Perimenopause and “ Sex Surge”

[SpiritedLondon]

Ok so I’m not sure if I shouldn’t have name changed for this. I have been married to my DH for 12 years but we have been sexless for about 6 of those years. I would say that we have moved into the “ friends zone “ but I have generally had a low libido over that time so have felt untroubled by this. During the last couple of months I have experienced some changes in my period ( closer together and shorter) and have had low moods and irritability which I guess indicate a move towards menopause. Another pretty terrifying symptom is the massive increase in my libido - almost uncontrollable. I’ve looked online and discovered a website which refers to this as a midlife sex surge. Has anyone else experienced anything like this and come through the other side? It sounds like a good problem to have ( in comparison to no libido) but I have nowhere to put these feelings and feel to desperate and scared that I’m going to do something life destroying. Any help would be appreciated.

OMeffingG! I have just read ALL these posts and have been ROFL my sex obsessed-head off 😂😂😂. I'm so glad I finally found some useful information and solidarity!!! I am 50 and have been feeling rampant for about a year, although it's definitely gotten worse. I'm a single mum, and wondered why I was having crushes on random school dads, actors, tradesmen, and watching tv sex shows avidly etc 😳.
My O's are so insanely intense and I've just had to invest in more continence bed protectors lol. Anyway I have an occasional (too occasional for my liking!) friends with benefits situation going on now, because of the rampant obsession and OMG it's insane. I feel like I'm in my 20's again, only without the angst and alcohol! The sex is unbelievable, I just thought we had some kind of unreal sexual compatibility and chemistry, but after reading all these hilarious posts, I realise it's just my own sex addled mind lol. 😄
I can now totally understand why men have affairs and how they really do have one track minds. It's helped me understand them a lot more that's for sure.
Well so glad to meet other crazed individuals. I had BC 2 years ago, and having gone through domestic violence, having autistic son, then having mastecomy and radiation, i am absolutely loving this distraction! Although I definitely get too distracted especially as I mostly work from home so can spend too many hours fantasising! All of your comments make soooo much sense to me THANK YOU!! 😍

So happy to find a community of moms/mums who are singing my tune! I am 53 and seriously in the throws of perimeno right now. My periods have always been irregular, and I have fibroids, so things have been especially hairy for the past year (needed to have IV iron I was getting that anemic) but that seems to have finally leveled off in the past month. But what hasn’t leveled off? You guessed it! My sex drive! Holy cow! I’m always telling my husband that I finally feel how he must have when we first met (he was 18, I was 20) and that I’m sorry I wasn’t more responsive. Jesus! You know how they always say men think about sex every 10 seconds or something? Now that’s me, and it has never been me. Almost 20 years of raising kids will do that to you. But even before that, I never enjoyed it as I do now. I feel like this is such an incredible bonus, to feel this sexy and this young, just when I could be feeling really awful (my mom died when she was my age now); I don’t know how long the “Surge” will last, but I am savoring every moment of it, even if it is incredibly distracting at work and it’s really hard to think about doing responsible boring things like helping my kids with school or college applications, or pretty much any of the mundane things a middle-aged working mom with teens has to do. Like some of you have mentioned, i am worried about blowing it all by getting into anything too experimental, like affairs or swinging. So instead, I am trying to put all this extra...err.. energy into self-pleasure, amazing sex with my DH (when he is “up” for it) and actually, other creative pursuits. I started writing at the beginning of the year as a hobby and I am totally obsessed with it. I would literally rather do it than ALMOST anything else. And it serves many uses, because I can create characters I can have totally passionate crushes on, and act out my fantasies with them in a 100% safe and guilt-free way. Also, I find that feeling sexy means I want to take better care of myself, so I am eating healthier, exercising more, and just being more of who I want to be. It’s really a win-win-win situation. When I was younger, I spent far too much time thinking about what other people thought of me, being afraid of being vulnerable, being afraid of intimacy (emotional and sexual) and now, the gloves are off. It’s just such a powerful time in my life. I wish you all, and all of our sisters who are out there In silence, the most creative, fabulous, energizing time of your lives. I have no idea how long these feelings will last, but I am not going to feel badly about it, one little bit. Enjoy!

