Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Menopause

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Original poster

Husband of 30 years

55 replies

WillTurtle · 28/09/2018 22:08

I don’t recognise my wife after 30 years together and two fantastic late teenage boys. We have lived abroad, live in a nice neighbourhood back in the U.K. now and have a great circle of friends. But my wife’s anxiety over everything is almost unbearable and there is nothing I can say that does not come without a rebuff or comment. Separate beds tonight after another row ... I can’t do right for doing wrong. Any help gratefully received, I fear this might be the end of all that we have built, but there seems to be little that I can do now ... perhaps it’s me and I should just smell the coffee.

OP posts:
Judashascomeintosomemoney · 28/09/2018 22:12

You’ve given no detail whatsoever so no idea how anyone can help you and why have you posted this in Menopause?

Original poster
WillTurtle · 28/09/2018 22:24

By your response, you must be under 50, good luck when it comes, it might be a surprise.

OP posts:
thenightsky · 28/09/2018 22:30

You think her menopause is to blame? You might have been better posting in Relationships. Perhaps ask for your thread to be moved.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 28/09/2018 22:34

By your response, you must be under 50, good luck when it comes, it might be a surprise
Er, wrong and wrong but whatevs. Still haven’t explained what your op has to do with menopause or even detailed the actual issues. But on the plus side your response let’s your attitude shine through.

Stillnotready · 28/09/2018 22:41

I’m not going to kick you OP as I hope you have come here in good faith, but menopause hit me for six, All the things I’d accepted as being me: libido, energy, strength, patience just left without notice. HRT helped for a bit then I got breast cancer so that put paid to that, and now I am left with an achy, dessicated, libido-less fatter version of myself.
My dh and I plough on, but crap happens and most of the time we work at recalling the fact we like each other.

Original poster
WillTurtle · 28/09/2018 22:47

My Op ... ? Never mind, I guess this is why you should not look to the internet for any useful support, lesson learnt.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/09/2018 22:50

Gosh op why are you being rude to people?

Original poster
WillTurtle · 28/09/2018 22:53

Thanks stillnotready, at last some understanding, it’s really tough here, the journey is tough and the options few. How can it come to this after so much happiness ?

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 28/09/2018 22:58

Has she suffered anxiety before? Has she sort medical help? It would be nice if you could try and support her through this. Obviously it’s tricky for you, being on the receiving end, but maybe your support can help make the difference.

Stillnotready · 28/09/2018 23:01

You can still be happy, and when you married did you promise better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sicknesss and in health?

If you had been struck by some condition that affected everyday life, maybe diabetes or MS would you expect your wife to stick by you and work around this, or would expect her to sulk off and say it’s all about her?
It really is not all about poor you.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 28/09/2018 23:01

My Op ... ?
Yes, your Opening Post. But ok, I give up. Lesson learnt.

Stillnotready · 28/09/2018 23:02

Do you make sure she knows you like and love her?

starbrightlight · 28/09/2018 23:14

'Your OP' probably means 'your original post', WillTurtle, in which case the meaning of Judas's post is clear.

In reply to your response, we are not 'the internet', we are real people who have very little information to go on yet you dismiss our responses before they have even been formed. We were merely seeking more information on which to base a thoughtful answer.

From your opening post I surmise that your wife is suffering from anxiety. You react in a way your wife finds unhelpful so you feel rebuffed because she does not respond in the way you would like. This causes rows and you sleep apart.

In short, your wife is anxious. You don't seem able to respond to her in a supportive or loving way. You conclude there is little more you can do except end a 30 year long marriage.

To be honest you sound quite unpleasant. To be fair though, it's wake-up-call time. Time to stop smelling the coffee and start work on your capacity for empathy, compassion and kindness. In short, it's time to grow up.

Original poster
WillTurtle · 28/09/2018 23:21

Wow this is a learning and apologies for my naivety!
I love my family wife, she is the most beautiful person. We have the best boys you could wish for and yes they are an image of her not me. But her anxiety in recent months is becoming a destructive force, what was previously taken in her stride now becomes a huge concern ... as a loving husband, father and friend this is really difficult, mood swings, unreasonableness towards the boys who are old enough to notice and when everything you do is wrong it’s a tough place to be. Practical support would be welcome.

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 28/09/2018 23:22

Blumming heck. There's no need to be rude. The first poster was asking if you could give a bit more info on the (menopausal?) issues so we could help you.

If you are looking for information about how your wife may be feeling and what her anxiety is about, how you can help etc, then MN will help you figure out some ideas to talk to her about! We just need a bit more to go on.

Haireverywhere · 28/09/2018 23:24

X posted.

So what happens when you talk about this with her?

Annandale · 28/09/2018 23:27

Anxiety is terrible. My dh had a much more 'serious' mental health label but the anxiety was truly awful to live with for both of us.

Is she agoraphobic and not leaving the house, or is she in fact trying to get some kind of help?

The overall answer is that sometimes people change to a degree that you can't gsee a way to live with. I don't think that's a crime. But anxiety and menopause may havr st least some treatable elements.

Original poster
WillTurtle · 28/09/2018 23:28

Tears, lots of them, tonight it was the shambles of Brexit (please do not turn this political) just the fact that there is uncertainty and a lack of clarity...

OP posts:
Original poster
WillTurtle · 28/09/2018 23:31

A year back she would have walked through this without a concern, 15 years ago we went and lived abroad with young boys, all taken in her stride as an adventure.

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 28/09/2018 23:31

What emotional and practical support do you offer her?

What support does she have/ treatment is she taking part in to manage the anxiety?

Sarcelle · 28/09/2018 23:33

Practicalities. She is going through the menopause- presumably she has sought medical advice if her experience is a bad one? I have been lucky in my experience, practically symptom free, but friends and colleagues have had the most horrendous time and were eventually forced to seek medical assistance. This is not personal, nothing to do with you, a transition.

starbrightlight · 28/09/2018 23:36

Have you tried talking to her with kindness and compassion? In a way that lets her know you love and care for her and are not judging her?

What do you do to support her? For example, do you take her out and make her feel special like you used to make her feel? Do you help in the home? Do you suggest she might like time away doing something just for herself that she might enjoy, for example a walking / painting / spa weekend depending on her interests/ Do you make time to spend together doing things you both used to find fun?

You say you have a great circle of friends. It's easy to slip into a routine of spending the only spare time you've got with friends, which means you are not spending quality time with your partner just as a couple. That time together is important in any long term relationship. Time spent with friends can be fun but should not be at the expense of quality time together.

Are these close friends of your wife? Has she a close female friend she can talk to or confide in? Have you considered counselling? Is your wife thinking of visiting her GP for medical advice about her anxiety?

Just some things to think about.

Original poster
WillTurtle · 28/09/2018 23:39

Yes I tell her I love her, but no support sought as yet, I really do fear that if I suggested that it would receive a negative response at the moment. Her mother went onto HRT for a while - I have the best mother in law before anyone jumps on that - but has subsequently come off that for health reasons.

OP posts:
starbrightlight · 28/09/2018 23:43

Telling you love her is different from showing her you love her. And anyway, saying 'I love you' is about what you are feeling, not what she is feeling.

Have you asked her how she is feeling?

Original poster
WillTurtle · 28/09/2018 23:44

Thanks starbright, threads are crossing.

I have been trying, but there is little enthusiasm at the moment. Whenever we talk and have hugs there are tears. But my reassurances don’t seem to penetrate, then the unreasonableness follows and it all goes pear shaped.

OP posts: