Perimenopause and “ Sex Surge”

[SpiritedLondon]

Ok so I’m not sure if I shouldn’t have name changed for this. I have been married to my DH for 12 years but we have been sexless for about 6 of those years. I would say that we have moved into the “ friends zone “ but I have generally had a low libido over that time so have felt untroubled by this. During the last couple of months I have experienced some changes in my period ( closer together and shorter) and have had low moods and irritability which I guess indicate a move towards menopause. Another pretty terrifying symptom is the massive increase in my libido - almost uncontrollable. I’ve looked online and discovered a website which refers to this as a midlife sex surge. Has anyone else experienced anything like this and come through the other side? It sounds like a good problem to have ( in comparison to no libido) but I have nowhere to put these feelings and feel to desperate and scared that I’m going to do something life destroying. Any help would be appreciated.

I’m the OP and it’s nearly a year for me and although it has eased off it is definitely ever present. I have had some particularly low points and problems which stem from my marital situation and that continues to be the same. I definitely think it’s my bodies last hurrah before menopause starts properly. I also agree with a PP that it probably explains the reason women like us join Ashley Maddison / have affairs and maybe why we might end up with younger lovers.... I’m not convinced a 48 year old man would be able to keep up ( although no doubt you ladies can tell me different... sadly I have no way of knowing )

@SpiritedLondon...Good to hear from you. Your post has been popular! So many feel the same. Mine is the same as you I reckon, one last blast before menopause. This story will make you laugh...we had an "old" collie bitch at the farm I was born at and we all thought she was coming to the end of her life when one day she disappeared for a few hours. No one knew where she'd gone. A few months later and she has a healthy litter of pups and is one very proud older mum! I'll never forget that. The dog up the road will remain nameless ... a moral for all those who feel their productivity is coming to a close

I love that story @BooseysMom - no chance of me dropping a litter of any variety however. When I first posted I was in the grip of such out of control libido I didn’t really know what to do with myself ( beyond the obvious ) Initially there were only 1 or 2 replies and I didn’t come back to the thread for quite a while. When I did I was so taken aback with the number of posts I became a little tearful on the train. It was so good to realise I wasn’t alone. I obviously haven’t got any answers and my situation is a little tragic but hopefully just airing the subject has made other women feel less alone and freakish.

Having never had a libido AT ALL unless I was put in the mood by seduction it was and still is a terrifying time for me. I’m still confused and anxious by the strong physical urges that make me demand sex because I need it now...if he says “ later” I’m angry and frustrated bc the vibrator I bought doesn’t give me the same release
I used it once last week and instead of putting the fire out it just made it worse so I demanded sex... and felt better. But I cried after because it’s not me to behave in that way... I don’t know who I am anymore and I guess I’m old fashioned.

@SpiritedLondon..Yes your post has helped others alot so thank you . My crazy sex drive has really calmed down now. But I do dread it happening each month. It's more difficult for us as we have a DS who prefers to sleep in our bed! This I think is the main reason we haven't been able to have dc2!

@roseenglish1969..Yes I relate to that..I always had an almost non-existent sex drive and my mum always said she was axexual. But when it takes over it's like you become another person and you feel out of control.

Its been a good quite few weeks for me I think Mid November was the last time.
Does anyone get the "need" rather than "want" like my heart rate increases and I have to stop what ever Im doing to "sort myself out" and even after that I still want sex but it just takes the intensity down a little.
I hate it bc I am not used to it and it usually happens when I am alone. Self relief is not really helping. I feel embarrassed with my partner bc he's never seen this side of me, Hell I haven't.

Yes, it isn’t a case of ‘feeling sexy’, it is a purely physical need that only seems to be relieved temporarily....

Quite. I have had a week of no issues, I am either On or Off although I think I would be up for it now because at least our sex life is back on track and better than its ever been because I was very inhibited about sex and when these hormonal surges occur I dont give a fig, I have a need and that need is more intense than my inescurities in bed or about my body.
It still scares me when it happens though. I spoke to the lady on the sex surge website and she said women who have it as intense as I do will use the public toilets or go to their car if working in an office to relieve themselves or some have affairs.
For me its a combination of increased sex drive and then these hormonal attacks which ramps the need up by 100, i start breathing heavier and faster and the mental images are all sex but it comes from out of no where..I can be focusing on work and something changes and a shift occurs and I have to stop what I am doing and deal with it.
Sex is the cure self pleasure is like a pain killer. It helps but my mind and body is telling me "Sex"
I have never ever in my life heard of this phenomena its like pure animal instinct... I dont enjoy it its like an intense itch that demands to be scratched and I wish my ovaries would give up the ghost.
Some women report vaginal sensations only with no interest in sex. I have had that but now its more a mind and body thing and I am definitely thinking about and wanting sex.

