Your mother’s menopause

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I often hear post menopausal women, such as my mother who is in her 70s, saying they barely noticed the menopause, whilst lots of the next generation (in their 40s and 50s) report big issues.

Obviously it’s becoming a less taboo and more talked about topic, is that all it is? My mother came of age in the 60s, is very liberal and not afraid to discuss issues but genuinely doesn’t seem to have anything to say re her experience, whereas I’m on HRT at 45 including testosterone (I have though had hormonal issues all my reproductive life).

Have you talked to your mother (or other older women) about their menopause and what did they say? How does it compare to your experience?

My mother said she had barely noticed hers. When it came to my turn, I didn't notice it either. Periods became erratic, slowed, then stopped. Nothing else at all.

As the story in my family goes, my great grandmother was 'done' with menopause at 25 and had few issues other than negative social remarks and my grandmother had menopausal issues starting in her early 30s, and ended up with a lot of medical issues - she was 55 when I was born, and she was already unable to walk unassisted at that point.

I was diagnosed with early menopause at 28, had practically every symptom in the book, 5 years later when I went in with NICE guidelines in hand desperate for help, it turned out my ovaries work fine - plenty of eggs, hormones were at normal levels - my body was just not using the hormones well possibly for the same reasons that I struggle to make Vitamin D and absorb certain nutrients well. With appropriate care, most of those problems are behind me. I wonder if this care had been available to my kin if things could have been different for them.

My mum says hers was fine although she suffered terribly with her periods for years before that, so maybe it was a relief. Having said that she does suffer with insomnia, brain fog and has become more indecisive and less confident since "the change". I don't think she sees the link although they're common side effects.

Same as Apple ... my DM said she had no symptoms and neither did I ... periods just stopped.

My mum had a breakdown at 43 after the deaths of both my nans and that segued into, or perhaps exacerbated her menopause.

Mood swings, depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, claustrophobia, panic attacks, suicidal ideation...such fun. I was 7 at the time and recall having to get a neighbour round one day when she was particularly bad as dad and I didn't have a clue how to deal with her. Also a period where she couldn't leave the house and friends mum's would give me lifts to and from school. She's 82 now and claims not to recall any of it.

She did go on HRT though and I guess it must've helped as she pulled through it eventually.

I suppose in a way my experience has been similar. My dad had an horrific accident early in 2019 when I was 43 and I became his carer at the outset of Covid until he passed away 6 months ago. It's only since then that I've realised a lot of the mental and physical health issues I've been putting down to stress are perimenopause.

I was hoping to deal with it naturally for as long as possible but I feel like crap most of the time so planning to see the GP in the next week or two to discuss HRT.

The posts here from the non-sufferers are actually at odds with how it is.

I'd say that 75% of posts here are from women with no symptoms ever. That's a real bias where those posting want to say they are fine.

Even the NHS which is notoriously slow to update its website or respond to research, says that 80% of women have additional symptoms

NHS menopause stats

My mum is now 70 and has tinnitus, huge anxiety, hot flushes, chronic insomnia and other issues she doesn't see connected to falling oestrogen.

They all began around the same time 25 years ago.

I've started HRT late 40's to avoid the same thing building up out of my collection of peri symptoms.

My mum was terrible during hers.
Moody, sulken, depressed, anxious, brain fog for about 10 years.
Mines started down the same path.

I remember my mum going through it at about 53, although she didn't discuss it. I had terrible periods past that age, for a few years - flooding, periods for a fortnight at a time, severe Anaemia, endless hospital examinations and tests. It all stopped when I was 59 1/2

My mum is mid 70s, was peri-menopausal from early 40s. She had a horrendous time, much worse than I am experiencing. I'm 50, and also started experiencing symptoms much later.

My mother and her mother, both menopausal by 47. I am rapidly approaching that, and well into peri I think. My mother would have said she sailed through too - that's not how I remember it! She was vile for ages, then suddenly better for a couple of years. Ongoing bladder issues and disturbed sleep that she didn't associate with it, my gran the same. Both started to shrink not long after. I cling to my HRT in desperate hope, even if it does give me vile periods like in my 20s!

I suspect women in the past did not have the knowledge of menopause symptoms or the luxury of time to even question how they felt. My grandmother lived a life of hard work and poverty so I doubt she'd have stopped to think.
My mother tells me her periods just stopped and her only symptom was hot flushes and I have been fairly similar.
While many women need and should get HRT, the modern information on menopause is, in my opinion, encouraging some women to see problems and take HRT at a far lower threshold than ever before.

My late DM never mentioned her menopause, she was born in the 1920’s and didn’t talk about those things.

I do know, however that both my self and a sibling were conceived long after her periods had stopped. The GP was just as surprised as she was.

I am now in my seventies.I had menopause at 53.Yes I had hot flushes but the worst ones were those with two legs two arms and a head as was having bad family problems as well.That type were far worse.