I’m 39 and literally cannot control myself lately with all these lusty desires! In the last 3 years my sex drive has increased hugely. It was usually limited to mid-month around ovulation and straight after my period. But lately it’s consuming me. Sex makes up a large amount of my thoughts. I have crushes on sooo many men that I see on a regular basis. I try my best not to show it and really don’t want to act on anything..... but damn it’s hard! Luckily I’ve a husband who’s up for it pretty much all the time. It has really taken me by surprise because I always thought your 20s were the prime sex years. Turns out I was wrong. DH not complaining, but even he’s worn out sometimes from it all. I can make myself orgasm so easily.... don’t even need my husband. And my dreams sometimes... wow... women are not off limits either.

I’ll be 60 in a couple months and have suffered from these sex surges for several years now. I‘ve always run a little “hot,” but my husband, who is disabled, has had ED for quite a while. The need is physically uncomfortable. It borders on torture. Good to read that others out there are experiencing same because NO ONE talks about this. What to do? So frustrating.

@wRacked oh that would be so frustrating! Could u do other sexy stuff and use toys with your hubby instead? That way you still get to connect with each other and you get some relief!

Toys don’t really do it for me...but considering in light of all this. Hate for my sexuality, or whatever, to go to waste!

Yeh I’m not into toys either as totally satisfying without, but if I were in your position I would want to keep my sexuality alive, you’re only 60 (soon) after all! I get the torturous feelings. Maybe you can find a happy medium. Best of luck and keep us posted with how you go. X

I'm so glad to find this thread. I thought I was going insane, it even crossed my mind I had a brain tumour! I'm 47 and my sex drive has gone through the roof, since February I cannot get sex off my mind. I'm getting to the point where I could do something silly and ruin my happy life. My poor husband is exhausted and begged me just to let him read his book last night . Do I just go into another room and use a vibrator?! I had to wait for him to go to sleep the other night and then get it out. What is the etiquette for this kind of thing?! I'm 90% loving it but it's starting to interfere with my life, getting distracted and I'm a bit concerned that I could do something stupid. Any tips to keep some control?

So I'm 47 and I would say for the last 7 or 8 years sex just hasn't been interesting at all. My boyfriend n I have been together for over 19 yrs n we were having sex maybe once every 6 to 8 wks the last 6 to 8 yrs sometimes longer, I just wanted to go to sleep at the end of the day n not b bothered or touched, but about a month ago all the sudden I was looking at him like I did when we were younger n I wanna have sex all the time now. I can b washing the dishes n just wanna have sex or he could just put the car in gear n I would find it so sexy lol. I'm quite sure he's totally enjoying this lol but I'm afraid it'll end just as abruptly as it came!

@Jodie1981

I’m 39 and literally cannot control myself lately with all these lusty desires! In the last 3 years my sex drive has increased hugely. It was usually limited to mid-month around ovulation and straight after my period. But lately it’s consuming me. Sex makes up a large amount of my thoughts. I have crushes on sooo many men that I see on a regular basis. I try my best not to show it and really don’t want to act on anything..... but damn it’s hard! Luckily I’ve a husband who’s up for it pretty much all the time. It has really taken me by surprise because I always thought your 20s were the prime sex years. Turns out I was wrong. DH not complaining, but even he’s worn out sometimes from it all. I can make myself orgasm so easily.... don’t even need my husband. And my dreams sometimes... wow... women are not off limits either.

I realise this is a fairly old post and I haven't read through all the comments but I can relate to this so much! I am so glad to see all this. My period has been MIA for a few months now and, at age 40, I've wondered if it's peri menopause. But everything I've seen about symptoms lists loss of libido - mine has gone through the roof! Like this post, I would have happily had sex 2-3 times a month, usually related to ovulation and cycle. But at the moment, it's like ovulation day every single day!! I think about sex almost daily, I'm even looking at the other dads at school run thinking how hot some of them are (which makes me guilty because I'm perfectly happy in my marriage), but it's really quite overwhelming. We've been together over 20 years and sex over the last few months has been the best it's ever been. I would never have expected to experience this at this stage of life, but it's so reassuring to see I'm not alone (or crazy!).