I am estatic to find these posts. I am 49 to be 50 this year and the horniness started about a week ago and i thought maybe it was related to menopause and my BF said it was all in my head. It is mostly fantastic, a few drawbacks LOL (hyperventilating, playing with yourself out shopping or while driving, and very neighborly from the bedroom window) i honestly dont give a shit, so past caring what others think. Happy to know what it is, i can only hope it lasts 7 years.

I am 38 and have been having very irregular periods for about 2 years now. My mum went through her menopause early and have been to the GP to get checked out. I am not having any major symptoms yet other than an increased sex drive. I don’t have children and have been with my partner for 18 years. I have always had a low sex drive. 3 years ago my partner had a heart transplant and now rarely has the urge but I am really happy about having a higher sex drive just not with having a suitable outlet. I am seriously thinking about finding someone just for sex. I had no idea that this was related to my menopause and am glad to hear about other people’s experiences, I had always read that your sex drive decreases (not that it could in my case).

I'm glad I found this website. I am 48 years old and It's good to know I'm not the only one dealing with this. Its driving me crazy. My question is I'm single how can I channel these feeling I'm having to other areas? I'm not into masturbation becauae it just feels better to me to have someone to do this type of stuff with. I NEED HELP!

Help70, I haven’t been able to channel these feelings elsewhere. The only time the feelings go away completely is when I’m stressed about a very large event, like planning a large meal for a large group of people. Or the 3 weeks before Christmas, with all the shopping, wrapping, baking, etc. I was never one to masturbate, either, besides curious rubbing down there as a little girl; nor had I ever bought a sex toy. But my husband cannot come close to satisfying this colossal, maniacal itch so eventually I marched right into one of those adult toy stores. So glad I did. Those ladies (and 1 gentleman) were so kind and sympathetic, almost even medical/clinical in their approach, especially with their language. Those “toys” take the edge off, but still not a substitute for human contact. It’s all very awkward, strange, and surreal, I know. Sorry I don’t have a better solution, but I empathize.

@Help70 oops, I didn’t reference you properly earlier. :-)

@morepleasethankyou thanks for the response. This has been something to deal with for real. I was sick last week up til today, tried to rest but the drive was still there. Was kind of relieved when I woke on this morning and my cycle was on. That's the only thing other then Sex that calms the urge down.

@Help70 blimey if there was a way of channeling these feelings into other activities we would be running the world. Sadly for me it’s the absolute opposite- a major distraction. I think if you’re single you need a friend .... with benefits naturally. It doesn’t have to be a big emotional relationship just a nice person you feel comfortable with who in the ideal world would be good in bed and have great stamina Now, I guess the issue is whether you’re comfortable with that and how you go about finding them.

@divebar lol! Huge distraction. Some days are more overwhelming then others. I do have a friend he WOULDN'T MIND. Lol!

@Help70

You asked him and he said he wouldn’t mind? Lol. If you’ve got a chap handy I don’t know why you’re wasting time posting on a forum. I wouldn’t be

Can someone please explain what a sex sofa is?!

I find going absolutely mental at the gym can take the edge off - but then I get a bit grunty when at maximum exertion, which is probably a bit grim for my fellow gym-goers.

I have not found my urge to wax and wane with my cycle. I was climbing the walls for a year or so, then things calmed down, and then every so often it ramps up again for a month or so for no apparent reason.

It's really annoying.

ChocOrCheese it's very annoying!

So glad I found this I thought it was only me I don’t have a husband I lost him 7 years ago I’m 56 and rampant been on a few dating sites but not dated for 3 years I’m in the process of meeting someone just as a lover I’m 56 and so horney will it ever stop I can’t stop fantasising

Hi ladies, Just found this thread and thank goodness! I'm 56 and had a total Hysterectomy 2 years ago. Very little interest in sex until about 6 weeks ago and then bingo, this urge started with the full technicolour fantasies about a celebrity from the 70s and 80s! Started using the Love Honey website and hoping my bank account can stand it.So really sorry Ladies this has nothing to do with the peri-menopause; even though I'm on HRT it can strike at any age!

@redqueen999 and @Zzzzzxxxzx I guess we're all dealing with the same issues. For me it gas calm down, but not gone away. It's at it worse while I'm at work, when I get home I'm so tired I drink a glass of wine and go to bed. I have standbys that wouldn't mind, it's just I don't want to just he having sex with random people. So the hardest thing for me is to have self control because the urge is really trying to take me there.

It's amazing how just watching Bodie in the Professionals can turn you into a complete nympho in your lunch hour!

Help 70 I wish I had your self control I met someone a few years ago and he’s just been back in touch I’m afraid I’m going to have to have him I can’t wait I can’t ignore the hidden animal inside me I need some release and he wants me all night long so let’s see if I or him can keep up