Lost interest in family life: solutions

[BansheeofInisherin]

I am 51 and in peri-menopause. The biggest change for me is that I have completely lost interest in parenting and domesticity. DC are teen and YA, but still need guidance as they went a bit awry in the pandemic. I have lost interest though; my nurturing instinct has burnt out after years of mostly solo parenting. I want to go out on my own and with friends, but have lost interest in the family, and am mostly irritated by them. Anyone else?

I am considering HRT but I have some surgery scheduled in June, and want to tackle one thing at a time. Would it help this though?

Final sprint not final spring! Is autocorrect suggesting an uprising?...

I think the menopause should be renamed ‘The Giving Up of Fucks’. Because that’s what often happens, you find you just stop giving a fuck about things that you used to care about.

I think it’s natures way of telling you to grab at the life you want instead of putting everyone else first. Whether it’s a drop in the nurturing/caring hormone I don’t know. I just know putting every one else first is a mugs game.

@BansheeofInisherin Embrace the feeling and run with it. Take up skydiving, beekeeping, all day duvet days. Don’t feel guilty, let your kids see the person you probably were before you had them.

The menopause worked wonders for me. I finally found the bravery to instigate a divorce!!!

Yep all this resonates hugely.
The hardest thing, is listening to people at work, go on and on about nothing! Drives me bloody crazy!

It's not nothing to them, but when every other conversation is about their kids.. just piss off!!

But the less pressure I put on them to become independent, the better it probably is for their mental health

i’m not sure I necessarily agree with this. I often wonder if infantilising teens, as is increasingly common, contributes to poor mental health. Some kids are practically under house arrest and it must be bad for self- esteem.

This week I have tried 'grey rocking' DD a bit. I think she depends on me too much and won't help herself. Partly my fault, partly hers, partly the pandemic, partly her ( diagnosed) anxiety. She was not pleased and in fact, quite taken aback that I wasn't dying to discuss her term paper with her. But I just said ' I am sure it will be just fine' and left the room to take a bath.

Also this week I joined my workplace choir! I think I am happy- even eager- to socialise because no one there expects anything of me, other than staying vaguely in tune.

Whoever said ' Everything Everywhere Fuck off At Once' got it exactly right.
I think! Also yes I love my family members, and would even die for them, but I don;t want to cook for them any more. Or remind them to do stuff. Or listen to them moaning.

I should say I am working really hard at staying fit and healthy, too. Exercise daily, eat well, do not drink.

You are probably right, it just seems hard to turn the tide when society/school expects parents to be so heavily involved, you don't want to be the one that doesn't 'support' your child. eg going on uni open days...

Yeah - attitude to Uni aged “kids” has changed beyond all recognition. When I had my uni interviews I was 17. I got a train to London from my town on the south coast after school, crossed London on the underground, got another train. Got a taxi to the university. Stayed overnight on my own and had my interviews. Literally got handed a sheet of paper by the porter with times and locations on. Came back. All completely on my own. Didn’t have a phone. Had cash for my ticket and taxis. That was the norm - my dad did drive me to one interview but literally dropped me at the gates and went to see my Nan and picked me up later.

Then when my parents dropped me at Uni I probably called 3 times in a 10 week term. Again, normal. I was definitely not calling them every 10 seconds expecting them to sort out noisy neighbours or people using my shower gel. It wouldn’t even have occurred to me. Maybe wrote one letter a term to mates at home. Made new mates. Saw old mates in holidays. V much moved my life wholesale to my Uni town. People hardly ever went home at weekends.

I think a few things have changed

• fees, which parents are often underwriting so they feel like they have a stake and want to protect their investment. When I went the government paid fees. My dad gave me a living allowance and I worked my arse off every holiday for the rest.
• mobiles- you stay in touch a lot more because you can, not because you necessarily should. When I went to uni I could call my mum on a pay phone but she couldn’t really call me, unless an emergency when she’d call the college and they’d send a message.
• also mobiles plus SM and more remote lectures: students are less rooted in their uni town and more likely to keep a foot in both camps, returning home much more frequently. I think it makes it v easy not to settle properly or just avoid any slight problem/ tension.

but to be fair: private halls- seem a lot lot more problematic in every aspect than when the Unis all managed their own and laid down the law.

Anyway, this somewhat tangential but I do see this as a higher shift in parenting norms that never seems to really be talked about.

I do see this as a higher shift in parenting norms that never seems to really be talked about.

Totally agree with this. My mum did far less parenting, and also was a SAHM who didn't even do much house hold admin like booking travel or taking care of investments.

I am not suggesting a return to those traditional roles, but I do think she had less to juggle. My sister and I were left to get on with uni, careers, mental health issues, etc while I find that I have been somehow cornered into fixing everyone's problems. I need to step back.

Oh good/ oh god. I have a one year old and I’m daydreaming about solo travel already …(I’m 40…)

I found this thread as im feeling exactly like this and could have written your op myself OP. im late 40s with 2 teens and feeling very detached and uninterested in their lives like I once was.
I kind of feel awful for feeling this way, yesterday a friend asked if dc1 had applied to the uni they wish to attend and I had absolutely no idea as ive had no involvement or interest whatsoever and have just left them to it. tbh dc1 is very independent and does not want me there and involved the vast majority of the time anyway.
I feel ive changed so much and all maternal instinct has gone. my quite new relationship partner has a new grandchild he is gushing over and sends me photos and videos of said grandchild and I couldn't be less interested in viewing them if I tried! I feel like saying will you stop sending me boring baby pics im not interested.
I also crave time alone just to please myself and live my own life doing what I want to do, free from any responsibility. definitely 100% child free. im actually dreading grandchildren coming along as I feel il be so disinterested.
How are things now for you op 2 years on from your post?

You're not alone. The urge to disappear somewhere remote and keep tiny miniature donkeys is very strong. I've had a difficult year so am sure it's burn out and I'm also be over where I live which makes engaging with my family even harder as I am just so bored.... - but yes, it's a tricky age. No wonder we got accused of being disagreeable witches. I am feeling very disagreeable.

I could have written this! Standing in solidarity ✊️

I've just read an interesting article which said the hormone oxytocin dramatically drops during peri meno which can cause these feelings of detachment from our loved ones etc. was quite glad I came across the article as it made me understand the way im feeling and that im not just being a heartless cow!