give up yet. Good luck.

This is 6 years down the line - I don't think it unreasonable to have had an expectation of a baby at 39 and 6 years fly by. I feel for you and you appear to be exploring the realisation and acceptance of a bitter disappointment, which should not be diminished, it's painful and that imo has prompted this thread.

hi monry27, ruby' & suggarmaker', thanks for posting. i have been ttc for 6 long years with many different failed treatments. actually, i came to terms with the fact that i wouldn't have another about 6 months ago however when i get hormonal/see pg women my disappointment does flare up as most of the time i have it buried and am enjoying life as it is, busy and fullfilled, i know i am lucky and appreciate my fortune but i do have moments of feeling sorry for myself which i know is wrong but hormones get the better of me, it has hit hard the sudden realisation of meno', just makes it all so final. correct me if i am wrong but i couldn't find a section where women who are ie having fertility treatment/fertility issues, is this because there ain't one?? funny really, as females go i have always been a bit of a tomboy (don't wear makeup etc, have no interest in most feminine things in that dept) and rarely look in a mirror so to be honest, i don't really care much about the aging physical side of things although i do have my moments when i notice the grey hairs or changing skin and it is depressing but that is i guess because i have a fear of death, i see the meno' as my behing half way through my life and now death approaches....cheery soul that i am (i am not as bleak as i am making myself sound but i am a glass is half empty type of person, can't help it. i am lucky thought as i am naturrally thin and look alot younger than my 45 years but still don't have much interest in my appearance, never have really much to my mothers annoyance!! always followed the hippy trail through life, blimey i can talk

Kelway - lol. Good to see you again. You do sound a wee bit down tbh. I get those feelings too, I'm sure many people do. I think it's part of it, looking at your mortality etc and then learning to live with it??? I'm the same age as you and have been taking hrt for two years. I was hoping for some big happy hit but it didn't happen. But, please go and discuss things with your gp. You have to go with it I think. When you've seen your gp tell me what she/he said because I keep meaning to go and have the same convo. lol. (And I'm a wee bit vain )

hi monty27, what is hrt like? i don't really want to take it but will see how it goes. i am a worrier with regard to health and i think that if i knew for sure that what i am experiencing (dodgy af's) were nothing more than meno' related then i would actually be ok about it, it is the worrying that it could be something more sinister. next time i have some weird bleeding i will go to gp although i don't like going. i had just over a year ago check up scans for ovaries and uterus and all seemed fine but that was over a year ago so a health worrier like myself could start to worry again. strange getting old. i have never been one to particularly care about my appearance so in that respect i don't mind lines or grey hairs etc although they do make you think about your mortality. actually, i feel better physically now mid 40's than i ever did in my 20's or 30's. i was quite a druggy in my youth and lived quite a colourful life, the last two years however i go to the gym 3/4 times a week, do weights (just to annoy dh, he calls me sarah connor as i have big muscles in my arms). hope you have a nice weekend, the weather is truly glorious. x

Kelway - the hrt stablised af and sweats, apart from that I didn't notice any life changing benefits, sadly. lol.

You sound pretty comfortable with yourself, so if isn't broken don't fix it as they say.

Have a lovely weekend. I'm off to a wedding reception this evening. Speak soon.

So, terse is unacceptable, but sarcasm and personal abuse are all right?

Sounds like you are feeling better anyway, Kelway, which is good. I agree that it is sad to realise that you can't have something you wanted, and that life is limited but it is the same for all of us.

EW- what's your problem?

It's not the same for all of us- some people do get mostly what they want out of life- maybe life has dealt you a poor hand and that is why you are bitter and unhelpful?

Sorry Kelway that you wanted a 2nd child and it didn't happen. Fertility does plunge after age 38/39 so that is why you would have had problems.

I went through the menopause at 53 and felt fine about it though I felt slightly depressed in my late 40s and my cycles started to go a bit odd at times and realised it was a slippery slope.

I thought I would feel sad when it happened but I didn't actually. But I did have 2 children and that was enough.

I hope you come to terms with it- I am sure there are lots of books about how you are feeling so it might help to read about other people's experiences and feelings.

