Lost interest in family life: solutions

[BansheeofInisherin]

I am 51 and in peri-menopause. The biggest change for me is that I have completely lost interest in parenting and domesticity. DC are teen and YA, but still need guidance as they went a bit awry in the pandemic. I have lost interest though; my nurturing instinct has burnt out after years of mostly solo parenting. I want to go out on my own and with friends, but have lost interest in the family, and am mostly irritated by them. Anyone else?

I am considering HRT but I have some surgery scheduled in June, and want to tackle one thing at a time. Would it help this though?

You know what? I'd think about some counselling to talk this all through. Sounds as if you need some support to help yourself.

Why not go out with your friends?

Not sure HRT is going to change how you feel about your family etc.

OP i think it's a common theme.

I'm nearly three months into HRT and still have zero interest in cooking or cleaning which slowly disappeared over the last few years (but go through the lotions), and I want nothing to do at all apart from hide under the duvet and sleep. Couldn't care less about shopping, socialising, going on holiday. Any of it. I'm fed up of the effort it all requires. And I'm knackered all the time. (bloods all normal, no other reason that hormones I don't think).

I've just increased my oestrogen which might help I suppose.

But I see what you mean about having an op too, that's a lot to deal with all at once.

I'd go for the op first.

Hrt made a massive difference to me but took about 9 months to get the dose high enough. I'm still a bit like you wrote it your post but better at getting on with the practical stuff and proud of seeing my kids growing up.
It took me 2 years to get my arse into gear to get the HRT and that is two lost years of my life :( I really regret it but what's done is done.

I have felt like this for a couple of years now. HRT has at least given me the energy to get on with the boring stuff I have to do. But it's all so tedious. DS2(15) asked me why I wasn't interested in helping him make DS1(18) get out of the bathroom quicker. 'Um, because it's really, really boring'.

My only advice is go out and leave them to it more often. Step back and hope that they will step up. I have encountered resistance to this, obviously, but I tell myself I'm doing them a favour in the long run.

Thanks for the replies. I don't think I explained very well what I mean, on rereading. But @JamJarJane you have explained it perfectly. I just can't be bothered with domestic life.

BUT I have lots of energy for going out, travelling, exercising moderately , socialising like mad. And a fair bit for my work too.

I am going out 3 times this week with friends and on my own! Nobody objects to that, to be fair. It's just that for instance, DD will keep coming in and talking to me about her boyfriend or DS will keep moaning about his work experience, and I am like ' Leave me alone. Fuck off!' In the past, I would have been interested and tried to help. I tried therapy but it didn't work for me. I think the therapists didnt know enough about the way middle aged women just burn out. DH worked away for a while- no choice- so I had to parent solo for a bit.

I have told DH to step up more, though he works long hours in a stressful job.
Will look into HRT after my surgery.

It sounds like burnout to be honest.
Are you worried about this surgery?

Definitely burnout.

I second whether you are worried about the surgery. What's it for?

I'm not there myself OP (I'm a few years younger than you), but I've heard of this happening and I wonder if part of the solution is to embrace it, rather than trying to 'cure' it? By all means consider taking HRT if you're suffering in other ways. But maybe not to address this particular issue. After all, it sounds like you've been a great mum to your DC for many years - maybe it's ok to step back from that a little, and make the most of your newfound energy for stuff that's just for you (social life, work, exercising etc)? I've heard someone describe this as how the majority of dads always feel! - and that it doesn't stop most men having a good relationship with their children.

Here's an interesting article on the subject
amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2011/jan/22/menopause-mother-family-oestrogen

I think even with HRT menopausal women can experience a drop in intense concern for nurturing other people. Partly hormonal and partly weariness.

Perhaps Covid made it a more intense feeling. Some of my friends who are in their fifties have, like me, an intense desire to spend what might be the last of their peak years doing things that bring them joy. Seeing friends. Travelling. Gardening. Changing career or stepping up a level. Without always being responsible for everyone else’s feelings. One good friend likes going with her husband on business trips. She works from the hotel room and spends her lunch hour and evenings walking around foreign cities alone, just soaking it all in, happy in her own company.

