Lost interest in family life: solutions

[BansheeofInisherin]

I am 51 and in peri-menopause. The biggest change for me is that I have completely lost interest in parenting and domesticity. DC are teen and YA, but still need guidance as they went a bit awry in the pandemic. I have lost interest though; my nurturing instinct has burnt out after years of mostly solo parenting. I want to go out on my own and with friends, but have lost interest in the family, and am mostly irritated by them. Anyone else?

I am considering HRT but I have some surgery scheduled in June, and want to tackle one thing at a time. Would it help this though?

Exactly the same here. I couldn't give a shit about any of it any more. I'm completely over all the domesticity, sorting out other people's inane shit, deciding on their meals, appearing entranced by their conversation and all the rest of it.

I feel for you. DD also has some MH issues, though they have improved now. But still lots of difficult days. Nevertheless, I am trying to distance myself a bit as I am burnt out on nurturing.

I'm feeling a bit like tgis myself. I'm so bored of thinking about what food we need, buying food, thinking about what food to cook, cooking food then washing up. It's so boring. It's like ground hog day.

I totally get you OP! I was an extremely nurturing and present mother until my children were in their late teens and early 20s. Then I felt burnt out, and on top of that I was caring for a parent with dementia, working very hard and running the house. Then lockdown, which was the last straw for me when I told myself that as soon as life got back to 'normal' I would have to change things. I couldn't go on. I became really detached from the relentlessness of it all.

I guess there is no harm trying HRT and other health related measure like changing your diet, exercise, sleeping etc. BUT. The fact is that this time in our lives and this point in history is pretty shit for a lot of women.

Although women in the 1950s,60s and 70s were expected to stay at home and devote themselves to their family they weren't actually expected to parent so intensely as we do now on top of working outside the home. Added to that, young people tended to leave home much younger, our responsibilities kind of ended at 18 and women could look forward to some easing of the burden. Not any more.

I just read an amazing book called Real Self Care by Pooja Lakshmin which is about exactly this. We look to ourselves, to our health or we consume wellness solutions, as if it's something in us that needs fixing. I guess there is nothing wrong with that but the fact is that most of us are exhausted and have had enough by the time we get to our 50s/60s. In this book she says this is not burnout but betrayal. We just carry too much and it's not our fault.

I think your detachment is your mind and body forcing you to step back and reassess how you want the rest of your life to be. By all means make sure it's not a health or mental health issue but at the same time see what you can do to take control of your life so that you have far fewer responsibilities. You have done your time!

On top of everything DH is diabetic, so I also need to ensure that meals are low carb, which is very hard as we are Asian. Sometimes I just can't be bothered. Today he asked if I could make some low carb dinners, after I made a delicious vegetable pulao, and I swear to god I almost threw my plate at him. Grrr... I am just getting some salads from Co Op for his highness. ( Disclaimer: he works very long hours and I work part time, so dinner is my job).

I think Tim Burton and Helena BC had the right idea living separately.

Same here, a daughter with MH issues (quite frankly since age 7 with period of school refusal she had not been easy and is still up and down). I am a single parent with a hopeless exH who contributes naff all to the two young adults I have raised.

Yesterday said hopeless ex decided (have been divorced ten yrs and he lives a mile away in his own flat, pretty much only sees the dc a few times a yr) to turn up unannounced yesterday (youngest turned 18 - hooray and go me) to give b’day gift and chat inane shite and expected a cuppa (dd made).

after he left I wrote a WhatsApp basically telling him to eff off and not darken my door again.

youngest dd is currently sat with me on the sofa telling me about social media and geography homework. All I can think is ‘fuck off’.

im a burned out, husk of a mother. I neeeeeed my youngest to go off to uni… just to get some peace.

Yep all this resonates.
I can't be arsed with domestic shite. Shopping, cooking, work.. boring!!

I just want to procrastinate on my own, eat crap and do no housework ever again!

Urgh

I’m 40 but feel like this. I’ve got two children with Sen and work 4 days a week and I’m shattered. My DH does chip in but not nearly as much as I do and I think he’s also a bit less invested. I think women are expected to do and be everything and when kids come along it’s usually the woman’s life that changes massively and she ends up carrying more of the load.

Thank you mumsnetters, I thought I was going to have a break down but you have all made me feel ok about this wierd change in my thinking.
I can't be arsed with anyone or anything. Fed up with DS behavior after 4 years of it but all of a sudden I don't care.
I just want to say it as it is....fuck off and leave me alone.
Bad thing is at work I am having to bite my tongue as all I want to do is call all the stupid mind games out and tell them to grow up.
I can't bear all the crap people, children, colleagues and family pile on top of us and we have to suck it up. Not anymore, I want to tell them all what I think.
It's a struggle keeping it in and I'm angry. I just want to be left alone or go out like you OP.
DH is great though.
Thank you all for sharing, this is great x

I don't think I have hit peri menopause yet, but my DC are 18 and 16 and I recognise so much of this feeling! I love them unconditionally but that doesn't mean I want to actually do anything for them 🤣

Although women in the 1950s,60s and 70s were expected to stay at home and devote themselves to their family they weren't actually expected to parent so intensely as we do

I think this whole parenting style warrants reexamination because there seems to be fuck all evidence that being your child’s best friend, confidante and cheerleader is creating resilient, successful adults. It’s just a lot of effort for no obvious payback. I also think it actually interferes with the natural process of dc shifting away from their parents being their primary bond ( as should be when they’re little kids) to peers increasingly fulfilling that role.