Hi.. this is my first post here & I’m so glad I’ve read this thread!
I’m 46 and been on the pill mainly since I was 16. A few months ago I stopped taking it. I’ve not been bothered about sex for years, it’s been a major problem for me and my husband. However, the last couple of months, it’s all I can think about, and I want it so much! My husband is totally bemused by it and just doesn’t understand why it’s happening- all I can suggest is it’s my hormones? He turned me down over Christmas which I found really difficult (now I know how he’s felt for years)
I’ve never owned sex toys but thinking I may have to invest!?

I’m 46 and have had this problem for the last year or so. I say ‘problem’ because it is a problem when you have a husband who has a low sex drive and only have sex every 2-4 weeks.. 😩 I’ve always had a higher sex drive than him and it has caused issues over the 14 years that we have been together. But for periods of time my drive has dropped and it’s been much easier when we have been more in sync. Now I’m really struggling as I am constantly wanting sex and would ideally have it at least once a day but I am barely getting it at all. Our relationship is otherwise good but I am finding myself feeling resentful towards him. I can’t talk about how I’m feeling as I don’t want him to feel pressurised as that makes things worse and he will be less likely to be able to do it. I am struggling with other symptoms of peri menopause like irregular periods and mood swings, anxiety, tiredness, headaches to name but a few and am going to talk to the GP on Thursday about HRT. My concern is whether HRT will have any affect on my libido. I really do not want it to go any higher! I would love it to make it drop! I’m worried for my marriage as it’s making me scrutinise it and feel dissatisfied. I keep looking at other couples and thinking ‘I bet she has as much sex as she wants’. Stupid and unhelpful thoughts, I know! I just want these feelings to go away.

OP. We know you are the OP. Your posts show up in a different colour.

OMG I can totally relate to all of this thread. I'm 53, been with my husband for 23 years, 2 grown up kids. Sex was obviously great in the very beginning but then tailed off once the kids arrived to about once a week. 2 years ago I decided to go on HRT as I had debilitating depression and tiredness. I could honestly write a book about my escapades since then. Almost instantly my sex drive went through the roof - my husband was loving it but I still felt restless and dissatisfied and realized that I wanted to explore exactly who I was as I've always been a free spirit and had suppressed it over the years. I've alternated between hating myself for going behind my husband's back to feeling elated and free. I've been to dungeons, lesbian orgies, romped with toyboys and now I've had that reawakening I'm honestly not sure I can stop (or want to). In desperation I tried brooching my bisexuality and how he feels about clubs etc with my husband and, although he likes the idea of it, he said in reality he would struggle. So I don't even know what to do as it would destroy him to find out the truth. I'm so confused/elated/sad/ but I feel the most awake and sexual I have ever felt. Is anyone else in the same boat? It's like a huge crossroads and I have no idea where to turn!

As a PS to my post above, it's become very apparent to me from various platforms/gatherings that there are a whole lot of women in the same boat. I think some websites would go bust if it wasn't for us 😂🙄

You guys.... how long does this last??? I'm not complaining exactly... but sex is all I think about and I wasn't like this. My poor husband can't keep up!

@Jhaagens The manic, restless, gotta-have-it-24/7 stage lasted at least 6 months. Acquiring a fleet of vibrators helped A LOT. Most helpful was the Laya II by Fun Factory, shaped so I could just sit on it while driving the kids around, rather than looking for bumps to drive over. 😂Then a slow taper for 3 years, which happened to correspond with menopause. I can still turn on that switch, though, 3 1/2 years later, and the whole experience improved my husband's overall stamina. I know that sounds odd, but honestly, I don't think he was trying very hard before the surge hit, LOL. Hang in there!