Purple - I don't have a problem, I have a point of view, which I think it helpful to express, even if you don't want to engage with it.

I disagree with your premise that some people get mostly what they want and that this is just their good fortune. On the contrary, I think that happiness and contentment are a state of mind. Happy people are usually those who make the most of the hand they have been dealt in life.

Always look on the bright side of life! sang Monty Python. Far from being bitter, I am advocating just that. Accept what you cannot change, change what you cannot accept and have the wisdom to know the difference.

There are of course circumstances that would make any one sad, such as being thrown into jail and suffering inhuman and degrading treatment. It is the triumph of the human spirit that some people can still cling on to hope in such conditions - eg the Russian poet Irina Ratushinskaya in her book Grey is the Colour of Hope, which she wrote after incarceration by the Soviet authorities for the crime of writing poetry.

EW - Dear oh dear. I don't understand why you are having a go. It is totally uncalled for. The OP came on here for support. If you haven't got anything positive to say then why don't you just leave it!!!

Don't know what your problem is. Perhaps you should start a thread of your own.

Monty - what is it that I have said that you disagree with?

EW - without going into specifics, you are on the attack. Picking a fight with an OP who came on here genuinely low and asking for support. You are not helpful at all, you are being totally unnecessary. I find your tone rather aggressive as well, and no, you are not being helpful by expressing your views. Nobody's saying you're not entitled to them, but it's pretty pointless expressing them here. I don't think anyone's that interested in your views on this thread.

No I beg to differ EW - you have a problem in that you responded to a cry for help with an unpleasant reply.

Why are you on a meno forum if you have nothing useful to contribute except a metaphorical wrist-slap and a "pull yourself together" attitude.?

You showed not a jot of sympathy- you just gave a crass reply along the lines of "Count your blessings and stop moaning", but more aggressive than that.

I suspect you are trying to impress by quoting some obscure Russian poet. Well, we could all do that. Montaigne, the French writer, said reflect on everything but regret nothing. Maybe you should reflect on your unpleasant replies and think about the effect it had on the OP.

Maybe you should also start another thread on philosophy if you want to tell everyone how to be happy.

I'm 46,and have some of the things you mention,although I feel like I'm ovulating some cycles and my periods are regular,although less regular than they were.It's hard to come to terms with the end of your fertility too,I have two dcs and I was lucky as I got pregnant very easily,but I am still feeling sad and strange at the signs that things are really changing.Have you had your hormone levels checked? Mine were normal but my FSH was pretty high,so peri-menopausal.I was precribed natural progesterone cream by the doctor I saw,very low dose but it did help that horrible anxious anticipation feeling.Try accupuncture too,as it is good for hormonal issues and you never know,you might just conceive a late baby,you could still be ovulating on some cycles .Even if you don't conceive it might put you back on track a bit and help with your emotional state.I'd always thought of menopause as something so far in the future,I've been busy having my babies in my 40s and I thought I would be at least 50 before i had to think about it,but now it seems looming and I feel really upset about it.I do empathise with you.My friend has hit her menopause proper at 46 and is on HRT.I would go to your GP,get your hormones checked (FSH,Oestrogen,Progesterone,Thyroid) and then going by the results,have some accupuncture and see if you do need some extra hormone supplementation.Good luck.

I have two grown up children and three grandchildren and do not want or need a child but I was really sad when I realised the menopause had set it.
So I do sympathise with OP, the menopause is a hard time emotionally and knocks your self esteem and to have unfulfilled dreams must be so hard.

As for HRT, I tried everything natural, sage, anti flush pills, every thing, read Jenni Murray and Germaine Greer, tried to celebrate, took up meditation and journalling, because that is important to me and I was a sad, miserable irritable old cow.

So now I'm on HRT and I LOVE it, I feel like myself, I look like myself, I can stand being around other people, I love my life.

I was away last week and forgot my HRT and was a horrid person again,

Now I'm not saying i's for everyone and not extrapolating that everyone should try it.
So back to my point, You are sad and that's ok, but do be kind to yourslf and enjoy your lovely child.

Blessings