Also agree with pp about MN normalising co-dependency. Honestly, we need to avoid that stuff. They should be making friends and talking to them about their toxic bf for 5 hours over many bottles of wine. Other YA find that stuff interesting. I remember one night sitting on the roof of our building with my bff drinking SB and literally going “ so I said hey and then he said hey you, so what do you think, does he like me or more than like me?”. My mum would have just stared at me like I was deranged, and quite rightly.

Totally agree with all that's been said. Mine are 15 and 18 and are their own people now.

I think there is the danger of becoming TOO involved in the lives and parenting of kids.

I love mine unconditionally also and always will. But we are on different paths now. I'm in the throes of a god awful shire menopause, where it's an effort to walk up the stairs. DD is off to university later in the year and DS is carving his own life out and finding his way with his ' lad mates'.

shit menopause

I kind of feel like we need our own section on MN - we've had a recent thread which will really resonate with you OP and the most common response on that was 'oh thank god it's not just me who feels this way'.

I love @CrapBucket 's phrase "I love them unconditionally but that doesn't mean I want to actually do anything for them" - putting it perfectly.

I am DESPERATE to plan some solo travel once ds has gone to uni this September, but feel like I can't as it would be very unkind to tell DH he can't come because I frankly can't be arsed with the immense hassle that is involved in travelling with someone in a wheelchair. Also not very nice to say 'sorry about the empty nest, let me make it even emptier [temporarily]'. But I am just so sick of absolutely everything.

I have 100% felt this today. Youngest is 8 and I only have him (and his 16 yo brother) every other week.

Burnout here. Thankyou. I now realise this is what I feel. Endless days of sorting other people out. House a tip & not even very clean. No one else seems bothered in the house

Op I have just had surgery for those things and had mirena coil in at same time/life changing!! I have also just separated from dh and am so enjoying weeks I don’t have dc. I love the weeks I do have them as well.

Oh thanks for finding my thread @tribpot

I did want to look for it but the effort was too much

Thing is, we dont need hrt as an answer to all this. We dont need reasons or explanations of why we just cant be arsed anymore. We've done enough.

Absolutely agree with illiterate this Uber enmeshed parenting is bad for them and us. You just can’t keep up that level of support for 21 years you burn out. And they need to learn to do life for themselves.

Totally agree with this.
It's perfectly normal.
I'm done with other people and their crap everywhere, that's why DC grow up and get their own home.

Bollocks to it!

I'm in the throes of a god awful shire

I love this. I’m in the middle of Godawfulshire, as I get older I can’t stand the people and all they do is annoy me. I stomp around shouting out a bastardised version of that crazy film: “Everyone, everywhere, fuck off all at once.”

Yes, it makes me happy.

Also struggling with the start of this and it feels like such a change for me. It might be circumstances, as my dp leaves most stuff to me (I work part time so fair in some ways, but im starting to find the domestic stuff such repetitive drudgery), dc are still young (I had them late 30s/ 40), and i help care for elderly dm too, no family support. But I'm 46 and worried it's perimenopause and this is it!

Just feel burnt out and desperate for a holiday abroad with friends, but for various health/ financial/ life issues no one else can do it. Just feel desperate to live my life and have some excitement before it's too late!

Thing is, many of us can't even live our own lives for years and years when we have children. It's too much. Then we see the current trend of kids staying in the family home for even longer and feel dispair and anger.

Lot's of mothers become institutionalised in motherhood. They never find themselves again but barely realise what is happening. I find that terrifying.

Women need to show their anger more and refuse to continue serving others first.
Love this thread.

This is so true.

I have put my life second to my kids for 20 years, which is actually before they were born but I needed to stay in a certain job for maternity pay. Then I needed to keep that job so I could raise DC and support now ExH career and pay bills. Because it was 'flexible'... aka I could run myself ragged doing everything parenting related, because hey the laptop and WiFi mean I can catch up on work in the evening and night!

Of course covid lockdown stuff broke a lot of people. Including me and my DC in many ways. Now its time to go onwards and upwards into the final spring of 'home parenting' but fuck me I need them to move out/go to uni in the next few years.

They don't owe me anything, I chose to have them, but its also time for them to be independent. But the less pressure I put on them to become independent, the better it probably is for their mental health. Its like a wierd game of grandmothers footsteps.