I'm so glad Google led me to this thread. It feels like there's not much out there about this and I felt like such a crazy person!! You all have made me feel much less alone, much less crazy, and I have laughed and laughed reading your experiences. I have spent more on lingerie and sex toys in the past two weeks than our whole marriage. 😆

So I'm suffering in this arena. 40+ years old and in a 13 year relationship marriage and 2 kids (did not carry them). Ours sex life has been ok until kids 10 years ago (twins). I have been able to tolerate non sexual affection and sex that was only a few times a year. Until a month or so ago. She has said she doesn't have the interest anymore but says she's attracted to me...
What was accepted as status quo now feels like a catastrophic void. In desperation I reached back to a former flame and tried to have an online thing and it was too triggering to my anxiety and health issues.
Now I'm talking about feeling like a 17 year old boy with no outlet. Toys help some but I also struggle with the lack of connection I get from sex usually. It feels like double trouble. My spouse is not willing to have me explore outside relationships or partners to satisfy this. Im wondering if going on estrogen will help rebalance my mind and make me able to focus more. I haven't taken artificial hormones ever and I'm concerned about cancer risks. But if I can't bang my way out of this, I feel like I need to medicate and masturbate.

Thank you so much for this thread, I thought I was going crazy! Like many others on here I have never had a high sex drive, sleep was always the better option. That all changed about a year ago, out of the blue it felt like I had an internal furnace down there I could barely concentrate at all for over a week, very dangerous when driving one-time I'm arched back off with the Faires in a world of Fantasy.
The furnace feeling thankfully subsided, but the drive is insane still which I'm loving and never want it to end, my husband is loving it too!

I have issue with my thoughts/fantasy's which are not with my husband, I hate them but at the same time find myself letting them run and they are no longer silly scenarios at the beginnings of a relationship but much, much more sexual in nature. If anyone has any ideas on how to stop or break these thoughts, please let me know, I feel like I'm cheating without actually cheating.

@Insanedrive My daughter developed early and I remember when she started having weird sex dreams. She was still in elementary school, and whether awake or asleep, her brain would play them out often with people she knew in them. She was very distressed -- she didn't know how to make them stop, and didn't know if it meant she was weird or "bad." And I remember having conversations with her about how her hormones were changing and how her brain was just trying to figure out WHAT was happening, and was using whatever it could find in her subconscious to figure itself out.

And here, at this end of the hormone change, I wonder if it isn't more or less the same. Your hormones are changing, and your brain is trying to figure out WHAT in the world is going on, and creating scenarios with whoever it finds floating around your subconscious. It doesn't mean that you're weird or bad or that you're cheating on your husband-- your brain's just trying to keep up.

I'm not sure that there's anything much you can do to stop them from coming up at all... just have to ride it out a little bit. And this thread is rife with ideas in how you can do that. lol You have permission to just accept and enjoy it. Good chance you aren't the only person in your marriage who's ever had fantasies. Why should you feel like you're terrible for it?

However, if you find it especially bothersome and guilt-inducing... you could start to get in the habit -- not of NOT having them, but consciously changing the participants. Deliberately film mental movies with you and your husband as the main actors... write them down... share them with him if you're comfortable... and, over time, that can begin to rewrite that wiring.

Goodness me what an awesome message, thank you for taking the time to reply.
Bless your daughter it must of been so confusing for her and yes similarly this person is known to me, thankfully I rarely see him but when I do I can barely go near him and struggle with eye contact it takes everything I have to be as normal as possible in front of my family.

I will do as you suggested and replace his image, it seems so simple I kind of forgot that I should be able to direct these thoughts.

I have found my people.

I last felt like this at the end of my 30s. Dh was, like others on here, not as highly sexed as me. I ended up having an affair and almost ruined my marriage.

Dh acknowledged his part in it and we moved on.

But it's back. And when I go out, I flirt and love the attention. I've come close to the line a few times. I tell myself dh wouldn't mind, cos he didn't want me that much anyway. I wouldn't cheat again, but selfishly, I worry what will happen when men no longer find me attractive and I don't even have the buzz of that.

I find myself eyeing up men everywhere. I imagine meeting up with randoms. I forget I'm in my 40s and not a knock out. I feel as powerful as I did at 18 when I was shagging pretty much everyone I met.

I have a job that takes a lot of my time. I run. I'm busy. But this still dominates.

So glad I found this. After 10 years of a near sexless marriage I am now constantly horny and flirting with everything that moves. Glad it's not just me!!

How are you doing now, has it all settled down or are you still surging?