My dc came home from uni this weekend after a break up and I was delighted when she went back. I'm alone in the house today for the first time in weeks for various reasons and it's bloody marvellous so I hear you op. I don't know about you but lockdown took every parenting skill I had and after that I ran out of puff.

I have found my people!

Not worried about the surgery. It's a hysterectomy for fibroids and adanomysis. I have been having horrific periods and looking forward to saying goodbye to them. I have little medical anxiety, anyway. DH will step up when I am recovering, certainly.

Perhaps Covid made it a more intense feeling. Some of my friends who are in their fifties have, like me, an intense desire to spend what might be the last of their peak years doing things that bring them joy. Seeing friends. Travelling. Gardening. Changing career or stepping up a level. Without always being responsible for everyone else’s feelings.

This is exactly how I feel. I am tired of being responsible for everyone else's feelings. yes, lockdown took all the skills I had. DD had a hard time in the pandemic and is still not over it, but I am weary of listening to her woes. DH had to take a pay cut, but what am I supposed to do about that?

Very conscious of passing time. ( I don't actually say 'Fuck off.' Just think it).

I am alone in the house too right now, which I very rarely am, because both DH and I WFH now. Enjoying it so much. I am eating junk and playing music loudly.

I feel exactly the same and do not know what the answer is. I used to be so caring and nurturing but now I couldn't care less. I'm really trying to continue making an effort with my teen daughter in particular but it's hard.

My goddaughter recently had her first baby and I literally couldn't give a shit whereas before I would have been rushing over to coo over the baby and offer support. It's worrying but also quite refreshing at the same time. I think I do have burnout too though.

It's burnout. I'm knackered, having spent years parenting, coupled with domestic life and working.

I work In a busy SEN school and when I get home, I'm done for. Partners asks about holidays and theatre etc and I'm like ' yep whatever'

They don't call it the change for nothing, I guess !

I love this, I think it all sounds very freeing xx yay for women with agency.

I often think that way too much codependency between mothers and children is normalised on here, so it's refreshing to see women encourage each other towards freedom from the shackles of children.

Children grow up and we must move on too.

This is why I slightly shudder at the “am I too old to have a baby” posts from women in their 40s. I really could not arsed now (48)

I am like this and I used to think it was a drop in oestrogen (ie the nurturing hormone) but actually - after being on HRT for a year now- I still feel the same so I’m not convinced that’s it. I think it’s a natural response to having to care for other people for so long and then your children get more independent and grow up a bit so they don’t need you as much. I regularly feel like I have some inner rebellion going on. It’s very strange.

I'm the same. 51, peri menopausal, been on HRT for 18 months and just cannot be arsed with general domescity. I'm fed up of being the go to person for everything. I've even been sitting on my home office late this week 'working' as I can't be bothered to face cooking dinner. I wish I lived on my own with my dog 🤣

This weekend I did a lot of uncharacteristic things. I usually cook brunch or lunch on Saturdays. Instead I just left a note telling everyone to get their own stuff. Spent the whole day out with friends at the theatre!

DS asked me where he could find his socks, and I was like 'Wherever you have put them'.

Dh started grumbling about this and that, and I just put in my headphones. He got the message.

It felt good! This week I am going out twice, hanging out with people who don't expect me to solve their problems.

Planning some solo trips away in summer.

Well done OP!
remember, you only have one life

Yes, I also think that it's somehow related to age. I still have a five year old at home. But I can already see ways in which I wont be so bothered anymore. Did consider having another but I just dont think that I've got enough nurturing hormones left. I really try for him but other than that - not bothered.

I definitely feel like this. Just don't want to be bothered any more. It's not helped by my two young adult DDs being less independent than many (ie not gone away to Uni, mental health issues etc) but I really wish I could stop having to support and nurture any more.

I really wish I could stop having to support and nurture any more.

You can. Try baby steps:)

Oh I am Banshee, but when one DD has serious mental health issues and doesn't even shower, brush her teeth or get out of bed much it's not so easy. But yes, I try.

Good for you OP!