Do you really stop giving a f**k during peri/menopause?

[Melrobbinswannabe]

As per my title. I’m 45, and sick of living my life caring about what people think of me. I was a HUGE people pleaser, and have done some work on that but I still feel I let people hold some weird power over me, and care about what they think about me sooo much. I hate it.
I’ve read about women hitting a certain age, and poof, wake up and they DGAF.
Has this been true for anyone at all? I know I need to put work into it, but I’d so love to wake up one day and it’s happened overnight.
Or, any tips on how to stop caring about the opinions of others? I’ve been how I am since childhood, so it’s a lot to unlearn.
Thanks

Not my experience at all. I worry more. I wouldn't say it's anxiety though.

I'm just. So. Tired. To have a dgaf attitude. Imo that requires energy and I don't have any!

I'm really surprised you didn't say FUCK OFF

😂

Not in my experience, I just feel even shitter about myself and worry what others are thinking of how I've 'let myself go' due to menopausal health issues

It didn’t happen overnight. Just gradually over time I started sticking to boundaries, saying no, and giving less and less of a shit. It’s bloody great!

How do you put in and stick to boundaries? How do you teach yourself when your heart is racing and it goes against everything you’ve ever done?

Some of us even have both

Yes, I definitely give much less of a fuck than I used to, except at work where I continue to be an anxious perfectionist, but I'm working on that (planning a new direction). The process was helped along by lots of people completely failing to make any effort for my 50th three years ago, including those to whom I'd given much of my time, support and patience over many years. That was quite the lightbulb moment.

Yes. And I was 30 so bonus years of not caring

IDGAF if you don't like how I am now stay away😃

I think I have both. I'm much less worried about random people's thoughts about me and my choices, my appearence etc. I wouldn't be able to mould myself to fit in with a romantic partner now - they would have to take me as they found me. But I do worry more about the big things and whether I've done them right. Like parenting - did I do enough to equip these young adults for the world? And if I think I've upset someone I can ruminate for days.

I'm not sure I was ever that fussed about what other people thought really. I think the "fewer fucks" thing can be good and bad. It can be good when you stop worrying about what randoms think of you but it can be damaging if you stop caring a lot about what those you are in close relationships with. I was about 11 when my mum when though the menopause and I remember her telling me she was done with dealing me that she'd keep me fed and houses but not to burden her with my worries and drama because she no longer had the capacity for it. That was tough really and quite different to how she was with my older siblings in their teens.

I also suspect some of the fewer fucks mentality comes from just loss of drive (dwindling hormones) and excitement about life, you can't be bothered about a lot of things anymore, you just want to take care of yourself, have your own space that other people don't mess up. Thats not bad in itself but it also that desire to hunker down can be part of a general slowing down and a sign of decline.

I think the ideal is to gain that perspective and sense of self without losing your passion for life and even for your relationships.

In what way?

I honestly don’t know if I can answer that because of peri/menopause IDGAF because in my late 30s something happened that largely taught me not to GAF and I’m very later 40s and I really DGAF now. I still really care about people and can be as empathetic as the next person but I have zero tolerance for objectively shitty behaviour from others. They have to sort out their own behavioural issues and if they are not grown up enough to do that yet well then they have to sort that out first. I was conditioned growing up to think that other people’s shitty behaviour was down to something I did wrong but what I learned was other people’s shitty behaviour was down to other people’s own issues. It was an absolute game changer.

No, personally I think many women use the menopause as an excuse to be grumpy and rude.

I agree that is not acceptable to use menopause to excuse shitty behaviour.

I think it’s age more than menopause for me, but I can confirm I’m now 52 and since I turned 50 I absolutely DGAF

Yes!

Several things helped me. 1) I spent most of my first marriage pleasing someone else and prancing on eggshells. I suspect my store of Fucks was very depleted by this 2) I met a female platonic friend who gives absolutely no fucks to a degree that's detrimental to her, but that showed me some useful techniques 3) therapy, which taught me about avoidance and people pleasing and helped me be objective about what I was doing and therefore made it easier to change and 4) moving from a big career to a small job to retirement so giving no fucks is less risky. So it's complicated.

Way to go!!
💪🏼

I stopped caring at 32. 20+ years now of not giving a crap about many things, only the important ones.

It doesn't mean I'm rude. It means I save my energy to care about important things and not being a doormat.

Fucking glorious.

This happened to me when I turned 40. It was Kevin turning into a teenager, it happened overnight.
I was hoping something similar would happen when I turned 50, but I’m still waiting…

Perimenopause is an unpredictable bugger. You will start to feel the freedom of caring less but then some days you may care MORE. Sometimes things bothered me in perimenopause that had never bothered me before. There can be some weird anxious moods which might just be due to disrupted sleep, but they can last a while.
But, once you are out the other side of it all, you really are done with all life’s nonsense. No time for it anymore. Everyone can just get a grip and pull themselves together because I am not doing it for them.

I’ve lost around 85% of fucks previously given. I still have work to do as I question myself a lot instead. It’s liberating and tbh was when I really realised how much we are wired for survival to people please by our hormones. The way I feel now, 6 years into menopause is very different.

Reformed people pleaser. Dumped one piss taker and refusing to fall into a trap being set by another. Do one

Yes! Told DH I was now basically a man in a woman’s body 🤣. He’s running scared. Tables have turned. And I have post meno HRT from my fab female Gp who says she has ladies in their 80’s on it . Years earlier male gp wouldn’t prescribe it.