I have a feeling that until relatively recently, women just didn't talk about 'women's problems' and bore them with a sort of resigned martyrdom. Or, if they were asked a direct question, minimised it all as they didn't want to make a fuss. My late DM was terrible for talking about personal stuff. I could hardly ever get her to talk about things like this. The only thing I know is that she had a premature menopause and she only told me that because I kept on asking why I was an only child, and why didn't I have any brothers or sisters.

My dh and his siblings were taken aside by their dad asking them to be very considerate of their mom as she was going through the menopause. This was in the late 70s. They took it on board!!
A few women l know were getting valium prescriptions from their doctors at that time because of anxiety/ moods etc so instead of HRT that's how they survived. That was common l think.
My dm was totally blasé about childbirth( multiple children) / periods/ menopause..none of them were a big deal according to her!!

My mum used to claim she ‘never went through the change’ by which she meant she had a total hysterectomy in her early 40s. Certainly she never complained of any symptoms though had suffered horrendous PMS prior to that. Older female relatives were of the generation that would have found it not quite ‘decent’ to talk about such things. So, I had no idea what to expect or when. I had my last period at 51 and before that I had a range of symptoms, some of them more odd than unpleasant (er, suddenly not needing to shave my legs anymore?!) I suspect one thing that has changed is that women know a lot more about their bodies and how to identify symptoms that our mothers may have just put down to ageing or something else.

I actually don't know about my mum's menopause. She was diagnosed with underactive thyroid when she was 40 or 41. Her periods had stopped because of that. She's 75 yrs old now. I moved out when I was 23, so wasn't aware of any menopausal symptoms. I am 46 and recently started HRT. Since then, I've learned my mum's been on HRT at some point but the Dr took her off it because of breast ache!! Seems crazy to me. No breast cancer in the family history to this day 🤞

She went into hospital for a planned bladder op (involving the mesh thats been in the news recently) and came out of the operation with no uterus... She doesn't know why to this day.. Not a big question asker my mother lol

Do you think we're more aware of our perimenopausal symptoms because we read about them on the Internet more now, than we would have 20+ years ago? We know what to look out for 🤔

My mother is 65. She maintains she sailed through the menopause with no issues and no need for HRT.

Except I was there when it happened and she went fucking insane!!!!

My Mum went through menopause in her early 40's. She was a demon. I was a teen, life was difficult. She assaulted me badly enough to need stitches in my head. She'd leave my Dads dinner on the doorstep if he was a bit late home. I look back and think she desperately needed help and how tough it must have been. She died at 60 so we never had that conversation.

I'm now 52 and going through menopause as a result of breast cancer treatment. For me it's been ok. However, I live with my 10 yo ASD child in a household that I work very hard to be peaceful for him so I'm not sure how I am in reality. I think it's ok apart from hot flushes. I am certainly not angry and violent in the way my mum was.

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

My mother is 65. She maintains she sailed through the menopause with no issues and no need for HRT.

Except I was there when it happened and she went fucking insane!!!!

My mum said the same. Utter bollocks, she turned into an abusive unreasonable nightmare. It's scarred me!

My mother ( born 1924) had a terrible menopause. Horrendously heavy periods, blood pouring down her legs onto the floor, migraines that made her crazy with pain. Her life was a misery for years, all through her late 40's and 50's.

I don't think the older generation had it easy at all . Maybe women of that generation didn't talk about it so much but I'm sure that if HRT had been available then , they would have been happy to get some relief.

@AndMatt

This is just a wild hypothesis, but could this be obesity/life style related like everything else?

Just anecdotally, most of my friends are very fit (because those are the circles I move in socially) in their early and mid 50s. Most report no menopause problems. My colleagues are much more sedentary and overweight and without exception, those of similar age are complaining about menopause.

Nope, I am super fit & slim and on patches because the menopause was messing with my mental health so badly.

My big sister claims she ‘sailed through’ but I remember and she didn’t. She was a vicious scary bitch for over a year and we all walked on eggshells!

It is like childbirth- easier for some than others and lifestyle choices may help but you may have terrible time regardless. Some women need a c section no matter how healthy and fit they are.

Agree with pp that it can’t have been at all easy for earlier generations of women to deal with the distressing symptoms and societal disapproval of any female body, let alone an ageing one!

I feel I’ve emerged out the other side of a storm emotionally, yet the physical side of things was just a bit annoying at times. I’m not the same person in many respects and it felt like a huge confrontation with every bit of unfinished business. Our mothers and grandmothers must have thought they were going mad at times, and then had to contend with a medical establishment that was content to label them mad!

A few of these posts really resonate with me. If you asked my DM, she'll mumble about a few hot flushes, when in fact depression, insomnia, rages, agoraphobia, near constant periods for a time. Always refused to even think about HRT because of the breast cancer scare back then.