Do you really stop giving a f**k during peri/menopause?

[Melrobbinswannabe]

As per my title. I’m 45, and sick of living my life caring about what people think of me. I was a HUGE people pleaser, and have done some work on that but I still feel I let people hold some weird power over me, and care about what they think about me sooo much. I hate it.
I’ve read about women hitting a certain age, and poof, wake up and they DGAF.
Has this been true for anyone at all? I know I need to put work into it, but I’d so love to wake up one day and it’s happened overnight.
Or, any tips on how to stop caring about the opinions of others? I’ve been how I am since childhood, so it’s a lot to unlearn.
Thanks

Yep. My field of fucks is as barren as I am.

I was never a people pleaser, but I care even less now 🤣

No, but you do run out of energy and the will to pretend any more.

It’s really hard because it goes against your natural (pushover) instincts but now I’m of the thinking “why should I set myself on fire to keep someone else warm?” If I don’t want to do something nowadays I don’t. Those who matter don’t mind, those who do…well, they just prove my point.

I hate who I am now, moody, cranky, say what I think, less helpful as am exhausted. I don’t get why people think not giving a f**ck is a good thing, I miss old me

I definitely have both. I’m really assertive in lots of areas unlike before, other times I can worry and overthink.

I think it’s just aging and growing in confidence, men get it too

I don’t know…. I’ve felt confident my whole life and not given a fuck what people thought of me or if they liked me. Now menopause kicks in and along with it I have anxiety and sudden paranoia that people think I’m shit in my job etc. it’s a horrible feeling

I didn't

Tbh I didn't like the not giving a fuck phase. It was joyless and I started to become the kind of miserable grumpy bastard I've always thought of as being a terrific bore. Now I'm on the other side of it I care about people again, thank Christ, but I'm more confident than I was beforehand. It would have been nice to have got to where I am now without tipping over into quasi-misanthropy.

Total opposite...as someone upthread said I am absolutely paralysed by all these fucks I give l

I suppose I’ve never been a people pleaser ever per se so a hard for me to say if peri really had much of an impact.

Rather I think as I’ve become older I’m even more comfortable and confident in myself.

I think to a degree many people just reach a point in life where they realise always putting others first can just leave you feeling pretty hollow.

I ration my goodwill and efforts now for people I truly love/like and for things that bring me pleasure far more than I used to.

The other aspect if I’m honest (in a work context) is I know I’m bloody good at my job through decades of experience and am fortunate enough to be at a point where I could jack it in tomorrow financially at 50 years old so I am noticeably less tolerant of any executive level bullshit then I used to be.

Tbh I love being the age I am and wouldn’t turn back the clock if you paid me.

I have a people-pleasing friend who is 60 and she hasn’t really changed. I could shake her sometimes. She defaults to bending over backwards for other people all the time even if it’s at the detriment of herself. She really is a doormat. I think she is a little more discerning than she used to be, but I think that’s more to do with capacity rather than growing a backbone.

So I think if you are an ingrained people pleaser it may not be the magic transformation you think. It hasn’t happened to me either but that’s because I never gave a fuck in the first place. All women young and old should work on their self esteem. They should teach it in schools.

I think I care less about what people think, but I don't think it's linked to menopause, more just maturity and age. I don't think there is a hormonal element to me having learnt not to sweat the small stuff, set my boundaries etc, I just think I've lived stuff (good and bad) and have learnt from it.
e.g. I vowed not to become so invested in supporting a family member with dementia having done so with a different family member. Nothing to do with my hormones, just recognising that I have other, more important priorities.

I'm 52 and the past 5 years has been a revelation for me.

I was brought up to be a people pleaser and taught that my only value came from what i could offer other people.

I am very different now. And I feel absolutely better for it. I'm a very polite person, and I don't hurt or upset people deliberately, but my boundaries are much clearer now and i am happy to assert them.

(This is to the horror of my mother who still seems to believe that making others into her sacrifical lambs- is the key to some sort of control and power. )

I don't know if it's the menopause that makes you care less about what others think,or whether it's just getting older and being more confident in yourself. I started becoming more confident from my early 40s,quite a few years before I'd started the menopause.

I still care about lots of things and people. My ideals and values are intact.
I do however have no time and energy for other people's bullshit. I don't want to get involved with people who create drama. I know it isn't my job to placate , please , mediate .
I have wasted years on aspects of the above.
I am.not sure if the not giving a f is all due to perimenopause/ menopause in a strictly biological sense. Lets face it by the time we all hit that as women we will have been through alot. Years of living as females, relationships, having children or no children ( through choice or otherwise ), managing in the world of work, older parents, health challenges and bereavements potentially. And thats just scratching the surface of what life is going to have thrown at us by the time we get to peri.
Perhaps it is less about not giving a f and more about an experienced view of what is worth giving a f* about.

It was a gradual thing, it must be a getting older benefit to realise that you can't please everyone (or anyone, a lot of the time) so you might as well just please yourself, and let others deal with it. And not be remotely bothered if others agree with you.
So many threads on MN about not feeling able to say no to invitations because xyz will be "upset". Or saying no to CF's trying to take advantage of your kind nature. Worrying about what some person of really no consequence will think of you. It's very liberating.

No not really tbh. I've become possibly more assertive but I always was fairly good at saying no. I've become exhausted when I do anything which I find really upsetting as I still love going out etc but do need to pace myself and find that very frustrating

Yes. The older I get the fewer fucks I have to give. It definitely started mid 40s as peri menopause kicked in. Breathe, relax, you’ll be ok.

Not for me. I envy those who say this has happened to them. I’m 57 and still waiting…

It’s wonderful. I don’t care if people think I’m boring if I don’t go to nights out etc and rather than worry and create scenarios in my head if someone is off with me, I ask them what’s wrong. I was such an introverted people pleaser as a young woman and now in my 50s I really have stopped giving other people valuable space in my head. I like to think I’m still a nice and mainly kind person but I put myself first now.

I find it swings from not giving a shit through to crippling anxiety. Although I’m 6 months off being in full menopause, I still feel like my body goes through a cycle each month and I have period of not giving a shit, periods of anxiety, periods of feeling knackered and needing to sleep constantly and periods of staying up til 1am and waking up at 6.
It’s like a whole box of chocolates, you never know what’s coming next!

I've never been one to care about other people's opinions or what they thought of me. I live in a very judgemental town but I really don't care any more.

I slob around at home in trackie bottoms and sweatshirts because nobody sees me. I will put on a decent coat or jacket if I go out but can't be arsed with skincare, make up or nails. I'm always told I look young for my age so don't see the need to bother with all that faff. I stopped wearing contact lenses after 40 years because they just weren't comfortable any more and have reverted to glasses.

I'm happy, so in my world, that's all that matters.

Yes, this 100% but I don’t know why we have to get this age to experience it